Just Breathe

Life is interesting.  Ten years ago when I applied for this job and was hired I would never have imagined I'd be the director of my department- and here I am.  And to think some years ago I had such doubts and fears and I went through such a long intense dark night of the soul all while trying to keep my head above water here at work.

Life works in mysterious ways.  I did falter.  I had to take some "Family Medical Leave Act" time off from my job after this twin soul thing started, after separation happened.  I thought I was going to die from the pain, and it was not pretty.  I don't even like to think back to that time because it hurt so badly.  I barely managed to keep it together at work and now I honestly feel only because I am divinely guided and watched over did I manage to get through all of it. 

These last five years have changed me dramatically.  I have learned so much about myself since meeting James and going through the twin soul experience of being mirrored by another human being, a human being I love with all of my heart.  I grew stronger and learned I was supposed to think highly of myself instead of always doubting myself.  I learned I am not a victim.  I was shown that I must let go of any animosity concerning my past and the people in it and instead focus on love, loving experiences, and forgiving people.  Including myself.  I was shown to not let people push me around or allow them to make me feel badly about myself.  I learned how to stand up for myself but in a diplomatic way and not with a shitty attitude or bitterness. 

Some of what I learned doesn't always feel good nor is it easy to apply to human life, not always.  Sometimes I still don't fully understand.  I don't have contact with James at all.  I wish I did!  I wish I knew him.  I wish I knew James again and he could be the friendly sweet funny kind intelligent aware man I met.  I ache to know that man again. 

For anyone new who finds my blog I hope you understand one thing, and I need to write a post that is all about this one idea- no I am not with my twin at this time.  Yes I am with someone else, a different loving caring man.  I did not plan for that to happen.  I did not "ask" for it in the sense of feeling like I wanted to meet someone else.  I honestly wanted James, and at the time I met this man I was being very militantly "faithful" to my twin, turning down other men, etc.  Somehow I was lead to this man I know now, David, and I feel good with him.  I feel like it is okay.  I feel like I was shown that it's okay. 

I feel like maybe I could have been with my twin, maybe?  The opportunity was there and I just could not get there.  I know what I focused on that kept us apart.  I know the things I spoke into reality.  I know what I manifested incorrectly that caused us to not be together now.  Even though I tried so hard. 

It is understandable that so many "twin flame" connections are NOT in union!  Nearly every single twin experience I hear about is full of blame, ego, etc.  The women are blaming the men.  They cannot see the mirroring aspect at all.  They cannot see it from a higher perspective.  And as long as the female energy is blaming the male energy, focusing on what they don't want more of, then the female energy (typically the female twin) will continue to repel the male energy (typically the male twin) and everyone will stay apart.

I tried.  I really did.  I don't want people to think from reading my blog that I "gave up" or now feel that twins are not meant to be together or can't be together.  I do NOT think that.  I think you can be together IF you can clear yourself enough to get there.  I remember getting the message that... I still needed to release "unnatural energies."  And James was helping me with that by being my mirror, showing me those unnatural energies.  He did a good job in that regard, and I am thinking it probably did not feel good for him.  It was not a happy experience and I know it could not have felt good for him.  My heart goes out to him for that reason.  I feel sad that we don't know each other anymore or that we have not talked together.  I am not perfect either.  Sometimes I get so frustrated over the experience that I start to get angry or feel like it is all a "big game."  But it was far from a game.  Even thinking that really shits all over the diving process and is a huge slap in the face to my twin.  I am sure leaving me after he met me and fell hard in love with me did not feel like "one big game."  So I try to keep that in mind.  Try to stay out of ego. 

I try to instead count the blessings I do have right now in my life.  I was just offered this huge career change which brings to me also a large increase in my salary.  I have been exceedingly blessed in my career here.  Things just fell into place as if "someone" helped make it happen for me.  Seriously.  I am thankful for that.  I am grateful for this man David who is in my life right now.  He is a huge gift.  He adores the shit out of me!  It's crazy.  He's wonderful and I appreciate him through and through.  He brings joy to my life where before I only felt such sorrow over missing James. 

Keep in mind something- I still feel sorrow over missing James.  My heart still aches.  The difference is my heart does not ONLY ache.  Where before I ONLY felt sorrow now I have both emotions- I love both of them but I still miss James and that can still make my heart ache.  But at the same time I love Dave he loves me too and loving someone wonderful who is in your life really is a great feelings and he brings me joy- so a myriad of emotions exist inside of me at the same time. 

But there is one emotions I will not allow to exist inside of me and that is guilt or shame for loving someone else.  God knows I love James.  God knows how hard I tried.  God knows how deeply I ached, longed, hurt and suffered over pining for him.  Having someone else wonderful in my life, not being alone all the time, sharing my life with a man who is loving and kind, as loving and kind as I am (and as loving and kind as James was to me) takes the edge off my heartache.  And I am thankful because I was hurting so badly. 

Dave really loves me.  He's already mentioned marriage and would get me a ring but I'm not nearly ready.  I need to be able to just take things day by day and enjoy life.  Not long ago we were talking after sharing a most wonderful day together (we've been together pretty much every single day since we met at some point or another but we both work so we only have one day we can actually spend the whole day together and it's lovely) and he mentioned marrying me.  He said, "We are so perfect together- marry me."  He said I am wonderful.  I helped him while he was so totally sick after the holidays.  I cook for him almost every night.  We do kind things for each other.  We get along perfectly.  I know this too.  But I told him I'm not ready.  I told him that I am having a hard time because I had no closure with James so it feels like it's still lingering out there and the situation was so unreal.  Our love for each other was very real but the separation was never "real."  It was eerie and odd and "mirroring."  But it never felt like TRUTH.  The separation always felt like my fears and "unnatural energies" being mirrored back to me- and none of that is truth.  So I feel like... our love never ended despite this time apart, despite how long its been since we talked.  I didn't tell Dave ALL of that but part of it.  I had not mentioned James for a while, a couple months now.  No reason to keep putting him in Dave's face.  Dave, well... he said something about James that in the beginning I told him was not truth and I didn't want to hear him say it.  I told him that in feeling the way he does about my situation it shows me that he doesn't believe me at all, doesn't believe what I feel the truth is about my experience, and that only a few of my close dear friends understand and believe me- but he does not, and that's hard.  I also told him that I believe somehow James "feels" or knows when someone near me thinks badly of him and I don't want that for James.  He doesn't deserve it, whether or not Dave believes me.  I said I confided in Dave to explain to him what my life is like and how I feel before agreeing to share love with him because I needed to be honest and he accepted that months ago, and I did not appreciate him saying this now.  I told him there is a very good reason why I defend James even though he's not here, even though we separated and I expected him to be at least objective about it because I am a strong smart woman and I know my truth.

And I meant all that.  I was upset.  Not angry just upset.  He apologized and said he won't think badly anymore.  I still miss James so it was a difficult moment for me.  I am not ready to be engaged to anyone else even though I do love Dave, and who knows what the future holds.  One day I could be ready but I am not now.  I am still only learning how to allow someone to love me fully.  I can't help but still love James.  I can't help that I still would love to see him again and have some kind of peaceful REAL honest kind loving friendly resolution.  My dream of dreams would be to be able to discuss all of this with him for REAL.  Not like... how it is.  We've never been able to talk about twin souls or openly discuss what we've been through together.  I don't mean "hash out" but like... admit to each other "Yes this has been weird and unreal and not normal and it hasn't been nice and I never wanted this to happen because I have always loved you."  I don't know if that will ever happen but I wish it could.  It would be such a relief to have that discussion.  To be able to hug James and know none of this was "normal" or real or truth.  Except for our love for each other.

I admitted to Dave that I have a tendency to drink too much.  I felt like an asshole admitting it.  Like I should be stronger.  I am so strong in everything else I do in life.  I have overcome so much yet that is the one fucking thing that is so difficult for me to give up entirely.  To try and keep it... controllable I just try not to drink "too much."  It took a lot for me to tell him though.  He was super kind which doesn't surprise me at all.  It makes me sad because I feel like if James were in my life and I told him, could speak honestly and freely and normally with him, he'd tell me he understands too, be supportive of me.  Caring.  I guess it is still challenging because I KNOW James would treat me the same as Dave does, kind, caring, loving, supportive, etc.  It is bittersweet and it makes my heart hurt.  Maybe not everyone can understand loving two people at the same time.  But I do.  One I love here in the physical and the other I love in my heart and memories.

So, not surprisingly but still odd- the night Dave and I had this talk about James my "messenger" friend sent me a song via text.  Out of the blue but divinely timed like always.  I have not heard from this friend in months and all he sent was a song.  That's all.  "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam. 

The last song he sent to me was a few months ago.  "Wildflowers" and the song... it's so strange.  It spoke to me.  And this one does too, even just the title.  Just Breathe.  And I am trying to do so.  I have many blessings in my life and I am thankful for them.  I am really working on being loving and focusing on goodness and only what I'd like to see come into my life.  But what can be challenging is I still miss James.  My love for him hasn't faded away like past people in my life.  I heart still aches for him.  But I feel like I am meant to be loving and kind to and with this man David.  I feel like his love is supposed to be in my life too.  So I am trying to take things day by day and "live in the moment" and enjoy my life while having faith that the future holds only increased goodness, love, blessings and abundance. 

I hope you are all doing well.

xxoo

Jennifer