The Insight Begins: After The Runner Runs

If you’d like to learn more information about twin souls then I’d suggest you google one of the following: twin souls, twin flames or essence twins.  All three refer to the same strong energetic soul union.  I am not going to go into huge detail about all the aspects of a twin soul union.  There are plenty who have done a much better job than I ever could in explaining the amazing connection between twin souls so I won’t be duplicating their work.  I tend to like to think of Joron as my closest soul mate who has been with me since the moment each of us were first created as a soul but it goes further than that.  It is said that twin souls are two halves of the same soul but each is a whole and complete essence.  They are identical energy, one male and one female, yet of the same soul, separated and put into different bodies.  They are the Divine Male and the Divine female, Yin and Yang and essentially they are the exact polar opposite of the same soul energy.  Essentially twin souls are two people in two separate bodies who share the same soul energy yet are each very separate and distinct individuals. 

Because some twin souls have large age differences of at least ten or twenty years they don’t always come into the world at the same time but in some cases they do.  They will be born into the world in the same place at the same time then walk a similar path, and that is the story of Joron and myself.  Normally when twin souls are brought into the world at the same time they will reconnect later in life.  We were born in the same hospital within hours of each other and we grew up near one another although we attended different high schools.  Although there was a huge sense of recognition between us when we first met, and I still think of him as every boy I should have known but never met, the boy I should have went to prom with but didn’t, our paths never crossed in life until age forty.  Still somehow I feel like he has always been with me, like I’ve always known him.  He was even married at the little church on the corner of my childhood street where my parents live to this day.  There is no denying that this man is special to me and in my life for a specific reason.

The reason why strong pure unconditional love is very important in twin flame unions is because the union itself, especially in the beginning, is primarily for healing, and it can be very trying.  In the end once twin souls are whole, healed and together in union then their divine mission is important but before twin souls can be copacetic together they must both be healed of any ego-based emotional garbage or wounds.   This is key and will be the main focus for a while as I continue to explain my journey with Joron: he was put into my life as a source of motivation and love as I continued my quest of healing to propel me through my growth so I can ascend and be healed and whole.  This entire experience has turned my life, inside and out, upside down so I like to think of him as a guide and catalyst.  I have endured a great amount of “testing” through him, and because we are separated and he is unaware of our situation it is a testing he doesn’t even realize we are going through.  It is a testing that is orchestrated through soul.  All of my fears, hidden and otherwise, have come to the surface for me to acknowledge and face.   My secrets that I very carefully tried to keep hidden, like the fact that I cheated on my husband, have come to the surface.  He not only dreamed about the fact that I was hiding my affair from him because I was afraid he'd judge me, but he also "read my mind" while we were sitting together.  He walked in my house with the same exact bag of chocolates I was given by a previous love, the man I had an affair with.  That man had been a powerful soul mate and "helper" who assisted in ending a marriage that definitely needed to end.  I had fallen very much in love with him two years earlier and the first time we met he brought me chocolates.  As I was fretting over Joron finding out my sordid past he walked in my house, gave me the same bag of chocolates and preceded to ask me, "Did you ever cheat on your husband?"  Some people call that "telepathy" or mind reading.  I call it soul communication: his soul was channeling through him in order to get my attention, to relieve me of that burden so I would know his unconditional love. We mirror each other, and he seems to know my everything. Because it is a union of the divine is reaches far beyond the normal confines of reality; it truly is a relationships of soul  and despite our silences he seems to know me so very well on the inside, in the heart and in the soul. We have such a close connection that we are even able to communicate telepathically, again, soul communication.   

But don’t think it’s easy because it isn’t.  Far from it.  It began as one of the most Hellish experiences of my life yet one, if I was offered the choice to go back and pass it up in order to escape the pain, longing and deep heartache, I would not choose to do so.  And it takes a lot of gumption to say that because I can honestly say I expect this relationship to be the largest challenge of my life but I am hopeful that in the end it will also offer me the most bliss, divine purpose, and love.  Despite the chaos we have experienced together I love this man with an intensity I didn’t know was possible.  My love for him comes straight from the divine and this is because certain issues were tackled when I met him.  Going through this testing phase of being separated has taught me increased patience, tolerance, forgiveness, compassion, faith, trust, hope and belief. Patience is a big one. You have to be patient in knowing that you and your Twin Flame will be reunited in Divine Timing.  Trust is huge and because doubt is one of my biggest issues in life trust has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. Through the surreal experiences I’ve had with Joron from across the miles I have began to surrender to a complete trust and faith that there is a Higher Power working for my highest good. Surrendering all worries, concerns and doubts is definitely a hard challenge for most humans but it is all part of being in a twin soul union.

One thing I have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt from knowing Joron is unconditional love.  My love for him was strong to begin with but it has been cleansed and made pure through our trials.  My guidance, my soul, spoke truth in that first message I was given about him nine months ago now: that he was a gem and must be cherished.  Joron is my treasure, a gift, and I do love him with my entire heart.  He has helped heal me.  God used him as an instrument of healing through the silences we have been through.  Many people who know me and my situation do not understand the depth of my love but it’s important to realize that if you know you are in a twin soul union most people will not understand; you are expected to follow your heart and own your truth instead of listening to the guidance of others around you.  You must quiet your ego and listen to the voice of your soul, that small silent whisper that resides down deep inside of you past your iphone and tablet, beyond American Idol and email.  Soul is found in your quiet place where truth flows as if from a sweet font of goodness and light.  This is where you will be told truth about your twin soul, and it is a truth you must follow if you are fortunate enough to meet this person who will take you to the lowest of lows in order to break you open to let the darkest recessed of your insides flow through, be torn open raw and jagged and suffering, to see the cleansing and healing Light of Love. 

Ego does not quiet easily.  It does not slip away gently into the night on little cat feet.  Alas, ego death is quite the opposite of gentle or quiet.  It is frantic, painful, scrambling and loud, often accompanied by shitloads of fear, rage and tears.  Ego does not want to die or get sent to the back of the bus.  It wants to be in the driver’s seat ruling and controlling the heart, mind and soul.  Ego is stingy and loud, clingy and often rude and bossy and it must be made to be seen and not heard, put in its place or put to death altogether.  Ego is what causes pain and suffering when we attribute personal attachment to experiences, people, places and things.  If someone doesn’t like you it is ego that throws itself down on the ground beating it’s little fists while it screams and yells and hollers “Why doesn’t he like me?  I’m a sweet person!  Everyone likes me!”  Ego gets personally offended whereas soul would just shrug it off and learn from the experience.  Soul stays objective and ego is all about being subjective and opinionated.  Soul is love and ego is… conditional. 

The first item of business in a twin soul union once “the runner” disappears is getting the ego to quiet or die.  I like to think of this as “ego-death” and it is a process I had to go through, and I continue to go through now.  Ego is strong but mine is much quieter now than when I began this process of healing.  There are different levels and facets of healing in a twin soul union and since I walk only my path I will be explaining it from my point of view, from the vantage point of what transpired after Joron went totally quiet and disappeared from my life.

But first let me refer back to describing my life before I met Joron.  Spirit had been working hard to heal me prior to meeting my twin soul, and this is a typical scenario for people who have twin souls.  Before Joron I had met other soul mates who I loved strongly, and in that love came much bliss but also pain.  Pain is, at times, our best spiritual teacher and healer.  Through my soul mates I was being prepared for Joron, getting some of the old shit loosened and purged before I met him so we didn’t explode upon impact.  The more baggage people have as they meet as twin souls the more volatile the relationship will be because twin souls act as mirrors for each other, reflecting back to one another what needs to be healed.  For this reason I had "pre-soul relationships" before me that cleansed me of pain, fear and old wounds in preparation for meeting my largest mirror of all: my twin soul.  Mirroring was and still is most definitely the case between me and Joron.  Our relationship has been intense and full of mirrors with him reflecting back to me aspects of myself from which I could no longer hide.  Knowing him has shown me my fears that needed to be faced and overcome once and for all so I can live a fulfilling life and embrace my role as a Powerful One, a Divine channel to be used for God.

Although I didn’t realize it I can be very co-dependent.  When I fall in love I leave all my passions behind and become enmeshed with my romantic partner; I did this strongly with Joron.  It is stereotypical behavior of an adult child of two recovering alcoholic parents.  It is easy to totally melt into a twin soul although it is imperative not to do so, to remain one with Self, to have a strong sense of independence while growing into a partnership with a twin soul.  If one or both people involved in the union are not ready for the intensity of the connection then often they will separate, and usually this is done by one leaving for somewhere far away, and this we played out specifically in my experience with Joron.  As we grew closer I found it harder and harder to hide my insecurities.  I started secretly smoking and my drinking picked up in a failed attempt to stay calm, leaning on vices instead of being strong and independent.  I am an artist who creates no art.  Hot glass, metals, beads, paints… you name it and I can work it, and work with it well.  Photography came to me like I was made for it, and for a few years I took amazing photos.  Jewelry design is one of my passions, and I am a lampwork bead artist so I make my own glass beads to use in my designs yet for years I let all of my mediums sit to gather dust.  My guidance urged me to create again, telling me that creation was my magic and manifestation, but I didn’t listen.  It was no better when I met Joron, and when he spoke my truth to me, that I should write a book about God, it was a message from Spirit to put my greatest gift to good use- my gift of writing.  But I didn’t.  I continued to get more and more dependent on him which increased my fears of losing him which escalated my inner and outer angst until finally in order for intense spiritual healing to begin he was offered the amazing {and I'm sure predestined} career opportunity and the universe separated us. 

Our short time together was highly intense and when he left I tried my hardest to be strong but it definitely kicked my fears into high gear so I did what I do best: I tried to woo him through my words.  I wanted to reign him in and ensure he’d never leave me.  I wanted to make him fall farther and farther in love with me through my words and at times I presented myself as someone I was not in order to make him “like me more.”  It was not done in a purposeful manner, and I did it unconsciously.  Bred from my own deep-seated insecurities it was like my energy was constantly screaming, “Don’t leave me!  If I make you like me enough then you won’t ever leave me!” 

I wrote him loving messages but I can be manipulative through my words.  God blessed me with the gift of writing; I’m somewhat of a wordsmith but instead of putting those words to good use by doing something like, oh I don’t know, writing a novel maybe- I wrote to Joron.  And sometimes when I did I spun my words in such a way to orchestrate some type of reaction out of him, and that is never good.  It is infringing in a very egotistical manner on a person’s free will.  I never realized I did this, not until I have endured this split with my love.  Communication should be done with the purest intention, never to manipulate or coerce, no matter how loving or gentle it is done.  One will find this to be most true in a twin soul union because suddenly when a twin soul "runs" words no longer hold any importance or meaning.  When soul is running the show words lose all power and all that matters is intention and energy.  When he shut off from me, ceased his contact, it was as if my super power of the written word had been stripped from me.  I went from being able to maneuver most any situation through my words to being rendered totally powerless.  I absolutely could not get him to respond to me, and again it was like a light switch.  Two days before he “ran” he’d been leaving me voicemail messages telling me how much he loved me.  Then *poof* he was gone.  Because I’d become so dependent on him for my joy I felt like suddenly my life was falling apart around me, and I seriously did not know how to cope with it.  Heavy duty spiritual healing was beginning, starting with working on killing my ego but all I knew was that I was thrust into a state of terror that nothing I said, nothing I wrote, could I escape from.

When twin souls separate one runs and one normally chases.  I prefer to think of the one who chases as the “stayer” because after a short bout of insanity between us I no longer had much desire to reach out to him; the desire to contact him had been beaten out of me.  I withdrew and actually became frightened to hear from him because when he would respond to me he was cold and mirrored my fears; it’s like we were sending fear energy back and forth to each other.  He was gone and I stayed behind; we were parted and so much chaos happened in such a short amount of time so silence seemed best, especially when at one point early on I thought we were over, totally crashed and burned.  I would find out later that we were far from crashed and burned, far from over, and his very last normal words to me, “Just remember I love you and want you to be my future” was to be the real truth… that despite appearances and circumstances we were meant to do this “dance” which would result in love and healing.

As I write this I have been through seven months of lots of quiet, suffering, pain and huge uncertainty at levels that most people could never understand.  When a twin soul runs it hurts worse than grieving over a loss such as death because they can still be felt; they never leave.  It’s like that song from Evanesence, "My Immortal," because with Joron he was gone yet I swore I still felt him around me.  Everywhere I turned there was a sign of him.  Songs on the radio or Pandora seemed to surreally speak right to me about our love.  At first it drove me crazy but over the following months I came to learn through my guidance that I still had spiritual healing which needed to be done and knowing Joron, having this experience with him, was to bring me finally to a place of wholeness, belief and trust not only in myself but also God.  I didn’t fully trust God.  I said I believe in The Divine, in All That Is, and I knew I had some type of spiritual guidance with me yet I was always so skeptical and questioning.  I had already been through many trials in order to be stripped of negativity concerning religion and spirituality to where my generalize feelings about God were cleansed and loving.  I felt God was a loving, compassionate energy but maybe I still didn’t fully believe that I was watched over, protected or deserving of goodness.  After years of challenges I was so used to hardship in love that I’d come to expect it, and I really could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I also still had lingering issues of associating God and my spiritual guidance with the parents from my childhood, punishers and disciplinarians.  I didn’t realize it consciously but I still feared God, and I didn’t trust the divine.  I always questioned my guidance wondering if it was tricking me in order to teach me or make me stronger.  I will admit this is a battle I still fight to this day.  I had learned many of my prior lessons the hard way and although I am a very positive loving woman secretly I expected that whenever I fell in love with a man I would only come to know pain and suffering from loss.  Loss of love has been an ongoing deep-seated fear of mine for as long as I can remember and it manifested itself in all of my relationships in one way or another.  With my ex-husband he lost his emotional and feelings for me and our relationship became dispassionate and apathetic until I fell in love with another, learned what it felt like to be loved and desired, and my marriage ended.  Then I experienced the pain that comes along with falling deeply in love with men who could not choose me because they were already in marriages with children and strong commitments that were not to be overcome by romantic love.  By the time I met Joron I was used to loving and letting go.  I feared that any man I got close to, fell in love with, would leave me.  I wasn’t expecting him, and maybe I wasn’t completely prepared for the strength of the love he shared with me.  It was undeniable yet surreal in its intensity, and it secretly terrified me.  It wasn’t until after he left me, after we spent months doing the twin soul “dance,” and after hours upon hours of working with my spiritual guidance, listening to the whisperings of my soul, that I came to realize he’d been put into my life for a myriad of reasons but one of the first was so I could finally face those skeletons packed far away in my closet, the first being issues from my childhood, the very same issues that made me fear rejection so badly that soul ensured I faced my fears by making them come true when my twin soul ran from me.  As you read more about twin souls and healing you will find that somehow meeting your twin soul unpacks all your old issues that are a result of when you were young and forces you to take a long, hard and FORGIVING look at your past.  I don't exactly know how it works but it does: it's the working of The Divine.  The pain felt when a twin soul runs somehow cracks the heart open so everythingggggg lingering and dark inside can come out and be cleansed in the sunlight.  And that is exactly what happened with me.