Love on A Friday

Image snagged from http://www.jeremynoeljohnson.com

It is currently the Friday before a holiday and I have exactly 53 minutes left in my work day.   My exuberant little toot of a five year-old son is excited, looking forward to when I come pick him up so we can begin our "stay at home days" which means the days we get to spend together where I do not have to go to work and he does not have to go to pre-school.  We can be together having fun, and the fun starts tonight because we are going to a small festival that is held in my town each Friday night throughout the spring and summer.  There will be live music, food, treats, and possibly a kiddy train ride plus there is a big park where he can run around and play on the playground equipment. 

I'm looking forward to our weekend together but I have to say- my heart aches.  My heart is aching out of my chest... I feel such immense love for my James today.  I can't help but miss him to the depths of my soul.  He and I are both Leos, born within a few hours of one another {remember, in the same hospital too,} and the beautiful image of the Leo about made me think of us.  

I dream of the moment when I connect with my Beloved again.  Many teachings on the web stress moving on and forgetting {or trying to} and being oh-so independent, not needing the twin soul.  Well, you know me if you've read my blog, I am not one of those people.  I was made for the love of my James, and I need that love.  It is the only love for me.  I need his gentle touch, his sensitive nature, his respectful, kind, loving heart and soul.  I quite obviously do not need it to "survive" as I am sitting here writing this blog, living and breathing, and he is not been physically with me.  I mother my son wonderfully, I take care of a large home that houses myself, my son, my friend and her two children, and I work full-time in a professional position at a university.  I LIVE.  I take care of business.  If a pipe clogs- I fix it.  If the snow needs to be shoveled I... either do it myself or pay someone to do it for me ;)  My house is clean, my "kids" {mine and my friend's kids} are well-fed, loved immensely, and well-taken care of, well-LOVED.  So am I- I also love myself.  I spend ample time with my son and I try to remain happy and joyful as much as possible.  I do not "need" anything to live- I live now.

But my life would be so much more rich and full and colorful and delicious and amazing and deep and... Heavenly and blissful with my James in it.  It would feel more "right" and complete.  Yes, complete.  With my James living with us, loving with us, sharing a life with us.  I miss him deeply.  He showed me his wonderfulness two summers ago and it was a perfection I will never be able to let go of, overcome or replace.  His heart is one-of-a-kind, totally unique, and he is meant for me.

I wish more than anything that James was waiting at home for me tonight when I get home from work with my son.  I wish he was there to greet me at the door, kiss me and hug me while my son excitedly hugs him and begins rambling off to him about his day.  James loves my son.  Very much.  he was good to us when he was here, an angel who showed me how I am meant to be loved: with a tender, affectionate, caring, patient, kind, joyful, passionate, intimate, generous, respectful and attentive energy.  He is all of that and more.  I wish he was headed to the festival with us, together being that family we discussed we would be, my son's loving and caring step-daddy, my Beloved mate and partner-in-crime ;)  I feel in my heart this day will come for us.  My twin soul has shown me such love and whenever he is able to come through and reach out to me, no matter what he has to show me about my thoughts and beliefs, he always manages to somehow slip in that he needs to see me again, that he MUST see me again, that he wants to see me again.  And I know when that moment finally arrives for us he will melt for me and I will gaze into the beautiful blue eyes of the sweet man I know and love.  He will cup my face with his tender gentle hands, smile into my eyes and kiss me until no time has passed and we are again one in all ways. 

I ache for him.  I do.  And I am not ashamed to admit that.  It does not mean I am not whole.  I am very much whole and strong.  It does not mean I am co-dependent- I've been doing it on my own for a while now, pretty much a hermit {except for being with my son and see a few good friends} while I work on my healing.  Despite a few glitches I've stayed strong, hung tight and am working towards our reunion.  I understand the journey we are on together is a spiritual mission of love and healing but this does not mean that at the end of the day... I don't miss my dear sweet adorable twin soul, my endearing boyfriend, friend and lover.  The one who loves communicating with me, sharing with me, and knowing me in all ways.  He loves my mind and I appreciate that about him.  I love my James with that love which cannot be described, with a never-ending fire while will burn through eternity.  He is irreplaceable to me,  my treasure.  I know he loves me and that we are meant to be together.  Just right this moment, on a Friday afternoon of a long long week... my poor little strong-loving heart aches for my twin soul.

I his last message to me he wrote, "I hope I get to be intimate with you next week.  HOPE and WISH."  Well intimacy does not mean sex.  Intimacy means looking inside someone, taking the time and energy to really KNOW a person, to want to know a person.  To be attentive and understanding, to pay attention to someone deeply- that is intimacy.  James was always very intimate with me right from the very start and I pray for the day I know that intimacy with him again.  He took the time to get to know me.  He WANTED to know me.  He craved knowing me, and I did him.  That craving is still there for both of us; there is so much more for us to know about each other.  I love his intimacy. Besides my child, his love and affection, the intimacy we shared, is the best thing in life to me. I am so immensely thankful and appreciative of the love he has for me, for everything he did for me and showed me when he was in my life, and I am grateful for what he's had to show me since he's been gone {even if it has hurt.}  He is just so dear to me, my sweet little science trip.  My Beloved.

I pray... I PRAY and wish and hope and trust that one day soon I will hear from him again.  Until then my handsome Leo resides here, in my heart, where he will forever remain.

I wish you all a wonderful weekend.

xxoo  Jenny