I Miss Him

 
I had a hard night last night, couldn't sleep hardly at all.  James has been on my mind a lot these last few days.  I really miss him.  It still seems so unreal, all of this.  I mean knowing him and falling in love and being close and intimate and so loving to each other and then he was just gone and I've never come to terms with the absence of him in my life.

Don't get me wrong.  I BELIEVE this man is, strange as it is, my twin soul "mirror" even if he doesn't realize it.  I don't know if he realizes it.  We've never talked about it although he clearly knows what I believe.  I've never really cared if he believes it or not because I know what my experience has been.  I know that I can have a thought and he answers my thought via email, immediately.  I know I've spoken about him and just as soon as the words have passed through my lips *ping* he's emailed me and totally "reflected" back to me whatever I've just said about him.  I went through YEARS of that until finally it hurt so fucking bad that I forced myself to STOP TALKING. 

It is clear to me that James "was used" to show me stuff inside of myself that I needed to get rid of.  This is speculation on my part based on repeated experiences but I can tell you that I was clearly told I was being shown I needed to continue working on "releasing unnatural energies."  I was told James was showing me this, and the only thing I can think is those unnatural energies were anger and fear.  I've been very very angry throughout this experience- evidence of that is here splattered around my past blog posts.

I'm working so so so hard to stay kind and loving in my energy, always.  I know I have to.  I just have to.  I focused on the wrong things and my twin left my life.  The only way I can explain it is maybe I had the opportunity to "fix" it or right it and I couldn't do it, never got all the way there.  God knows I tried.  And God knows that through it all I've always loved James, no matter what.  I've loved him and missed him and ached for him until the pain of longing to see him and hear his voice and kiss him and be held in his arms made me want to die.  Life was so unhappy for me, and the unhappiness came from missing this man I love so much.  Missing him when I fell asleep at night.  Missing him when I woke in the morning, and missing him so much throughout the day that I'd cry constantly.  No human being is meant to live like that.

James is precious to me whether he's in my life or not- but I still love him and miss him.  And I need resolution.  I need TRUTH.  I want love energy reflected back to me from my twin.  I want to experience his sweet kind loving gentle friendly funny personable caring personality again.  I want to hug him and feel safe in his arms, knowing full well he is the same tender considerate empathetic man I met four years ago and quickly fell in love with.

None of this has been what people thing of as "real life" and to this day it still frustrates me but I don't like focusing on the frustration because it leads to anger.  I yearn to talk to James again.  I ache to see his face and hear his sweet voice talking kindly to me.  I desire to be intimate with him again.  I want "real" and honest and truth so bad from him and with him but to want those things and want them and continue to want them but then hear nothing- it doesn't feel good.  All I can do is accept it and deal as best I can.  But it still makes me cry.  I miss him.  I miss my friend.  I miss the man I know he is...

I am tempted to have regret.  I fully 100% believe James has shown me those "unnatural energies" and been a mirror of my fears so I could see them so very clearly that I HAD to let them go and begin believing other things, good things.  But that knowledge doesn't help the fact that I had an ANGEL in my life, everything I had ever asked for or dreamed of, and then due to ME- he was gone.  It is hard to live with.  I can't really even think about it.  I still battle with drinking too much because it still hurts to know I had James with me in my life, my sweet boyfriend, laughing and giggling and sighing and kissing and loving and holding hands and making love, and it was such a beautiful love and a GIFT and I had that- I had him as MINE, my love, FINALLY the man I'd dreamed of.

And he turned out to be this strong mirror of mine when all I really wanted was a sweet boyfriend.

Yes I am thankful to him for helping me.  Only James, only him- he, I swear to God, is the only person on earth who could have affected me so strongly that I stuck this out and was determined to SEE myself in what he'd send back to me.  Because I love him so much.  He made such an impact on me but I can't see any other person or experience actually being so important to me that it would force me to change and elevate and become way more aware of myself, my thoughts, my emotions, what I allow myself to talk about or think about or dwell on.  I would have to say James did what no one else or nothing else could have done for me, not even some "spirit" talking to me, James made me finally BELIEVE that I truly have this ability to manifest my reality.  Knowing him totally forced me to finally cave and believe it- because I saw it through him as my mirror.  It was inescapable.  

What I don't know is what now?  What am I meant to be doing as it pertains to my "union?"  I feel confused right now about this journey specifically related to James.  I'll admit that it's easier to not focus on him much these days.  It hurts less.  It's "easier" to just live and be happy and not... feel that tugging at my heart.  The "what if?"  And, OH MY GOD, knowing that we talked about getting married, having a baby, being a family together, and I still want that so much with him- it hurts, deeply.  It hurts to want something so badly, something you feel you were meant for, something you... un-manifested.  It hurts.  So much. 

I still miss him.  I have not forgotten how good he was to me.  It would be easy to forget, really.  It would be easy to let it fade away now.  Put it in a box and pack it away, out of sight.  To take what I have learned from all of this and "move on."  Be very aware of my energy and focus, do my affirmations to create a wonderful life and keep my blessings fully in mind while disregarding anything I don't want more of in my life while also no longer thinking of my twin.  It would be easy to simply enjoy the love I have in my life, have fun, be as happy as I can be, and not THINK anymore about "union" with my twin soul.  I will always be a twin soul.  I will always have "twin soul" energy and the strong twin soul ability to manifest fast and hard.  And I will always speak highly of James and hold him dear to my heart- but... I, this is so hard to explain, I don't want to GIVE UP ON US.  I don't want to stop thinking.  I just don't want to.

I feel like if I put a smile on my face and enjoy the blessings in my life while "letting go" of James or the desire to have my dreams with him come true one day then I am giving up, and it hurts to consider it.  The man in my life right now, I do love him and care about him but he is not James!  I feel I'm with this man for a reason, and I can't even reconcile in my mind how things would work out in the end- all I know is I love this new man and want to help him through his grief and pain.  I care for him so much.  But I also love James, that love where if I heard from him it would make my heart sing.  It is different.  James is still "the one" I want as my future, my dream come true. 

I can't help that, and I don't want to give up on my dreams.  So I don't know what to do.  I remember how sweet and wonderful it was to be his girlfriend.  How easy it was to talk with him and laugh with him.  He was kind to me and kind to my child.  He was so patient with me.  Loving!  Gentle.  Inspiriting.  Exciting.  We kissed for hours and hours, and seriously that was so special to me.  I've never had another relationship like that where a grown ass man, a hot sexy passionate man, was content to sit with me in his arms making out like teen agers for hours and hours night after night, and he looked forward to it.  He was happy to be that close to me, happy to be in my presence and he didn't need more from me.  He loved me that much.  He was so patient and sweet, and it still hurts so much to know I had that GIFT of a man in my life, and instead of being thankful every day I worried it (quite literally) until it disappeared from my life.

I mourn James.  I am blessed to have love and light and friendship and huge gifts in my life right now.  I really am blessed.  I know this and I am so thankful... but my God I miss my James still, and I can't help that.  I just wish I could have him in front of me like I did when we met, open and honest and sweet and personable and funny and kind so we could talk, openly with no judgment, only caring and unconditional love.

I miss my friend.  I ache for my friend.  My heart still aches. 

I am well-matched with the sweet man who is in my life right now.  He grieves his wife, aches for her daily, and despite loving me and having me as a light and joy in his life he still is sad because he misses his wife.  It's similar for me.  Not the same I know, believe me I know.  But I miss James and I think of him and miss him so much.  My heart aches too.  Love takes the edge off, brings me a happiness I didn't know when I was alone.  But that does not take away my loving ache for James, or my sadness because he isn't in my life when I want to know him again so much.

Focusing on love seems safe right now, and I want to keep James' memory close to me still.  I can only hope that I am "doing this right" because for once in my life I am really trying to listen and be respectful to whatever is guiding me.  Daily I remind myself to speak ONLY good of others, not allow myself to get sucked into drama or bullshit, do my affirmations, journal still, and be loving in my thoughts and actions.  I really don't know what else to do or how to live.

I feel sad today though.  I really miss my friend.

Jennifer