https://bloomsandbubbles.blog/2018/06/08/depression-isnt-sadness-and-suicide-isnt-a-cry-for-help-by-steve-safran/
I read the above article and damn, it hit home for me.
There has been too much on my mind lately to post it all here. My life is good. I am happy. Life is happy. I am not "perfect" but I try really hard to keep my mind in a place of goodness at all times, and again I am not perfect. I actually feel kinda bad right now because sometimes I still can feel some odd resentment towards one of my friends, and I need to get past it. My constant goal is to each day work more and more to have only good thoughts, good words spoken, good intentions made, towards everyone. And if there is someone in my life who is not meshing well with me then it is time to let that person go but with love or neutrality, not with anger or pissiness.
I read this article today and while I try not to look backwards at my life it caused me to remember some of my darkest times. I've had to battle through so much pain and darkness, all pretty much internal, and knowing James, the whole mirroring thing, was what, in the end, finally pushed me to the breaking point. It was to a point where I had to choose between consciously changing my focus, avoiding negative thinking, working hard to know what I did NOT want to focus on and then avoiding those things like the plague. Because I know whatever I focus on will come to me- I will get evidence of it in my life, and for a while James was the one who showed me that. It was hard and it hurt so bad that it was to a point where I either was going to die from killing myself or else I was going to believe what was happening and work VERY FUCKING HARD to change it.
Once I made some solid changes the mirroring from James stopped. Immediately. Totally. The sad part to me is all contact stopped. And I still miss him. And I have unanswered questions. Sometimes I wonder was he just here to "heal" me and show me what I needed to change, and when that happened- will I ever see him again? This thought... I can't accept it. I tell God that I need to see James again. We need to hug each other. We have been through a lot together and I just want to hug him for a while. No one can understand it if that person has not been through it. He showed me my demons, my dark thoughts, my irrational anger, my fears, my backwards beliefs about love, about him and about myself so boldly that I could not escape the "wrong thinking" and I was forced to start doing whatever I could to shift it around.
Life is much different now but I have not forgotten those dark moments explained in this article. I typically don't think about it- no reason to go there. Those were bad times where I almost killed myself due to my own bad thoughts and pain, and I missed James so much and it hurt terribly; I was scared, confused, had doubts, couldn't affirm correctly and just kept creating Hell for myself until I just wanted to die because it hurt SO FUCKING BAD. I remember the night I sat at my table alone with an unopened bottle of whisky while screaming at an invisible entity, hitting myself, telling God I wanted to die, to just kill me already, that I could not take the pain anymore. I begged God to take some of my pain. I was SO READY to drink the whiskey. And had I drank the whiskey in the state I was in I would have also taken the bottle of sleeping pills I had there with me. I know I would have. I feel so so bad for that poor woman. The Hell I went through trying to "heal." My guidance spoke clearly to me then, even through my irrational crazed pain. What a miracle, right? It was gentle. It told me to please just go to bed. It begged me- please just go to bed. Don't drink the whiskey. Go to bed. It knew if I drank the whiskey I'd take the pills so it asked me to please go to bed. So I did. Crying, snotty, shaking, angry as a pissed off hornet, sad, aching- I fell asleep instead of drinking the whiskey which would have most likely lead to my son coming home the next day to find me dead. I've been through a lot. I DO feel a lot of compassion for myself and for that reason I love myself and am gentle on me. I am one of the lucky ones. My personal demons did NOT get the best of me (thanks to help from my higher self and my twin soul.) It was Hell though. I can't sugar coat it. I got through it but I dragged my twin along with me, and that still breaks my heart. It aches. We shared this beautiful bright loving happy healthy start to a real good love relationship. We were head over heels in love. Can't wait to see each other. Can't keep our hands off each other. Always kissing. Middle of the night texts and emails. Hours and hours on the phone. Giddy.
And then gone. I've overcome a LOT. But I have still not overcome the fact that he disappeared from my life but the love stayed and there were no real-life answers or resolution. It feels like unfinished business. I understand fully that it was not his intention but instead it was mirroring. I know many other people are going through this, and the world and its people are not what I thought it was before. I don't blame him. I am stronger now. I see more clearly. I don't let myself get angry- not worth it. Anger is a shit energy. I have a level of awareness I never thought I'd achieve. I have full belief in the power of manifestation and energetic attraction. I have to use affirmations, meditating on paper, always overriding any negative thinking with positive affirmations, living from a place of choosing to be kind, focusing on my blessings, etc. in order to keep my life balanced and happy and continuing to create goodness for myself- and it works. And I am thankful for that. I believe something out there did its best to try and help guide me to making the right choices that would bring me love instead of pain, even if I did not often listen. It did try to help me and must love me. Sometimes I do wonder if it is just "me" on some other level, like in "Interstellar." I love myself, and I have compassion for what I've been through. It was a lot of pain, and I am sure it was not great for him either. He is a sweet kind man. In the end he did a lot for me, exactly how my guidance told me he would. For that reason (even if he doesn't know or understand it like I do and he very well might not and that's okay) I will always love him and wish him well. The hard part is I still love him from a place of "I sure wish I could see his smiling face again, like it was when we met." I wish we could talk and hug. I wish I could see him smile at me again. I wish I could hear his kind loving gentle voice say hello and ask me, genuinely, how I've been. I wish we could talk totally openly like friends, laughing and comfortable. He is still so important to me and to love someone so much but have no contact with him is not easy. It aches.
I wish him well though. I hope he is happy and life is treating him well. I hope he has lots of love in his life like I do. I have a good blessed life with good kind people who love me a lot, who treat me well. I hope he does too. But I miss him still. And I hope that one day we can hug each other for a long long time.
XXOO- I hope anyone who reads this is doing well.
Jennifer
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