Clarity

I've seen this movie twice now and I cried both times!  There is just something so touching and sentimental about it!  And this song, "Remember Me."  People we love will never fade away.

I remember when James left, October 2013- when we'd dated and he was leaving.  The last time I saw him before he walked out my door he told me, "It's not goodbye.  It's till we see each other again."  I can't help it; recalling those words makes me cry.  After all that has happened those words make my heart ache.

"Don't cry because it ended.  Smile because it happened/"   <----- I sure wish I could get to this place.  I am having a hard time, privately.  I try to keep it myself.  I am trying to be "spiritually mature" and just mature in general.  I have this wonderful man in my life, David.  He is so so sweet.  He adores me and is kind, gentle, loving, peaceful, funny, etc.  He's just an all-around wonderful person with the biggest most generous heart.  He told me he feels we are here on earth to be loving helpful people and he feels he's "love embodied."  And he's right- he's very loving and kind.  To everyone.  He's a dear to my son too.  He loves PJ.  We spend a lot of time with Dave and we feel like our own unique kind of "family" now.

Don't cry because it ended.  Smile because it happened.  I feel that is easier for Dave to do because his wife is actually gone.  She passed away.  He kind of HAS to let go and learn to live again.  For me it is harder, and he acknowledges that.  James is still out there and we had no real "ending."  That's one reason why it is SO SO HARD for me to just "let go and move on."

I need resolution.  Reconciliation.  Something.  Limbo is killing me.  I try.  Oh how I try to be 100% fully happy and content with what I have now and to "let go" of wanting to hear from James again.  I wish I could let go of that desire.  It would ease my heart.  I would have more inner peace.  

So imagine how torn I am.  I love Dave.  He's been so good to me!  I'd never take advantage of his kindness or generosity but seriously- anything I need he'd help me.  I am VERY thankful and I tell God every day how blessed I am to know Dave and have him enter into my life.

See, James was very good to me too even though I only knew him for a short time.  In those weeks though he showed me that he is very similar to David.  James was kind, gentle, patient, loving, funny, friendly and generous to me.  He touched me gently.  He kissed me gently.  He even had a soft gentle way of speaking to me.  Him and Dave are quite similar in their energy.  So just look how BLESSED I am!  I had James, this loving kind soul... and then the next man I actually share love with is similar.  A very good person too.  I went from "amazing" to "also amazing."  Of course I am thankful for that blessing.  I really am.  Please don't read my words and think I don't know how blessed I am.

The challenging part is I still love James.  It is like impossible for me to forget him, not that I should but... it's, it's hard.  I am not at peace with our situation.  I need some type of closure, and I hate using that word closure because it feels like an ending and I am not necessarily asking for an ending but I need reconciliation.  Resolution.  Peace.  I want to speak to James like we did when we first met.  When it was REAL and "normal" and kind.  I want to talk to my friend again.

So.  A week ago PJ and I spend a lovely Sunday with David.  PJ thanked God for Dave as we said thanks at dinner.  PJ gave the sweetest blessing.  He said, "Dear God, Lord and Jesus- thank you for this great man Dave.  He lost his wife and then found us.  He has two dogs.  I love his dogs and I love him."  I was near tears.  How sweet and innocent.  Dave has been such a blessing to our life.  That night I went to sleep feeling more at peace, like hey- if this is going to be my life then I am blessed to go from one good man (James) to another good man (David.)  I was thinking... maybe we don't always get what we want.  Maybe I can WANT to talk to James again but maybe, just maybe, I am not going to have that opportunity and I should "reconcile" myself to accepting what I have now with open arms while realizing that... my journey with James might be... part of my past.  Here for a reason and now done, part of my past that I should love and embrace in my heart forever. 

It kills me to even write that but it's what I was thinking.  That night I dreamed of James very vividly.  I rarely dream of him.  At the end of this dream I ended up sitting on my porch and he walked up to me, greeted me and then sat next to me.  Before he sat he took my face in his hands and kissed me twice, quickly but with great emotion.  In the dream it felt like we had not seen each other in forever, and there was much emotion between us.  It seems as if we were going to "talk."

Of course I woke up thinking... WTF!?  Why?  I woke with him in my heart and mind so closely.  It aches!  So why be reminded so strongly?

About a week later something else happened (that I am choosing not to repeat here) and all I can say is it confuses me and leaves me torn.  Part of me wants to be irritated.  I felt kind of annoyed and that night I had a nightmare about David.  It was a terrible dream.  In it he was actually married, having an affair with me and the woman he was married to found out, was upset, etc.  As I was dreaming I was feeling such anxiety and confusion and hurt and guilt, shame.  This thought of, "But he's not married..." was seeping into my dream.  And then Dave's alarm went off and woke me up.  Oddly he'd had a nightmare too.

So weird, and I don't think a coincidence.  But why?

I am so confused.  I am one who totally feels that I get my dreams from above.  I don't feel my nightmare was just some random dream.  I feel it was "given" to me and to be honest it scared me because when those things happen I feel it's a "warning" or something.  The energy in the dream was SO icky and sad.  I'm still confused. 

Part of me wonders if I had an "icky" dream because my energy and emotions were kind of frustrated and shitty that night.  Not externally but internally and higher self always knows what I'm thinking, feeling, etc.  So was the dream just a reflection of my shitty energy?   My worry is that the dream was telling me to be more thankful for what I have in my life right now and quit "wanting" more.  Like I am being shown to stop wishing for that conversation with James.  Then I start to feel guilty for loving two people, for still wanting to hear from James, like I should be strong and "right" enough to let it go.

Another thing is someone left a comment on my blog that said, "Please take care and keep writing."  I think that person means "Keep writing the blog" but the timing is poignant because I don't do my personal private journaling as much as I used to.  It feels weird sometimes because I still want to affirm my love for James and tell the universe that I KNOW he loves me and is a good person, and I believe we are still meant to meet again.  I WANT to write that!  It is MY HEART to write that!

But then I feel like a total hypocrite!  And now I want to cry!  Part of me wonders if that blog comment was left for me as a reminder to keep doing my writing because I don't as much as I used to.  I feel that internal conflict though.

I don't want to feel guilty.  Even if I reach out to James myself from time to time I don't want to feel shame in doing so.  When I met Dave I was totally honest with him about what I was going through.  There is unfinished business between me and James.  My heart still aches even if I love someone else too.  I can't control that.

Lastly I have this little "poking" thought that tells me no matter what happens or how I feel or the frustration I can feel over having no "closure" and wanting a resolution- I am tasked with staying as LOVING AND KIND in my energy as possible.  Not fall prey to feeling shitty inside.

Welcome to being "more than human."  I live a life where I do not feel I have the luxury of having internal shit fits.  I can't let myself feel angry or overly irritated.  If anything I let myself cry when it aches.  When I miss him.  Missing James out of still loving him is better than getting angry with frustration.  Maybe I don't have exactly what I wanted but I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I DO have.

I don't have what I wanted though.  I can't say that I do, and that's the hard part to admit.  Full honesty.  Dave is great.  He is so far from me "settling."  Dave is a wonderful man.  But he's not James.  I wanted James so much.  I've loved him, and I still do.

I don't know how to let go.  There is still this lump in my throat when I remember James touching my face and kissing me.  I can't turn on my old laptop because the videos of us kissing are on there and I know I'll see them and they will make me fall apart.  I CANNOT watch him touching my face with his lovely hands.  I can't hear his cute adorably goofy giggle.  I can't watch us kissing passionately, so in love.  SO IN LOVE.  It would kill me inside.  One of those videos we were laying in my bed after making love.  He asked to record us kissing.  I am so in love with him as he kisses me.  Helplessly in love.  Fully in love.  Madly. Deeply.

It still hurts.  I am thankful.  I really am.  I deserve to have love in my life right now, and I do and I am very grateful.  But even writing this out- makes my chest hurt.

I feel it's been a necessary experience in learning to let someone love me and treat me well.  It's been about six months that I've known Dave and only now can I accept something like him paying for my sidewalk to be shoveled without feeling uncomfortable like I should be doing it myself, taking care of myself.  I believe it when he looks at me and tells me how lucky he is, that I am so beautiful, that he's super lucky to have me, etc.  I have no doubts.  I believe his heartfelt sentiment.

I just wish I had done the same thing with James when he told me those same things, and I know he meant them.  And he wanted me to believe them- he somehow knew if I did not then things would have to change between us, and I believe in my heart he did not want things to change at all.  He loves me and wanted me in his life.  It hurts so so much to know I could not fully believe him.  I wish I could go back- I wish I could go back and thank God every day for having James in my life.  I wish I would have been able to push any fear and doubt out and just enjoyed James and his love for me.

I wish I would have believed.

My life truly is blessed, and I am thankful.  I am.  But my GOD I still ache.  I miss James so much.  I do wonder if I'll hear from him or see him again.  I can't help but hope so.   My intuition tells me to be very watchful and aware of my energy, thoughts, intentions, etc.  For some reason I feel like I'm being guided to truly be as loving, peaceful, kind, and gentle in my energy as possible.  Warned against backsliding into "hubris."  Count my blessings.  Focus on gratitude.

One question I wish I had the answer to though.  While I am counting my blessings and being grateful, thanking God for all the goodness in my life, is it okay for my heart to still ache?  Does having gratitude mean I am not supposed to feel the loss of this person in my life who I still love so much?  Or can I feel both?  Gratitude and a private personal sorrow at the same time?

I wish I knew this.

I wish I had some clarity.

Jennifer