Musings

I saw this meme today and it made me stop and think about the past, where I've been and the woman I am today.  Not so long ago, five or six years, I hated myself.  Secretly.  I was not even fully aware that I didn't think I was loveable.  I knew that I LOVED hard.  I felt like I was overall a pretty good person to others but still something on the inside told me that I was not worthy of being loved, that I was not loveable, not valuable. 

This was not a conscious thought until my "guidance" started talking to me and working with me and trying to heal me from all that deeply-seated, far-ingrained bullshit.  I was a bit of a Pollyanna.  People normally saw me as friendly and "sweet."  Why I felt so bad inside, well, I guess it is something many of us go through.  Reality is I was a very nice person.

Lots inside of me right now.  I have not updated because I don't have much to say.  This started out as a twin soul blog, and it still is, but it's different now.  I spent four years being MILITANT about this journey.  I still adore James.  I wish I could speak with him, talk to him, be "real life" with him again.  I can barely believe August 2013 even happened, getting to know him, falling in love, meeting him, kissing him, being his girlfriend, sharing hopes and dreams, making love, being intimate, getting super duper attached, enjoying him fully, loving him deeply.  Holding hands and touching and kissing every moment we were together; he made me laugh. 

I had the time of my life with James.  I've never ever gotten over it- I don't want to.

I ache inside today though.  This meme stirred something up inside of me.  Before I met James... I'd made some really shitty choices, and for a brief moment in time I was unconsciously (I didn't realize what I was doing) putting myself into scary situations, being the opposite of the woman I'd been for so long, having sex with people who didn't care about me, people I didn't know, stupid hurtful shit and it was getting worse.  I think I must have wanted to hurt myself, or felt I needed to be... someone totally not "me" so I pushed myself and acted out and then later, after it was over, I'd cry and feel like... how?  Why?  Why did I do that?  I'd go back to feeling like the regular "good" Jennifer who would normally be kind of shy and standoffish but I'd be mortified about what I did in my more "manic" shadow moments.  Those were not good times.  My heart goes out to people, women, who are stuck in that place for longer than I was because it was dark, lonely and icky.  It was scary and sad and undeserved. 

My heart weeps for that woman.  I wish I could go back to her, back then, and hug her and tell her to love herself enough to stop.  Maybe I did.  Maybe it's like that movie "Interstellar" where our guidance is actually us in the future reaching back to help our past selves with the knowledge we've gained from being farther ahead.  Maybe that is my "Higher Self."  Whatever it is- it did try so hard to help me.  It tried.  I was terrified but it tried, and I know I was a hard case.  FEAR.  So much fear, and much of that was a secret fear that *I* was actually a "bad" person hiding behind a sweet exterior.  I felt like... I was so so so imperfect.  And why did I always fall in love so hard?  Why was I so passionate?  Why was I forgetful?  Why do I battle with the bottle?  Why is my house not perfect?  Why doesn't my husband love me the way a husband should love a wife?  What did I do?  Where did I go wrong? 

I'll do better.  I'll do better.  I would sit at my dining room table "talking" with my guidance and it would tell me that God loves me and I would cry and say NO- God couldn't possibly love me!  Lies!

OH MY GOD it hurts me so much to know many many people are going through these same feelings, these LIES we have programmed into ourselves!  It was SO FUCKING HARD to get through all of that.  I nearly died, a few times.  I am so surprised I didn't get myself killed- but I look back and know I was protected.  "They" did everything they could, or "it" could, to help me, help keep me here, help me LOVE MYSELF and know my worth.

I ache today because of James, this certain aspect of him and our relationship- the purity and sweetness of it.  Before I met him I LONGED to know the "old Jennifer" again.  The woman who didn't know how to kiss her first boyfriend, who was a virgin long after others had had sex, who CHERISHED physical love as something to be lovingly shared between two people who deeply cared for each other.  Shy at first.  Reserved (but loving and friendly and warm) and not terribly flirty; a bit awkward.  Didn't have a boyfriend in high school.  Didn't go to prom (wasn't asked.)

James told me he would have asked me to prom.  He asked for a photo of me in high school and after seeing it he told me how beautiful I was then, and now, and he said had he known me back then he would have taken me to prom.  *sigh*

I was so ready to stop the crazed exhausted false SHIT in my life.  I ached for something real.  I wanted to be PURE and clean again.  I wanted my innocence back.  I was tired of the online dating routine and men asking for naked photos and pushing myself to be someone I was not because I felt I had to in order to keep someone's attention, or be "interesting."  

Going to the doctor to get tested to make sure I was "clean and healthy" was... a really good wake up call me for me but I knew going forward if I wanted to be with anyone else, in a good loving relationship, that I had to, to be responsible.  So I did and was fine and after that I thanked God above and told God- okay, that's done.  And I am DONE. 

I am done.  Done done done with that crazed bullshit.  I knew what I wanted.  I asked for "him" over and over again, listing all the beautiful loving pure bright shining qualities I knew I wanted in my "one and only" true love.  And I wanted him to be my friend, and I wanted it to be real and... slow.  Gentle.

I needed healing.

I slowed down.  I did not do anymore dumb shit after that.  I'd had a close call that showed me how far I'd let myself sink and it scared me and I wanted OUT.  Maybe I started loving myself then because I wanted to be careful with myself.  I wanted to cherish me- something shifted a bit.  I was so tired of pretending.  I missed ME.  So I stopped all the texting with the sillies out there, stopped online dating, stayed home.  I became brighter.

Then I met James.  *sob*  And he was everything I asked for, all that I needed, so loving, kind, gentle, patient and GOOD.  He was so patient with me!  So sweet and caring and good.  It makes me ache.  I miss him so much.  He is super cute, and I of course found him immensely attractive, but for some reason I could not do more than kiss him.  For a while.  Most other people would have made love but we kissed.  And kissed.  And held hands and nuzzled noses and embraced and smiled at each other and kissed some more.  We talked for hours, text all day, emailed... hundreds of fun exciting messages getting to know each other, celebrating in finding each other- it was BEAUTIFUL and the most wonderful time of my life.  I LOVED getting to know him!  He was perfect to me.

And his patience.  He let me be pure.  He allowed me my "innocence" wordlessly.  I did not have to ask him to wait.  He never urged me.  There was no hinting, no trying to take my clothes off, no "lust."  It was loving attraction, kissing... lots and lots of sweet kissing.  Heaven.  I had Heaven on earth when I had him in my life.

But I still had lots inside of me.  Some of it, I'm sure, is still there and I try to be really conscious of my thoughts, my energy, my intention, etc.  My WORDS.  What I speak into existence.  What I write into existence.  With James though, I guess he turned out the be "the one."  The one who became all the things I worried about, feared, doubted, etc.  My twin soul?  I didn't know that though.  I only knew that I totally completely adored him, and we matched PERFECTLY.  Everything about him interested me, excited me.  He is so intelligent.  His science and love of the universe.  His Atheist and free thinking.  His wit.  His beautiful blue eyes.  His sweetheart words, cute things he'd say, and the fact that he told me, wrote to me and showed me over and over... "I love you Jennifer!"

Heartbreaking.  I will forever love him.  I will never ever be able to let go of him in my heart, no matter what.  Nope, not many people can understand but they were not with him.  I was.  I experienced his huge strong sweet endearing love.  I did.  And I've never gotten over it.

I miss James.  I miss him so much. 

I had moments during our separation where that... shadow side popped up.  Where for a moment I felt, what's the word, self-destructive.  I still fight with the urge to drink but at least now if I do drink it normally does not bring out my "demons" like before.  I don't get mad, pissy or looking to do something manic and impulsive like flirting with some guy at a bar.  Even though some temptations came up- I still managed to stay totally single, alone, often isolated like a hermit, days and weeks and months spent sobbing, keening, purging, begging, hurting so badly and deeply for different reasons.  At first it hurt because I was scared he left me and forgot me, and feeling disregarded really hurts (although I now understand none of that is true, at all- so that pain no longer exists.)  Now, now I only cry because I miss him and I have no idea when I'll hear from him or see him again.  I miss my friend.  I've missed him for a long time.  My heart aches for him; I long to know James again.  We went through so much together and I want to HUG him so much!  I want to hug him and hold him and tell him it is okay, that I love him so much and always will.  That he is special to me no matter what role he plays in my life, or what his life is like right now.  I just love him, and I really really ache to share honestly with James.  Truth.  Love.  Love, at the least, meaning... looking into each others eyes and hugging and knowing- "I love you.  You are special to me.  I will always hold you dear and close to my heart, no matter where you are."

James has done a lot for me as my twin soul- but one huge thing he did for me as my sweet loving kind boyfriend was he respected me, respected my body and cherished my heart and mind.  He loved my mind and how I think, and my heart.  How I love.  I know James loves how I love.  Loved and loves now.  But he was so careful with me.  He went out of his way to let me know that he loved me for so many reasons, and he was attracted to me but he'd wait for me to be ready to make love because he loved me for so many other reasons.  ANGEL.  OMG.  I won't ever forget that.  EVER.  He let me be innocent again.  He showed me how to be Jennifer again.  He showed me real love and when we finally, kinda shyly, made love it was sweet and I trusted him fully.  I knew he was faithful and good and he was invested in me, and I could feel safe with him. 

He was such a dear to me.  It breaks me up inside.  I am SO FUCKING THANKFUL that I did not ruin that!  There are, of course, reasons why I am thankful to have met James.  Even though this experience has been Hellishly painful- it did what it was supposed to, maybe still is- I dunno.  I've learned a lot about myself, how to love myself.  It's showed me that I really do need to control my emotions and be loving because I get back what I put out, often fast and hard.  Having James as my mirror made that an inescapable reality.  It was either learn how to control my thoughts, my emotions, my fears and what I focus on- or stay trapped in Hell. 

I saw something else today, a huge truth of my life, "You change for two reasons.  Either you learn enough that you want to or you've hurt enough that you have to."  For me I think it has been "hurt enough that I have to," and I am still working on it every day.  Asking to stay tempered, kind, loving.  Working at it.  I try.  I am a work in progress.  I've come a long way.

But I miss my twin soul, my friend.  No one can understand, not really.  To have met someone so wonderful, fell in love, shared time, intimacy, dreams, hopes... talked about having a child together!  It is KILLING me inside.  A baby.  I want our baby- our family, him.  I still want him.  I miss him so much.  See, there was no "ending" so the unfinished business... last time I saw him we made love, a year and a half ago.  We kissed and talked and made love.  That was real.  It feels like part of my heart is gone, even though I still love.  I live.  I want to enjoy my life, no matter what.  But I love James and miss him, and yes- his love is like a shadow on me all the time.  His memory.  We were so perfect for each other.  James told me that he had hoped and wished for me, and then he met me.  He said that in me he found the perfect woman for him, the woman he would choose to have a child with.  He said we'd make love and create a wonderful child together and "raise it with all of our love."  He said he wanted to be a good step-daddy to my son... he was nice to my son, kind.  Sweet- so endearing.  I wanted all of that so much.  I never ever meant to "send it away."  I loved him, and I still do.   I love that he held me and kissed me and held me for weeks and that was enough for him, just being close and kissy and loving with me; I'll ALWAYS love him for giving me that sweet gift- no other man has ever been that way with me since I was 18 years old.  James made me feel young and innocent and shy and wonderful again, a true blessing to know you are loved not for what you can give a person but simply for who you are.

My situation now might sound contradictory or hypocritical although it is not.  I do love someone else, too.  Someone in my here and now, and not to sound cliche but yes he is my soul mate, and he knows it too.  I take things day by day but he... needs me now.  He's a wonderful man too, and how blessed am I to have known TWO sweet kind amazing men who've loved me?  I am looking at this as a blessing, thanking God because I was dying.  It was painful.  David- Dave does not take away the missing or the ache for James but David adds light and happiness to my life, as I do for him.  He loves me and I love him, and he knows I love James too.  For some "God can only understand" reason David accepts my belief in twin souls, and he chooses to love me even though I've been nothing but honest with him.  Like a miracle because NO other man would love me like he does through my honesty; all I can say is I tell God I love two men now but I am thankful to be so blessed with strong love in my life.  I care deeply for Dave and I know I am meant to be in his life.  Love heals, and man I needed some TLC too when I met him- it's been a long four years.  But his grief was so deep that he was faltering too, and I know I help strengthen and heal him.  So I don't question or doubt, and I am just being LOVING and kind.  That is all I can do.  I am trying to be that way in all aspects of my life.

David genuinely loves me.  He cares for me, helps me and would do anything for me (although I am very careful to be protective of his heart!!!)  He knows I will not ask for anything, and I won't accept much beyond his PRESENCE in my life.  But I am thankful that the only man I've touched or kissed or hugged after James is a good man, a strong love, a bright light- because anything less would have felt like I shit on my healing.  I have cherished through everything the fact that James helped me feel pure again, like love is real and to be cherished.  After four years totally alone, purifying myself as much as I could, I am VERY protective of myself.  I love myself and I will only treat myself well.  I am so so thankful that I stayed all "hermit" and didn't cave to doing anything stupid (or less than what I am worth) after sharing such strong genuine healthy pure love with James.  I did not want to tarnish that, ever.

Believe me- I miss him a lot.  But it's kind of challenging, you know.  For a long time I've longed to hear from him, to get a response, a hello.  I've hoped to talk to him or see him again.  To know him.  That... absence, well it hurt terribly.  Hoping and disappointment can be wearing too.  And if you are really in a "twin soul" type of connection then you should know that no matter how much you may WANT to talk to your twin- it doesn't happen just because you want it to, or because you reach out, or you email or call or text or ask, etc.  Doesn't work like that.  I still hope and pray to hear from him one day.  Honest, pure, truth.  I want to look into the kind eyes of the friendly sweet funny loving man I met on my 40th birthday.

I know I will not ever be able to accept this experience until I talk with my friend again and he is the man I met and knew and loved and experienced, the man I KNOW he is.  Until then I still love him and miss him while I do the best to live my life and be happy.  I do hope he is out there living a good life.  I wish him the best.  I care for him and love him unconditionally but my God I do still miss him and wish we could talk and hug and be normal and honest with each other.  I can't really think past that point anymore.  I've had my dreams and they are still there.  But all I can focus on is being loving and kind, and always knowing truth.  I can't force anything in 3D when it comes to James; I learned that a long time ago and I've accepted it- but that doesn't mean that I don't WISH and HOPE to see him and be "intimate" again... meaning honest, close and loving.  Kind.  Gentle.  Sweet.  Caring.  I know James.  I remember him well, and I know if he could that is how he would be for me.  Sweet, caring, loving, gentle and kind.  He did so much for me, and lots of it was hard... what I would not give to just hold him. 

I really wish I could hug you.  And I do still miss your kind sweet kisses and warm safe embrace.  Yes I am blessed with love in my life but I do miss you, love you and I always will feel this way no matter what happens in my life.  You will always be unique and special to me.

Jennifer

Life

Halloween.  Pirates.  Again.  We went out after trick or treat to grab a bite of dinner with my friend and her kids who live with us (been three years now they've been with us.)  My boy is getting so big and grown up.  He just turned 8 years-old last week!  I love him so much; he's a wonderful little boy.  All heart and sensitivity and joy.  He is so joyful, giggling all the time.  Life is just one big happy party to my son, as it should be for all children.

Jesus told us to "live like a child" for a reason.  Children are innocents, clear and pure until society programs them differently.  Teaching them a loving moral way of life begins in the home and I am a conscious aware parent who has tried so so hard to raise him with love and patience so he can be like the child Jesus told us to be- a happy, loving, carefree, joyful, worry-free human being.  I will do my best to help him carry that joy into his adult life.

I'm proud of myself that through all of my pain I've been able to be a "good" loving mother.  My child has always helped me though, without him in my life I'd be dead right now.  I've said that before (I know) but there were moments in these last four years that we so horrid, so painful, so fearful and frightening that I would have killed myself had my son not been in my life.  He's always been there when I needed a hug or a cuddle.  If I cry he always extends his arms and hugs me and pats me and tells me it will all be okay, or he will say "Take a deep breath.  Take a deep breath mommy."  He used to say to me when I'd cry, "You miss James mommy."  He knew.  My son has an old dear soul inside of him; I know he is my soulmate and I can't help but think that as "soul friends" we must be very close.  Parenting takes on a different outlook when you look at your child and KNOW inside of him is an energy that is a dear friend to you- yes I must "parent" his humanity but I know he has a loving kind soul inside of him that loves me a lot.  I almost feel like he is with me more for me than I am for him.  I managed to love him well despite my years of being pretty sad, etc. I'm blessed to have him in my life.

I have a few thoughts I want to share here, and I will create a different post as a reminder about MANIFESTATION.  I still believe this "twin soul" journey has a lot to do with teaching us about manifestation.  It shows us how we need to be aware of our energy, in charge of our energy, how we must own what we create because we ARE creating, and I still believe those of us with a twin soul/twin flame are having a "crash course" because when the twin mirror comes along- shit gets real really quickly. 

Honestly I am not sure what to think right now about James and his "human" role in my life.  I still believe he's loved me all along, loved me when we dated, loved me dearly when he left, loved me all through the silence and keeping quiet, loved me through the rough mirroring, loved me through the distance and time... and he still loves me now.  I believe that when he wrote back in summer last year to tell me, "You're right!  I do love you.  I always have" he was telling me the truth.  I believe he meant it when he told me he wants me in his life.

I just don't know what to do with it.  I've tried.  I AM human.  I get lonely.  It hurts being away from the man I love most, not knowing anything about him, where he is, what his life is like, not having him in my life like I do anyone else I know, all my friends.  It feels heartbreakingly painful, and I honestly feel that is why I met this other man.  Because I was hurting too much.  It's all I can think of, not to mention he, David, was hurting so much too- and love heals.  I love David, and he loves me too.  Love is a good thing.  It's sweet.  I have no idea what my future holds right now.  I am enjoying my right now. 

I am happy, and I needed to be happy.  I could not grasp happiness with how I felt missing James and being alone at the same time.  Now I still miss James, and I love him so much, but I'm no longer alone and I am not joyless.  Because when you take a mixture of joyless+missing someone deeply+total loneliness it equates to complete misery.  It is nearly impossible to find happiness in misery.  I am happier now.  I have love back in my life.  David is a wonderfully loving kind person.  He is good energy.  There is no settling.  I am not in a "lower relationship" or anything like that.  He is my energetic equal, and our energy is good.  Loving.  But we were both sad and sinking and struggling with heartache.  We've made each other happier.

But still I don't know what the future will bring.  I still miss James.  Loving David has brought me so much happiness but the one thing it has not done is stripped away my sadness over missing James.  I still get sad.  Friday morning I had the house to myself and I was on my knees keening out loud over how deeply I ache because I still miss James.  David must be an angel too because he asked me later- he could tell I was upset.  And I told him exactly how I feel.  I miss James.  I know he loved me and still does.  I feel like he wanted to be here in my life- and I cannot handle not knowing him.  In other words- I told David I CANNOT HANDLE the thought of "this is it."  It can't end like this.

Cannot.  It cannot end like this.  I told David the thought is torturous for me, and it hurts deeply because I miss James and know we have not had an honest conversation since he was here four years ago and I need truth between us.  I need to hug James and talk with him.  I can't believe I cried laying next to Dave, cried over James, cried over missing him and still hurting and loving him, and David reassured me that no matter what he loves me and respects my heart.  He told me, tearfully, that he'd told me from the start if my "dreams come true" with James then he'll respect that- even if it will hurt.  All I know is... SERIOUSLY.  How in the holy Hell did I land such huge real unconditional sweet amazing love from another human being? 

What did I do to deserve such an angel in my life right now?  I wasn't looking for him.  The day this all began I'd been sitting at the arcade writing in my journal, frustrated.  Asking God why?  Why?  Telling God I miss James so much- just let him be here.  Let me talk to him.  Why does it have to hurt so bad?  Why does it have to stay so quiet?  What do I have to do?  I'd already shut down multiple men who'd approached me with my standard reply: "I love someone else.  I'm not interested."  The universe KNOWS how I felt!  I was trying SO HARD to be committed and hold on and fight for my "union" with James.  And then all of a sudden Dave was there and later I realized I'd dreamed vividly of him and had signs before I met him.  Of him.  Of being with him (and in my dream it was okay- bittersweet, not James, but okay- loving and okay even if not... the #1 angel I truly wanted.)  Not like settling but... right in a different way.  In the dream I knew I was in a "committed relationship" with this person but I couldn't understand how that was possible since it wasn't James, and at the time I 100% was not planning to be with anyone else.

So I ask myself... how?  I don't feel like I manifested it.  I was focused on James.  Still.  But also still dying inside.  I hurt so fucking bad, day in and day out.  I can't help but wonder if God just knew I couldn't deal any longer how it was.  And maybe Dave couldn't handle dealing with his grief and loss alone anymore either.  And we were brought together somehow?

It helps me realize I didn't go looking for it.  I wasn't being reactive.  I was honestly trying.  I still love James.  I miss him so much.  David knows this, and I am SO blessed to have (the only man) a man who accepts me and loves me through my honesty in admitting my huge love for another man.  I am so blessed to be able to be honest and not hide my feelings.  David told me he'd rather me share what I am feeling than keep it inside or hide it, even if I tell him some things he'd maybe rather not hear.  That is like... not even HUMAN. 

It's magical really- totally loving.  I do feel blessed.

Overwhelmed too though.  I don't, of course, tell Dave 95% of what goes on in my heart; I don't want to hurt him.  This weekend I cleaned his house- it needed it.  I like helping him.  I love taking good care of him.  I really do love him, and that love feels good.  On the other hand it's bittersweet because I want to do the same things for James, cook for him, take loving care of him... I want to share a home with James.  But James is the one not here, and I tried and tried to do what I felt I was supposed to do in order to allow him back to me.  But he still is not here in my life and I guess God felt I was not meant to be alone any longer.

David has told me that he'd love to share life with me.  He told me this morning, "You belong with me."  *sigh*  He's so sweet... and I don't mind that he shares how he feels.  He does feel totally comfortable, like I've known him forever.  Which is why I can only live for "now."  I make no promises about a future.  I can't do that.  David knows this.  He accepts it because he loves me and he is enjoying each day with me.  I am trying to just enjoy knowing him, enjoy finally being happy again, enjoy having love in my life, being thankful with no worry.  While also loving James in my heart.

I have not been writing and affirming like before.  Maybe I should be.  I'd still like to hear from James, know him again.  I can't begin to tell you how much I want to have an honest conversation with him where we can both be 100% truthful and honest and real.  Mirrors ONLY of love and truth.  Only.  I really wish to speak with him again where all of my shit is cleared and he can be himself again, freely and clearly, and being himself=being love.  Caring.  Compassionate.  Loving.  Kind.  Gentle.  *sob*  I need that some day.  I need to be able to hug him and be real.  Hug and speak freely.  Not discuss the past.  Not rehash, no no no.  I just want to be able to tell him how much I've loved him.  How sorry I am, sorry... for all he's had to go through with me.  I want to tell him I know he is a good person, the man I met and fell in love with.  The angel of a man who was good to me and my son.  Who took the time to visit me and talk with me and keep in contact with me.  Who told me what I good mother and woman I am.  The man who brought me his homemade perogies and, lol, organic grass-fed ground beef because he knows I love cheeseburgers.  The man who told me repeatedly how beautiful I am to him, my smile, my mind, my thoughts.  The man who waited patiently to make love with me, kissing me night after night, telling me he would wait for me.  He just liked being with me, near me, holding me, kissing me.  Our kisses were real, real love, and I know James loves my kisses.  I know he loves being close to me, and I know he never wanted to leave me.  I KNOW this.  He told me he'd wished for me, wished to find the right woman for him, and then he met me (after his own share of not-so-perfect relationships) and we were SO GOOD together.  He was so so so good to me.  We fell in love.  He was wonderful to me.  Sweet, kind, patient, caring and careful with me and my heart and my emotions.  He was so gentle and tender.  I still miss him so much.  Even with a new love in my life, even with new happiness and added joy, I STILL miss and ache for James.  It is two separate things, to different energies.

I miss his smile and his soft sweet voice.  I miss his warm embrace.  I miss laughing with him.  I miss how he'd come into my home and hug me.  I miss sitting and talking and kissing and touching- just kissing and hugging for hours and hours.  That was heaven to me, so intimate yet so innocent and sweet and kind.  PERFECTION. 

No, I've never recovered from losing all that love and truth in the blink of an eye.  There are times where part of me feels like maybe I am meant to "move on" now and leave that all behind as good memories and a learning experience.  But then another HUGE gigantic part of me screams out NO- no no no.  I REFUSE to accept that as "the end."  NO WAY.  Our love was too strong, too real, too honest- I need truth again from James.  I need honesty.  Real.  A loving exchange.  Friendly too- we were and still are friends.  I know that is truth.  I don't care the time that has passed!  He fell hard in love with me, and James told me (after we separated) that he knows he loves me more than I even love him.  He said he loves me to eternity times 100000.  He told me, "I love you too and I want you to be mine forever."  I know so much has happened and time has passed BUT I also know my connection with him in special and unique.  It's not just human.  It is strong.  I have faith in my belief that his love for me is real, is truth, and he still loves me no matter what. 

Love happens I suppose.  I love them both.  Other people might think I've moved on but I have not, and David knows this.  He knows I love them both.  I try to bless Dave's life as much as I can.  He is so easy to love, very sweet man.  Pure goodness- I hope he is also a reflection of me and my energy because that would mean he shows me the love I am, what I deserve, etc. 

Last Friday night I was so happy that Dave was able to go out with me and PJ, my sister and her boyfriend, and my friend and her kids for PJ's birthday.  He would normally have been working but was able to go with us.  We both got fortune cookies and man oh man- they were poignant.  Even he knew his held a message... don't try to understand it- just enjoy it.  We keep getting message to "enjoy" and love right now.  So I am.  I am having faith that it is all GOOD and loving and meant to be like this- but that doesn't mean that I have "let go" of my twin soul.  I only have love for James, and I dearly dearly need to speak with him, hold him and hug him again.  I have this feeling like we are meant to hug each other for a while.  More hug than talk.  But hug, hold each other.  Intimacy.  James once told me, "I HOPE and WISH to come back and be intimate with you again soon."  Intimacy can mean so much- varied... a hug.  A long embrace.  Hugging for hours.  Soft quiet discussion. a gentle touch of a face or hand, holding hands walking together, gentle kisses... fully clothed.  I think James wants to be here and be "intimate" with me- sweetly, quietly, dearly, gently.  Honestly and lovingly.  That is what my heart tells me, and I really wish... to know my dear loving friend again like I once did, laughing and holding hands and sharing freely and being kind and tender to each other.  Honesty. 

I hope he is happy and well taken care of wherever he is.  I always wish that for James.  I know my blessings and am thankful for them.  I love James a lot.  I am blessed that he (out of all people on earth) is the earth angel who ended up my twin soul.  I wouldn't want it to be anyone else.

xxoo

Jennifer