Man I still think about James. Not as often, and it doesn't really hurt like it used to. Some of that is because my life is super happy right now. I am fulfilled. I have a great family, wonderful friends, my son is such a darling, my career is amazing, I'm sewing and drawing and making wonderful stuff and I have a very sweet loving kind boyfriend in my life. So my life is full, and my mind is full. I don't think about James as much as I used to.
Then sometimes I hear a song or see something like this and my heart melts. I think back to the last time I saw him when he came to see me. And it was SO weird, so unreal, so shocking and all of that- I was taken off guard. I wish I could go back and do it over again. There are things I would change. I would have just let him embrace me and not said a word. Kissed him and owned it. Kissed him and told God inside that see I knew he's loved me all along and couldn't wait to kiss me again. I could FEEL his longing for me. It was there. And it wasn't a sexual longing but instead a longing to be near me, to hold me again.
If I could do it over I would just sit there and kiss him and hug him, no worries, no doubts, no fears.
And before he left that night I wish I would have hugged him tighter and harder. I had no idea it was going to be the last time I would see his face in... three years now? I miss his face. No matter how good life is, how much love I have in my life, I still miss James' beautiful face.
I remember he sent me a message once, after being gone for a long time, and he told me he wished he could come back and be "intimate" with me again. I love that choice of word, intimate. It's so special, soft and caring. A cuddle is intimate. I soft gentle late-night conversation is intimate. Kissing is intimate. Foreheads together smiling at each other is intimate.
Intimate.
Hugging is intimate.
I wish I would have hugged you longer the last time I saw you.
I wish I could hug you again.
I miss your sweet kind smile.
Jen
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