I just have to say this. I don't understand always what is happening to me. I know I am not "normal" because I LOVE like a hundred times stronger than most people around me. I love everyone. Even those people who annoy me- I love them. And every day it becomes easier for me to just love people. Let it go. Whatever. And just love.
That said, I am about ready to explode from the level, depth, giganticness, of this love I feel for James. I mean I do love other people, a lot. I do not have the ability to hold resentment against people. I don't even have the capacity to "forgive" because I do not ever have to forgive since I never hold anything against people in the first place. But with James, OMG. What is this? How can I feel this way about another person? My chest actually hurts sometimes, aches. It feels like my heart is growing ever-bigger constantly. It has to in order to hold the amount of heavenly love I feel for this man. I will love him forever. I love him no matter what. Just love. I adore him from his head to his toes. It's a sensation I can't really explain, to love someone who I have not seen in over two years, who I rarely communicate with "in real life" and who has to show me things about myself that have not always been easy to see or take. Yet I fucking love him, like OMG love. Like... all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and hug him forever. And pat his cute head and kiss his sweet lips and stroke his beautifil face and smile into his wonderful blue eyes.
WTF, right? And I was one who always scoffed at romance novels and called those love films "cheesy." But here I am melting daily over this one person. The one I only ever want to hold on to. The only man I want to be close and intimate with ever again. I cannot explain this level of love I have for him. And admiration. He's a humanitarian, an environmentalist and a strong loving caring soul of the Light. He is like me, really. We are cut from the same cloth because I have that same strong empathetic heart like he does. He CARES. He is gentle and tender and loving. He's so affectionate and sweet, and yes like I've always said, he was so damn good to me and my kid. The most perfect love.
I feel SO much deep emotion for him. So much love. I care about him. I want him safe, happy, well, content. My heart is ready to burst. I do feel he absolutely loves me now, loved me then and has always loved me. I feel he will forever love me. He's like my cute closest BFF in Spirit who would do anything for me, even leave me and mirror me in order to propel me through my Awakening. Oddly enough I feel like I am always only his, and that he is my lover and my buddy, even now. He is the only man I ever even think about, like part of him is here with me. I can just feel his love and how much he cares for me. That he is helping me, and that he really would much rather be here with me in a conventional relationship, loving up on each other every day yet he has to stay away in order to get me to focus and all the rest. Yet we've walked this path together and he's been there for me, and he's always come through when I've needed to see something important about myself. Good and not so good. He's told me time and again how beautiful and genuine I am inside and out. He's also had to show me my fears, and I know it's when he'd rather just show me his strong love. Once his perfectly planned communication brought me back from the very close brink of suicide. How can I feel anything but love him for that? HUGE huge love? Adoration? There is a reason why I fucking love this adorable little human being as much as I do. Because he has helped save my life. I can only be thankful to him, and I will love him forever for helping to save me. And I can only love him so much that... this huge beautiful shining bright sweet perfect divine heavenly love has forever transformed me. I am still the same woman as before but better, more healed, more healthy, fearless, knowing and AWARE.
Hopefully soon I will be that butterfly my Love told me about. He's always known, always been here to love me, help me and guide me. I can see that clearly. I do believe he was meant to start this journey with me 42 years ago when we were born together, to pick it up at age 40 when we "reunited" and I feel he's been with me since and will be the one I am with in the end. That is what I want, what I pray for, what I dream about. It is my strongest heart's desire. He is everything I've ever wanted, my bliss, my one true love who I asked for, prayed for, for so long. He is my heaven on earth, and he's went to the moon and back for me. He has not once let me go. He always comes through when he needs to, and it pushes me further and further towards truth. And I love him for that.
I love him. So much. I love him so much that it is no sacrifice for me to be "by myself." Because I want only him. He means the world to me, and it is my choice to just sit in this love, brewing in it and allowing it to heal my heart. My sweet dear friend and love. He means the world to me- but shouldn't he? He's helped me change my life, my outlook. He's helped me save my own life. Of course he deserves my love, my trust, my adoration. YES I put him up there on a pedestal, and he pulls me up there with him and smiles and hugs me because he reminds me that we are both beautiful souls. That we are ALL beautiful souls, every single one of us! He is a beautiful soul. I love him.
I do miss my love. I dream of the day when I can hold him in my arms again. I pray that moment is soon. I have nothing but love for him. It's a wonderful feeling, this huge love. He is precious to me, my gift and treasure and I hold him close to my heart. I believe he is my destiny and one day we will be together again. I am gunning for being married to him, us being home to each other. Home is not a place- it is people. Love. He is my home and I am his. I just feel this, and I can. I know he is meant to share life with me and my son, and I do dream of him being the wonderful, loving dear father of my next child, a sibling for my son, just like he said. I dream of the moment when I can wrap my arms around him and let him know with my heart and soul and how tightly I hug him and probably the tears I might cry that he's helped save my life, and I love him like I love God or my son. Unconditionally and fully. Always, and it's okay. I desire that moment more than I can express- there are no words. I. Can't. Even.
He is my angel. This is why I love James. He has helped me find my real true self, thank God. I was so blinded by fears and I see so much more clearly now. I will always be thankful for meeting him, knowing him and being strongly loved by him.
No matter what.
And he's really really cute naked.
;)
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