So this is why I often push the whole "twin flame" and James situation from my head. Because when I start to think about it the floodgates open and I REMEMBER. And then I get signs. I hear all the songs.
When James and I met for the first time he hugged me, first thing. We walked from our cars to greet each other. He looked SO freaking cute! And he hugged me and said, "You are just as beautiful and I knew you would be." And he asked if I wanted to go inside for a beer. He held the door for me and the song "Closer" by NIN was playing. He said something like, "Some song lyrics hold a lot of meaning, like this one." Ha! But whenever I hear that song I think of him and his sly comment. So the other night my boyfriend and I went out for dinner and on the way there and home we were playing music. He was asking me what I wanted to hear and I told him to choose because I'd chosen a few songs already. He paused and said, "What do you think of the song Closer by NIN?" Now I get it- it's a dude song. It's about sex, "I want to feel you from the inside." But he had also played "Take on Me" on the way there. When he asked me about "Closer" I got quiet and told him I'd rather not hear it. I just can't. It's so 80s and it just brings back to much for me. But those things happen a lot once I start thinking about James. I see his name everywhere. I hear the songs. I hear songs that feel like he's talking to me. It is just out of this world.
I have a point. Another thing that happens is I remember James, like when we dated. How sweet he was. I remember how much he fell in love with me. Our late night conversation when he told me, "I'm already falling in love with you." Talking about marriage, how he could see us married, how he'd never been a dad but he could try, that he'd teach my son about science and help him with sports. He was genuinely a GOOD, kind, dear, sweet, understanding, patient, emotional, LOVING, cute and endearing person. He always told me he realized how waiting for an answer to an email could cause stress and he'd never want to do that to me. He went out of his way to be *responsive* to me because he knew the anxiety an unanswered text could bring to anyone. He was very aware of protecting my emotions and taking care of me. He was also very patient with me. Gentle. Unusually so. He was just so cute. But my point is to go from that to "fell off the face of the earth" STILL frustrates me because I know it wasn't HIM. I know it is not what he wanted. I know it wasn't his intention.
THAT is what blows my mind, to this day. It has been almost seven years since this all happened. I started talking with James 7/31/13. It's almost seven years. And I am a grown ass woman with a lot of responsibility, a busy life, a son, a dear man in my life, a career, and I am an artist. I camp, I travel, I stay busy. If it wasn't so BIG then I'd "let go of it." But I can't. BECAUSE I KNOW HE LOVED ME. He loved me when he disappeared from my life. He loved me.
It's taken these years of distance to see things very clearly. The time and distance has allowed me to get rid on most of the fear, if not all. Someone might ask, "Then why are you not with your twin" and the best answer I have is I may have KNOWN what to do but I couldn't do it. I was too afraid of "my reflection." My twin soul experience was BRUTAL. It caused me tons of inner turmoil and terror. When you have the person in your life who you love SO SO much, "The One," and that person turns out to be your biggest mirror and you have tons of fear and bullshit inside, get ready for the ride of your life on the scariest ride ever. He mirrored me so hard; it was intense and unless you've been through it you can't understand, and you'd have to believe it in order to understand. But it scared me. He scared me due to what he had to show me and I couldn't shake that fear. So it was a constant mirror of love and fear due to my love and fear. I couldn't step far enough away from it to change it.
Throw in absolutely ACHING to hear from him, wanting him in my life, but he wasn't and that made me nuts. And I missed him and so many people in the twin flame community told me "You can't miss him! You can't be sad or else he won't come back" so I'd fight against missing him and it was so hard. I missed him along with loving him. I ached for him. I was so heartsick. I loved him SO much. I really did. I still do. But that yearning was horrible and it was all just so overwhelming.
If I was back to say five years ago I would have allowed myself to focus more on LOVING him, and MISSING him, and letting myself grieve and cry and feel sad because that sadness cleansed me as it came from a place of love. It made me soft inside. It kept me loving, gentle and kind. It erased my fears. It was when I tried to be strong and NOT feel sad that the anger and fear took over, and it was the anger and fear that kept him away from me because "spirit" made sure he did not reach out to me when I felt that way. Or my energy did it. Something did it because I KNOW James felt badly staying away from me. I know he did. He showed me over and over again but back then I was just too immersed in my fear to be able to 100% believe it.
Looking back now though I do see it. After nearly three years of near silence, not seeing each other, the weirdest communications ever, he ended up with me. I had fought with my energy, seriously fought. Wrote how badly I wanted to see him, thought about it, told the universe I had to see him and I knew he wanted to see me and one day he was just here, unexpectedly. And when he saw me he hugged me. I keep marveling over that- he HUGGED me. And I could tell by his face and his hug that he MISSED me and he didn't like this, didn't want it. He'd email me, when I had a good moment with my energy, and he'd say he missed me, that he wanted to come back, that he wanted to see me. But I'd freak out (on the inside mind you) and he'd go quiet again AND IT MADE ME CRAZY. He responded to my energy, 100%. And that reality took a very long time for me to believe fully because, come on, how "real" is it for someone to respond to your energy and thoughts? Like, is that even REAL? Turns out it is. It isn't a fairy tale and it's taught me a lot about life and to make sure I love with the purest intentions I can because my inner secret intentions and energy are always known and reflected back to me by people in my life. But James did it the hardest, the fullest, with the most intensity.
To this day though I sit here and feel a type of frustration because I know that he loved me. He was actively in love with me, deeply in love with me, and I know he wanted to stay with me. I know it hurt him to leave. I know he missed me and ached for me, and that makes me sad. When we were together last we made love and he touched me so tenderly, touched my face and kissed me while being intimate with me. And afterwards he held me and while it was SUPER FUCKING WEIRD because I'd waited nearly three years for that moment at the same time it was obvious he tremendously missed me, wanted that moment too. Ugh he asked if we could hang out and spend the day together soon. He was sweet and kind, James, my James. It won't go away, the feeling of "But I know he loved me" and love doesn't just go away. It can simmer, lay low, but when nothing happens to change love- it remains. He knew I am a good person. I must have seemed a bit crazy at times (God did I let my fear get to me, big time) but I was never mean. I just insisted that I knew he loved me.
And you know what, never ONE TIME did he deny that! And at the end he finally told me, "You are right! I do love you. I always have." He said he wanted to be with me. And the last time I heard from him was a call from him, again unexpected, where he let me know... he wanted to be with me.
I'm not exactly sure what I did. If I pulled away from the energy too much in the end. I wanted him back so much but I was also lonely and thought about how nice it would be to date someone, be with someone who was actually here. I suppose I was being "a runner" on the inside. At that time someone left a comment on my blog telling me "You are the runner" and I feel it was a message I was supposed to hear. After that I tried desperately for the next year to focus on my energy, release my anger energy, be only love, clear myself, and hold on to James. I had multiple really nice men ask me out and I told them no because I was in love with someone else. I TRIED so hard. I was militant. But a year later I'd heard nothing and then I met my boyfriend, when I totally was not looking in any way shape or form, and here I am- three years later.
But all along... I've missed James. When I met Dave I wanted James. I told Dave all about James. Thank God David is as patient, kind and understanding as a saint. And he loves me so much, so much that he accepts my love for someone else along with my love for him. But I still miss James. I remember his sweetness and how much in love we were, and that love never ended. The physical closeness did but that love never ended. WE never ended. There was no "end." I don't think there was supposed to be. I know the love was there.
I wish I could talk to him. I hope he feels my love for him, still.
Jen
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