Good Powerful

Damn I wish I could go back to five years ago knowing what I know now about the power of thought, emotions and manifestation.  I would have brought James into my life and kept him there.  But five years ago I had no idea.  I just prayed very heavily for what I wanted and then he came to me.  So I attracted and allowed to me what I asked for.  He must have been asking for something similar (he told me the had "hoped and wished" for a woman like me and then I came to him.)  Sad part is since I had deep-seated fears concerning "not being worthy enough for a good man to want to keep me forever" I ended up sending him out to my life.  I know I created that.  Now if James were to read this all he'd probably remember is making the choice to move away, and then going quiet, and then some coming and going and and and.  I don't think he'd realize that the opportunity for him to go away partially came about because I worried about him going away.  I think mainly the opportunity happened because I accidentally created it.  *sigh*  Sucks, right?

It still hurts.  I don't like to focus on what I did, and I no longer get mad at myself because I did not know.  I see how some force, a force I call "my higher self," tried to show me the RIGHT way, the way of joy and happiness and true love, but I was too scared to grasp what I was being told.  I give my higher self a lot of credit for trying so hard.  When I reflect back on it all- I want to weep.

Regret is a difficult emotion.  I regret what I did because a dear man I fell very hard in love with disappeared from my life and the loss has left a hole in my heart that no one else can ever fill, not totally.  I explained this to the man who is in my life right now.  A while back we discussed this and I told him- it just hurts because no one and nothing else can ever fill this space that is left from James being gone.  He said he understands, and I know he does.  He is not a "replacement."  He is instead a different love in my life.  A good love, but quite frankly it is not the same, and it still aches, deeply.

I want anyone who reads my blog to understand that I don't write that often because, well, it still hurts.  I am not sure what to say.  James is still on my mind daily.  I still miss him.  I still ache to see him.  I still dislike what happened between us and despite it teaching me (finally) that manifestation is 110% REAL (and that I'd better respect it and live my life by its rules) I can't help but long for what I lost.  I appreciate what I've learned but I still grieve him.  I mourn losing him.  I don't know if that will ever go away.

I've said before on here, I love two men.  One is sweet, kind, loyal, easy, adores me entirely and is physically here in my life.  I suppose he is my mirror too.  I am a good loveable person and he shows that to me.  But I also still love James.  And David is not James.  I can't really help that there are times I miss James' particularities so much that I cry.  It was different.

So please don't read my blog and think I somehow "got over it" or "left it behind."  I have not.  I don't know how.  Knowing James, and all the stuff that happened for like three and a half years, made too much of an impact on my life for me to "get over it."  I did not "let go" when I allowed another love into my life. 

Quite honestly I just let myself be loved by a good man, but still a good man who is not the man I wanted most.  That is honesty.

I tried hard.  I feel I tried to the best of my ability to use my energy and love and anything I thought was right to "magically" be with James again.  It wore me down and the lack of him in my life made me really sad, and sometimes the sad feeling, the hurt, made me mad.  The addition of David in my life makes living far more enjoyable again.  Even though he is not James.  That's the brutal truth.  I don't think I could continue to survive alone while longing and aching and hurting over someone who was not here.  I needed that love in my life.  I care about David.  I love him.  At the same time it is not the same.  I don't need to tell Dave this- he already knows without it being expressed in words.  Just like I know I am no replacement for his dear late wife yet there is no reason for him to say it out loud.  I suppose in the end "love heals" pain.  Dave's love has helped heal some of my pain but it has not lessened the love and longing I have for James.

That leads me to sharing that I still hope to see James again.  I will admit that I sometimes get torn over this.  But Dave has told me he supports me seeing James and talking to him.  He knows I love James and I need SOMETHING.  We don't discuss it in depth.  David knows, clearly, that I have (and he does too) some kind of "manifestation" power, and he does not take it lightly.  He watches me attempt to live my life from a place of being kind in my heart and mind, even about those who "push my buttons."  I am not perfect but when I go off track I try to get myself back on quickly.  I do this because I CLEARLY KNOW what the power of my negative thinking can do to my life.  I know amazing effects amazing positive kind loving thinking can have on my life- so I try hard to maintain that kind energy.  Like right now I am dealing with an on-going issue with one of my employees.  This person used to be my equal and she threw me under the bus repeatedly.  When our old director retired and I was blessed with a new fresh start this person, the employee in question, went to the new boss and aired all my past "stuff" to her although I was working very hard (and praying for, affirming and journaling) towards creating a good new positive start for myself at work.  In the end her steps backfired on her because it made her look bad.  And since that time I am now the new director, and I am her direct supervisor.  I have to be very VERY conscious of my intentions with her because her work performance is simply not "up to par."  I have been praying, affirming, that I wish the best for her but I also need her to either perform or find a job she enjoys better than this one.  What I try to be very aware of, though, are my EMOTIONS and INTENTIONS concerning her.  I've had to give her constructive criticism and now will most likely need to take it further, formally documenting negative performance.  But I tell God that I forgive her for our past and all I want is for her to perform well and with respect.  That is all.  And if she cannot do that (she does not like her job much) then hopefully something she likes better, that maybe even pays more and is closer to her home, will come available to her.  I watch my intentions closely so I don't slip into anything dark.  I cannot help it that "real life" steps have to be taken that might not feel good to her but I try to do them with the best of intentions.  I hope to give her the push necessary to taker her job (career really) more seriously or find something different that would fulfill her life more.  Unfortunately there are not many jobs out there that pay people to sit on the beach, ha, but if there is one I hope she finds it.

I explain this because intention is very important.  Emotions are super important.  If I were to be kind to her face but black in my energy towards her, or hating on her in my conversations about her, etc., then it is not only unfair and hurtful but also it would create bad shit for my own life, and I am not willing to do that.  So I try my best.  But David knows this and sees me try.  It is not always easy trying to live from a place of goodness always.  Let me tell you.  I flipped someone a hard bird the other day, and I yelled at a woman in the store who was shaking her head at me because I was reprimanding my child for asking me for something for the 27th time.  I told her to come shake her head at me in my face, and that I am not raising an asshole child so I WILL correct him if I want to, even in public (and all I was doing was telling him to PLEASE STOP while I was trying to focus on the task at hand, that task being buying us a freaking pool!)  I'm not Mommy Dearest but I do correct him when I need to, and apparently society does not like this and thinks we should simply coddle our children and let them speak out of turn and give them every single thing they ask for even when they've been told "Do not touch ONE MORE THING while we are shopping today!"

On that note though, I never say bad shit to my kid.  Well, I do tell him "You are making me nuts right now!  Please be quiet just for a bit!" because (like me) he is an incessant talker but he also makes noises, unconsciously.  Normally I am okay with it and realize it is just who he is, and OMG he is a super dear loving kind fun amazing brilliant creative social friendly funny endearing adorable little man!  He is SO super friendly, kind and wonderful!  But he's also special.  He discusses stuff a lot.  He "imagines" and then shares all the stuff he's working out in his brain.  The stuff he wants to build, the train depot he wants to own when he's older, on and on.  Once in a while though I can't focus when he's talking and... anyway this weekend I yelled at a lady who was standing in line and told her to "mind her business" because I'm going to parent how I choose to.  Yet I parent well.  I do have to reroute his loveable behavior at times but my son knows I mean well.  He tells me all the time that I am the best mom in the world, and he knows I do not say "mean" things to him.  I can get a little frustrated sometimes, lol, but I just say stuff like "Come on man move faster, let's go!" and I don't use words like stupid, etc.  Or bad boy.  I never call him a bad boy, ever.  Words hold power.

But again, I am not perfect.  I just try to brush myself off and move on quickly.  And keep good intentions.  That is why I journal my affirmations often to keep my thoughts straight.

So, this Neville Goddard.  If you are interested in knowing about manifestation and what to do in order to attain a happy blessed future then read about him.  One thing I want to stress is this- YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WHAT WE HAVE DEEMED AS PERFECTLY IN ORDER TO BE BLESSED.  You can eat a cheeseburger or cake.  You can relax all day.  You can take a mental health day and indulge in a massage.  You can have a beer.  If it does not actually harm you (think hard drugs or unprotected sex with someone that is going to leave you feeling less than good about yourself tomorrow) then do it.  Do what makes you happy.  It is the feeling of joy from the act that brings about goodness- and be thankful for the thing bringing you joy, even if it is a delicious slice of Chicago pizza.  If going to church brings you happiness then go for it!  But if you go to church out of obligation or guilt, and if you dread it and hate going- then do NOT do it.  Understand?  Same with working out.  If you work out and hate every single minute of it then either find a way to enjoy it or find a different way to get your exercise, maybe swimming or biking. 

Neville Goddard in the image above said don't worry about how it comes to you.  Just know what you want, and feel that thing.  Know the dream you have.  And don't worry about how it will come to you because a power bigger than the "human you" will make it happen.  So this is how I think about wanting to see James again and having a good talk with him, or even wanting to have him in my life again.  I cannot worry about how that would all work out.  If I do I will get scared or fret.  Instead I am trying to just allow myself to feel how good it would be to see his bright smiling face again and have him hug me with love and care.  To hear his gentle voice and see his blue eyes and hear him speak kind loving words to me again, like he once did- that would feel SO right, so good and so amazing after all this time, knowing the kind loving dear man I met.  I tell myself even if it is the only thing I can do, recalling his goodness, affirming who I know he truly is, even after all this time, and holding onto the hope of seeing him, knowing how wonderful it would be- maybe one day my heart's desire will be shown to me again, how I remember him from when we met on my 40th birthday under the blue moon.

xxoo

Jennifer