My Sweetest Friend

This is my favorite lady that I've drawn.  Currently I'm drawing and sewing with a goal to sew clothes that I embellish myself with my drawings and art.  I'll get there.  Learning to sew is fun but not necessarily simple.

I've been moody.  I get sad.

Oddly enough this blog has like 750,000 views.  That is crazy to me.  I can only hope that this strange blog has helped a few people.  What I hope is anyone who stumbles across this realizes is I really am a fairly normal, well-adjusted, kind, loving, successful 46 year-old woman and mother of an ADORABLE ten year-old son.  I've got a great job, happy life, own my home, drive a nice car... basically what I am saying is I am very stable.  Even though this blog reads like I must be nuts- I'm not, at all.  I know what I've experienced has been very real.  I know that when I think about something it often happens, or the thing/person/experience comes to me once I think about it, especially if I think hard.  Especially if there is a lot of emotion involved.  I know that my experience with James was filled with strong energy and was like magic would pop into my real life, like it was at times so "out of this world" and unreal, the things that would happen, supernatural really.  Yet I know those things really did happen, even if looking back it sometimes blows my mind.  I hold the entire experience, even though parts were difficult, close to my heart.  I protect that reality and I won't even write it off as "Maybe I imagined parts of it."  I've deleted all the communication between me and James.  Well, not all.  I actually have some of our original messages to each other.  From when we dated.  I have my old iPhone from back then.  It is sitting on my dresser.  About once a year I charge it and read the texts, and look at the pictures- there is a photo of James standing by the Chicago River, a photo I took on our date, and he looks So. Darn. Adorable.  OMG, the cutest, sweetest thing ever!  So so so so cute- it melts my heart but also breaks my heart!!!  The only thing I have not done in a very long time is listen to his old voicemail messages.  He used to call me and leave me super sweet messages telling me how much he loved me, how beautiful he thought I was.  I just can't.  Maybe one day I'll power up that phone and listen to him calling me after I'd fallen asleep, after we'd talked for three hours, and he told me... "I love you."  To this day- it feels like someone squeezes the shit out of my heart when I remember. 

Sometimes it is bittersweet.  I don't always understand it.  When I think about James, especially if I write about him (which I don't very often these days,) I will get signs.  I'll hear James Taylor's "Sweet Baby James" or songs will play that remind me of James.   It always happens.  But I feel like if I just stopped thinking about him, blocked it out, then I'd get no signs and it would all just disappear.

That's why I don't really think that "twin flames" will ALWAYS come back together.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe some day out of the blue he'll reach out to me but I'm just not sure.  I feel like I'd have to focus really hard on that and maybe *poof* one day he'd think, "Maybe I should call her or see her and talk with her."

Really what is, and will always be, the most bittersweet part about all of this is I had him right here with me.  We were a good couple.  We had fun together.  We had no "ending."  When he left he said to me, "This isn't goodbye.  This is until we see each other again."  I was still his girlfriend.  Nothing changed.  HE LOVED ME.  I'm not in denial.  I've had men in my life tell me "I'm just not that into you" and I'm okay with that.  I GET it.  People don't always click.  But James and I, we clicked.  STRONGLY.  Strong clicks.  Lots of clicks.  We talked for hours and hours.  Our conversations went on well into the night.  When we were together we kissed and kissed and talked and kissed.  No TV playing, no distractions.  It was just us enjoying each other's company.  I miss him.  I honestly just miss James. There was no closure.  There was never, not once, a time when that man ever denied loving me.  And I know it is because he DID love me.  He never stopped loving me. And despite all of the really strange shit that went on- ridiculous stuff that I knew I was creating- he was never able to deny his love for me.  One of the last things he told me was that I was right, he'd always loved me.

It's really painful to get to know someone, get close with a person, fall deeply in love with a person, start feeling like that person could be your future, and then suddenly that person is 100% gone.  I can't explain how much it hurts.  I wish I could go back and worry less, believe more, enjoy more, let go of the fear of rejection, fear of being so easily let go of.

I HATE THAT MY FEARS BECAME MY REALITY WITH JAMES.

I mean, I know it taught me a lot.  It finally showed me that manifestation is 100% real and I have to be super careful with my energy.  I *swear* sometimes I feel like I literally make things happen.  If I am in a tiff then my coffee might spill or I'll trip or something like that.  And when I'm very careful to be positive and grateful then life flows more smoothly than ever; people are super nice to me, stuff falls into place, and life just works out for me.  So I really am very aware of my energy and protecting it.  Not that I'm perfect but I do my best.  And I started REALLY believing in manifestation once the shit hit the fan with James.  So I have to be thankful that I was shown, but damn... that doesn't stop the ache any.  I still miss him.  After all this time I still freaking love him and wish I knew him again.

I've been more moody and emotional these last few weeks.  As I stated above I don't write very often anymore, and I especially don't write much about James.  I wonder if I did would it make me feel better?  If I used that as an outlet instead of trying to ignore how I feel?  Because I do.  I push it down and try to ignore how much I miss him.  I focus on enjoying my life, being happy with the goodness in my life, and I try to overlook that one thing that I don't have, the loss that makes me ache.  Because, you know, we are supposed to focus on what we have, right?  But when I ignore how I feel it gets all bottled up and then overflows and I get moody, and then I cry.

I wish I could go back and just be thankful for my gift.  I wish I could go back knowing what I know now.  I'd ignore any doubts and simply embrace the wonderfulness of being in love with each other.  It was special.  It was real.  It was pure.  It was good.  He was respectful and caring of me.  He was patient and kind.  He was such a good man.  A very good man.

My son tells me he wants to be a Geologist and a NASA scientist.  My son is so sweet.  But I have to laugh.  James is a Geologist.  PJ would like James.  I remember James asked PJ what his favorite insect is and PJ said, "An ant."  And now he has an ant farm.  He is fascinated with ants.  It's painful to want to talk to someone so much and to not have that person in my life.  I just wish we could talk, like really sit down and catch up and smile and laugh and be kind to each other and enjoy each others company like we did before.  I wish I could experience the James I knew when we dated, when we were together, when we met.  That giddy, silly, lighthearted, fun, exciting, loving, kind and wonderful friendship we had together.  I miss my friend.

I'm having a hard time with this right now.  It comes in waves, really.  I'll be fine and then all of a sudden I feel so sad, aching, missing him, wishing I could know him again.

It hurts and I try so hard to ignore it and Just. Be. Happy.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing.  Telling myself it's my past, keep it in the past, and finally let go of it all?  Ignore it?  That thought makes me so sad.  Maybe I should just keep on loving him and honoring that love and even hoping that one day I will see his beautiful smiling face again and hear his sweet voice and be able to talk with him like we used to, with smiles and laughter and silliness and joyfulness.

GAH!  If anything it reminds me to always make sure to keep my energy in check and leave any shady dark feelings at the door.  Sometimes I get frustrated and moody and then I have a tendency to have brief bouts of anger, which I really try to avoid by any means.  In my opinion it is better for me to feel sad over missing him, cry a little, feel a bit of heartache than feel irritated.  But what happens is when I ignore my heart THEN I get angry.  When I push it all down, avoid thinking about James, close my heart off to my very real desire to know him again *then* eventually I get frustrated and irritated and it all boils up and I ask myself when I feel so moody and sooner than later I having a crying spell and usually I feel better, because I allow myself to cry over him, over how much I miss him and still love him.

If there is anyone in the midst of a separation, the one huge piece of advice I would give you is please realize this is NOT about the "relationship."  Yes it is about the LOVE.  And it is fine to hope to be together some day.  It is fine to hold on.  It is fine to miss your twin soul/twin flame.  But avoid blaming your twin.  Avoid thinking negative stuff about him (or her.)  I wish people experiencing this connection could understand that anything you think about your twin will become reality.  So think the best, and block out any fears, doubts, etc.  I know it's scary and challenging but it is super important.  They don't mean it.  They are stuck being our mirrors, and the entire situation isn't easy on either person.  I will always believe that James actually wanted to have me in his life.  I know in my heart that this was all... not of this earth, not the reality we think of, and all based on strong energy and all along he loved me and missed me too.  I feel like I actually kept him away from me due to all of the crazy shit I thought inside, and that sucks.  I wish I could go back and clean that thinking up- if I knew then what I know now it would be very different.

I've often thought of writing a book about twin flames, about my experience and what it taught me.  But I want the happy ending that is in my heart.  I want to end the book with "And we hugged and talked and were happy, loving and good to each other."

I still love and miss my sweet friend, my sweetest friend, so much.  Thank you for allowing me to share that here because here I can share it all; I have for so long.

Come to me my sweetest friend.  Can you feel my heart again.   Come to me with secrets bared.  I love you more so don't be scared.  I'll take you back where you belong and this will be your favorite song.

My sweetest friend.  He used to call me his future. 

Never Goes Away

Obviously I don't write here often anymore.  I don't have much to say as it pertains to twin souls or twin flames.  I wish I could tell you that James and I have had some type of "reunion" but that hasn't happened.  I have a very good blessed life, and I thankful for the life I have.  My life is filled with love. 

Despite all the goodness I still miss James a lot.  Yesterday my friend Beverly came over to visit with me.  She is by far my dearest friend, and she understands me.  My boyfriend and I are engaged.  And people are wondering why I am not "gleeful" and squeeing it out all over my Facebook page.  Bev says she thinks I am in turmoil, and in a way I am.  Why?  Because I dreamed of something different.  I dreamed of being married to James.  I've always wanted it to be James.  But I live in the here and now, and my boyfriend Dave is a dear man.  He truly is, and he loves me so much, and I feel like I am meant to be in his life, in the here and now.

It is really difficult for me to express how I feel.  I feel... unnerved.  Unsettled.  Just now I started crying and I needed to come and blog.  Bev has ALWAYS believing my experience with James; she even dreamed of him once.  She dreamed he came to one of our big friend parties and everyone was able to meet him.  Just like my sister dreamed of our wedding.  I wanted those experiences so badly, and I am still not "over it."  I'm not.  Even after all of this time I still feel melancholy about him.  I love James.  I hope he's happy, wherever he is.  I don't know anything about his life right now.  I only remember the man I met and fell hard in love with, the best love I've ever been in.

W can't hide from our hearts.  I can't hide from my heart.  My heart knows the inner truest depths of how I feel.  Yes I am happy.  Yes I love Dave.  I guess I feel like since there is no James in my life then it is inevitable that I will marry David one day.  As I always say, he is a very good man and I love him.  I care about Dave deeply, and I do love him.  But GOD DAMN it is so fucking hard to still love this other man, and to wonder where he is, and to dream about him, and to... remember him so clearly, and to yearn to hear from him and know him again.

I still wish I could meet James again and sit down to talk with him.  I wish we could talk, like really truthfully honestly talk.  The man I met the night I turned 40- he was a sweet dear dreamboat of a man.  And I miss him.  I've been feeling off kilter for the last few days, and I think now I realize it's because I am trying to ignore my heart, push away how I feel because IT IS NOT CONVENIENT.  What would be convenient is to enjoy my life, be happy, be happy in love, be excited to get married, plan how and when we are going to get married, feel light-hearted about it all, and revel in the fact that this dear man David thinks I am perfection and loves me with all of his heart.  But I am finding it really hard to let go.  It hurts.  I am torn. 

How am I torn?  I guess I feel better living with Dave, loving him, sharing life with him without thinking about tomorrow or making societal commitments.  I'm super struggling.  I want to see James again so badly.  Even thought I don't write much in my journal anymore, and I don't really do anything to try (with my energy) to clear the connection or "reach out to him" with my mind/heart/energy- I still miss him.  And I think what happens is I push all of that stuff to the side and all of a sudden it all hits me so hard. 

My son wants to be a Geologist.  Of course he does.  He's in love with rocks right now, and all he wants to do is prospect and find gems and learn about them.  He's a huge Minecraft fan and he likes to take it "into the real world" by learning about stones, finding them, etc.  I miss my Geologist.  I miss the conversations I had with James.  They were so inspiring; he was so inspiring.  And he was so sweet to me.  I ache because I still know in my heart that he loved me dearly, and that love never really went anywhere.  I could tell the last time I heard his voice that he still loved me.  And I have to think that he must still think of me from time to time.  He was really in love with me after we met and spent time together.  He was excited about knowing me.  I remember all that.  And nothing changed.  Nothing changed!  It was all so mystical and weird but nothing changed. 

So yes, this still bothers me.  I just don't write much because I don't have a lot to say, and I wish it could be different.  I wish I could talk to James.  I don't know what would happen after that but I wish, oh how I wish, to sit and talk with my friend again.  I have these two different scenarios, right?  I feel like if I were to sit and talk with James again only one of two things could happen. 

1- we'd sit and talk and James would be the same kind sweet man I knew when I met him.  Kind of like all of the crazy never happened.  I had moments like that over the years after he was gone- all of a sudden we'd reconnect and it would be like ALL of the weirdness never happened.  It wouldn't be mentioned at all, or he'd gloss over it and it would be all normal and good and loving and kind- strange but I learned to accept that none of this has been normal, and that can happen.  Once the energy is clear (and focused only on truth and love) then it all just falls back into place.  So I feel like there would be chance we'd sit and talk and he'd tell me he still thinks of me and how have I been, and boy I still look pretty, and he'd be sweet and kind and he'd still like me, a lot. 

And then there is 2- I think what I want most is this: I want to be able to sit and talk with James like two grown adults, respectfully, and totally honestly.  I wish I could tell him that... I know it seemed really crazy.  And even if he didn't exactly experience the things that I did (the cause and effect, me being the cause and he being the effect) I realize what was happening, even if I don't understand why exactly it was with him, and I learned from it, and I'm sorry, and I've missed him.  I want to be able to hug him and tell him I've never experienced pain like I have from missing him.  That I've missed him every single day since we parted and I've never forgotten him and I've always loved him, no matter what.  That I hope he's very happy and enjoying his life.  I hope he is loved.  James is the type of man who enjoys being in a loving committed relationship and I hope he's been loved by someone wonderful, who truly loves him and cares for him- he deserves that.  Even so I wish I could spill it all, tell him that yes it was scary but I get it, and I love him dearly.  And I miss him.  I wish we could both tell each other, "Man that was some weird shit," and ACKNOWLEDGE that we really did share something "magical" even if... it was so chaotic and strange.  I guess I crave having an open honest talk about what happened (not digging up details) but just to say, "Damn it was strange- I could mention you here where I am and you'd immediately comment on it via email even though you had no "real life" idea what I'd said- like, we are that connected."  Or were.  Are we still now?  I don't know.  Maybe?

I'm not sure what happens with "twin souls."  I'm not sure what to think about this concept of twin souls.  I don't know if it was James because I prayed so hard for EXACTLY him and then he was so strongly energetically connected to me that the entire experience revolved around that manifestation aspect, the cause and effect between us because we were a couple and I thought about him constantly and with tons or energy and emotion... and maybe that is "all" a "twin flame" is.  I don't know.  Whatever he is to me he made a huge impact in my life and I miss him dearly.  I miss my friend.  I remember our long chats well into the night.  I remember our first AMAZING kiss, OMG.  I can't help it.  I'd love to kiss him again.  I miss his face, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, and I miss his tender touch and his kisses, and his hugs. 

I wish all along, when we were apart, I would have just let myself MISS him, even if it meant being sad.  Instead of being afraid or thinking the worst or all of that.  THAT was what kept him away from me, and I would, to this day, bet my life on that knowledge.  Had I trusted him, held on only to him being a good man, not doubted, etc. then a lot of the crazy would not have happened.  What a hard lesson to learn.

I can only tell myself that I will again see him one day and talk with him and it will be friendly and loving and kind, the same energy as when we met.  The same sweet connection, the friendship, the laughter, the joy, the bliss.  I will always love James.  Nothing in my life changes that fact.

Again, sometimes it hurts.  It all comes rushing up to me and I can't deny that I miss him still.  James was one of the very best things to ever happen to me, and I wish I still had him as part of my life.  I miss my friend and my love.

I can't help my love, my heart.  I really can't.

xxoo

Jennifer