David, the man who I share love with, his late wife's birthday is tomorrow. It's her first birthday being gone. Her daughters are sad. And Dave is so very sad. He thanks me for understanding... but on my part it's almost selfish. Why? Because I know he gets it. He misses her and it hurts no matter of he has me in his life or not. I'm sure he would feel even worse if he was alone without my love in his life BUT my love does not fill the empty place in his heart left from losing his wife. And I'm totally okay with that. I understand.
I understand because knowing David, spending time with him and loving each other does nothing to fill the aching hole in my heart that's there from James being gone like he is and he's been. I honestly feel like NOTHING can heal that except for his return to my life. Only then will my heart be fully at peace with no achy places.
The only time it doesn't hurt is when I get busy with "real life" and I really don't think of him. Then it doesn't hurt so much. But damn. It's sad. I just don't feel like it's RIGHT. We should know each other! We should talk and be two people who can show each other that we care for one another. When I push my thoughts and love for James to the back burner it feels wrong, like I'm giving up. And I've NEVER ever been one to give up on something important to me.
I have so much love joy peace abundance and blessings in my life! God or whatever is out there knows my heart, knows I'm thankful for my good life. Dave is a dear soul. But I still miss James. I'm almost relieved in a way when I can tell Dave is strongly missing his wife. Or when he shares that he's felt her around him a lot- I'm relieved because I still miss James so much that I cry. Especially when I allow myself to recall him, bring his memory to mind, and I can remember how sweet and kind he was. How very real and good it was between us. The love between us was clean, healthy, real and genuine. It was sweet love.
I ache to feel us hugging again. I imagine it. I think back to the last time I saw him, the only time I've seen him since we dated. Almost two years ago. But he pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I wish I would have been more still and quiet. I wish I could have been held by him longer. I think back to that sweet and unbelievable evening and I know so strongly that he missed me and was hurting and he wanted to hold me and have me close. I just wish that moment could have lasted longer. Forever would have been nice.
But forever would have left Dave here possibly alone and suffering at what was the darkest time in his life. I can't imagine that either. I feel like I've helped him, and he's helped me too. Knowing him helps because... how do I explain it? Even though it's not the same, and I hate to say this but I will, he's not the first one I want: I truly want James with me as the man I share love and life with. But I was aching too. I was hurting and grieving. I had fought so hard. I was trying to be very strong but I think I was weary and my God I was having such a hard time finding my joy while being all alone, no companionship, and dearly missing someone. Similar to Dave. And here we are. And his love and friendship and companionship is a blessing.
But I love James and I still want him. I literally live my life "for today." I enjoy the people, love and good experiences I have each day. But I... I tell Dave that's all I can do. I can love him and treat him well (which I do- I feel it's part of my role in life right at this moment, to make this sweet hurting grieving utterly loving man feel better) but I need to take things day by day. He accepts this. He accepts me. He also knows my heart still aches even if I mainly keep my love for James to myself.
This empty space in my heart. My heart aches. I heard a few songs the other day and I cried so hard. I can imagine James smiling at me, asking how I am and hugging me. Quietly hugging for a while. I do miss everything about him. I miss him embrace, the tender way he'd touch my cheek and tilt my face towards him so he could kiss me. I miss our sweet sweet loving warm long passionate kisses. I miss him and his kisses.
I really wish I could talk with James, see him again. A good long hug. I would like to quietly be held in his arms for a good long time. Only then will this aching empty space in my heart begin to heal.
No comments:
Post a Comment