Now

I still love James.  Still think of him every day.  I still cry over him.  I'd like to say that I smile about him too but not often because I miss him too much to feel much joy over thinking about him.

This is frustrating.  I work to consciously live a positive life and affirm the goodness in my life.  I honestly do.  I firmly believe that my energy creates my reality and I try to be careful, to focus on joy and thankfulness.  I am thankful for all the love, blessings, peace, joy and abundance in my life.  I have a really good life!  I do.  I am aware of this and I am thankful for it.

But then why do I still miss this man so much?  Why does my heart still ache?  OH MY GOD it feels so frustrating to yearn to connect with him again as a HUMAN BEING.  I want my friend back in my life.  I want to know James again.

I'm in a relationship with someone else.  It's... I care about this man.  I love him a lot.  He means so much to me.  He is a good man, and he loves me a lot.  He's done a lot to teach me how to accept being loved.  He's made me more comfortable with allowing someone to love me and treat me well, and I feel like we are meant to be together.  Right now.  I take it day by day.  I am thankful to have him in my life, to know him, to be loved by him.  I am thankful to be in his life- yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the death of his wife and he's hurting badly, grieving, and I try to be a dose of extra love and joy in his life, comfort.  Yes we can love one person and grieve another.  We can love one person and still love another person too.  I do that every day.  I love David.  I care about him.  But I also still love James, a lot.  And honestly it hurts.  Just like Dave hurts over missing his wife yet he still loves her, and I am sure if he could have her back in his life he would.  He would.

It really is not much different for me.  His wife left a hole in his heart that I cannot fill, and that's okay.  But I have a hole too, and he can't fill it.  No one but James can, and I just wish I could know him again.  I wish I knew him.  I want to talk to him, like normal.  Honest.  Truthful.  Open.  Transparent,  EASY.  Real.

Dave knows how I feel.  We've talked about it.  He knows when I am hurting more than usual.  He knows I get signs still, and that I have dreams about James.  He knows I still love him and I hurt and I miss him and I want to talk to him again.  Dave has told me he hopes I get that opportunity.  I know the idea is uncomfortable for him because he loves me a lot and I know he probably hopes I will be with him forever.  But I can't think about "forever."  I just can't.  I did not promise forever to Dave, never have.  I am so so so good to him each day that we are together like this, in a committed love relationship, and I really hope I can be good to him for a long time, as long as I know him.  But I can't give him a promise of "I will be with you forever."

Not long ago he mentioned having a baby, us having a baby.  I suppose with modern medicine it COULD happen, and he'd make an excellent father- BUT IT IS NOT MY DREAM.  I dreamed of having another baby with James.  So finally I had to speak my truth and I told David that.  I told him that I did not mean to hurt him in any way but James and I had talked about having a baby together.  And that is what I had my heart set on, and it was not a dream I could just easily transfer to another person.  I told him there is only one person I wanted to have another baby with and that is James, and if not with James then I did not see myself having another child.  I did not say this to be mean or hurtful but I HAD to say it.  I HURT.  I miss James so very much.  I still love him so much.  I remember him.  I swear I get signs still.  I don't know if I get the signs when I think of him or if I get the signs to think of him or what.  All I know is I ache, deeply.  I ache.  I miss him.  And it hurts.  Yes life can be good, happy, abundant, full of love and goodness- and it is!  But I still have this sadness right alongside my happiness and it comes from missing James.  I can't seem to stop the sadness.  I enjoy being with David.  And he is BY FAR the only man I could ever be with because I can be fully honest with him and he accepts me still.  It is freeing and a huge relief to be able to be honest with Dave about James- if I could not then I'd feel like I was hiding something or dishonest and it would not be good for me or the relationship or the other person!  Dave understands I can only do this day by day.  He understands my heart aches and I miss James.  He respects my love for him.  Just like I respect that he grieves deeply.

This is why I feel like we were meant to meet somehow.  That's it's right for however long it's meant to be for, and I will always treat him well and with love.  I am meant to be that in his life.  He's a very loving kind man and he is hurting.  I am really a very loving gentle person, and well, maybe love is healing, right?  For both of us.

But I still miss James.  I remember him.  Certain things remind me.  80s music.  Geology.  Golf.  James told me he would teach me how to golf.  He loves golfing.  Dave loves golf too and he has asked me to go golfing with him, and eventually I'm going to have to go- but it aches because it reminds me of James, and how I was supposed to go with him.  Being at the park by my house reminds me of our first date.  My memories are bittersweet.

I have these little items that James gave me, or things that reminds me of him, in my room on a shelf.  I was worried Dave would see them, and he has.  He noticed.  Pop Rocks.  A little "gem" grown from one of those "grow your own gem" kits for kids- James gave PJ one and we grew a gem from it, and it sits on my shelf.  Silly?  Maybe.  But I can't bear to pack it up and put it away.  So I was up front and told Dave that yes they remind me of James and I can't pack them away.  Again he said he understands and would not expect me to- what a blessings, right?  He's very understanding, and it is a blessing.  I try to be as understanding with him.  I do love him and it is not always 100% easy to sometimes feel like I am... not her.  He was and still is very much in love with his wife, and he misses her dearly.  I feel for him.  Like I feel bad for him because he misses her and I am not her.  I for one know from experience that when you love a specific person SO SO MUCH there is no way to quiet the pain of missing that person.  The love does not stop just because you meet or love someone new.  The love and ache does not stop just because that person is not in your life.  Love doesn't just disappear when the object of your love is physically gone- that love stays.  If it is a good strong real healthy true unconditional love then it exists, strongly exists, no matter what.  You carry the ache and the love and the missing with you all the time along with the love you may hold for the new person- but those emotions for two different people- they co-exist. 

I've been thinking I should write a refresher post about manifestation.  I firmly believe 100% that once you realize you have a twin soul, whether that person is with you or has separated from you, if you are the person who is... like me, the one writing the blog, the one who aches to hear from the other- then you are a very strong manifestor and you really must start learning how to control your energy and your creations.  You have to start being so so careful with your energy.  Sometimes I feel like having a twin soul/twin flame is to show us we are strong manifestors.  Knowing James did do that for me.  So far he's been the strongest mirror in my life.  It was the most intense connection, and for me it has been the strongest most unwavering love, desire and ache to have another person in my life than anyone else I've ever met.  I've had other soul connections before, loved them too, but I was able to let them go and move on.  I wish them the best but I don't "long" for those people.  I don't think of them.  We don't have "unfinished business."  But with James- I ache.  I miss him, and this (not knowing each other) does not feel right.   We should know each other.  We should be able to talk to each other freely- that would feel normal to me.  I am even going to go out on a limb and say even if we were not in a traditional "relationship" I still feel like we should be able to look each other in the eye and say- the truth is I have always loved you and still do, and no matter what our circumstances are- I love you, think you are wonderful, and care about you as much as I did when I met you.  That to me feels like TRUTH. 

I just feel like I won't ever be totally emotionally at peace inside until I have that truth in my life.  Until I talk with him and he is the James I met and fell in love with- the man I know he is.  That is what would feel right and real.  I feel unsettled about James and it hurts.  I love him and... just because I have Dave in my life does nothing to take away the ache I feel over James.  I can't just take the love I feel for James and shift it to someone else and make it all go away.  Impossible.  The desire to know him, have him in my life again as someone who loves me and cares about me, and me for him, remains now as strongly as it did four years ago, four years plus.

Nothing I can do about it really.  The aching does not feel good but I love him and I can't help it.  Sometimes I do wish it did not hurt so much, or I wish I could just love him without wanting to know him, see him, or talk with him again.  But that strong love, ache, longing and desire is there no matter what.

I hope you are all doing well.  Take care.

Jennifer