Today I read something that reminded me so much of James. It sounded like him. Brilliantly expressing an opinion and a response to an article yet respectful. Reading it made me remember what it was like having discussions with him. How he is fact-based and level-headed and has a big warm heart. Memories make me ache.
I began thinking back to all the times we have gotten closer since he has been gone. For a while we'd talk from time to time. And he was sweet. I used to wonder why I would get messages at all hours of the night, like 2AM. He once emailed me the 80's song "Obsession" and told me it made him think of me. He said "You're my obsession Jennifer."
It is hard to realize I had James close many times but I didn't get it. I look back and see how he really wanted to see me and be with me. How we would get on the phone and talk for 4 hours or 3 hours and text for another hour. He told me he loved me and wanted me to be his forever. I think one of the sweetest things he ever told me was that I'm genuine and it is rare and hard to find and he thinks it is what he loves most about me. Genuine.
I'd like to think I'm genuine. Normally with me "What you see is what you get." But I thought it was wonderful that he said he loves me most because I'm genuine. Those are bittersweet memories. I wish I had him back in my life like that, all sweet and warm and sexy and loving and gentle and kind. Fun. He is fun and silly and friendly and sexy all in one. Perfect. I miss my Love.
It is hard for me not to think about how much I love James. I know it has been a while but he is irreplaceable to me. Men like him are the "Once in a lifetime" type. I miss him so much. I think back to when he was here and how he held me and kissed me and how amazing it was to finally see his adorable face again. And to hear his voice and feel his gentle touch. Seeing him again after so long was beautiful. I wish I could see him again. I want to hug him and hold him and kiss him.
I really wish I could hug and hiss him again.
I never knew, before meeting him, that I could ever love a man and miss him as much as I do James.
Good night,
Jennifer
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