This Empty Space

Ugh I've been feeling sad. I've said this repeatedly on my blog- I have a good happy blessed life. I'm appreciative of this fact. But nothing seems to erase the ache I feel about James.

David, the man who I share love with, his late wife's birthday is tomorrow. It's her first birthday being gone. Her daughters are sad. And Dave is so very sad. He thanks me for understanding... but on my part it's almost selfish.  Why? Because I know he gets it. He misses her and it hurts no matter of he has me in his life or not. I'm sure he would feel even worse if he was alone without my love in his life BUT my love does not fill the empty place in his heart left from losing his wife. And I'm totally okay with that. I understand.

I understand because knowing David, spending time with him and loving each other does nothing to fill the aching hole in my heart that's there from  James being gone like he is and he's been. I honestly feel like NOTHING can heal that except for his return to my life. Only then will my heart be fully at peace with no achy places.

The only time it doesn't hurt is when I get busy with "real life" and I really don't think of him. Then it doesn't hurt so much. But damn. It's sad. I just don't feel like it's RIGHT. We should know each other! We should talk and be two people who can show each other that we care for one another. When I push my thoughts and love for James to the back burner it feels wrong, like I'm giving up. And I've NEVER ever been one to give up on something important to me.

I have so much love joy peace abundance and blessings in my life! God or whatever is out there knows my heart, knows I'm thankful for my good life. Dave is a dear soul. But I still miss James. I'm almost relieved in a way when I can tell Dave is strongly missing his wife. Or when he shares that he's felt her around him a lot- I'm relieved because I still miss James so much that I cry. Especially when I allow myself to recall him, bring his memory to mind, and I can remember how sweet and kind he was. How very real and good it was between us. The love between us was clean, healthy, real and genuine. It was sweet love.

I ache to feel us hugging again. I imagine it. I think back to the last time I saw him,  the only time I've seen him since we dated. Almost two years ago. But he pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I wish I would have been more still and quiet. I wish I could have been held by him longer. I think back to that sweet and unbelievable evening and I know so strongly that he missed me and was hurting and he wanted to hold me and have me close. I just wish that moment could have lasted longer.  Forever would have been nice.

But forever would have left Dave here possibly alone and suffering at what was the darkest time in his life. I can't imagine that either. I feel like I've helped him,  and he's helped me too. Knowing him helps because... how do I explain it? Even though it's not the same, and I hate to say this but I will, he's not the first one I want: I truly want James with me as the man I share love and life with. But I was aching too. I was hurting and grieving. I had fought so hard. I was trying to be very strong but I think I was weary and my God I was having such a hard time finding my joy while being all alone, no companionship, and dearly missing someone. Similar to Dave. And here we are. And his love and friendship and companionship is a blessing.

But I love James and I still want him. I literally live my life "for today." I enjoy the people, love and good experiences I have each day. But I... I tell Dave that's all I can do. I can love him and treat him well (which I do- I feel it's part of my role in life right at this moment, to make this sweet hurting grieving utterly loving man feel better) but I need to take things day by day. He accepts this. He accepts me. He also knows my heart still aches even if I mainly keep my love for James to myself.

This empty space in my heart. My heart aches. I heard a few songs the other day and I cried so hard. I can imagine James smiling at me, asking how I am and hugging me. Quietly hugging for a while. I do miss everything about him. I miss him embrace, the tender way he'd touch my cheek and tilt my face towards him so he could kiss me. I miss our sweet sweet loving warm long passionate kisses. I miss him and his kisses.

I really wish I could talk with James, see him again. A good long hug. I would like to quietly be held in his arms for a good long time. Only then will this aching empty space in my heart begin to heal.

Because...

I saw a Youtube video today from a movie, some movie I've never seen before.  A romance.  In this particular scene a man has just gotten married.  A woman shows up at the reception (they have history) and she tells him this:

"Because I have realized that..no matter where you are or what are you doing or who you are with I will always honestly, truly, completely, love you."

My heart echoes those words.

I still miss you.
I still want to talk to you again.

I still remember the friendly man I met and spent hours talking with.  I remember our very first conversation very well actually.  You asked me for my phone number and we were texting and then you asked me to call you, and I did.  And when I first heard the sound of your sweetly adorable voice I had butterflies the size of dinosaurs rushing around inside me.  We talked for so long.  You were so intelligent and stimulating to speak with.  I fell in love with you then.
I miss you.  So much.  I miss my friend.  You were my friend and I miss my friend.
There are no hard feelings.  I am so tired.  We... meant a lot to each other and I've never gotten over losing you like I did.  So much has healed inside of me but I'll never fully come to terms with how we separated because it was not normal.  I am a smart strong woman and I know reality.  I know what truth is and I know when two people fall in love as deeply as we did that love doesn't just disappear.  It hurts to be torn away from someone you've fallen in love with, someone you've become so attached to.  Someone who makes your heart soar and your spirit sing!  You did that for me.  Every moment I spent with you was beautiful.  I looked forward to every word I heard from you, every conversation we shared, every kiss we enjoyed together.  I loved being in your arms.  I loved hearing your voice.  I loved seeing you smile.  I loved hearing you knock at my door so I could see you standing there, smiling and adorable.

I fucking miss you so much.

Life is different for both of us I'm sure.  But that doesn't mean I don't think about you or remember you or still love you, and I for sure miss you.  I miss you even more now as a friend than a lover.  You were funny and sweet, and you were so kind and respectful to me.  It breaks my heart.  I can't get over it.  I can't stop loving you.  It hits me when I see a bright clear night sky with lots of stars.  And who can escape the sky?

My life is happy.  Great changes have happened for me.  My son is SO wonderful- the most wonderful little boy ever; I'm so blessed.  I have tons of love in my life.  I love my life, and I am thankful for all that I have.  But I still miss you.  I can't help it!  I wish I could know you again.  No matter how happy life is... I still have this ache in my heart for you.

It should be different between us.  We should be friends.  We should talk.

I hope life is happy for you too.  I want only goodness for you.

But I miss you, dearly.

I wish I could see your sweet smiley beautiful face again.

I wish I could hug you.

I wish I could see you smile at me and hear you say hello.

I wish I could feel you wrap your arms around me and hold me.

I wish I could tell you I love you and I always will, no matter what.

I wish I could look into your bright blue eyes and again know the amazingly loving, kind, respectful and gentle friend I met what feels like yesterday but has been too long.

It doesn't matter to me what my life or your life is like right now, like the quote above- I know I will always love you. You are still the only man I want calling me honey.

Jennifer