Monday

I have a bad case of the Mondays!  I am looking forward to the holiday break.  I'll have extra time to be with my son which is always nice too.

Yesterday was a bad day.  I won't elaborate much but it was too much drama for me.  One of those days you can't wait to leave behind you.  In the evening though my son came home from being with his dad and I made a nice dinner, well two dinners so we have a few dinners for the week, and I put up the tree.  My son and the kids who live with us decorated the tree and put out the Christmas decorations, which I was in no mood to take care of so it worked out well, and the day ended fine.

I don't have much Christmas spirit.  I'm currently faking it for the sake of my child. 

I really have no idea what to say about this right now.  I miss James a lot.  I think of him often, obviously.  I sure wish he was in my life.  I've written so much about the reason for the silence, and I honestly believe that it is not a conscious choice.  I believe with all of my heart that James would rather talk with me than stay quiet.  But that still does not help the fact that I miss him so much, and it hurts.  I don't mean to be a baby about it.  It just makes me feel sad that I can say "Merry Christmas" to anyone I know, or email them or text them or call them to talk- and get a response but only with this one single person it is different.  The one person I want to talk to most in the whole world.

Who wouldn't be sad?

I woke up this morning and missed him so much.  I remember every last little sweet thing about him, and he is so damn cute.  He has a beautiful face.  Gorgeous blue eyes.  A great smile.  He's entirely handsome... perfect.  Not that looks are everything but he's what I want and it aches.  I ache for him.  I remember how sweet it was to have that amazingness near me, in my arms, kissing him and hugging him and being close to him.  I remember all of the sweet kind loving things he would say to me, and it is bittersweet to remember.  I am not "dwelling."  It is just good for me to remember who he really is, and he really was very wonderful to me.

Perfect, for me.  Perfect for me.

James told me he loves me like a million times in the time we were together.  And more than that, he showed me too.  I can't get over it.  You just can't understand!  You can't understand how it feels to know THAT is truth and this is not.  It drives me out of my mind.  He called me very cute little name, and I particularly liked "honey."  I can still hear his voice in my head telling me, "I love you honey."  He has a kind voice.  That is a good word to describe it.  He is like all "guy" but he is also gentle.  He was always very gentle with me.

That is what makes me feel like I am living in an alternate {and often wrong} universe.  Because James was super protective of me.  He always checked to see how I was doing or feeling, and he was careful with me.  Like he wanted to make sure I felt comfortable or that I didn't feel nervous.  He always reassured me of his love and affection.  He told me all the time that he enjoyed being with me, enjoyed my company and liked just sitting and holding me and talking to me and kissing me.  He was the definition of a gentleman in every way.

So this is hard for me.  He always enjoyed talking to me, and I know he still likes hearing from me.  It might sound strange but I just know he would speak with me if he could.  He wants to, and I have to remember that because I am just as "bad" as anyone else going through this and sometimes my brain freaks out and I start to doubt his feelings for me.  Yet I know he loves me.  He told me and I know he does.  And this is why I am here, doing this.  Trying.  Wanting him and only him.  I try to not even notice cute men.  Because let's face the facts- I've been pretty much celibate for over three years.  James came back and I made love with him and he's the only man I've made love with since he's been gone.  So... I AM human.  I have to kinda avoid even going out much because I need to stay strong and the truth is it is not always easy.  But I want James.  He is the one I want.  He told me I am his 1%, that only 1% of women are compatible with him but that I am his 1%.  He told me I am the woman he had wished for.  Ugh- I know he meant those things.  And we should still be together.

And I know he is wonderful.  And I miss him and his wonderful love.  So much.  I'd do pretty much anything to be with him again.  I am battling.  Believe me.  I want so much to hear from him again where he is gentle and kind and loving and open.  Like we were before.  Like we should be.  That is us.  We should be talking and laughing and saying Merry Christmas.

When I saw his face this past spring- I could barely believe it.  It was so wonderful to see his beautiful sweet face again and to hear his voice and he hugged me.

He hugged me.  Like, come on.  Come the fuck on!  I know he wanted to see me, was hoping to see me again.  I know it.  And he was happy to see me.  And he wanted to make love to me and hold me and kiss me and be close with me.

And I miss him so fucking much.  SO much.  I cannot control how much I miss him.  I am so entirely in love with James, and it... it is such a challenge.  Of course I freaked out after I saw him.  I got a hit of him and all I wanted was more.  I WISH to have him back in my life where he could just stay with me.  Stay in contact.  Be there.  Like normal.  Like he was when we first met.

That is really all I want.  It is my wish, my one wish, to have him in my life.  I want to live with him and love with him and be married to him and have him as our family.  I want to love him and take care of him and cook for him and make love with him every night and be so so good to him.

All I want to do is love him, but like really love him.  Here in my life and in my BED love him.  I miss making love with James.  When he was here he made love to me, and that was making love.  Real genuine love and I want more of that.  I want to be naked with him.  I want to make him moan.  I want to make him feel so good.  I just want to be close and kissing and making love and talking and laughing and having pillow talk.

Pillow talk.  He loves pillow talk.  When we dated he would not even have sex with me if we did not have time for "pillow talk."  He didn't want it to feel like "sex."  He wanted ample time to love me and hold me and be with me- that is the man he is.

I know this.  And it frustrates me to no end because I am longing and aching to speak with him again.  To know him again.  This is killing me; it aches so deeply.  I feel like I want to climb the walls or scream.  But often I just cry.

I miss having him sit on my couch and touch my face and smile at me and kiss me.  Those kisses.  Ugh- sweet wonderful kisses.  Hours of kisses.  And I want to kiss him again so much.  He is the best kisser and I ache for his touch and his kiss.  It is actually painful, this longing.  And I can't help it.  It is always there, the desire to feel his hands on me, to see his smile, to hear his voice and laugh.  I would love to hear James laugh again.  He has a cute laugh!  And we laughed a lot.  It was so fun being with him, fun.  Because he is friendly and funny and personable.  And he made me laugh.  He made me feel totally comfortable and safe.

Safe.  I felt safe with him, very safe.

It was my own personal heaven having him in my life.  I cannot get past that.  I miss him.  I want him in my life so much.  I miss having him in my life like I did.  He is wonderful.  He is a gift.  Of course I miss him and want him back- who wouldn't?  He treated me like I am precious.  He showed me how much he loves me.  He said the sweetest kindest things to me.  He was generous and kind.  He took the time and made an effort to see me; he made me a priority.  He showed me that he wanted to be with me, that he valued me and thought I was just as wonderful.

I hurt inside.  This aches.  It aches in a way I can't find the right words to explain.  Like something really important and special is missing from my life, and it is irreplaceable.  He is irreplaceable.  I want only him.

I love James.

I wish he was here.  I wish I would hear from him soon.  My heart totally aches for him.  I would do anything to hold him and kiss him and share love with him.  I want him with me forever like we talked about. There is nothing more that I want in the entire universe. 


And that is how I feel. 

All I want for Christmas is you.

Jennifer