As Time Goes By

So this is why I often push the whole "twin flame" and James situation from my head.  Because when I start to think about it the floodgates open and I REMEMBER.  And then I get signs.  I hear all the songs.

When James and I met for the first time he hugged me, first thing.  We walked from our cars to greet each other.  He looked SO freaking cute!  And he hugged me and said, "You are just as beautiful and I knew you would be."  And he asked if I wanted to go inside for a beer.  He held the door for me and the song "Closer" by NIN was playing.  He said something like, "Some song lyrics hold a lot of meaning, like this one."  Ha!  But whenever I hear that song I think of him and his sly comment.  So the other night my boyfriend and I went out for dinner and on the way there and home we were playing music.  He was asking me what I wanted to hear and I told him to choose because I'd chosen a few songs already.  He paused and said, "What do you think of the song Closer by NIN?"  Now I get it- it's a dude song.  It's about sex, "I want to feel you from the inside."  But he had also played "Take on Me" on the way there.  When he asked me about "Closer" I got quiet and told him I'd rather not hear it.  I just can't.  It's so 80s and it just brings back to much for me.  But those things happen a lot once I start thinking about James.  I see his name everywhere.  I hear the songs.  I hear songs that feel like he's talking to me.  It is just out of this world.

I have a point.  Another thing that happens is I remember James, like when we dated.  How sweet he was.  I remember how much he fell in love with me.  Our late night conversation when he told me, "I'm already falling in love with you."  Talking about marriage, how he could see us married, how he'd never been a dad but he could try, that he'd teach my son about science and help him with sports.  He was genuinely a GOOD, kind, dear, sweet, understanding, patient, emotional, LOVING, cute and endearing person.  He always told me he realized how waiting for an answer to an email could cause stress and he'd never want to do that to me.  He went out of his way to be *responsive* to me because he knew the anxiety an unanswered text could bring to anyone.  He was very aware of protecting my emotions and taking care of me.  He was also very patient with me.  Gentle.  Unusually so.  He was just so cute.  But my point is to go from that to "fell off the face of the earth" STILL frustrates me because I know it wasn't HIM.  I know it is not what he wanted.  I know it wasn't his intention.

THAT is what blows my mind, to this day.  It has been almost seven years since this all happened.  I started talking with James 7/31/13.  It's almost seven years.  And I am a grown ass woman with a lot of responsibility, a busy life, a son, a dear man in my life, a career, and I am an artist.  I camp, I travel, I stay busy.  If it wasn't so BIG then I'd "let go of it."  But I can't.  BECAUSE I KNOW HE LOVED ME.  He loved me when he disappeared from my life.  He loved me.

It's taken these years of distance to see things very clearly.  The time and distance has allowed me to get rid on most of the fear, if not all.  Someone might ask, "Then why are you not with your twin" and the best answer I have is I may have KNOWN what to do but I couldn't do it.  I was too afraid of "my reflection."  My twin soul experience was BRUTAL.  It caused me tons of inner turmoil and terror.  When you have the person in your life who you love SO SO much, "The One," and that person turns out to be your biggest mirror and you have tons of fear and bullshit inside, get ready for the ride of your life on the scariest ride ever.  He mirrored me so hard; it was intense and unless you've been through it you can't understand, and you'd have to believe it in order to understand.  But it scared me.  He scared me due to what he had to show me and I couldn't shake that fear.  So it was a constant mirror of love and fear due to my love and fear.  I couldn't step far enough away from it to change it.

Throw in absolutely ACHING to hear from him, wanting him in my life, but he wasn't and that made me nuts.  And I missed him and so many people in the twin flame community told me "You can't miss him!  You can't be sad or else he won't come back" so I'd fight against missing him and it was so hard.  I missed him along with loving him.  I ached for him.  I was so heartsick.  I loved him SO much.  I really did.  I still do.  But that yearning was horrible and it was all just so overwhelming.

If I was back to say five years ago I would have allowed myself to focus more on LOVING him, and MISSING him, and letting myself grieve and cry and feel sad because that sadness cleansed me as it came from a place of love.  It made me soft inside.  It kept me loving, gentle and kind.  It erased my fears.  It was when I tried to be strong and NOT feel sad that the anger and fear took over, and it was the anger and fear that kept him away from me because "spirit" made sure he did not reach out to me when I felt that way.  Or my energy did it.  Something did it because I KNOW James felt badly staying away from me.  I know he did.  He showed me over and over again but back then I was just too immersed in my fear to be able to 100% believe it.

Looking back now though I do see it.  After nearly three years of near silence, not seeing each other, the weirdest communications ever, he ended up with me.  I had fought with my energy, seriously fought.  Wrote how badly I wanted to see him, thought about it, told the universe I had to see him and I knew he wanted to see me and one day he was just here, unexpectedly.  And when he saw me he hugged me.  I keep marveling over that- he HUGGED me.  And I could tell by his face and his hug that he MISSED me and he didn't like this, didn't want it.  He'd email me, when I had a good moment with my energy, and he'd say he missed me, that he wanted to come back, that he wanted to see me.  But I'd freak out (on the inside mind you) and he'd go quiet again AND IT MADE ME CRAZY.  He responded to my energy, 100%.  And that reality took a very long time for me to believe fully because, come on, how "real" is it for someone to respond to your energy and thoughts?  Like, is that even REAL?  Turns out it is.  It isn't a fairy tale and it's taught me a lot about life and to make sure I love with the purest intentions I can because my inner secret intentions and energy are always known and reflected back to me by people in my life.  But James did it the hardest, the fullest, with the most intensity.

To this day though I sit here and feel a type of frustration because I know that he loved me.  He was actively in love with me, deeply in love with me, and I know he wanted to stay with me.  I know it hurt him to leave.  I know he missed me and ached for me, and that makes me sad.  When we were together last we made love and he touched me so tenderly, touched my face and kissed me while being intimate with me.  And afterwards he held me and while it was SUPER FUCKING WEIRD because I'd waited nearly three years for that moment at the same time it was obvious he tremendously missed me, wanted that moment too.  Ugh he asked if we could hang out and spend the day together soon.  He was sweet and kind, James, my James.  It won't go away, the feeling of "But I know he loved me" and love doesn't just go away.  It can simmer, lay low, but when nothing happens to change love- it remains.  He knew I am a good person.  I must have seemed a bit crazy at times (God did I let my fear get to me, big time) but I was never mean.  I just insisted that I knew he loved me.

And you know what, never ONE TIME did he deny that!  And at the end he finally told me, "You are right!  I do love you.  I always have."  He said he wanted to be with me.  And the last time I heard from him was a call from him, again unexpected, where he let me know... he wanted to be with me.

I'm not exactly sure what I did.  If I pulled away from the energy too much in the end.  I wanted him back so much but I was also lonely and thought about how nice it would be to date someone, be with someone who was actually here.  I suppose I was being "a runner" on the inside.  At that time someone left a comment on my blog telling me "You are the runner" and I feel it was a message I was supposed to hear.  After that I tried desperately for the next year to focus on my energy, release my anger energy, be only love, clear myself, and hold on to James.  I had multiple really nice men ask me out and I told them no because I was in love with someone else.  I TRIED so hard.  I was militant.  But a year later I'd heard nothing and then I met my boyfriend, when I totally was not looking in any way shape or form, and here I am- three years later.

But all along... I've missed James. When I met Dave I wanted James.  I told Dave all about James.  Thank God David is as patient, kind and understanding as a saint.  And he loves me so much, so much that he accepts my love for someone else along with my love for him.  But I still miss James.  I remember his sweetness and how much in love we were, and that love never ended.  The physical closeness did but that love never ended.  WE never ended.  There was no "end." I don't think there was supposed to be.  I know the love was there.

I wish I could talk to him. I hope he feels my love for him,  still.

Jen

In My Heart, Still

I Won't Give Up on Us

How's everyone?  I hope anyone who might read this is doing well in all ways.  I know this has been a challenging time for most people, physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hope you are well, healthy and happy.

Years back when I felt I was going through a "twin soul" or twin flame experience I came across a few really good resources.  One was a psychic who totally knew her stuff and had been through the experience herself.  I mentioned her before on my blog because one day she told me she could no longer talk to me because my higher self didn't want her to, and she basically hung up after telling me to follow my own strong guidance.  I wish I had done so.  I wish I hadn't been so scared of my own reflection being shined at me through James, my sweet James.

One thing she told me was that twin souls, the people who end up in these connections, are very strong manifestors.  We have very strong energy.  She said if we use our energy right we can have only goodness in life if we manifest it.  And I've learned over these last few years that she was 100% correct.  I manifest very quickly.  I have to be careful to only ask for what I really want, and I have to be careful not to let myself complain or bitch or sink into lower energy because then I bring experiences to me that I don't want.  I take very seriously affirming my life in order to make sure I keep only goodness coming to me, and it comes quickly.  So throughout this COVID 19 situation I've actually been living my best life.  I'm working from home with tons of freedom and I LOVE IT.  I love being with my son, being home, hanging out, having the freedom to work in the house in between zoom calls, make nice dinners, sit outside on my deck with the laptop while my son plays or we have a bon fire or we cook outside, etc.  It's been absolutely wonderful.  I've had an income, we are healthy, and it's been perfectly awesome.  Life has been amazing.  I know that's not the case for everyone and my heart goes out to those who are struggling but for me I am grateful for the blessed times I've had.  I'd like to work like this for the remainder of my career and I do believe I can create ANYTHING I want to as long as I really focus on it and on positive energy.  So that's where I am right now, and I hope the same for anyone who might be reading this.

I do still miss James.  I do a really good job of putting it out of my mind though, and I do that often.  I am enjoying my life.  I've been on vacation.  I have a cabin on a creek.  I love my free time.  I have tons of good strong love in my life, dear friends, family and a sweet boyfriend who absolutely adores me and treats me amazingly well.  So I kinda go with my life.  It hurts too much to look back at what was, and it hurts to wish for something that I don't have so I tend to not do it.  I don't spend much time writing about James or thinking about him.  But then I get reminders.  And I "feel" him or I get a huge memory of him and it aches.  It still aches.  I still miss him but because sometimes it hurts to miss someone so much I push it away.  But it is still there.  I wish I could talk to him.  I wish I could sit down and see his smiling face and have a nice sweet kind conversation with James again.  I imagine that he would still think I am beautiful and he would think I am as wonderful as he did before.  I just know he would because that's how the connection is.  I tend to think one of the reasons why we have not magically reconnected is because I pay it little attention, give it no manifestation energy and since we attract to us what we focus on... with no focus I'm not sure it will ever happen.

But that doesn't mean I don't wish for it to.  I'm still with the same man I met three years ago, Dave.  He is a sweet man.  He still stands firm in that if somehow I were to connect with James again he would want me to have a conversation with him, see him again, spend time with him and see how it feels, how James feels, what the universe would bring to us.  So I shouldn't feel guilty but I guess sometimes I do because I know how much Dave loves me, and YES I realize it sounds like a fairy tale but I've had people tell me their twin souls have reached out to them ten years later.  So it could happen.  I KNOW it could, and I firmly believe it could, one day.  But I feel in my heart it only would if I "bring" it to me.  And I tend to just enjoy my life as it is now and fly through life being happy for my now. 

Once in a while, like now, it hits me though.  My long-time friend who also has a twin soul feels the same about her guy.  We still think of them and we know none of this was ever "normal."  They loved us.  A lot.  James loved me a ton.  We were perfect together, absolutely perfect... although I did need to learn a ton about myself, about life, about manifestation energy, about creating, about being a good person, an honest person, about feeling safe being ME and glorifying in being ME.  In loving myself and allowing myself to be loved.  To trust in love, to trust when someone showed me he truly was falling deeply in love with me.  To realize I WAS WORTH IT.  That I am worth it.  I can't really wish to go back because Dave really needed me in his life to help him through after his wife died.  I can't be that selfish to wish these last seven years hadn't happened.  But I do wish I could sit down with James knowing that I was always worth staying for.  That I was what he wanted, a life with ME.  I was worth it!  I feel sad for the Jennifer I was back then, so scared that I wasn't "enough" to stay for, to make a life with.  I always worried that I would "love him more than he loved me."  *sigh*  I don't let myself look back too far because some of the choices I made for myself before I met James are painful to remember so I don't let myself.  I just honor who I am right now: honest, pure, worthy, loveable, healthy, full of self love, a strong sense of self-worth.  A good loving mother who tries her best.  A good human.  Meeting James changed me a lot, thankfully, and my deep strong militant love for him helped protect me through some dark times where I could have made bad choices for myself but I kept reminding myself... I had been loved so purely, so wonderfully, so innocently, so PERFECTLY in my short time with James and I didn't want to tarnish that.  I didn't want to back track.  When you meet a man who is only interested in BEING IN YOUR PRESENCE, who says he will wait for you, until you're ready, who wants nothing more to just hold you and spend time with you and talk to you and email and call on the phone and talk for hours... and who doesn't pressure you for more- you hold on to that love even when it is no longer physically with you.  That's how it was for me.  I held on to that love and no matter how low I sank, how much I hurt, how badly I wanted to just throw myself into someone else to erase the ache for a moment- I wouldn't let myself go backwards to "less" than that perfect love.

That's one thing I can say about all of this.  THANK GOD I waited and honored that love.  It took me four years after James to allow myself to love someone else, and he is a good man.  A damn good man who desperately needed to be loved as well.  I am thankful that I didn't "go backwards."  I listened to my soul when it told me "maybe you shouldn't do that" within those four years while I was healing and grieving and falling apart only to be put back together in a more healthy balanced BRIGHT way.  And I heard my soul tell me when it was finally okay to let myself be loved by Dave.  Although it wasn't easy.  I missed James the first time Dave kissed me and I miss him still.  I still love James.  I've found we can love two people at once, and I do.  And it's okay.  My heart still longs for him though.  I can remember his cute smile, his bright beautiful blue eyes and how he would reach out to gently touch my face with a smile before he would kiss me.  I remember our sweet long kisses, like making out like teenagers kisses, hours on my couch just kissing.  Those were sweet moments, and I miss James.  I miss our conversations about the universe.  I miss him telling me I am made of stardust.  I miss the youthful bounce to his step, how he was so cute and funny and friendly and he made me laugh, a lot.  So talkative and sweet.  A perfect fit.  My buddy and my love.  I became good friends with him and it is so so hard when a friend is suddenly gone so I still grieve. 

I'm still in a "twin soul" connection even after all of this time.  So for anyone reading this- don't think I've forgotten because I haven't.  I've had to get on with my life, for my own sake and the sake of my son.  I HAD to.  Living like I was, staying alone while ACHING every day for this person who was not with me, would have eventually done me in.  I think I was alone for long enough and had to move forward but that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving James.  I love him.  I wish the best for him.  I hope he's been happy and well loved himself because all I want for him is happiness. 

But I still wish he was part of my life. 

I love you.  I miss you.  I really do.  I wish you could see my son, talk with him for a while.  He loves rocks, is a huge fan of geology and he wants to be a NASA scientist.  You'd have a great conversation with him. 

"There's a place in my heart though we're far apart.  May you always know.  No matter since I saw you I keep a flame there for you where ever I go."

xxoo

Be well

Jen