If I Could Go Back In Time

There is one thought I have over and over.  If I could go back to some years ago, those four years after all of this started happening, there is one important thing I would change, and I think it is a very important point to make to people who are in a twin flame separation right now.

I wish I would have let myself miss him, entirely.  Just miss him.  I wish I would have let myself cry whenever I wanted to, missing the shit out of him, crying from love and sadness over being away from him.  There is a HUGE different between being sad because you miss the shit out of someone you love and being sad because you fear that someone doesn't love you, sad because someone left you and doesn't care any longer. 

People told me I wasn't supposed to miss him, that being sad is a bad energy.  But being sad over missing someone you love, wishing you could be together, is okay.  It really is.

If I could go back then I would have allowed myself to realize we were separated for a reason, for a twin soul connection, not entirely real life, and that he loved me and I obviously wasn't "ready" energetically-wise to allow our reconnection so we were still apart and it hurt SO FUCKING BAD being apart from the person I loved with all of my heart and soul.

I did love him, tremendously.  I should have just felt the love, let myself ache for him and cry for him and feel that deep longing, the longing to be with him.  I wanted so badly to put my arms around him, to kiss him and laugh with him.  I absolutely ached to communicate with him.  Oh MY GOD being separated with no communication was so god damned hard.  I missed talking with him, emailing and exchanging funny messages and loving words, and the hours-long phone calls, the soft gently words, his humor.  His sweet voice.  I missed that so much, and it made me treacherously sad. 

I wish I had fell into that sadness, let the missing him envelope me and soothe me, in a way.  Instead I would try to harden myself and it ALWAYS spiraled me into anger.  Anger at God for putting me in a twin soul union.  Anger at my soul.  Rage, dark dark rage.  Anger and rage is a dark sharp gnarly ugly energy.  Sadness over missing someone you love, simply missing that person and aching for them, is a soft buttery, even healing energy.  I always felt better, like another wave of cleansing would pass, when I would just cry and cry out of love for him.  Crying helped me purge.  But when I would get rageful inside it only brought me more pain and more separation from James.  I should have just let myself be sad, heartache over loving him yet being apart. 

Let yourself cry.  Miss that person if you are in separation.  Know he/she is only doing their "job" but love them, don't be angry.  Don't feel guilty for being sad, but only miss them and love them.  Don't feel rejected, don't feel forgotten.  They have not forgotten you.  Love them, even if it means hurting and aching over being apart.  Cry if you have to, cry over the missing them.  

Being separated from the person you love is painful.  Heartache is real.  That's why they call it the blues.  Because when you love someone dearly it hurts being away from them.  That's called being human, having a heart, and it's okay.  So don't let anyone tell you that you should be stronger, forcing a happiness you don't feel.  Go on and be grateful for whatever good you have in your life but also allow yourself to miss the one you love.  That's what happens when you love someone wonderful and they are not with you- you miss them.

I speak from years of experience, almost eight years to be exact.

Jen

Keeping The Blog Active

 

I read an article recently that said we never really get over a past love.  We just learn how to live with the memory of the person we had close to us, in love.  I guess that's where I am with James.  It's been a while.  I still think of him often though.  I see people who remind me of him and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe.  I still imagine how wonderful it would be to sit and talk with him, freely talk, like we did when we first met.  When it was normal and amazing and beautiful and the most precious love affair I've ever experienced in my life.  I'll never ever "get over" James.  I still love him and miss him.

But life goes on.  It has to.

I don't write much but I choose to keep the blog up and active because I KNOW what I have experienced is truth, and I still get messages from people telling me my blog has helped them.  I always wished I would be together with James again, and as of right now that hasn't happened.  But I know I went through something extraordinary with him and it was real, and I know many other people out there are going through something similar and maybe they will find this and maybe it will help them.  The entire situation was real.  Call it "twin flame" or "twin soul" or whatever but it was real, and it means a lot to me.  He means a lot to me and he always will.  Getting older, time passing, life moving on, new loves entering the picture- none of those things negate or wipe away or lessen the love or the memories or the desire to know this person again.  I'll always want to know James again.  

Sometimes I daydream about meeting him.  I wish I would hear from him, like he would reach out to me, and let me know he's around, has been thinking about me, and wants to meet and catch up.  It would be... strangely normal.  There is something I want probably more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.  I want to be able to sit down with him and talk honestly, discuss the strange shit that happened.  I wish I could tell him, "I'm honestly a fairly normal human being but this has been the strangest experience I could ever imagine, like stranger than fiction."  I wish I could thank him for being part of it, THE ONE who finally showed me myself.  I want to thank him because it put my poor dear friend through a Hell than I can't imagine, coming from his side of this connection.  

I'll always know that our twin souls, the ones who go quiet, those typically called "the runner," are the catalyst in all of this.  I'll always believe James was my mirror that showed me my "shadows" that needed to be... evicted.  I can't say my "demons" were "healed."  I had to evict them.  James helped.  But I know he didn't want to.  It's a supernatural connection.  It isn't normal by any means.  We really must learn to forgive our twin souls.  I remember my guidance telling me that he was here to heal me, and I was supposed to love him through it, and to always remember who he really was.  I was told that over and over and over.  "Above" (higher self I think) told me that James was bound to me in such a way that he would stop at absolutely nothing in order to "heal me."  Even if it hurt.  And it did, oh my God, and I know it hurt him too.  I just know it.

So even today I get this twisted knotted feeling in my stomach because I can look back now, with a clearer mind and fears evicted, my thought process not colored with terror, fear and despair, and recall the times he would reach out to me sounding so sad, missing me terribly, but still "bound" to being my mirror, and if I wasn't 100% clear inside (and I was far from it) then he still had to hold back, remain somewhat aloof, yet now I can clearly see how much it hurt him to do so.  That he actually wanted to be with me.  That he missed me and hated being apart.  And oh how that still aches.  It does.  I can't help it.  

I wish I could hug him. I didn't get a chance to show him how much I love him and to thank him.  

I do believe that twin flames can come together again.  I know the energy/manifestation is VERY REAL.  I know that there were times when I would think of him, very deep loving thoughts, putting tons of love energy into a moment and he'd reach out to me, out of nowhere, even after months of no contact- and I know my energy "allowed" it to happen.  It was a reflection of that good strong energy; he was showing it back to me in return.  I will admit the quiet (hence the name of this blog) is what was the hardest thing for me.  It made me insane.  Literally the quiet drove me batty and it brought out the worst in me.  And when that brought up fear and anger in me (even privately, not showing it to anyone but just feeling it or writing it in my journal) then I would get mirrored- and finally I clearly saw the "shit" I needed to get rid of.  

It got to a point with me where I was trying so very hard to change things for myself.  I was actively working to BANISH the anger thoughts, the fear, the blackness.  I refused to let myself focus on fear-based emotions/thought and instead I spent every free moment I had "protecting myself" with positive affirmations.  And life started to change, like a miracle.  My work changed for the better overnight.  I got a large increase in my salary and a promotion.  People who were not of my higher good moved out of my life and good loving kind people moved closer.  I learned that positivity actually does work, that manifestation is real.  And my biggest hurdle was not allowing myself to get "sucked down" into anger because I wasn't hearing from James.  I had to just kind of battle through it, realizing it wasn't his intention.

But I also got tired of affirming about him.  I did for almost 4 years, writing and writing.  Clearing, focusing on love, on belief, and it got tiring for me.  Sometimes I do wonder had I continued would eventually I have heard from him.  The last thing he said to me was a strange phone call where he told me that yes, I was right, he'd always loved me.  Like... strange right?  

One day I was listening to Louise Hays and she said to always say how thankful we are for all the love in our lives.  So I tried it.  I wrote that and wrote it, and suddenly I met my now fiance' David, without even trying.  He literally just kinda fell into my life.  We've been the best of friends and lovers and confidants and partners ever since.  And he is the epitome of love.  He's one of the kindest, most caring, sensitive and loving man I've ever met.  And I suppose we both needed each other.  I had been through a spiritual war unlike anything most people could ever understand.  I was battle weary and worn and I think maybe I just needed a gentle touch, after four years of being in a twin soul connection maybe David was to help heal me from the challenges of being mirrored so hard.  It wasn't easy, and at times it was so terrifying I thought I might die.  I had a ton, an absolute ton, of RAGE inside of me, and James had to mirror that back to me... it was a highly challenging experience for both of us.  I think I needed a dose of "real life," like normal life for a while so I could be de-conditioned from all of it.  I hate to say this but because of James having to act as my mirror there were times showing me all of that anger didn't feel too good.  I loved him but I was terrified of my mirror at the same time.  It was all very difficult to process inside of me.  And because I stayed militantly alone... besides being with my son I was often alone, for a while like a hermit, and after four years I was starting to "see" what I needed to change, and I did.  And I started feeling lighter and better, life was getting better, but I was still alone, militantly trying to work on my energy so I could get James back in my life.  

It was exhausting.  Then Dave showed up, and he was grieving and in need of a tender gentle touch as well.  I wasn't asking for it; entering into a relationship with someone besides James wasn't what I wanted.  But then it happened, and I remember being so scared that I was doing "the wrong thing."  And I had to constantly remind myself that it was all love, all of it.  I still loved James.  I told Dave ALL about James, lol, and the man still fell in love with me.  He's a dear heart, and even now he realizes I still love James and I want to see him again.  I am very blessed to be with Dave and to know him.  I am grateful for him.  I've learned that we can love two different people at one time.  Lucky for me I am not made to feel guilty for it, and for that I am super grateful.  

I sometimes wonder if I did start focusing on James again, would I eventually open that door?  Would the energies match up and one day he see something that reminds him of me and think to contact me?  Sometimes I do write about him still.  I remind myself, and I remind the universe of how much he did for me, how much I adore him still.  And then I'll hear all the songs and I'll see his name everywhere.  The last time I wrote about him was at a coffee shop.  I stepped into the store next door and the song "Sweet Baby James" was playing and I had to smile.  It brings me a source of comfort I suppose.  

Rambling as always.  This blog lets me get my heart out when I need to.  I miss James dearly.  But most days life is so full, busy and good, and he's on the back burner of my heart.  Then, once in a while, he moves up to the power burner and I feel like everything just happened yesterday and I can remember his bright blue eyes and those amazing kisses.  I've never shared kisses with anyone like we used to kiss, content to sit, embraced, kissing and kissing and smiling at each other and KISSING.  Ugh- I'm human and I love him... I still miss his sweet kisses.

Later skaters.

Jen