Stubborn Love

Maybe you could call my love "stubborn love." 

I love this man.  I love him from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night.  And, honestly, I long for the escape of sleep so I go to sleep when my son does but I know I am going to wake a few hours later, thinking.  More thinking.  I can't even explain it.

I was not like this before I met James.  I've always loved hard but not like this.  I was able to let go and move on before.  I care about those people but they are in my past and I am okay with that.  But James?  I love him so much, to where I only want him. And I have never believed in something so strongly.  I believe I am going through some kind of "metaphysical" energetic experience with him.  I can't explain it.  I don't really like the term "twin souls" but we are linked somehow.  No one else out there reflects me like he does.  And I have never loved anyone like this to where nothing matters to me but having him back in my life meaning... nothing that happens {that I don't really like} matters to me, not really.  I will admit some of it is hard to forget although I try really hard not to think of it.  I AM human and my brain rushes off and I have to reign my thoughts in.  But none of those things make a difference to how much I love James or how much I want him back with me.  All that matters to me is him and his love.  I know I will always love him.

But it is these times of quiet that... push me out of my mind.  I go through irritation, frustration, anger over the situation until finally all I really am left with is praying, wishing and trying to stay focused on what I want, those things that are loving and good.  Oh and sobbing or writing on the blog because otherwise I feel like I might explode.

Weird things have been happening to me.  I don't know if they are coincidences or if it is the universe showing me that I will get what I focus on.  The other day I picked my son up from the YMCA and he mentioned something to me.  We talked about this thing for a moment and then the very next day that thing happened.  That very thing, and it was pretty specific.  Also I have noticed if I talk about something or I write about it then I will dream about it.  I know dreams can come from anywhere, from my own mind, but it's just too weird.  I'll write that I want to avoid something, like a habit, and then I will dream of that very thing.  Either it is one big coincidence or else somehow I am thinking/writing/saying something and it is either happening or else I'm dreaming about it.

So what does this show me?  Definitely only focus on what I wish to see more of in my life. 

Do you have an fucking idea how challenging that is?

I am so freaked out about this that I refuse to use specific examples here.  Except to say I would love some extra cash right now to catch up on my finances and to get some things done around my house.  Some home improvements would be really nice.  Paying down some credit.

*sigh*

I'd really love it if James were here with me.  I look back at all of my blog posts and find such deep feeling in them.  I wrote more before.  I don't as much now.  Not in my journals either.  I probably should because when I write I feel.  And I stay more focused as long as I am not being pissy.  Sometimes when I write here and it is all about how much I love him I feel silly.  But it helps me.  I get so much emotional that wells up inside of me and I don't really have anyone to share it with.  I love James so much, and I do miss him.  I remember how sweet he was to me and how hard we fell in love and how wonderful it was to share time with him and then I cry.  I cry because we miss the ones we love when we wish to have those people near us.  I wish he was near me.  I wish I could hold him for a very long time.  I wish I could touch his sweet face and kiss his lips.  I want to see his face again, his beautiful smile.  I want to hear his voice.  I dream of us being like we were when we met, back when this felt real and easy.  It was real.  And easy.  Truth.  We were two nice people meeting and enjoying each others company.  Normal and right.  I look back and it aches to remember how easy it was with him.  He is easy to talk to!  Easy to be with.  Peaceful.  I could talk with him for hours and I felt comfortable with him.  I really did, at ease.  When we were together I felt "home."  He was fun to be with.  Friendly and silly.  We smiled and laughed a lot.  He joked with me but never at my expense.  He was respectful to me, gentle.  Considerate.  My brain just can't comprehend all of this.  James and I are meant to be how we were then.  Together and loving each other.  We should be talking!

And kissing.  We kissed a lot and it was great and I love kissing him.  I am aching to kiss him!

That's what blows mind mind.  We should be talking, kissing, holding hands and being all loving and sweet together.  I've told the universe and I think I've told James that the day I hear from him and he sounds like "himself" again is the day I will believe that what I am being told is "the truth."  The full truth.  I know how the man I met and fell in love with "feels."  He feels soft and understanding. Loving. Warm and caring.  Respectful.  Mature yet kinda silly.  He would be caring and kind to me, and definitely understanding.  Compassionate.  When I hear from that person then I will know I am talking with James, the James I know.  I miss James so very much.

I sound like a broken record I know but seriously I fucking ache to be with him.  I want the truth.  I want who I know he is.  He told me he loves me and to accept that, and I do.  I do accept it but I surely wish I could know him in my life again.  When it comes to this situation what matters to me is him, him and me together.  Us.  I do care about James and his happiness.  I hope wherever he is right now he is happy and doing well.  But I still feel like we are meant to be together, and I know he loves me.  And when you love someone but are away from that person it does not feel good- and I know he misses me.  He said he loves me and always has and he wants me to be in his life.  He's told me he wishes I was with him cuddled in his arms- I know that is the truth.  I want truth now.

And I really can't speak of this to anyone.  There is nothing to say besides I love him.  I do.  I love him and he is the only man I want in my life so I keep on hoping and focusing on what I want which is him.  James.  I wish I would hear from him soon.  I wish I could see him over the holidays.  I want to go on a date with him like we used to, walking and laughing and talking freely, holding hands.  Easy and fun.  That would be the best present ever.  More train kisses.

I keep imagining seeing his face again.  He has a beautiful face.  I thought so from the moment I saw him... bright and shining.  Friendly and cute.  Beautiful.  He's adorable and it really squeezes the fuck out of my heart to think so strongly about him, to want him so much- but I can't help it.  I would do anything to know James again like I did before when things were honest and real between us.  I know we love each other.  Nothing happened to change that love.  It has always been there.  But I really really want to talk with him again.  You have no idea how badly I want to hear my Love's sweet voice.  I pray.  I write.  I sometimes cry and beg God.  Please... I need James back in my life.

And God... I know there is "something" out there that hears me.  It has in the past.  There have been far too many times when I've prayed to "God" and what I have prayed about has shown itself in my life.  So to me that means something is out there and it hears me.  Whether or not I address it is "God" does not make a difference.  Whether or not I address it at all does not matter but old habits die hard so I still talk to "God" because why force myself not to?  And right now I am telling God how much I need James with me.

He once told me he needs me.  He said he needs me in his life.  I feel it is okay for me to say- "I need him."  I really do.  Want or need or whatever- I am not peaceful or content right now.  I try to be as thankful as I can for the blessings in my life but my heart aches for James.  I wish I could be as happy as I was when he was here with me but I know I will only achieve that level of happiness when he is back in my life.  When I can talk with my loving friend again, for real.  I would be so happy to do so.  I would be so happy to look into his eyes and touch his face and kiss him and smile at him and laugh with him again. 

I love James.  I wish he was here with me.  I wish I was looking forward to him coming over to visit me, knowing I'd be able to sit and talk with him and kiss him and laugh with him again.    I wish I could hug him and make him feel good too, show him how much I love him.

I'd really love that, being close with him again.

Jennifer