The Holidays

All I Want for Christmas Is You

I hope everyone is having a good holiday season.  I have not updated much.  There's not a whole lot to share, not much that people would understand or believe so I keep it to myself.  I feel my twin communicates with me in other ways besides email or talking to me directly.  Sometimes I ask myself if I am delusional but it's just so uncanny.  I can have a thought or say something to someone about him and then it is shown to me a certain way that I can't really explain here.

So basically I am having an experience that has grown so deep that I can't really even blog about it any longer.

All I can say is when people say it gets easier as it goes along to forget them or we won't think of them as much or it will be easier to let go, well that advice does not pertain to us all.  I still feel him just as strongly as before.  I am so very much in love with him and his perfect love.  He is still an angel in every sense of the word to me.  I love him just as much as I did the day I started this blog. And I miss him more every day.  I finally dreamed of kissing him and towards the end of the dream I realized it was a dream and was overcome with a deep melancholy.  As I woke I was saying, "No no no" and I began crying in my sleep, crying as I woke up and lay there crying for a few minutes because I ache to have him with me.  I know we are supposed to be TOGETHER, as in under the same roof in each others arms.  I know it.  It was sad to dream of him but sweet too; I have not seen his sweet adorable face in my dreams in a long long time and I've never dreamed of kissing him.

I miss my love so much.

The holidays are not easy for me.  I mourn him not being here sharing life with me.  I cry often.  I am sad.  I put on my happy face though!  I enjoy life as much as I can.  I spend quality time with my son but on the inside there is a gaping hole inside my heart that nothing can fill.  I love him in a way that can only be explained as I feel like we are "married" in spirit.  I want only him and I have no desire for anyone else.  Still the love I have for him is a beautiful thing.  And yes I am understanding more and more than he loves me very much, always has.  But he is doing his job for me, and I am certain it kills him as much as it does me.  He wants to be here with me.  For 27 months he's wanted to get back here and see me and he has been unable to because I've been scared.  Something about my energy and beliefs has kept him away.  And I know it hurts him.  I know he's out there loving me and wants to show me his love and comfort me and be comforted.  We both need to comfort each other.  It feels like I have been to Hell and I am going to think it's probably the same for him because having to hurt the one you love is a bitch.  I am a mother.  I had to really really discipline my child a couple weeks ago and it killed me inside to do it.   I am certain that when James has to act as my mirror and show me these things that it must feel like shit, and I know this.  I feel for him because I know it's gotta hurt.  I know he realizes I am doing the best I can though.  I know he wants to show me only love and honesty.  Truth.  I know he loves me and wishes we could go back to how we were in the beginning.  I believe he wants to talk with me, share with me, have our long phone calls and conversations and I KNOW he feels exactly like I do: he wishes to kiss me for hours because to him kissing me is like heaven.  Same for me with him.  Kissing him is like being in heaven.  Heaven must feel like it does when we hold and kiss each other.  I really feel in my heart that he is missing me, sad, aching and wants me back in his life too.  It is not one-sided.  He wishes we were together right now, and he loves me fully and needs me in his life.  I know this no matter how things may appear right now.

So.  Here is my quick hello.  Merry Christmas.  Have a safe and happy new year 2016.  My prayer for the world is for peace and harmony, may love and light be shared by and to all.  My prayer for us who are separated from the loves of our lives is that we all get in balance and reunite on earth with these people who love us more than life itself, and who we love just as much.  I know we are ascending and becoming enlightened and all of that and yes I am thankful for it but I miss my love.  I know my Beloved wants me, desires me and loves me with his entire heart.  I know he is the absolute living doll sweetheart angel-man I dated who treated me like a princess, with care and love.  I believe in his tender gentle nature.  I just know he wishes he could be his true self with me again.  I miss him so very much.  It really is all I can say right now.  I love him and I miss him and it hurts being away from my love.  I pray, hope and wish for the moment when we can love and comfort one another.  I know that moment will come because he wants to see me again just as much as I want to see him.

Much love,

Jennifer

"I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true oh
All I want for Christmas is you."