**Sigh**

I miss my love.  So very much.  I miss him more than words can say.  I wish this morning I could have woken up to his sweet face and kissed him, like this.  Gently, lovingly, with all the adoration I have for him expressed through one small tender kiss.  I pray for a million morning kisses. 

I've really have had to go inside of myself and tell myself it is okay to feel whatever I want to feel without being scared.  Like I can't be scared that if I miss him then I am only going to attract more missing, like he can't come back if I am sad that he is not here.  Or that sadness is of ego.  I think sadness is just sadness.  It's not despair.  Despair is a total lack of hope, and that is not me.  I have hope.  I believe I have a unique cosmic love connection with this man and we are inseparable no matter how real life may appear right now.  I do believe that he and his soul both love me very much.  But I am sad because he is not here in my arms right this moment.  And I wish he was.  I want him to be here with me right this very moment.

I also have to allow myself to know that my journey is not about learning patience.  I do not believe that "divine timing" is some preset time in the future that we have to wait for patiently.  I believe divine timing has more to do with the right energy, not the right time.  I want him NOW.  I love him and miss him, and I want him back with me right this moment.  I'd love to feel him in my arms.  I wish I was going home tonight to find him waiting at home for me, or that I get to go home and make us dinner and wait expectantly for my love to arrive.  So I can feed him and love him and share life with him.

I really really miss him.  And I've been working through some things here recently.  I know I have still believed in some of the wrong things.  I've still had doubt and mistrust of him.  I've still questioned things he told me.  Why?  Because of the reflection I've created through not believing in his love for me.  And it has been very hard for me to look past the illusion.  And that is sad to me because when he was here he was SO GOOD to me.  Like an angel.  And I do not buy the "well people can change" thing.  NO.  No.  Sometimes we just know truth, and I do.  The man he was when he was here in my life IS the "real" truth of him.  The "act" is because he is my mirror and has to reflect my fears.

People call it "triggering."  I firmly believe from my own journey that the "triggering" is mirroring whatever scary shit I am feeling inside of me, and it happens pretty quickly with twin souls.  Teal Swan explains the "Law of Attraction" as "The Law of Mirroring" and that makes sense to me- it is all the law of attraction, mirroring, creation.  But I have fell into, over and over, believing the wrong things.  And I am sad that I have done that because I want my LOVE back in my life.  I ache for my love.  I believe in my love, and I miss my love so so very much.

Throughout this whole thing I've been scared that he's out there just having the time of his life without me.  People tell me, "Well you need to believe he is happy."  Hey, I do want him happy.  But why would I want to sit here thinking he is fine without me?  And when I do that then all he shows me is "I am SO happy to be here... without you.  I'm having all this fun and you are the last thing on my mind."  And it's all a crappy reflection of the lies I have kept telling myself, and I so tired of it.  I am tired of the lies I tell myself.  I am upset by them.  Why in the fuck should I sit here believing I am worth so little that someone would want to shit on me, and why in the world would I want to believe something so entirely shitty about such a good man???  A man who showed me NOTHING but total love and adoration down to even treating my precious little pride and joy, my son, with love and care and respect too???  It's fucking ridiculous, totally WRONG, and quite frankly it's a little sick- and yes, maybe even a little bit crazy.  I don't like those lies.  They SUCK.  And they steal my happiness, and the steal HIS happiness too because I believe that his happiness concerns me too.  Yeah, it is hard for me to write that.  It's like something inside of me hesitates... to think that the lack of me in his life would cause him to be sad.  But yes.  I do believe that.  I believe that he has happiness in his life but he also has sadness because I am not with him, and he wants me with him.  WITH him, together, sharing life.  I know he wants that with me, and he needs me in his life.  He told me that, on the phone.  I remember.  It was a couple months after this "shifted."  We ended up on the phone and he was telling me about his life, the things he was doing.  And he said that he works a lot.  And he sighed deeply and said so sweetly, "I need you Jennifer.  I need you in my life!"  WTF have I been thinking???  It makes me so sad to know I've allowed myself to believe so little of myself, and to know the fears I've had of my love.

He fell in love with me.  Hard.  He grew very closely attached to me, just like I did him, in a very short time.  We were meant to fall hard in love.  We were made for each other.  I KNOW he adores me.  He did then and love like that is everlasting.  I believe that.  So in turn I am tired of feeling anything other than he's out there right now aching to be back with me.  I KNOW that is truth.  I know he is my soul helper, my very best friend and lover through soul, and we are exceptionally close.  And he's been my teacher, my guide, and I know he'd much rather be LOVING me, teaching me through love, than showing my my fears.

I tell myself that when I shift my belief, really shift it, then it can unlock the love he has stuck inside himself for me.  I feel this with all of my heart.  He showed it to me before but I was too scared to believe it.  He showed me that he has a ton of love inside of him just dying to be unleashed on me yet he can't show it to me when he has to reflect my fears to me, and this kills him.  I KNOW it does.  And I do not meant I want my twin soul to suffer, Hell no!  I want him happy.  I want us together loving each other because I know that is how we are meant to be.  I know he has a ton of love for me and he wants to show me that love, like he did before.  That wonderful sweet love.

I only believe that he is "happy" like I am "happy."  I am as happy as I can be while missing someone every single waking moment of my life.  I feel his presence with me all the time, and I carry his memory close to my heart.  I ache for him all the time.  I miss his presence in my life, and it hurts.  That ache is pervasive and blankets every thought I have, every experience, every moment.  I do have "fun."  I went to Disney World and was "present" with my child.  I had a blast... but I missed James with every step I took.  There is room in my heart for love, happiness AND ache.  Missing.  I kept thinking of how much I wished he could be with us, walking along with my son in the middle holding our hands.  Laughing with us, in the pool, watching the shows, talking to my son, kissing me.  A family.  So while I WAS having fun and being "happy" and counting my blessings and enjoying life instead of "just existing" I was also missing and loving James.  And I feel that life is the same for him.  He lives his life but he misses me and wishes we were together.  I believe he needs me in his life, and he's told me this before but again- I let fear steal my truth.  And I am just tired of doing this.

I am tired of believing nonsense, and all that shit is nonsense.  I KNOW he is an endearingly good loving man, caring, considerate, gentle and affectionate.  A lover.  My total sweetheart.  He's a superb human being, and I know this.  He showed me that, and I refuse to waver in my truth.  I already know what happens when I believe anything less than his goodness or his love for me: I create my own living Hell on earth, and I want my Heaven on earth now.  I do.

Another thing I've learned through this is to really start "listening" to what I am told from above.  Not in a "You must obey me!" way but more like... it's really must easier when we follow the guidance we are given.  And not many people want to realize this but Spirit has FAR more "control" in our lives, over our existing surroundings, than we realize.  Spirit can "make" our reality reflect our inner selves.  I've called it "manipulation" in the past but from what I can see it is generated from within us and then reflected in our outside world so it's not really "manipulation" if we create it ourselves through our thoughts, etc.  The outside world is just being used as our mirror.  What I mean is, and yes this has been eerie and I can't explain how it happens, if I am doubting something and then I go peruse the web snooping around, say like checking his Facebook page {if he had one} then I would be SURE to find something there that would reflect my doubt or fear.  I wish people, other twin souls out there, would realize this because they allow themselves to be lead around by their noses through social media and they do not realize it's them being mirrored.  I know because I've done it myself, and I feel a bit idiotic about it to be honest with you.  Because we are all fixated on their Facebook or Twitter pages and what we don't realize is half the shit being posted there is ON our account, to push all of our buttons.  Because they are our twin souls and it is their JOB to do this.  Even if it is not real or true.  It feeds our doubts by reflecting them as truth.  So let's say I was afraid my twin soul is packing up and moving across the globe to be a circus performer.  Even if that shit were not truth he'd probably post some article about the salary of a circus performer in Australia.  Even if he had no intention of going there.  Ever.  It would be used to fan the flames of my doubt.  And people don't realize this.  They give very little notice to the fact that our thoughts and inner stuff will be reflected, and with the Internet being so heavily used in all of this, social media is now used to "trigger" and mirror twin souls.  It's not always your twin's intentions- it's posted to poke the shit out of your buttons by reflecting your inner thoughts and worries and doubts.  Been there, done that and got the dreaded t-shirt.  It's up to us to finally say, "Enough of this madness!" and just believe.  Turn off the computer, put the phone down, disengage from Instagram and Facebook and the rest... or be strong enough to KNOW the mirroring, recognize it and face it down when it does happen.  I have a twin soul friend who obsessively checks his FB page and she has herself convinced that he's dating loads of women based on the things he likes, the females he adds to his friends list, etc. etc.  Yet she really has no proof that he's even got a girlfriend.  Her mind, her fears, have her convinced he's this serial-dating monster and I feel that the activity on his FB page is done much on her account... because he's her twin soul.  It's done to drive her crazy with her own fears, maybe until she surrenders to realizing she is creating her own reality with him through what she is believing, and often we do believe "nonsense," me included!  It's why I can write about this stuff guys.  I'm a pro at falling into my fears and empowering them.

I also think when we shift more into believing love and nurturing the good then it shifts in the opposite direction.  Things are posted that are loving and kind and can seem to concern us, like they are thinking of us.  Like maybe he posts a song you discussed on your first date, and you feel in your heart it's a reminder.  And it will be posted at a time where you are sure to see it.  It's all part of the journey.

I have inner work to do.  And it starts with believe what I believe, and allowing myself to miss him, feel sad, and to want more.  To dream.  To look beyond patience and say, "I know what I want, what I believe, and I want it NOW."  Man I do believe in "God."  Don't think I am saying I do not believe in God.  I just believe in God differently than most people do.  I believe God gives US the strength and power to make our own changes in our life.  I do not believe God has it all planned out and divies it out as "he" sees fit, after we've patiently waited long enough, being good little girls and boys.  NO- I do believe, and I always will, that God gives us the free will to make it happen ourselves, and we can make it take a long time or we can speed it up.  I want to speed it up now.  That is all I want.

I believe this man is out there loving me, and what I've been shown is illusion based on my fear and doubt, wrong beliefs.  Believing the nonsense.  I get it.  Which is really stupid when I think back to how sweet he was to me, so real, so genuine, so perfect for me.  He was very gentle and kind, only gentle and kind times like a million.  Not even human!  He did not behave like any man I'd met before or could ever imagine because he was wonderful.  Attentive, respectful, strong, respectful, funny, easy going, calm, joyful, silly, loving, tender, naughty, nice, flirty yet concerned about my feelings, full of desire for me yet patient.  Everything and anything I could ask for in a loving friend and lover was handed to me in him, my gift.  I KNOW this.  I do.  It's why I've always held on the the memory of him, and I refuse to let that go.  Like everyone else I can get scared.  The mirroring has been intense but I am strong enough to get past it and believe the truth, and that is what I have to work on now.

But I miss my love.  I miss him with all of my heart.  I love him SO much and I do believe he's been my love and helper through all of this.  I feel like he is still with me now, guiding me, even though from the outside it feel otherwise.  I can see how he still shows me what I need to see, and I just pray for the day when I see things clearly, believe only truth, and he can come back to me.  Because we love each other, and I KNOW- I know with my entire heart that he's out there at night thinking of me, wishing I was cuddled up in his arms.  I know he is waiting for me, hoping I get it right soon so he can show me his love again, the love he holds inside of himself for me.  He loves me exactly the same way I love him, totally unconditionally with my entire heart and soul, and I deserve to have his love in my life so I gotta let myself believe in his love and him.  I know this man's heart, and it is a good solid sweet loving tender caring gentle heart.  He's like me!

God I miss him.  And I love him.  I dream of holding his hands and hugging him and kissing his sweet face soon.  I dream of him touching my face so tenderly and bringing my lips to his because he just has to kiss me right now, for hours, and he can't wait another second to do so.  I know he dreams the same about me.  I know he misses me and aches too.  I know he wishes we were together sharing life, and I KNOW that life just isn't complete for him without me in it.  I feel it in my heart.  I do believe in his love for me, his huge warm beautiful divine love.

I can see where as souls we are meant to own our truth.  It really is the only way, and it should be expected of us.  We all need to know our truth.