Warning: I've always tried to be really honest on my blog and I will continue to do so.
"I'm so in love with you. Make love your goal." This is a beautiful song.
The power of love. A force from above.
Time passes. I have not written in a while. I don't have much to say. I still love James. I think of him a lot. I guess I don't hurt as badly now- but I can honestly say that is because I am sharing love with someone else, and having that extra joy and love in my life helps ease my heart.
That's me being honest. It helps me no longer feel like I am dying or that I want to die because I miss James so much, and I missed him while being alone and pretty joyless.
I've learned that I can love two different people at the same time. I can love one man who is here in my life, and at the same time I still adore and miss one who is not here, who has not been here- I don't even know where James lives.
A few weeks ago I was visiting this new man, Dave. He walked me home but my heart was hurting, and I think he could tell. The sky was very clear, stars beautiful. I sat outside by myself and prayed hard. I cried. I told God that I don't know what to do (but be loving and kind) and can only hand it over to God because really I do love two people. I don't have any bad feelings towards either of them, or anyone for that matter. I am trying to be very loving in my energy and thoughts and words. I have only love for James although I miss him terribly. I still miss him. I can be held by someone else, and feel love for that person, while missing James at the same time, and it's just the way it is. I can't change it. I am thankful to have such love in my life. Dave is very kind and sweet, caring, loving. He thinks, and so do I, that we are soul mates. He's 54 and not really "spiritual" in the traditional sense but even he can "feel" the energy between us. It is a warm loving safe energy. And there is passion too. Dave is really good high elevated energy, very loving. He is a good kind caring man, not just to me but to everyone he knows. I love him and care about him.
But it's very different than how I feel about my twin soul. Both are lovely, loving, and wonderful but only my twin soul... takes my breath away. I don't think anyone else will, ever, in my life, inflame me like James has the power to. I can love. I can love another man. But not with the same intensity, depth and electricity as with James. I cannot get him out of my head or heart.
So anyway I was sitting on my porch praying and crying and I told God that I really do love James. I hope he is well. I miss him. I so wish I could talk with him again. I wish I could talk to him honestly, like two normal human beings, like we were when we first met. When we started off as friends who talked on the phone (before we met in person) and before we dated, when we were just getting to know each other. I wish we could be those people again. It was so free and clear and beautiful and joyful and fun and friendly and real, and I miss that. I miss my friend.
There is not a lot of open sky around my house, lots of trees around. But as I was praying a big shooting star crossed the sky. I don't always know what to think about the signs but I take it as I am heard. So I try to make sure whatever I am sending out is good and loving. James might not be here with me, and God only knows when I will see him again, but I still hold him close in my heart. I miss him. I love him.
Day by day is how I take life right now. I just got back from Disney World and it was the BEST vacation ever. I went with my son and my mother, and my sister and her boyfriend went too but stayed at a different resort. I was gifted the amazing room we stayed in. What a wonderful vacation, and it was also lighter because I... didn't feel like I was dying from pain this trip. I can only attribute that to having someone in my life who loves me, who hugs me, who I can talk to and actually spend time with, talk to, hold hands with, etc. It was a new experience to leave on vacation and have someone back home miss me entirely and anticipate seeing me again, threw me off actually. I realize how weird it is for me to be loved so deeply; it almost feels foreign at first and I am still getting used to it. I am a very loving person, and I have a lot of love to give. I WISH I could give it to James! I wish I could hug him and love him, hold him and be kind to him, make him dinner, laugh and love with him- I wish. *sigh* I keep reading these articles that say "Take all that love you feel for your twin and channel it into whatever you do best, what makes you feel good." Ha, well for me "loving" is what I do best- and I am "loving" (as an action verb.) I'm loving a man who needs to be healed from his grief, who was drowning in his own pain, who needs companionship because he was faltering. And he shows me love too, and let me tell you- no matter what the situation has been- four years of agonizing over a man I love and miss was killing me. I needed a reprieve. Maybe this is my reprieve.
Dave knows I love him- if I didn't I could not and would not be close with him. But he also knows I love James, and he knows I can't talk about a future. I can only take things day by day, and I know in my heart that I will know Dave (and help him) for as long as I am meant to, even if that is a long time, even if it is past a time where it's a"romantic" relationship. Maybe one day we will morph into something else- I don't know. I can't think about it or else I'll freak out. Instead I thank God for the strong love in my life. I am also thankful that I am able to help Dave. I CARE so deeply about him- it makes me cry. My friend tells me it is truly "unconditional" love, and that it's a beautiful thing. Dave has said things to me like, "Okay I need to tell you this, and please don't get mad..." and then he'll admit something to me that might make another woman, I don't know, jealous or annoyed but to me I'm just like... okay. No big deal. It makes me realize the silly shit most people get upset over. He smokes from time to time, thought I'd get angry if he goes out and has a drink and a smoke. While I am not a fan of cigarettes at the same time having a social smoke once every few months is no big deal- he's a grown man. I don't want him to be worried I'll be "mad" at him; that's silly. It's a lame example but my point is- I can't really imagine getting angry with him. I don't get angry at my son either. I don't have it in me. Maybe these last four years have mellowed me, softened me, maybe they were meant to. I don't know.
Maybe I'm being... tempered. Go figure.
I do care about this person though. A lot. I want him to be happy and feel good. He was a sweet loving husband to his late wife and he's been through an absolute shit ton of pain and grief; he deserves to have some happiness in his life, and if that happiness comes from me then so be it. I can't question it. It's love. Don't think I have not agonized over this. I love James and for four years I've begged and pleaded and prayed to the universe to PLEASE please please be able to see James again, hear from him, know him. I miss him every day. I thought I was only supposed to "love" one person, James. I didn't expect to love someone else, or want to be close to another man. I thought it would be "wrong." But I care about Dave. I am only good to him. I help him and I love him. I bring him happiness- how could that be anything but good?
I keep in mind to take the time to affirm goodness and love in my life- I truly think it affects my circumstances and how people around me treat me, for the better. I want to be gentle and loving, only. I have this sneaky suspicion part of this "journey" has been to show me that truly we are meant to be loving ONLY inside, only, and I am being forced to get there. I am being forced to "purge" or get past, ascend, beyond lower energies. It is one of the only answers that makes sense to me.
Is sadness or missing someone a "lower" energy? I don't think so. I love James but I also miss him a lot. No matter if I do have someone loving in my life right now- I still miss James. I love him the same amount as I did all this time. I still feel this "limbo" when it comes to James- we never ended. I need TRUTH. I need truth. I won't ever rest inside until I have truth. Hard to explain- Dave understands, to a point, that I have "unfinished business" with James and my heart will never feel fully settled until I have some TRUTH. Truth is loving. Truth is kind. Truth is transparent, caring, gentle, considerate. Truth is protective of another person's heart, mind and emotions- I need truth as it pertains to me and James, and I KNOW truth- but I need it from him. Until then it feels unresolved to me, not over. I just feel that I will hear from him one day; we need to talk. Or hug. Maybe no talking. Maybe just holding each other. I ache to hold James. After everything we have been through together. So much intensity. All the "mirroring" and all the LOVE- the ache, the need, the missing, the tears. I've heard him sigh on the phone and tell me, "I miss you Jennifer. I miss you so much," and I KNOW he meant it. I know he's hurt too. He needs to be hugged too. I want to hold him so much. Or I want to be held by him. I wish I could sit with him, put my head on his chest, and have him hug me for a long time. I wish we could be gentle and honest to each other. I wish with all of my might that we could talk and be 10000% honest with each other, respectfully, kindly, lovingly. With a lot of care.
I feel like I am doing an okay job of "letting go of" crap emotions, especially anger (at my situation with James.) But I can't seem to get past feeling sadness or missing him. I cry. I ache. I miss him dearly. I want to see my friend in the worst way. I ache to see his adorable smile and his glowing blue eyes. I love him in a unique manner that I know I will never feel again for anyone. But him. I've come to accept that reality- I'll never love another man with the same electrifying intensity as I do James. No one will ever be my "perfect fit" like he is. No one else out there is my "twin soul." There are soul mates out there, and I know Dave is one. But James is unique, and I can tell the difference, fully. It is bittersweet. A relief to know I CAN love again. But also with the realization that it won't be the same. Only with James do my knees get weak just by hearing him say my name. I've never wanted to receive a phone call, a visit or even a text message from someone in my life more than I do from him.
There is no other man on earth I could still think of, love, ache for and miss after four years of being apart. None. Not possible. Only James. It's overwhelming to think that forever I am going to love him like this, think of him all the time, etc. I can't really think of it- again, day by day right now so I don't lose my mind, so I stay balanced, so I can focus on being loving and sane and emotionally HEALTHY (as much as I can be while I still miss someone so damn much.) Having real "human" love in my life helps, yes, and I am thankful to have someone so dear in my life- a blessing.
But man I do still love my twin soul, and I miss him with all of my heart.
I hope you are well wherever you are my friend. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you, and I love you.
xxoo
