!!Love!!

GOD I love this photo!!!  Don't judge, lol.  Last night my son fell asleep wrapped in my arms, by candlelight.  As I sang him lullabies.  I totally soak up every moment of his childhood so when he's 18 years-old I don't look back and wish I'd done more, paused that extra moment, paid more attention or wish I hadn't let his childhood slip away.  The thought makes me weep, to let his childhood slip by.  So I make sure I do not do this.  I relish in all moments I can get with him.

Heartache is draining, and I've dealt with heartache in some way or form since my little man has been alive but so have many others in many different ways.  I manage.  I manage and having my son in my life has helped me so very much.  Somehow through all of this, or because of all of this and my heightened awareness, I am an attentive mother.  Part of it comes from the fact that I don't date.  I did somewhat before I met James and it is daunting.  I am glad I don't date.  Of course I want him back; he was great as a boyfriend. It wasn't some big song and dance like it can be with many men.  He was easy and pleasant, not energy-draining.  Once he left and I felt I needed to be alone and didn't want anyone else I haven't had to deal with all that.  So I am not doing the on-line dating thing, fractured attention coming from texting men and talking and getting sitters and going out.  I am not saying those are bad things for others to do but my attention has not been there.  I literally have barely anyone who calls me or texts me!  Isn't that crazy in this day and age?  Same with email.  I have only one email friend who I keep in contact with regularly, my dear friend Lou who is also a twin soul and we understand each other.  I text so little that it's almost embarrassing, and man I'd love to be back to when I looked forward to getting those love bomb messages from my twin!  I am barely on the phone either.  I have FB and share updates of me and my child there, and I visit, in person, my friends and family.  I lead a very "unplugged" life and I think this has helped me avoid distractions that would keep me from giving my child the attention he deserves at this tender young age.  And I am really thankful for that.  It's just another benefit that has come from this union.  I suppose it's helped me focus on important things in life.

But this picture... how she gazes at the sleeping child's face really hits my heart.  My heart is breaking over the photos I've seen of the child refugees, and I can't really write about it because I feel the only thing I can do is love my child, and love and help the two who live with me, and be as good of a person as I can because I can't save the world myself... and I wish I could.  The photos I've seen make me weep.  Those kids, and I can only imagine their poor parents who want to keep them safe!!!  Oh it's so sad.  Last night I listened to my son's quieted breathing as he fell asleep in my arms.  I'm lucky enough to have him so I do let him snuggle up with me.  He sleepily told me what songs he wanted me to sing to him.  "Working on the railroad," he requested so I sang, and he softly sang too in his rough, raspy little-boy voice, "I've Been Working on The Railroad," one of his faves because he LOVES trains!  After that he wanted, "The hush little PJ song," which is our own private special mommy-created version of "Hush Little Baby" but I use his name and added a bunch more verses using his favorite things and we've been singing that since he was a baby.  And then he whispered, "Elmo" when I was done with that one.  I created an Elmo lullabye for him when he was an infant, sung to the tune of "Memories" from the musical "Cats," lol.  By the time I was done singing him that song he was fast asleep, in my arms.  It's so sweet to feel him relax and hear his breathing slow, a half-snore to where I know he is sleeping.  And his sleeping body twitches as he drifts off farther to sleep.  He looks so peaceful sleeping, my angel.  I laid there for a while with him in my arms but eventually I had to get up because I was falling asleep and I had candles lit and I needed to blow them out, and I really wanted to do a small bit of writing to my twin soul before sleep.  But I love knowing that my son feels so safe and secure with me.  With everything crazy going on in the world I am so thankful to climb into a warm bed at night knowing that my child is safe with me, warm and comfy and secure.  So many others are not; I feel blessed for us and sad for them.  I'd just put the other two who live with me to bed too.  Hugged them, tucked them in and told them I love them, put on a movie for them to fall asleep to which is their routine.  It seems loving is my job and I am good at it.  They are sweet children.  All children are sweet.  They are with me tonight too since there mom works so we are going to look at Christmas trees but I'm not sure one will fit in my trunk so we shall see whether we end up taking one home tonight or not.  If not we will find someone to help us go back and get one.

Amazing to think I thought I'd never be a mother because I was afraid I'd be a "bad mom."  I laugh to think back to the days when I told people I'd never be a mother.  How funny.  Yet my soul knew, always.

I love James like I love my child.  I honestly do.  You may chuckle and say, "Yeah right," but if you only knew exactly what I've had to face down through our union yet my adoration of him has only increased you'd understand.  Through him I've had to face some of my worst fears yet still I love him no matter what he's had to say to me.  No matter that he's had to stay away or show me my fears, no matter that I dream of hearing his voice again since it's been so long, no matter that I know little of him, no matter ANYTHING- I love him.  Like I want to take his face in my hands and just gaze at his sweet face like this woman gazing at this child.  I miss those glowing blue eyes.  I want to gently caress his face and smile at him, or kiss his his soft lips.  No questions asked.  No apologies necessary.  I need nothing from him to love him.  Not even his presence in my life.  Not even his sweet words or affectionate gestures.  I only love him.  I'd LOVE to see him again. I'd love to kiss his lips or touch his sweet face or feel him above me again, moving inside of me looking into my eyes and telling me, "I love you" while making love.  I'd love to be his blissfully lucky adoring wife, him as our family would be heaven on earth for me but without all of that I love him, and I will forever love him because that is what unconditional love is, or at least I think it might be what unconditional love is.  A love so pure that all I want to do is look at him while he is sleeping and touch his face and know he is happy.  That I can love him through anything, just like I would my son.  It is the same love just with different facets, a few different feelings involved.  If I could just sit and hold his hand and talk to him and have him as my own for eternity I would be the happiest woman on the planet.  The happiest woman in the universe... and even without him here with me I'll always love him... yet I miss him since he is not with me now here on earth.  And that is okay.  I sure do love him though.  I hope he is well.

*sniff*

Jennifer