I Won't Give Up on Us
How's everyone? I hope anyone who might read this is doing well in all ways. I know this has been a challenging time for most people, physically, emotionally and mentally. I hope you are well, healthy and happy.
Years back when I felt I was going through a "twin soul" or twin flame experience I came across a few really good resources. One was a psychic who totally knew her stuff and had been through the experience herself. I mentioned her before on my blog because one day she told me she could no longer talk to me because my higher self didn't want her to, and she basically hung up after telling me to follow my own strong guidance. I wish I had done so. I wish I hadn't been so scared of my own reflection being shined at me through James, my sweet James.
One thing she told me was that twin souls, the people who end up in these connections, are very strong manifestors. We have very strong energy. She said if we use our energy right we can have only goodness in life if we manifest it. And I've learned over these last few years that she was 100% correct. I manifest very quickly. I have to be careful to only ask for what I really want, and I have to be careful not to let myself complain or bitch or sink into lower energy because then I bring experiences to me that I don't want. I take very seriously affirming my life in order to make sure I keep only goodness coming to me, and it comes quickly. So throughout this COVID 19 situation I've actually been living my best life. I'm working from home with tons of freedom and I LOVE IT. I love being with my son, being home, hanging out, having the freedom to work in the house in between zoom calls, make nice dinners, sit outside on my deck with the laptop while my son plays or we have a bon fire or we cook outside, etc. It's been absolutely wonderful. I've had an income, we are healthy, and it's been perfectly awesome. Life has been amazing. I know that's not the case for everyone and my heart goes out to those who are struggling but for me I am grateful for the blessed times I've had. I'd like to work like this for the remainder of my career and I do believe I can create ANYTHING I want to as long as I really focus on it and on positive energy. So that's where I am right now, and I hope the same for anyone who might be reading this.
I do still miss James. I do a really good job of putting it out of my mind though, and I do that often. I am enjoying my life. I've been on vacation. I have a cabin on a creek. I love my free time. I have tons of good strong love in my life, dear friends, family and a sweet boyfriend who absolutely adores me and treats me amazingly well. So I kinda go with my life. It hurts too much to look back at what was, and it hurts to wish for something that I don't have so I tend to not do it. I don't spend much time writing about James or thinking about him. But then I get reminders. And I "feel" him or I get a huge memory of him and it aches. It still aches. I still miss him but because sometimes it hurts to miss someone so much I push it away. But it is still there. I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could sit down and see his smiling face and have a nice sweet kind conversation with James again. I imagine that he would still think I am beautiful and he would think I am as wonderful as he did before. I just know he would because that's how the connection is. I tend to think one of the reasons why we have not magically reconnected is because I pay it little attention, give it no manifestation energy and since we attract to us what we focus on... with no focus I'm not sure it will ever happen.
But that doesn't mean I don't wish for it to. I'm still with the same man I met three years ago, Dave. He is a sweet man. He still stands firm in that if somehow I were to connect with James again he would want me to have a conversation with him, see him again, spend time with him and see how it feels, how James feels, what the universe would bring to us. So I shouldn't feel guilty but I guess sometimes I do because I know how much Dave loves me, and YES I realize it sounds like a fairy tale but I've had people tell me their twin souls have reached out to them ten years later. So it could happen. I KNOW it could, and I firmly believe it could, one day. But I feel in my heart it only would if I "bring" it to me. And I tend to just enjoy my life as it is now and fly through life being happy for my now.
Once in a while, like now, it hits me though. My long-time friend who also has a twin soul feels the same about her guy. We still think of them and we know none of this was ever "normal." They loved us. A lot. James loved me a ton. We were perfect together, absolutely perfect... although I did need to learn a ton about myself, about life, about manifestation energy, about creating, about being a good person, an honest person, about feeling safe being ME and glorifying in being ME. In loving myself and allowing myself to be loved. To trust in love, to trust when someone showed me he truly was falling deeply in love with me. To realize I WAS WORTH IT. That I am worth it. I can't really wish to go back because Dave really needed me in his life to help him through after his wife died. I can't be that selfish to wish these last seven years hadn't happened. But I do wish I could sit down with James knowing that I was always worth staying for. That I was what he wanted, a life with ME. I was worth it! I feel sad for the Jennifer I was back then, so scared that I wasn't "enough" to stay for, to make a life with. I always worried that I would "love him more than he loved me." *sigh* I don't let myself look back too far because some of the choices I made for myself before I met James are painful to remember so I don't let myself. I just honor who I am right now: honest, pure, worthy, loveable, healthy, full of self love, a strong sense of self-worth. A good loving mother who tries her best. A good human. Meeting James changed me a lot, thankfully, and my deep strong militant love for him helped protect me through some dark times where I could have made bad choices for myself but I kept reminding myself... I had been loved so purely, so wonderfully, so innocently, so PERFECTLY in my short time with James and I didn't want to tarnish that. I didn't want to back track. When you meet a man who is only interested in BEING IN YOUR PRESENCE, who says he will wait for you, until you're ready, who wants nothing more to just hold you and spend time with you and talk to you and email and call on the phone and talk for hours... and who doesn't pressure you for more- you hold on to that love even when it is no longer physically with you. That's how it was for me. I held on to that love and no matter how low I sank, how much I hurt, how badly I wanted to just throw myself into someone else to erase the ache for a moment- I wouldn't let myself go backwards to "less" than that perfect love.
That's one thing I can say about all of this. THANK GOD I waited and honored that love. It took me four years after James to allow myself to love someone else, and he is a good man. A damn good man who desperately needed to be loved as well. I am thankful that I didn't "go backwards." I listened to my soul when it told me "maybe you shouldn't do that" within those four years while I was healing and grieving and falling apart only to be put back together in a more healthy balanced BRIGHT way. And I heard my soul tell me when it was finally okay to let myself be loved by Dave. Although it wasn't easy. I missed James the first time Dave kissed me and I miss him still. I still love James. I've found we can love two people at once, and I do. And it's okay. My heart still longs for him though. I can remember his cute smile, his bright beautiful blue eyes and how he would reach out to gently touch my face with a smile before he would kiss me. I remember our sweet long kisses, like making out like teenagers kisses, hours on my couch just kissing. Those were sweet moments, and I miss James. I miss our conversations about the universe. I miss him telling me I am made of stardust. I miss the youthful bounce to his step, how he was so cute and funny and friendly and he made me laugh, a lot. So talkative and sweet. A perfect fit. My buddy and my love. I became good friends with him and it is so so hard when a friend is suddenly gone so I still grieve.
I'm still in a "twin soul" connection even after all of this time. So for anyone reading this- don't think I've forgotten because I haven't. I've had to get on with my life, for my own sake and the sake of my son. I HAD to. Living like I was, staying alone while ACHING every day for this person who was not with me, would have eventually done me in. I think I was alone for long enough and had to move forward but that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving James. I love him. I wish the best for him. I hope he's been happy and well loved himself because all I want for him is happiness.
But I still wish he was part of my life.
I love you. I miss you. I really do. I wish you could see my son, talk with him for a while. He loves rocks, is a huge fan of geology and he wants to be a NASA scientist. You'd have a great conversation with him.
"There's a place in my heart though we're far apart. May you always know. No matter since I saw you I keep a flame there for you where ever I go."
xxoo
Be well
Jen
Years back when I felt I was going through a "twin soul" or twin flame experience I came across a few really good resources. One was a psychic who totally knew her stuff and had been through the experience herself. I mentioned her before on my blog because one day she told me she could no longer talk to me because my higher self didn't want her to, and she basically hung up after telling me to follow my own strong guidance. I wish I had done so. I wish I hadn't been so scared of my own reflection being shined at me through James, my sweet James.
One thing she told me was that twin souls, the people who end up in these connections, are very strong manifestors. We have very strong energy. She said if we use our energy right we can have only goodness in life if we manifest it. And I've learned over these last few years that she was 100% correct. I manifest very quickly. I have to be careful to only ask for what I really want, and I have to be careful not to let myself complain or bitch or sink into lower energy because then I bring experiences to me that I don't want. I take very seriously affirming my life in order to make sure I keep only goodness coming to me, and it comes quickly. So throughout this COVID 19 situation I've actually been living my best life. I'm working from home with tons of freedom and I LOVE IT. I love being with my son, being home, hanging out, having the freedom to work in the house in between zoom calls, make nice dinners, sit outside on my deck with the laptop while my son plays or we have a bon fire or we cook outside, etc. It's been absolutely wonderful. I've had an income, we are healthy, and it's been perfectly awesome. Life has been amazing. I know that's not the case for everyone and my heart goes out to those who are struggling but for me I am grateful for the blessed times I've had. I'd like to work like this for the remainder of my career and I do believe I can create ANYTHING I want to as long as I really focus on it and on positive energy. So that's where I am right now, and I hope the same for anyone who might be reading this.
I do still miss James. I do a really good job of putting it out of my mind though, and I do that often. I am enjoying my life. I've been on vacation. I have a cabin on a creek. I love my free time. I have tons of good strong love in my life, dear friends, family and a sweet boyfriend who absolutely adores me and treats me amazingly well. So I kinda go with my life. It hurts too much to look back at what was, and it hurts to wish for something that I don't have so I tend to not do it. I don't spend much time writing about James or thinking about him. But then I get reminders. And I "feel" him or I get a huge memory of him and it aches. It still aches. I still miss him but because sometimes it hurts to miss someone so much I push it away. But it is still there. I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could sit down and see his smiling face and have a nice sweet kind conversation with James again. I imagine that he would still think I am beautiful and he would think I am as wonderful as he did before. I just know he would because that's how the connection is. I tend to think one of the reasons why we have not magically reconnected is because I pay it little attention, give it no manifestation energy and since we attract to us what we focus on... with no focus I'm not sure it will ever happen.
But that doesn't mean I don't wish for it to. I'm still with the same man I met three years ago, Dave. He is a sweet man. He still stands firm in that if somehow I were to connect with James again he would want me to have a conversation with him, see him again, spend time with him and see how it feels, how James feels, what the universe would bring to us. So I shouldn't feel guilty but I guess sometimes I do because I know how much Dave loves me, and YES I realize it sounds like a fairy tale but I've had people tell me their twin souls have reached out to them ten years later. So it could happen. I KNOW it could, and I firmly believe it could, one day. But I feel in my heart it only would if I "bring" it to me. And I tend to just enjoy my life as it is now and fly through life being happy for my now.
Once in a while, like now, it hits me though. My long-time friend who also has a twin soul feels the same about her guy. We still think of them and we know none of this was ever "normal." They loved us. A lot. James loved me a ton. We were perfect together, absolutely perfect... although I did need to learn a ton about myself, about life, about manifestation energy, about creating, about being a good person, an honest person, about feeling safe being ME and glorifying in being ME. In loving myself and allowing myself to be loved. To trust in love, to trust when someone showed me he truly was falling deeply in love with me. To realize I WAS WORTH IT. That I am worth it. I can't really wish to go back because Dave really needed me in his life to help him through after his wife died. I can't be that selfish to wish these last seven years hadn't happened. But I do wish I could sit down with James knowing that I was always worth staying for. That I was what he wanted, a life with ME. I was worth it! I feel sad for the Jennifer I was back then, so scared that I wasn't "enough" to stay for, to make a life with. I always worried that I would "love him more than he loved me." *sigh* I don't let myself look back too far because some of the choices I made for myself before I met James are painful to remember so I don't let myself. I just honor who I am right now: honest, pure, worthy, loveable, healthy, full of self love, a strong sense of self-worth. A good loving mother who tries her best. A good human. Meeting James changed me a lot, thankfully, and my deep strong militant love for him helped protect me through some dark times where I could have made bad choices for myself but I kept reminding myself... I had been loved so purely, so wonderfully, so innocently, so PERFECTLY in my short time with James and I didn't want to tarnish that. I didn't want to back track. When you meet a man who is only interested in BEING IN YOUR PRESENCE, who says he will wait for you, until you're ready, who wants nothing more to just hold you and spend time with you and talk to you and email and call on the phone and talk for hours... and who doesn't pressure you for more- you hold on to that love even when it is no longer physically with you. That's how it was for me. I held on to that love and no matter how low I sank, how much I hurt, how badly I wanted to just throw myself into someone else to erase the ache for a moment- I wouldn't let myself go backwards to "less" than that perfect love.
That's one thing I can say about all of this. THANK GOD I waited and honored that love. It took me four years after James to allow myself to love someone else, and he is a good man. A damn good man who desperately needed to be loved as well. I am thankful that I didn't "go backwards." I listened to my soul when it told me "maybe you shouldn't do that" within those four years while I was healing and grieving and falling apart only to be put back together in a more healthy balanced BRIGHT way. And I heard my soul tell me when it was finally okay to let myself be loved by Dave. Although it wasn't easy. I missed James the first time Dave kissed me and I miss him still. I still love James. I've found we can love two people at once, and I do. And it's okay. My heart still longs for him though. I can remember his cute smile, his bright beautiful blue eyes and how he would reach out to gently touch my face with a smile before he would kiss me. I remember our sweet long kisses, like making out like teenagers kisses, hours on my couch just kissing. Those were sweet moments, and I miss James. I miss our conversations about the universe. I miss him telling me I am made of stardust. I miss the youthful bounce to his step, how he was so cute and funny and friendly and he made me laugh, a lot. So talkative and sweet. A perfect fit. My buddy and my love. I became good friends with him and it is so so hard when a friend is suddenly gone so I still grieve.
I'm still in a "twin soul" connection even after all of this time. So for anyone reading this- don't think I've forgotten because I haven't. I've had to get on with my life, for my own sake and the sake of my son. I HAD to. Living like I was, staying alone while ACHING every day for this person who was not with me, would have eventually done me in. I think I was alone for long enough and had to move forward but that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving James. I love him. I wish the best for him. I hope he's been happy and well loved himself because all I want for him is happiness.
But I still wish he was part of my life.
I love you. I miss you. I really do. I wish you could see my son, talk with him for a while. He loves rocks, is a huge fan of geology and he wants to be a NASA scientist. You'd have a great conversation with him.
"There's a place in my heart though we're far apart. May you always know. No matter since I saw you I keep a flame there for you where ever I go."
xxoo
Be well
Jen
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