*Whew!*

Hm.  Hi.  I hope all of you are doing well in your respective corners of the world.

Listen there is nothing new here, nothing you have not read on my blog already.  I am still on my journey of believing love over fear so I can create or manifest love in my life instead of a lack of love.  So, something happened, lol.  I'm not going to explain it in all of it's gory detail, and oh it felt pretty gory although I realize it's like watching a movie: not really real, only to show me something.  What I am trying to do is look at it from a higher perspective to see what it is showing me.

Am I going to cave to my fears, or am I going to see past illusion and charge forward?  

I don't mean to think I am "special" or anything but I can tell you this, my mirroring experience throughout this journey has been intense.  I don't know what the experience is for other people but mine is intense.  And I can clearly see the "cause and effect" even if sometimes the "effect" portion seems really fucking scary and can hurt a lot if I let it.  Let it because I should not let it hurt me.  It's not real.  It would seriously be like pissing my pants from a person in a scary clown mask.  Yet I am still afraid of haunted houses so... I guess for some of us it takes a bit longer to overcome fear.

I ask myself why though?  WHY is it SO strong, so intense, this mirroring?

The only thing I can think is because I am being shown things that I need to change, and when I am shown them it's highly exaggerated so I cannot miss it.  If it was subtle then I might overlook it or think it's "normal" and not learn from it or see what I am meant to.  When I believe lies or doubt then I get lies and doubt shoved at me, and not gently at all.  Maybe so, as I get stronger and less scared, I can look at them more objectively and say, "Okay I can see where I did or said or wrote this, and then this happened a week later."  Or an hour later, seriously.  Now it can be minutes.  Then once I see what I need to change I can work on shifting that thing from fear/doubt to love.  There has to be a reason why the mirroring is so intense for me.  And when I say I see something I need to change it is always in my belief system, what I am thinking, what I am doubting, what I am allowing myself to believe in.  Because whatever I am allowing myself to BELIEVE in is what is being shown to me as real.  And when you believe in the monster in the closet it kinda sucks when it reaches out to grab you... even if its intention is just to show you what NOT to believe in!  Even if its intention is to show you to focus your energy on say... winning a trip to Disney World or to believing that you will get the new job or landing an affordable home or or or- something GOOD over something scary. 

I think I am learning that being an "accidental manifestor" has its downsides.  If I say something like, "I really hope it does not rain today," then most likely it will rain.  If I say, "Come on PJ- you need to hurry because mommy can't be late for work!" then I will probably get stopped at a RR crossing on the way to work.  And if I say something like, "I don't believe a, b or c about my twin soul," then whatever I've said I do not believe could very well be shown to me as being very real.  And the only thing I can think is its because I am not focusing my energy on what I want and what I should, like love and trust, and instead on worry, doubt or distrust.  And then at some time or another when Spirit thinks it is time for me to see this BAM it is shown to me, or when I ask for it.  Sometimes I ask for it by opening the door myself, and I have learned to always be ready to accept what's shown to me.

I've read that we should never doubt them, and my guidance told me often to always trust him, never doubt him.  And I see why now.  Because when I doubt something about him, like if I don't trust him for some reason, it is then shown to me like those doubts are real.  And it's in vivid detail, in my face.  I really try not to let it hurt or scare me, or put me off or make me feel hopeless.  I try not to believe what I consider to be illusion or "nonsense."  It's all part of this process, shifting my beliefs to believe in love and not the "nonsense" and the nonsense, remember, is the manifestation of my doubts or fears or worries about him.

About two weeks ago my son was sitting at the table and he started saying, "Nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense."  He is six and it was very odd for him to be saying that word so I asked him, "Buddy why are you using that word?"  He asked me, "What does it mean?"  I asked him again why did he say it and he spouted off something like, "It means words that hold no real meaning," or something like that.  I just looked at him like he was from another planet or something and packed it away for when it was revealed to me.  And I think it was.

I think maybe I've still been believing to much in the "nonsense" or focusing on it, STILL, instead of goodness and believing in his love and good intentions.  Truth.

So there I am.  I am trying to learn to be a focused intentional manifestor while also still working on fulling believing in love.  It's a challenge.  I pray that with my own private workings, like my writing and my mantras in my head and being impeccably aware of my intention at all times, that I begin manifesting what I WANT instead of what I really do not want.  I'd like to work my energy now to where it can allow my destiny to come TOWARDS me!

Oh, how I pray!!!