It's 2023...

Well, hello. It's been a while, I know. I don't know if anyone will even see this! But I've been wanting to write here and update for a while. To anyone who may read this I hope you are all doing well. It's been almost ten years since I met James. I still think about him every day. I was at work not long ago and I must have emailed myself something many years ago. I was still actively channeling then and it blew my mind! My words from about seven years ago brought it all back, my earnest love and yearning. The twin soul experience. The way I manifested and he mirrored to me. Allllll of my writing. My tears. My deep vicious pain. My healing. Life is so SO so very different for me now. I think the biggest change is (and I've only mentioned this a million times on this blog) I now realize, and live my life knowing, that I'm a very strong manifestor so I have to be very careful where I put my energy. I live this daily. In order to have a happy life I really have to watch what I allow myself to focus on. Sometimes it's frustrating. Sometimes I just want to be a negative bitch! I want to commiserate about bullshit and the stuff that annoys me... but 99% of the time I am strong enough to veer away from that because I know I bring to me more of what I focus on, and who wants more bullshit in her life? James is the one who showed me I am a strong manifestor. But I wanted to come on here and make a few things clear for anyone who might come across this and wonder, "I wonder what she is doing now? Did she reach "union" with her twin?" Some people, after they've been in this for some years, will say that the only reason they met their twin was to heal. I do not agree. Until my dying day I will scream from the mountain tops that I LOVED and still love that man. It was love. I think I completely see what happened. I had very strong energy, and much of it was fear energy. I had a fear of being deserted, left behind, forgotton, not important enough to be memorable. Easily let go, moved on from, replaced. I believed I was fun and interesting... but eventually something better would come along and any man would be able to move on from me. I did not feel important. I did not love myself. So when I met a man who I absolutely ADORED soon that love would give way to debilitating FEAR. Even when I was able to keep that fear to myself and behave "normal" or even... come off as a strong, kind, loving good person- very likeable I would think- inside I was absolutely dying, fighting with my fears, begging God to "please not let him leave me..." I was mired in fear on the inside. Worry and doubt ruled my thinking... and then, being a strong manifestor, those fears would "turn into reality" in some way or another. And that is what happened with James. It would be interesting to sit down with James and have a completely honest and transparent conversation about what happened, on his end, ten years ago. Like what did it feel like? I'd like to explain to him my side (not "my side" like I'm defending myself but I wish I could tell him what my experience was while we were apart but still in communication at times.) I wish I could be with him, as much time as we needed in a quietish place to sit and talk like two normal human beings. And be honest. Because what I experienced was NOT normal, not "of this earth," and I wish I could share it with him. I KNOW I must have appeared absolutely fucking bonkers much of the time. I was, in a sense, losing my "mind." It's so odd to look back because I knew what was happening. Technically I knew he was mirroring me. But when the hurt would arise, the anger would come, and the grief, and I would start thinking "bad" things and then the silence would continue, or the odd messages would arise, and I could not get out of that vicious circle. I hate that. It's been over six years since we've been in contact with each other. The very last thing he told me was he acknowledged that he did love me, always had, and he wanted to be with me. I heard his voice because it was on the phone, totally unexpectedly, and I can still remember how sad he sounded. Looking back it's really quite sad. I'd bet my life that he did miss me, and he wanted to be with me, but I was keeping him from me with my super strong energy. Twin soul experiences are no joke. Twin soul, twin flame... I am not sure if those exist (yes, go ahead and throw something big and hard at me, hurtle away!) But seriously the label means nothing. He was my strongest soul connection. He's the one I felt such magical love for that I walked through Hell to try and get back with him. He was the only one special enough to acutally help heal me. I loved him SO much that despite how scary the twin soul experience was (it can be super painful when you are creating your worst monster through your twin soul) and how hard he had to mirror my anger and fear back to me I kept plugging along because I. LOVED. HIM. I knew he was my mirror. I knew what my guidance, my higher self, used to tell me- that he had a job to do for me, to heal me. To show me myself, and he would stop at nothing to do so. And my job was to love him through it, no matter what. To remember who he truly way, the sweet kind gentle loving man I met and dated and fell deeply in love with. The man who always called me, always text, always the cutest sweetest words. Who had no trouble with commitment and wanted to be my boyfriend. Who waited patiently and respectfully for me to be ready to be physical. Who brought me little gifts and who was kind to my young son. Who accepted me for who I am. Who loved me. I know he loved me, and I know that did not change. So now. After four years I did start to heal. I began literally forcing myself to be very very careful what I manifested. I became a "believer" and even when I felt shitty or angry I pushed it to the side and began affirming goodness and love, and my life began changing for the better. See, I had a HUGE anger problem to overcome. I used to have huge amounts of anger inside of me. I didn't often show that anger in the "real world" but I would vent it into my journal, or sometimes out loud when by myself. Pure rage. I hated spirit. I hated this twin soul journey. I hated being separated from the person I loved. I could go on and on. I finally came to realize all of those huge anger outbursts were being mirrored back to me in certain ways, and sometimes through James' interactions with me. It became SO obvious that I had to OVERCOME it. We use the word "heal" but for me, let me make this very clear, I forced myself to overlook the anger and replace it with something else. Because I knew the HELL my anger would create for myself. I chose differently. I avoided that anger. I did not allow myself to indulge in it. And slowly but surely it began to dissipate. I still have a snarky personality. I have to really be careful online because it's so easy to get sucked into drama, and drama is not good energy for me. If I let myself get embroiled in something stupid online then I can easily brew up something shitty in my life. I have to avoid it. I have to avoid anger, frustration, etc. I understand LIFE is life and we all get angry, irritated, frustrated- God knows I do! I feel it then let it go. I don't let myself wallow in it or let it fester. I can't if I want to be happy. Because I manifest into my reality situations, people, experiences- that match what I am focusing on. When I feel big emotions and energy over something then it is bound to come back to me. So I work hard to keep my energy focused on the good stuff. James. I think about him every day. I am married now, and I don't feel guilty for still loving James. I still wish I could meet him again. I have a dream that one day he will just reach out to me, out of the blue like he used to, and say hello. Like nothing ever happened. And we'd plan to meet and talk, and we'd talk and hug. My husband knows this. I refuse to feel badly about my love for James. I've been honest since the day Dave showed me he was interested in me. He knew being with me, marrying me, was contingent on the fact that I also loved James (no matter how long it had been) and in my silly little heart I felt that one day, some day, I would see him again, and I'd never let that wish go. My husband agreed to that. My husband is genuinely one of the sweetest kindest people you could ever meet, and he loves me dearly. I love him too and I am eternally grateful for him. It's just different. Loving Dave and marrying him doesn't replace how I feel, what I went through, or the fact that there never was an "ending" to me and James. When I met Dave it had been four years of separtation and being alone except for my son. I was feeling better, stronger, but the journey was really wearing me down. Over those four years I was a HUGE hermit. I would stay home and journal for hours, working out my shit. That's how I worked it out- I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. Kajillions of words. THAT is what showed me most that I was a manifestor. I'd write in my journal, "I'd love for him to come home and go for a walk, holding my hand." And an hour later I'd get an email from James saying, "I can't wait to come home and see you again. Will you go for a walk with me, and can I hold your hand?" When those things first happened I thought I was losing my mind! But they happened over and over and over until I saw that anything and everyting I was thinking about him would or could be shown back to me from him, no matter how deeply inside I was feeling it. Talk about having to totally gut yourself. You don't have any idea the terror that comes with being shown your own rage, fears and doubts through being mirrored by your twin soul. For me it was almost like I was forced to "clear myself out" or else I may have went crazy or hurt myself or worse. Luckily I saw it clearly and was stubborn enough in my love for James to see past that mirroring, fight through my fear. I was bound and deterimed to MAKE IT HAPPEN. Until... I just couldn't do it anymore. When I began clearning out the crap, and he no longer had to mirror that to me, it got strangely silent. And I had a very difficult time with no contact for months and months. It wore me down. I'd try to "manifest" hearing from him (because seriously that was the only way I could receive contact from him once we were in "separation) and when months would go by I finally could not handle it anymore. Writing started slowing down. I felt better and was ready to LIVE again. I wasn't dating. I was like militantly holding out for James! But I was going out, having fun, singing karaoke (which I love!) Meeting people. I was meeting wonderful people because, get this, I was changing what I focused on. I was being positive, affirming goodness... and goodness was coming to me. But James was not. And then I met Dave which was the very last thing I expected to happen. Dave just happened, ha. I met Dave and then we barely spent one day apart. It was very challenging at first. I felt like I was doing something "wrong" in dating Dave and putting my energy towards Dave instead of... affirming night and day that James was a great person and we would be together again. I didn't write those things like I used to. I kind of fizzled out when I started to LIVE again. And spirit was kind enough to show me in various ways that this new love with Dave was fine and good. And I've come to understand that love is love is love and it is okay to love more than one person, even in a "romantic" sense. With me I feel fortunate because I was able to be honest with Dave about how I feel, about my journey. Dave tells me I am "powerful." He knows I manifest (we all do, so does he.) We are not religious but we are good people, and we practice manifestation kind of as our "religion." My son knows my beliefs, and we work together to affirm our days. I have a very happy life. My life is blessed in seriously every way. I have a great job, partially working from home, I got a raise for literally no reason of mine, and goodness literally just "falls out of the sky" for me which I am grateful for. THIS IS WHY I FOCUS LIKE I DO. Because of the return on investment! All that said, I still think about James, and I still miss him. Sometimes more than others. Often just a wee bit. But not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I get reminders. I dream of him, and when I do it's like I was just with him. I can see his smile and hear his voice. It is so weird. But I have to ask myself... if it all boils down to manifestation, and I don't put the energy in, will I ever hear from him or see him again? I tend to just live my life. I don't journal like I used to. But sometimes I want to pick up my pen and remind myself of the man I met on my 40th birthday and had the absolute greatest first date EVER walking in the park. He asked me, and honest to God I can still see us in my mind walking along together and he looked at me and asked if could hold my hand and then he grabbed my hand and we walked along together like two teenagers. Full moon, blue moon. And we were swinging on the swings, and talking. Talking all evening. It would have been so simple. Had I met James knowing what I know now we'd be married and have at least one child. Because I would have only manifested strenghtening our relationship. No fears. But... that didn't happen, and I can't regret it. I had to be cleared of my fears and anger. I had to learn how to love myself, truly. Because you won't manifest entirely good stuff if you think badly of yourself because- you bring to you what you believe. So if you feel you are unworthy then you will get proof of that in your every day life. But turn that around and love yourself, think you are a good person, a person worthy of love and wonderfulness, and then those things will come to you. Now I love myself. A LOT. God damn I've been through more than anyone, ANYONE, will ever understand unless I was to write a book about it one day. I've come close to death, and I've seen what Hell is. For that reason I adore myself, especially for everything I've been through. I want to tell those of you who may be in the middle of a twin soul experience, a separation of some kind, just because I am not with James now does not mean you can't make it with your twin soul/twin flame. But what that will take is you working SO SO SO hard on changing how you think. I KNOW I am 100000% right that the one who goes silent, who moves away or whatever, is NOT "the runner." They are the mirror. A "runner" if what I would have been if, during the middle of all the scary mirroring, I would have "ran off" and avoided him altogether. Had I ran off and gotten together with someone else two years into it (before I saw things clearly and started changing for the better, before he'd done his job for me like he was supposed to) then I would have been "the runner," running away from the connection. You have to look past the mirroring and focus only on their goodness which is truth. Anything less is you being mirrored, them acting as your mirror. I don't mean to sound like a hypocrite but hear me out- I had HUGE fear. I have super strong energy. So when James was acting as my mirror it was brutal (no fault of his own.) I created so much distance between us that I was not able to climb out of that. I think in the end, back five years ago when I met Dave, it would have ended up detrimental to my health for me to keep trying, and keep trying, and not moving on with my life. I've never ever "let go" but I did have to move on. I was shown that... I never intended to meet Dave. I believe fully that was somehow "planned" for me. But for others who do not have the same energy as I do, who maybe have not dug that energetic hole (and distance) as much as I did... you have hope! I truly believe you CAN reunite with your twin. I believe it IS about the love. I believe twin souls are meant to be together, are good together... but shit they mirror you so you have to be in a good place. You cannot think anything bad about them, or doubt them, because they will only show you what you think about them. If you do not have totally unconditional pure love for your twin soul, where you know they are doing a job for you on a spiritual level (even though they just seem like a normal Joe Schmoe sometimes even clueless human being) and you do not judge them badly in any way- then you will not reunite. But if you clear yourself out, and you stop creating distance, and you manifest goodness consistently- then I truly feel that you can be back with your twin soul. So don't despair! I'd like to make one clarification here though- I do NOT support people who randomly throw around the term "twin soul" to excuse and tolerate being abused. You must be spiritually mature enough to know the difference. Twin souls stay distant FOR A REASON. It's part of the process, healing from afar. If there is someone in your life, continuing to be there, close to you but abusing you then that is just a jackass you need to love yourself enough to get away from, not a twin soul. If there is strong twin soul mirroring going on then believe me there is also silence and often (like in my case) some kind of distance. Lately I feel like "trying" again. I have things I wonder. Like... has that ship sailed now? Or if I started putting my focus on him in my heart, good thoughts, loving thoughts, remembering goodness... could I one day hear from him again? Is it possible? I don't have all the answers, but often I do want to try. To see him and know the man I first met would mean just so much to me. We never ended, and in my heart we never will. Anyone else would think I am silly but I tell myself we still love each other, and if we were to meet again the same energy would be there between us: endearing, precious, loving, special, cosmic... and that's okay. If you're at the stage where you are still in touch with your twin soul, think about this post. If you want them with you then you have to energetically work hard to love only. And believe the journey because it is not of this world. Hugs, Jen

Love

 

You were my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.

I remember when I spent my last evening with James as his girlfriend before he left, back when he was leaving for a new job and we were going to be dating long distance.  It was a beautiful and sweet evening.  As he was leaving he hugged and kissed me, told me he loved me and he said, "This isn't goodbye.  It's until we see each other again."

Years later I did see him again, once.  We did say bye that night, and he told me he loved me.  Lots and lots of time and space have passed now but *still* I realize how majorly special, odd and unreal the entire experience with James has been.  I still say "has been" because I will NEVER give up on hoping I will be able to meet him again.  

Someone left me a message asking me if I am married.  Yes, I am now married.  I got married in June.  I've already mentioned here that my husband is a very sweet, dear, kind and loving man, and he knows about James and accepts how I feel.  Still it was a really difficult decision to get married.  I know how stupid I sound but I had to state to him one night soon before we got married, "You know I still love James, right?  Even though he isn't here, even though I know it sounds like a fantasy or fairy tale or nothing real, I still love him and I'll always wish and hope to see him again, and I can't guarantee if that miracle were to happen that I would not still love him even if I am married to you."  He said he still understands.  And that's that.  Dave is a lovely soul.  I'm absolutely blessed to be married to him.  I do love him dearly.  I've expressed many times that it's a different love, a different feeling, than when I was with James and... well, what can I say?  Dave is my dear friend, my love, my buddy, my "partner in crime" as we call each other.  We get along very well.  Seriously we have a great relationship.  My son adores him.  Dave's like an angel in our lives.  THIS is why I do realize that if a person ends up in what totally feels to be and appears to be a "twin flame" connection- you really can love someone else.

Too.  I think that's the kicker.  I love James, and I always will.  I know I'll remember him for the rest of my life.  Of course with the passing of time comes the tempering of emotion, especially of longing and sadness.  Honestly I don't think I could have lived much longer with the intense ACHING I had to... love him again in person.  And I do not mean sex.  I mean- I just longed to see his beautiful face and hear his laugh and hold his hand and be his friend and to KNOW him again.  And that longing and aching HURT so so so much!  

I read a quote a long time ago, and it might be somewhere here on my blog, that the sad longing a person feels for someone who is no longer with them is just love that is intended for one person but cannot be given to them.  For a few years that love would gather up inside of me until I was overwhelmed and would release it either as bouts of intense crying or sometimes the ache hurt so badly that I would get angry.  I got tired of "hurting" from loving someone so much.  It taught me a huge lesson though, one I try to keep in mind today.  Let me explain, and I wish that anyone going through this would understand something important.

JUST LOVE THEM.  Allow yourself to MISS them.  Have no worries that "missing them will manifest the absence of them."  That is SUCH bullshit!  Ignore 99.9% of the spiritual "rules" every got damn money hungry snake oil salesman "Twin Flame Expert" will try to impart on you.  Here it is plain and simple" JUST LOVE YOUR TWIN SOUL.  LOVE.  Even if it hurts.  Even if you cry a lot.  Even if you feel miserable and want to eat ice cream alone like a hermit for weeks.  Avoid anger and fear.  Do not think about "but he's the runner."  JUST LOVE.  And when you love someone who isn't with you, who you want to talk to, someone you long to lay eyes on, to see their beautiful face and winning smile and sweet soft voice... when you dearly miss someone who you became good friends with, who your heart made a lifelong connection with even if it only took one night to do so- HONOR THAT CONNECION.  Don't let anyone try and make you feel badly for that love!  Somehow a new "spiritual" movement came about with the energy of love=weakness and that shit IS. NOT. TRUTH.

If I could go back to five years ago, before I met my husband, I would not be afraid that missing James was "wrong" somehow.  I spent a lot of energy trying to harden myself and then I would get angry.  It was when I allowed myself to just desperately love him and miss him and ache for him that I healed the most.  I remember those moments, crying so deeply because I loved this man with my entire heart.  

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I promise I know what I am talking about.  Had I just let myself love him, focused on that love, reveled in it, wrote about it and focused on why I loved him so much, brought his memories close, cherished them, compounded on them... then maybe we would have ended up back together because, and here is the kicker, twin flame/twin soul connections and all about manifestation.  And I will go to my grave knowing that whoever is "left behind" on the receiving end of the silence is the manifestOR.  

I did not get there.  I tried.  My energy was too intense, and my fears created a lot of crap that I could not "let go of" and I just did not get what I wanted back then which was to be back together with James.  Now I share my life with a wonderful man who is dear to me.  I will not lie.  I will not say, "He is the love of my life."  I am honest to my heart.  I love him.  He is absolutely precious to me.  I make it a point to protect him and remind myself daily to only treat him well and with kindness because he is an angel sent to me to help me heal my tattered, war-wounded heart after going through an intense soul experience for years. 

I'll always love James.  Sometimes I feel badly for him because he got mixed up with my fucked up ass when he met me.  I can't believe how afraid of love I was back then.  I was SO afraid that I wasn't worthy enough to be loved for "the long haul."  That I was sooooo easy to let go of and forget.  And James had to heal me of those lies, and it was not easy and I will always love him for helping me to know my worth.  This is why I know in my heart that no matter what transpired between us he loved me and he wanted to stay with me.  I just know it- I'd bet my life on that.  Now I realize that I am worthy and valuable and memorable and when someone falls in love with me they fall hard and want to hold on.  I still wish I would have realized that eight years ago but... James helped me to finally know my truth.  I do love him for that.

Oh, man I still hope that one day I'll be able to sit down with him again and talk.  Smile, laugh, and I know I'll still love him very much.  

Funny, I still get signs.  Recently Dave, my son and I were at breakfast and out of nowhere my son said, "Doesn't James like this?"  Something we were eating, and oddly nothing we ever spoke of.  But my son, he was SO pointed in how he said it.  He looked right at me and said, "I thought I remember you said he liked this."  It was a bit awkward, there was that long silent pause, but I was thinking- there it is, another reminder.  And not long ago we were talking about my son's favorite subject, Science.  He said something about James.  And he said, "James is a really nice guy."  And I wanted to weep because yes, yes he IS a wonderful and sweet person and GOT DAMN please realize that fears and doubts will majorly fuck up a twin soul connection.  Ya gotta know truth, and truth is always goodness and love.

I'll hold on to those memories forever, no matter if they transpired over a short amount of time.  He treated me dearly, with such patience and respect (especially for my body and my consent.)  He looked at me like I was... a goddess, and he told me so.  He was literally perfection when I knew him, everything I had ever asked for.  My dream come true, and I'll never forget that.  I miss him dearly.  Now I miss my friend.  We spend a long time talking and sharing and becoming friends before we became lovers and honestly all of those long deep conversations and emails and texts stick out in my mind so so so much more than being physical.  We didn't have a lot of time for that.  It was sweet and good but we spent more time kissing and laughing and talking and holding hands and writing to each other than making love- so those are the things I miss.  I just missing talking to my friend.  I do.  So yes, I still wish that I'll hear from him one day soon and can know him again.  I would love to have James be a special part of my life.  

I'll wrap up by saying that LOVE is the best energy, and I have to remind myself of that all the time due to life's challenges.  Whether I love my son, or my husband and this man I remember with such warm fondness, who I hold close to my heart, it's all good because LOVE is best.  If we feel love then we are all good.  Never ever worry about loving too much.  Love is strength and goodness. 

Take care  xxoo

Jen 

"Moving On" and "Letting Go"

 

I get signs, still.  It is mainly the songs.  I stumbled across this one today, forgot which song it was but it reminds me so much of James.  I sound like a broken record but I miss my sweetest friend.  I really really miss my friend.  It's not the romance (although I do still remember his sweet kisses) but the love.  And him as a person.  I miss my friend.  

Sometimes I have dreams too.  

Let me tell you something, come closer so I can whisper it.  It's pretty important, and it's something most people don't understand but now I do.  Here it is: just because you "move on" doesn't mean you "let go."  Spiritual people, those who throw the jargon around, they like to use those two terms, "let go" and "move on."  But letting go and moving on are two very different things.  I had to move on with my life or else I think I would have died.  It would have killed me, staying where I was- staying alone, trying and trying and trying.  I was lonely although I was getting happier and healthier.  So I ended up moving on, even if it was not my plan.  But at the same time I have not, and I will not ever, "let go."  The beauty of it is I do not have to let go.

I never ever ever have to let go of my love for James, and that brings me a strong sense of peace.  I can love him.  I can hope to see him again.  I can wish to hear his voice or get a text from him or sit down and talk to him or wrap my arms around him in the hugest warmest most loving hug ever.  And it's okay.  I am very very very blessed because the man I have in my life who loves me, and I love him, has told me it is okay.  I am free to love James.  He realizes that I can't change my heart and he loves me anyway, and I found that I am able to love two people at the same time.  One who resides in my heart and one who is part of my life.  

My fiance' and I talked about this again not long ago.  We are getting married soon, and marriage is, of course, a huge step.  But I love him and he loves me and while I would be happy to live together and love together he really wants to be married.  He adores me, and I am so lucky to be loved by such a dear good sweet man.  But we talked and I told him I still feel the same exact way I did the day we met almost four years ago- I still love James, and I still hope to one day know him again.  Dave says he understands and if that day were to come we'd deal with it.  He says he'd want me to follow my heart and be happy, and he'd love me no matter what.  How blessed am I?  It frees my heart knowing that I don't have to lock away my heart, or lie; I can be true to myself and my heart and it's okay.  I am so thankful for that, and for this dear man.

I do get signs though, and dreams, and the songs.  And I ask for my Higher Self to please guide me.  I feel like I get nudges to continue to think of James and his goodness, and to love him dearly, no matter what my real life is like.  To just be love, to all.  To love my fiance' and to also love James.  Like I am not supposed to forget him or push his memory to the side.  

It is wonderful but... bittersweet at the same time because I do miss him.  I wish I could hug him.

Please know that if you have a special soul connection with someone like I do James, even if it's been a while, and even if you feel this person is your twin flame or twin soul- it really is okay to love someone else if you are lead there.  Have clear intentions.  Don't do it to "run" from the connection, or as a distraction.  Be honest in your intentions and if it happens then it's okay.  For me I am definitely blessed because I can be honest with David, and that's a huge gift that I am thankful for.  My fiance' is an angel. Guilt is a really yucky feeling and I am blessed that I don't have to feel guilty because I still love James.  I guess love, real sweet good love, is positive no matter what.

I hope James is happy.  I hope he is well-loved.  I hope his life is joyful and fulfilling.  I do miss my friend though and hope for the day when I can hear his sweet voice again and see his shining smile, and beautiful blue eyes.

xxoo

If I Could Go Back In Time

There is one thought I have over and over.  If I could go back to some years ago, those four years after all of this started happening, there is one important thing I would change, and I think it is a very important point to make to people who are in a twin flame separation right now.

I wish I would have let myself miss him, entirely.  Just miss him.  I wish I would have let myself cry whenever I wanted to, missing the shit out of him, crying from love and sadness over being away from him.  There is a HUGE different between being sad because you miss the shit out of someone you love and being sad because you fear that someone doesn't love you, sad because someone left you and doesn't care any longer. 

People told me I wasn't supposed to miss him, that being sad is a bad energy.  But being sad over missing someone you love, wishing you could be together, is okay.  It really is.

If I could go back then I would have allowed myself to realize we were separated for a reason, for a twin soul connection, not entirely real life, and that he loved me and I obviously wasn't "ready" energetically-wise to allow our reconnection so we were still apart and it hurt SO FUCKING BAD being apart from the person I loved with all of my heart and soul.

I did love him, tremendously.  I should have just felt the love, let myself ache for him and cry for him and feel that deep longing, the longing to be with him.  I wanted so badly to put my arms around him, to kiss him and laugh with him.  I absolutely ached to communicate with him.  Oh MY GOD being separated with no communication was so god damned hard.  I missed talking with him, emailing and exchanging funny messages and loving words, and the hours-long phone calls, the soft gently words, his humor.  His sweet voice.  I missed that so much, and it made me treacherously sad. 

I wish I had fell into that sadness, let the missing him envelope me and soothe me, in a way.  Instead I would try to harden myself and it ALWAYS spiraled me into anger.  Anger at God for putting me in a twin soul union.  Anger at my soul.  Rage, dark dark rage.  Anger and rage is a dark sharp gnarly ugly energy.  Sadness over missing someone you love, simply missing that person and aching for them, is a soft buttery, even healing energy.  I always felt better, like another wave of cleansing would pass, when I would just cry and cry out of love for him.  Crying helped me purge.  But when I would get rageful inside it only brought me more pain and more separation from James.  I should have just let myself be sad, heartache over loving him yet being apart. 

Let yourself cry.  Miss that person if you are in separation.  Know he/she is only doing their "job" but love them, don't be angry.  Don't feel guilty for being sad, but only miss them and love them.  Don't feel rejected, don't feel forgotten.  They have not forgotten you.  Love them, even if it means hurting and aching over being apart.  Cry if you have to, cry over the missing them.  

Being separated from the person you love is painful.  Heartache is real.  That's why they call it the blues.  Because when you love someone dearly it hurts being away from them.  That's called being human, having a heart, and it's okay.  So don't let anyone tell you that you should be stronger, forcing a happiness you don't feel.  Go on and be grateful for whatever good you have in your life but also allow yourself to miss the one you love.  That's what happens when you love someone wonderful and they are not with you- you miss them.

I speak from years of experience, almost eight years to be exact.

Jen

Keeping The Blog Active

 

I read an article recently that said we never really get over a past love.  We just learn how to live with the memory of the person we had close to us, in love.  I guess that's where I am with James.  It's been a while.  I still think of him often though.  I see people who remind me of him and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe.  I still imagine how wonderful it would be to sit and talk with him, freely talk, like we did when we first met.  When it was normal and amazing and beautiful and the most precious love affair I've ever experienced in my life.  I'll never ever "get over" James.  I still love him and miss him.

But life goes on.  It has to.

I don't write much but I choose to keep the blog up and active because I KNOW what I have experienced is truth, and I still get messages from people telling me my blog has helped them.  I always wished I would be together with James again, and as of right now that hasn't happened.  But I know I went through something extraordinary with him and it was real, and I know many other people out there are going through something similar and maybe they will find this and maybe it will help them.  The entire situation was real.  Call it "twin flame" or "twin soul" or whatever but it was real, and it means a lot to me.  He means a lot to me and he always will.  Getting older, time passing, life moving on, new loves entering the picture- none of those things negate or wipe away or lessen the love or the memories or the desire to know this person again.  I'll always want to know James again.  

Sometimes I daydream about meeting him.  I wish I would hear from him, like he would reach out to me, and let me know he's around, has been thinking about me, and wants to meet and catch up.  It would be... strangely normal.  There is something I want probably more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.  I want to be able to sit down with him and talk honestly, discuss the strange shit that happened.  I wish I could tell him, "I'm honestly a fairly normal human being but this has been the strangest experience I could ever imagine, like stranger than fiction."  I wish I could thank him for being part of it, THE ONE who finally showed me myself.  I want to thank him because it put my poor dear friend through a Hell than I can't imagine, coming from his side of this connection.  

I'll always know that our twin souls, the ones who go quiet, those typically called "the runner," are the catalyst in all of this.  I'll always believe James was my mirror that showed me my "shadows" that needed to be... evicted.  I can't say my "demons" were "healed."  I had to evict them.  James helped.  But I know he didn't want to.  It's a supernatural connection.  It isn't normal by any means.  We really must learn to forgive our twin souls.  I remember my guidance telling me that he was here to heal me, and I was supposed to love him through it, and to always remember who he really was.  I was told that over and over and over.  "Above" (higher self I think) told me that James was bound to me in such a way that he would stop at absolutely nothing in order to "heal me."  Even if it hurt.  And it did, oh my God, and I know it hurt him too.  I just know it.

So even today I get this twisted knotted feeling in my stomach because I can look back now, with a clearer mind and fears evicted, my thought process not colored with terror, fear and despair, and recall the times he would reach out to me sounding so sad, missing me terribly, but still "bound" to being my mirror, and if I wasn't 100% clear inside (and I was far from it) then he still had to hold back, remain somewhat aloof, yet now I can clearly see how much it hurt him to do so.  That he actually wanted to be with me.  That he missed me and hated being apart.  And oh how that still aches.  It does.  I can't help it.  

I wish I could hug him. I didn't get a chance to show him how much I love him and to thank him.  

I do believe that twin flames can come together again.  I know the energy/manifestation is VERY REAL.  I know that there were times when I would think of him, very deep loving thoughts, putting tons of love energy into a moment and he'd reach out to me, out of nowhere, even after months of no contact- and I know my energy "allowed" it to happen.  It was a reflection of that good strong energy; he was showing it back to me in return.  I will admit the quiet (hence the name of this blog) is what was the hardest thing for me.  It made me insane.  Literally the quiet drove me batty and it brought out the worst in me.  And when that brought up fear and anger in me (even privately, not showing it to anyone but just feeling it or writing it in my journal) then I would get mirrored- and finally I clearly saw the "shit" I needed to get rid of.  

It got to a point with me where I was trying so very hard to change things for myself.  I was actively working to BANISH the anger thoughts, the fear, the blackness.  I refused to let myself focus on fear-based emotions/thought and instead I spent every free moment I had "protecting myself" with positive affirmations.  And life started to change, like a miracle.  My work changed for the better overnight.  I got a large increase in my salary and a promotion.  People who were not of my higher good moved out of my life and good loving kind people moved closer.  I learned that positivity actually does work, that manifestation is real.  And my biggest hurdle was not allowing myself to get "sucked down" into anger because I wasn't hearing from James.  I had to just kind of battle through it, realizing it wasn't his intention.

But I also got tired of affirming about him.  I did for almost 4 years, writing and writing.  Clearing, focusing on love, on belief, and it got tiring for me.  Sometimes I do wonder had I continued would eventually I have heard from him.  The last thing he said to me was a strange phone call where he told me that yes, I was right, he'd always loved me.  Like... strange right?  

One day I was listening to Louise Hays and she said to always say how thankful we are for all the love in our lives.  So I tried it.  I wrote that and wrote it, and suddenly I met my now fiance' David, without even trying.  He literally just kinda fell into my life.  We've been the best of friends and lovers and confidants and partners ever since.  And he is the epitome of love.  He's one of the kindest, most caring, sensitive and loving man I've ever met.  And I suppose we both needed each other.  I had been through a spiritual war unlike anything most people could ever understand.  I was battle weary and worn and I think maybe I just needed a gentle touch, after four years of being in a twin soul connection maybe David was to help heal me from the challenges of being mirrored so hard.  It wasn't easy, and at times it was so terrifying I thought I might die.  I had a ton, an absolute ton, of RAGE inside of me, and James had to mirror that back to me... it was a highly challenging experience for both of us.  I think I needed a dose of "real life," like normal life for a while so I could be de-conditioned from all of it.  I hate to say this but because of James having to act as my mirror there were times showing me all of that anger didn't feel too good.  I loved him but I was terrified of my mirror at the same time.  It was all very difficult to process inside of me.  And because I stayed militantly alone... besides being with my son I was often alone, for a while like a hermit, and after four years I was starting to "see" what I needed to change, and I did.  And I started feeling lighter and better, life was getting better, but I was still alone, militantly trying to work on my energy so I could get James back in my life.  

It was exhausting.  Then Dave showed up, and he was grieving and in need of a tender gentle touch as well.  I wasn't asking for it; entering into a relationship with someone besides James wasn't what I wanted.  But then it happened, and I remember being so scared that I was doing "the wrong thing."  And I had to constantly remind myself that it was all love, all of it.  I still loved James.  I told Dave ALL about James, lol, and the man still fell in love with me.  He's a dear heart, and even now he realizes I still love James and I want to see him again.  I am very blessed to be with Dave and to know him.  I am grateful for him.  I've learned that we can love two different people at one time.  Lucky for me I am not made to feel guilty for it, and for that I am super grateful.  

I sometimes wonder if I did start focusing on James again, would I eventually open that door?  Would the energies match up and one day he see something that reminds him of me and think to contact me?  Sometimes I do write about him still.  I remind myself, and I remind the universe of how much he did for me, how much I adore him still.  And then I'll hear all the songs and I'll see his name everywhere.  The last time I wrote about him was at a coffee shop.  I stepped into the store next door and the song "Sweet Baby James" was playing and I had to smile.  It brings me a source of comfort I suppose.  

Rambling as always.  This blog lets me get my heart out when I need to.  I miss James dearly.  But most days life is so full, busy and good, and he's on the back burner of my heart.  Then, once in a while, he moves up to the power burner and I feel like everything just happened yesterday and I can remember his bright blue eyes and those amazing kisses.  I've never shared kisses with anyone like we used to kiss, content to sit, embraced, kissing and kissing and smiling at each other and KISSING.  Ugh- I'm human and I love him... I still miss his sweet kisses.

Later skaters.

Jen

Moving Forward, But Never Letting Go

 

Waiting For A Girl Like You

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written on my blog.  Sometimes I feel like a twin soul fraud.  I am going to be getting married soon.  In June.  My boyfriend loves me so much, and he wants to get married, and I do love him, and it is the right thing to do.  It is the "normal" step to take.  I have such a happy life with Dave and my son.  I've been in a happy relationship with Dave for almost four years now.  Four years is a long time.  I've been... "separated" from James for almost eight years.  In eight years I have seen James once, and I have not been in contact with him for maybe... at least four and a half or five years now.  I cannot put my life on hold forever.  I have to "move on."

*sigh*  To most people how I feel inside would seem really fucking crazy.  I still miss James, and I still think about him.  Not as much as I used to, thank God.  I don't feel the same ache or pain and I'm glad.  That was rough.  Dave realizes that I still miss James and I wish I could sit down and talk with him again.  He knows that even though we are getting married I still wish I could talk with James again.  Sadly he parallels it to him wishing he could talk with his late wife again, although for me it is different.

I had no closure.  No resolution.  I was in love with James, in a relationship with him, his girlfriend, and he disappeared.  I've never "gotten over it."  I KNOW he's my twin soul.  He is the only person on this earth who mirrored me so strongly.  Many of the teachings say that twin flames are here to "teach" us, to show us all the things we need to heal- our "shadows."  But for fuck's sake I did not want that!  I fell so hard in love with James.  Oh my gosh did I.  And I need to state on this blog that even while I am planning to get married- I STILL LOVE MY TWIN FLAME.  I am not ashamed of that fact.  I can't put my life on hold forever.  I have a child.  I have a man in my life who I do love, and who loves me.  Dave is an amazing person.  He has a heart of gold, and he adore me.  Like... he cherishes me.  He's love incarnate.  I really can't put off getting married forever.  I am happy to get married to Dave but it is bittersweet because I wanted to marry James.  But when you don't have contact with a person for five years you kinda have to "move on."  Moving on and "letting go" are two different things though.  I don't think I'll ever let go.  I am glad to know that I don't have to.

I wonder how James is doing.  What is his life like right now.  I wish... I wish I could have him in my life, know him.  It is so tough to know someone, love that person, make such a strong connection, and then the person is GONE.  It felt like death, and it pretty much still does.  I know I will love James forever.  I will always think of him as "the special one."  Unresolved.  UNRESOLVED.  I've said this before on my blog, and I am not bragging.  But I am a strong smart woman.  I'm educated, Master's Degree.  I have an excellent career, and I am the director of my area in a big ten university.  I've been a single mother for a while, own my home, have nice things... I'm of sound mind and soul yet I know with all of my heart, I know my truth and I will know it until I die- that man loved me.  He loved me hard.  He fell hard in love me, like giddy in love.  Texts and calls and emails and kissing and hugging and laughing and SHARING and "pillow talk."  Making love, sweet kind special love.  The epitome of what making love is supposed to me.  I know James loved me.  So I cannot 100% ever accept what happened.  Being my mirror, showing me my fears.  I understand he showed me what I was fearing but that does not WIPE OUT the actual love he felt for me, and to this day that haunts me.  I know he loved me.  I remember the cuddles, the embracing, the sitting and talking and hugging and kissing... hours of kissing and talking.  No TV, nothing but us sitting and kissing and giggling and talking, mostly kissing.  His bright blue eyes and gorgeous cheekbones and the kisses.  I've neve experienced kissing like that.  The best kisses ever; James told me I was the best kisser ever, and I've never experienced kisses like those I shared with him.  It was perfection.  Irreplaceable.

Dave misses his late wife and for that reason I don't feel bad or guilty for how I feel.  I am totally understanding of his grief; how could I not be?  I still grieve too.  It might seem weird or silly to most because I didn't know James for very long but my God I fell so hard in love with him.  He was everything I ever asked for.  I miss him so much.  

*sigh*  I'm getting married in California.  For anyone who has been with me from the beginning you'll know the impact of that.  I have to laugh, California.  I guess it shows that I've grown.  I can plan to get married in California and it doesn't sting.  Newport Beach, and I am so very blessed, and grateful.  It looks amazingly beautiful.  

I wanted to marry James.  My guidance used to tell me "Don't kill your dreams."  And while I am thankful and happy, and I do love my boyfriend, I still feel like I killed my strongest dreams with my fear.  I wanted to marry James and maybe have another child.  I so much wanted to be James' wife.  I loved him so much.  I can't really put how I feel into words.  Bittersweet.  

My guidance told me something while I was in the middle of all of this.  They used to tell me that his job was to HEAL me, to show me the things I needed to change and heal.  They told me James would do ANYTHING he needed to in order to heal me, anything, and it might hurt or be scary.  And they told me it was my job to love him, always, through it, and to always know who he really was.  And to love him no matter what.

Now it has been over seven years.  And I do love James.  So hopefully I did what I was supposed to *weeping.*  Because I DO love him.  I remember him as this sweet kind adorable man who was so very kind to me and my son.  Thoughtful, kind, sweet.  Patient and respectful.  I don't let myself "go there" very often because honestly it only hurts.  I miss James.  I wish I could talk to my friend again.  I am not strong enough to say I'm thankful for what he showed me and I can let the rest go.  NOPE.  I loved him too much.  I want it all.  I miss him.  I never stopped loving him.  I've always wished to have him back in my life, and I still do.  But life goes on.  

Don't think I'm not conflicted.  I am.  But I cannot put my life on hold forever.  

My God I do love hard though.  Eight years almost and I still love this man.  It took four years before I could even be interested in another man.  My love for James was and is so very strong, and that does warm my heart.  It shows me that I have a strong pure heart and I love hard.  I'm thankful for how strong and pure my love is. 

I know what James did for me.  He might not realize it, and I totally understand that.  Even now it seems supernatural.  I look back and am flabbergasted at how weird it was, even now.  It was so fucking weird, not of this world, supernatural.  He mirrored me, strongly.  It showed me what energies I absolutely must rid myself of.   Yes I'm thankful but man at the same time... no matter what I miss him so very much.  I am also sorry for what I put him through.  I did not understand it at the time.

I miss you James.  I tell myself that maybe you might see this one day and realize that no matter what, no matter how much time has passed, no matter what happened, I still love you and think you are wonderful and I remember how sweet and kind you were to me.  A wonderful person, and very special to me because even if you don't realize it you have such strong energy that you were used to show me myself.  The good parts and the dark fearful doubting parts.  You helped me heal myself.  You helped me show me how to love myself.

I remember when James and I were dating he sent me an email.  He told me how wonderful I was, how beautiful.  He said, "Do you know how beautiful your smile is?"  He told me he loved me so much and he said, "I hope you can accept my love."  <---- THAT FUCKING HAUNTS ME.  Now I can look back and see what he actually meant.  He hoped I could accept the fact that he loved me because if I could not accept that he loved me... it would cause big issues, mirroring me.  And it did.  I was terrified.  I thought he would leave me for something better, like I was not worth enough.  How sad as I look back, to not realize my great worth, to doubt how special and "hold-on-able" I was.  Now I realize that I am special and worthy.  Thank you James for showing me my worth.  I am so sorry we had to go through all of this for me to know that.  I miss you and love you, dearly.  I know you are a wonderful person and I adore you.  I always will, until I die and after.  I pray with all my might that when I die you will be waiting there for me, to hug me.  I miss you SO MUCH.  I pray that your soul and my soul may be reunite one day, even if it is after I die.  I love you so much that I tell myself you will be there to welcome me, your soul and my son's soul.  You mean so much to me.  

I still wish I could go back, God help me.  I wish I could go back and accept your love.  I have never gotten over you.  I don't think I ever will. 

I miss him so much.  And that's okay.  I am grateful for all the love in my life.  I am grateful for everything James showed me.  And still I love, and miss, James my twin soul.

  

Happy New Year

 

I hope anyone who might be reading this has a very happy, blessed, fulfilling and prosperous new year!

Wow what a year 2020 was, right?  I know the last year has treated people in many different ways.  My heart goes out to those who've lost a loved one or a friend due to covid.  My life, my family, we've been well.  We've been careful, as careful as we can be, and everyone is healthy.  I'm working.  My son is going to school.  My parents are healthy, and I pray that the vaccine is available to everyone ASAP.  Please keep thinking positive, and don't forget the power of manifestation.

January 20, 2021.  I have it marked on my calendar with highlighter and hearts and exclamation points and balloons and smiley faces, and I am so happy!  I can't wait for the new Biden administration to be in office..  It would take me days to explain how I feel about the last four years, and this is not the time nor the place for that type of pontification.  Suffice to say that I hope the last four years brought to the surface and shined a spotlight to the shit that needs to change in our society, and I am confident that it can only get better from here.

That said, I hope anyone who might still be reading this, and everyone else too, is healthy and happy and doing well.  No one could have imagined the happenings of 2020.  

I miss seeing people smile.  Seriously, I am a smiler.  I like to SEE people.  I like to say hi at the store.  I like to make random conversation with someone I don't know.  So these fucking masks suck although YES I wear them and YES I realize their importance.  But I don't like them.  I do look forward to when I can smile at someone and see them smile too without a mask.  And lipstick, like what's even the point?  Now it's all about mascara.  Thrive Cosmetics, that is the best mascara EVER, just FYI.  I literally have the smallest eyes and little to no eyelashes yet Thrive makes me look like Cher.

Last night I had a James Dream.  OMG!  It felt so real!  I love these dreams because they make me remember.  How do dreams work?  Like seriously, it's all X-Files.  It was like I saw him.  I HEARD his soft kind voice.  I saw his face.  I felt him because we hugged, for a long time, and I could literally FEEL him.  *deep sigh, like really deep sigh like you just dropped your favorite book in the tub, no worse but I can't think of worse.*  So weird how these dreams feel so damn REAL.  Like dudes I heard him.  We were hugging, this huge hug.  Just a hug but it was like the most beautiful hug ever, more perfect than baby flying unicorns.  Or meltless ice cream.  It was a huge warm melting beautiful smooshy lovely perfect long hug.  And then I think I woke up.

Sadly I woke up.  I wanted that fucking sweet hug to last forever.  I could have kept sleeping for hours wrapped in the warmth of his inviting hug.  In my dream I actually was going to end the hug (I was scared) and he emphatically said, "No" and kept hugging me.

And now I want to weep.  And I probably will.  Because to this day, over 7 years later, I still miss James.  I love him, I think of him, and there is no other man in my life (and at 47 there's been a couple who have made an impact on my heart) who has meant the same to me as James.  And my biggest wish is to be able to hold him in my arms.  In my dream last night I remember thinking, "I'm going to start crying.  I can't believe it's really him, finally.  I have my arms wrapped around him and his arms around me and I get to finally hug my beloved friend again." 

It was a really sweet dream.  I so wish, with all of my heart, that I could hug him again.  I'm thankful for that dream. 

Happy New Year.  Be happy, healthy and safe.

xxoo

Jen