Birthdays

Yesterday was my 45th birthday.  Today is James' 45th birthday.

Yesterday morning was the first time in 4 years I did not absolutely dread my birthday.  I did not feel like I wanted to die from the pain of knowing I met James on my 40th birthday, and that one, two, three and four years earlier I'd walked through my neighborhood holding hands with James feeling like I was walking on air, like it was one of the most magical and best nights of my life but now we are in silence and have not seen or spoken to each other in, well, years now.

Yesterday was the first time in over four years I woke up not thinking about James.  I forgot the whole "I met him five years ago" part.  I just had a nice morning waking up with my sweet boyfriend who told me happy birthday along with my darling son, my blessings.  So what kind of irked me was when I got in the car to drive to work a song played, "Hold On," that brought it all back.

Like WTF?!  I was NOT thinking of James right then.  I did not "manifest" that song being played, a song that totally reminds me.  It immediately thrust me to nearly five years ago when the distance and quiet began.  Back when I was told the song was for us, and it played ALL THE TIME.  It made me sad.  I cried.  And I thought strongly about him and his birthday today.  I was thinking how it would be nice to actually be able to talk to the man and tell him happy birthday.  I was thinking that I really did miss him.  How weird it is to know we were totally thick in the start of falling in love with each other, could not keep our hands off each other, making love, talking, emailing and texting constantly, talking about marriage and a child, dreaming together, and then *poof* gone.  Unbelievable, not normal, not "real."  And forever I will not be able to accept that.  Because at the very least I want to be able to talk to him like normal, for real, two good loving kind people speaking truth to each other.

I should be able to text him and get a reply.  Anyone else in my life I can reach out to and get a response.  As a matter of fact, get a happy response because pretty much everyone in my life is happy to hear from me.  I DID wish him happy birthday.  I did.  I gave up having expectations a long time ago but my poor resilient heart still reaches out from time to time no matter the outcome.  I hope James does have a happy good birthday.  I did.  I had a lovely birthday weekend.  Got together with my friends and they sang me happy birthday.  My boyfriend (who I speak freely to about James) gave me the most beautiful ring- he's such a gift in my life, this man who understands me and accepts me just as I am (flaws, eccentric ways and all.)  My sister's baby shower was this weekend and it was totally fun.  And last night my son and I went out for dinner together, then he read me a chapter from his school book while I worked inside my "new" vintage camper that I am remodeling, both of us working by the light of some lanterns because I could not use an extension cord to plug in because it was raining outside.  Warm, cozy and charming and then I snuggled my son to sleep.  He still loves his mom "cuddle time" and I'll cuddle him every night as long as he still wants me to.

It was a great birthday.  And I hope the same for James.  Wherever he is I hope he is celebrating with friends and family who loves him.  I hope he has a happy birthday.

But I still don't understand why I had to be reminded of him yesterday morning when I was just fine enjoying my calming drive to work.  I don't always like to be reminded.  There are times I want to just sit with my peace of mind and my current joy and NOT be reminded of the thing I don't have that I still love and miss!  For the love of God!  I never wish anything but goodness for James!  I hope he is happy!  I hope life is treating him well!  If he has a significant other in his life I hope she is genuine and kind.

I get so torn over signs like the one I got yesterday.  I can understand getting signs when I am focused on him (manifestation.)  But I don't understand it when I am simply living "in the moment" and enjoying my current life.  Why remind me?  Why do they happen?  The song "Hold On" for me- well it's a hard song.  Because in the past when I feel I was "actively" still "in this" meaning I'd still hear from him, we'd connect once in a while, etc., not long after the silence started I'd hear this song and in my heart I knew it meant "hold on to the real me, don't let my honest memory go, know I am only being your mirror and I'm really the sweet nice dear kind loving boyfriend you met, dated and fell in love with, hold on to the truth that I do love you, and please don't ever let me go."  When I heard it yesterday I got sad because I felt like- did I let him go?  Did I fail?  All I can tell you is when I do think of James I try to only remember what it felt like when we met and dated.  I try to never go beyond that.  I try to focus only on what I know is truth.  Yes I am in a relationship with someone else.  I did not "wait" in that regard but oh well.  Being alone wasn't working out for me any longer.  We all deserve good companions in life even when we are not able to "make it happen" with our twins.  I hold nothing but goodness and love and light in my heart for James.  But I feel that concerning James specifically I must have still had blocks or emotional garbage there, enough that he could not come back to me.  But I did not have that about love itself.  I was clear enough, well enough inside, to allow another good man to come to me, and I appreciate the opportunity to have love in my life even if it is not with my twin soul.  That does not mean I don't love James, and humans are not replaceable.  I love my boyfriend but I love James too.  My boyfriend did not replace James.  Not at all.  That space still exists in my heart and nothing else can fill it.  And, again, when I think of James I really really focus hard on remembering the kind loving generous endearing gentle friendly sweetheart of a man I gave my heart to five years ago.  

And sometimes I don't want to focus on it at all.  I wonder why then the universe keeps reminding me.  What is the point to the reminders?  I feel like there must be a purpose so what it is?

As I was thinking of his birthday yesterday a song played on Sirius XM radio- "Happy Birthday" by a up and coming country singer, Kelleigh Bannen

"Hey, it's me,
I know it's kinda late
But I had to call ya
Just to say hello, catch up
You know I was thinking of ya
Another year older
Another year wiser
Bet you're out the guys
Low key drinking Budweiser
I learned a little too late
You know what they say
I can't have my cake and love you too
Anyway Happy birthday
Happy birthday"

I've never heard this song before.  I was thinking hard so I am not surprised it played.  I was thinking of how nice it would be to tell him happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Along with that I have said this before and I'll say it again- I still ache no matter what.  It's why I sometimes don't want to think about it at all.  I want to escape my pain.  I drink, still.  And it sucks, bad.  I want to stop.  I hate it.  And for anyone who does NOT battle with a "drinking problem" or who does not have a family history of addiction- don't ask "Well then why don't you stop?"  Because I WANT to.  Every day I tell myself "Not going to drink" and more often than not come evening I decide to have a shot.  Or two.  Or five.  Because I have NO off switch.  I can go without drinking.  I can even go out for dinner and have A drink and be okay.  But it's at home with free easy access to an entire bottle- that is when it's bad.  I don't stop.  Until I've had too much, and lately I've had too much.  Enough to where two or three days later my ears still ache.  And I feel cruddy.

And yes it scares me.  I have a wonderful life but drinking has been the hardest thing for me to shake. I've honestly been pretty successful with controlling my thinking, my emotions, the "dark thoughts," and the anger.  I can affirm the shit out of my life and create so much goodness for myself!  I KNOW this, and I do it.  My drinking... I fear it is purely a very strong habit, an addiction.  I don't really get angry anymore when I drink.  I just like the initial buzz that takes the edge off my ache, that lifts my mood past any feeling of "I miss him."  That very first drink lifts me up and that's the bad part because I can't stop there, not when I have alcohol around.

So I am at this shitty place where I have to address with my boyfriend the intensity of my problem.  He loves me a lot and will understand but it is embarrassing AF.  I hide it well.  Actually my body basically just makes me go to bed.  And it's been bad.  James knows- I've drunk text him before, drunk emails.  Never mean.  Nope.  Just... sad.  I text when I'm drunk and missing him so deeply that I want to scream and I tell him the truth, that I miss him and wish I could talk with him and the quiet is still deafening and torturous and I HATE IT because I know he truly loves me, somehow, and loved me dearly and that love never ended.  WE never ended.  We had NO CLOSURE.  Nothing.  No ending.  And I want TRUTH.  TRUTH.  Just truth.  I'd be happy with TRUTH.  Why can't I just hear the fucking truth?  Why can't two people who were madly in love with each other sit down, hug each other, and TALK like two normal kind human beings?  WHY???!!!

Lovely, no?  James knows I drink too much.  No I don't feel like it's why we don't talk.  I know in my heart that no matter what the circumstances are right now, somewhere out there the truth is James loves me unconditionally and he'd understand my problem.  He'd accept it and not judge me.  He'd respect that I know it is a problem, and if we were together he would help me stay sober, or help me stay away from hard liquor- which is my issue.

I'm going to write a song called "The Hard Stuff."  Liquor and heartache- both are "the hard stuff" and we use one to try and erase the other but it never works.  Just like the song I posted from Jason Aldean, his memory drowns the whiskey- the whiskey never really takes away the ache, the bittersweet memories.  The longing to just hold a beloved person in your arms and say "I've missed you."  And I have.  I've fucking missed him.  And while I am not blaming my drinking (on anything but my own issues) on missing James- man, when I ache it is so hard to NOT cave to the bottle.

I gotta do something.  I feel like shit.  And the one and only time I saw James since we "separated" he told me.  He knew I'd been sober for over a year and then I thought "Well fuck it- doesn't matter- I'll be okay if I just drink a little," and when we met we had a beer together.  He said, "I thought you quit drinking."  I think I shrugged.  He said he drinks beers sometimes but he doesn't drink shots.  He looked right at me and said, "Shots are bad for you."  Like he knew.  He knew, obviously, and in his own way he was telling me not to hurt myself.

I know.  And that is why I say I know he'd understand and be kind and loving to me about it, if we actually knew each other.  So will my boyfriend Dave.  Because Dave is a mirror of unconditional love and care in my life.  He is similar to James in that way, made to love me no matter what.  Dave is truly one of the best, a dear hearted man and he will understand.  I told him months back that I feel I drink too much.  He felt I was being too hard on myself.  Dave loves good whiskey (but he doesn't drink 1/4 bottle at a time) so there typically is whiskey in my house.  But that is going to have to change.  Because it is two full days since I drank and I still hurt, and I know that signals bad things.  I AM smart enough to know this.  I'm not hating on myself.  I'm not going to shame myself but I am going to say I am thankful to be blessed and protected that nothing bad has happened to me and I'd like to stop this.  But in order to stop it I need help.  Like help from those closest to me.  That means my boyfriend because he is the one I see most often.  Big fun.  It's never awesome to have to gut yourself, be totally transparent and bare your deepest weaknesses.  Just fucking ugh.

Dave understands though.  He was drinking a bit too much when I met him, and it was because he misses his wife.  Now thought he deals with it differently since he has me in his life and love helps heal.  I wish it was that easy for me.

Dave's wife is passed on, dead.  He has closure.  He held her and said goodbye.  While there is no comparison I know- still I fell VERY VERY hard in love with James.  I was on cloud nine.  I thought he was the answer to my prayers, my angel.  I began imagining that he would actually end up as the sweet loving fun kind understanding husband I'd prayed for, he was sweet to my son, and he said he wanted me to be the mother to his child.  I allowed myself to dream.  I was immensely in love with him, and then it was all gone.

I had no closure.  There was no goodbye.  There was just "gone."  Call me weak if you want but it is like the one and only thing in my life I cannot get over or heal from.  That "unfinished love" feeling.  No explanation, no discussion.  Moments where he'd be back talking to me like the James I know he is.  And I was so confused, scared, didn't understand the mirroring (no matter how it was shown to me) and all I knew is I loved this person dearly and ached to have him back with me, in my life.

Still. Not. Over. It.

But FFS I have to speak with David and explain that I can't do this.  I can't have whiskey in my freezer.  I do not have the self-control.  I need transparency and support now.  I can't deal with this alone or hide it.

I really am only human, and right now I feel like I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a week.  I still feel sick from drinking too much over the weekend, and it gets worse as I get older.  I can only imagine what I am doing to my insides.

I guess my point is no matter what, no matter the whys or hows or that I drink out of habit or to try and take the edge off my ache- it's gotta stop.  I feel so sick.  It's NOT a good feeling.  I know how much better I feel when I do not drink hard liquor.  Shit James was right and I knew he was giving me a "message" when he told me "shots are bad for you."  Yeah, I know.

And I hope "God" or my soul or whatever it is up there that is linked to me realizes, well shit- it's not like I WANT to be like this.  I am not just stubborn.  "It" knows this has been the one thing that that's been the hardest for me to control.  I actually learned to believe I am manifestor and need to control what I'm thinking and focused on.  I actually managed to do that which is a fucking miracle in and of itself- but fuck me the drinking has been physically the hardest thing to control.

It's upsetting to me.  I wish it was easier.  I really will try very hard now- because I'm feeling very crappy.  I'm not being stubborn.  I'm pretty wiped out.  I don't feel well.  Somehow I'm strong enough to function, and I have to, but it would be so much easier if I did not drink so much.

I envy those people who can have a drink or two but have no issues with alcohol.  Good for them.  I've honestly been binge drinking all the way since... I was about 22.  On and off.  More on these last 15 years.

God help me.

My life is wonderful but I still ache.  I wish I didn't.

Jennifer

ETA~ I *am* blessed.  I spoke with my boyfriend and explained that mayyybeeee I have a wee bit more of a problem than he realizes I do (I guess I hide it well.)  He said he totally understands and will respect my wishes, no problems, no questions just supportive, and I only have to talk about it with him if I want to.  I really don't want to.  I just know I live better without an easy supply of whiskey near me.  I knew he'd be supportive.  Because I have a good man in my life as my mirror.  He really does treat me how I should be treated, and how I feel inside.  So that's a good thing.

I believe James was meant to be that for me too.  I guess one of the difference is now at this point in my life I am able to ONLY be thankful and appreciative instead of worrying or doubting.