Counting Our Blessings

Hello,

For anyone who still reads this blog sorry for the ranty last email.  Yes it was severely honest but I suppose where else can I share such harsh stuff than a fairly anonymous blog?

One cool thing is I've committed to staying away from drinking hard liquor and I did good all week so I feel much much better.  Thankfully.  Yes it's a daily effort to remind myself on my way home- "You don't need that.  Just get through today and you'll feel so much better in the morning."  I do feel a lot better.  I have to always keep myself in check.  I talked further with David and explained to him that with the history of addiction in my family I really need to be super careful of my "crutches," and alcohol is my worst crutch.

So there is that.  Otherwise all is fine except I've had some really REALLY strange dreams here lately and I don't know what they mean or if they are meant to show me something.  Because I've been avoiding drinking I feel like I can strike that as a possibility (meaning spirit is not using crazy dreams to tell me to slow down on my drinking) so I'm trying to figure it out.

Counting my blessings is what I fall back on.  Working to keep my mind and energy as clear as possible.  I still get strange signs that seem to point to James, and I still don't completely know why, but I'm attempting to miss him peacefully.  Last night I told David that I am still getting signs and he asked me to explain.  Luckily I can be open with him.  He gets his own signs about his late wife. I assume they are kind of the same, his signs and mine, because both come from spirit/energy.  I guess I just get frustrated because his wife has passed on and James exists yet we both get signs.  *sigh*  I wish I knew why.  Like 100% knew why.  Otherwise it just makes me miss him.

The weather right now reminds me very much of when I met him and we were dating.  Such a fun and wonderful time.  Very sweet memories.  But bittersweet.  Because he's not a part of my life and I miss him.  I told David last night that I still miss James, and the signs make me wonder if I am being shown that I am not "doing my part" in this whole twin soul journey.  Like did James do HIS part in mirroring me, dropping off the face of *my* earth, walking away from a woman he fell in love with, a woman he said was his perfect match and everything he'd been wishing for, and maybe now I am not doing my part in actively focusing on him like I used to? 

It don't know.  And I don't know why I've had the insane dreams.  They've all had a note of anxiety to them, worry almost.  Weird dreams but not my normal.  I'd rather not have them.  The only thing I can think of is to continue to focus on the positive and stay away from anything contentious or negative.  I've allowed myself to sway over into social media this last week and that's never really the best energy unless it's strictly concerning my passions like my art, reading, etc.

I bought the cutest vintage camper a few weeks ago.  She is a late 1960's model Monitor vintage camper trailer.

Here are a couple of photos of what she looked like when I bought her from the woman who has owned her for the last at least five years.  I plan to paint the outside a brighter color along with the white.  I like bold bright colors instead of pastels.  She used the same mint green on the inside, and I don't prefer that so I am changing it up.  Here are a few things I have done so far although it will look much better once it all comes together.

The lady painted on the wall is my own work.  I am happy with her.  She turned out just as I hoped she would.  These are the things that keep me "sane."  The activities and passions that help me stay away from drinking, that make me who I am.  I am super creative and hope to soon find a niche' for selling my artwork.  "Glamping" (glamor camping especially with vintage campers) is really big right now so I am hoping to find an angle there to sell some of my work.  I enjoy working on redecorating her and then I'll take her camping and to rallys and fun stuff like that. 

I am not actually fully happy with the lower wall covering here and might end up replacing it.  Luckily it is only $40.00 worth of  peel and stick wall paper.  The woman who owned this camper before me really just slapped ugly contact paper over every peeling area, over globs of insulation, over exposed pipes, etc. so I am meticulously gluing, cleaning, painting and paying attention to details while spending as little as possible since she was an investment to purchase.  I was able to locate, quickly, a very stable camper though, and that is a blessing.  She only needs cosmetics in order to be used which is wonderful.  I am blessed.  This I know.  My wants and desires come to me quickly and easily and for that I am very thankful.

So anyway.  I wanted to update and say I am doing well.  Life is really good, and it gets better and better every day.  I am treated wonderfully by everyone who knows me.  I really am.  The *only* area of my life that... still bothers me is the situation with James.  It is the only area of my life that is not how I want it to be.  And that can be unnerving.  I can think of any idle person, speak of someone I have not heard from in ages, and that person will reach out to me.  So I don't understand why it is so different with him.  When I want to hear from his so much, when I imagine talking to him, when I still love him and care about him- I want to hear from him and talk to him.  It can be a point of frustration and just... unsettled.  But I try to deal with that how I will and be thankful for everything else.  I just know my truth, and I will always know my truth.  I know James is a good man, and he was super kind and sweet to me.  I know we were deeply in love when he "disappeared" from my life and all of this crazy twin soul stuff started happening.  When he full-blown became my mirror.  But none of that was TRUTH.  That was only him showing me my fears, being a mirror.  Truth is he loved me and that love never went anywhere.  He never ever told me he did not love me, never once.  He told me he DID love me, always had, and he wanted me in his life and I KNOW THAT IS THE TRUTH.  That is what can make me so fucking CRAZY still sometimes!  I KNOW the damn truth, and I want that truth shown to me again.  It is unfinished.  And I cannot handle unfininshed.  I'll never ever be totally settled with this.  I don't want to get married.  I can't plan a long-time future with the man in my life right now.  He understands this and for some "Godly" reason he accepts me fully and loves me anyway.  He is happy to get every new day with me, and for that I am wholly blessed.  I am doing the same thing.  I can't think of the long-term future because I still love James and I just can't.  But I wake each day thankful to have been given the opportunity to love again, and be loved again, even if it is not my twin soul.  But that still breaks my heart.  Sometimes Dave hugs me and I hug him back and tell the universe I DO love David for being David but I also give him the love I cannot give James since James is not here with me.  But I still love him.  And having a lot of love for a person who is not here for you to give that love to- that is GRIEF.  That is what grief feels like.  I've grieved James for five years.  Four of those years felt like my heart was being torn from my chest.  The last year my grief was... softened due to having David in my life.  But the grief did not disappear.  It exists right along with (note that- it exists right along with) my love and grieving over James.  My happiness over the love and joy I have in my life exists ALONG WITH the love I have for James, and how much I still long for him and miss him.

It is a lot to hold inside one person.  Hence why I feel so tempted to drink in order to numb some of those emotions.

That's all I can say.  Yes I DO still believe in twin souls.  I still believe twin souls are actually supposed to be together one day.  I just feel that in my case I wasn't able to "clear" enough of the doubts and fears in order to allow my twin soul to come to me.  And in the mean time maybe David is a part of my life for now, for however long, in order to help heal me even more with love and companionship, to show me how to allow myself to be loved.  To also show me who I really am since I know he is my mirror, and he adores me. 

And that is okay.  It is a blessing.  But that doesn't mean I've forgotten, or on an August night with the breeze blowing and the constellations overhead I don't remember James telling me that I have the little dipper on my leg, holding my hand and kissing me under the stars.  I MISS him so much.  I still miss him.  Every. Single. Day. 

It hurts.  Mixed with the joy and thankfulness- it still aches, so much.  Still I remind myself to count my blessings- sometimes that is all I can do. 

xxoo

Jen

I need to keep my mind occupied.