I write here and delete over and over again because nothing feels right. The only thing I really feel or care about right now is I love James and I miss my sweetheart so deeply that I can't even explain how it feels. I cry all the time. I cry over everything because my emotions are so tender.
I ache.
I ache because I remember how much fun I had with James. I remember his sweetness. I remember what good friends we became, the fun conversations we had. He earned my trust because he was totally protective of me in every way and I had never really been treated like that before, like I was totally cherished and chosen. He showed me he felt I was special. He protected my body, mind and heart. He was good to my child. He made time for me. He looked forward to seeing me. He not only came to visit me but he brought gifts with him... so thoughtful and generous and kind.
And he was sweet to my child. That is something I cannot recover from, ever. My heart is a big pile of aching goo right now. Every time I think back to how kind he was to my son and about my son it slays my heart. He is such a gem. A treasure. That is why I ache. I miss my gem.
I need to remain focused on feeling love right now. I stray off. But I know I am meant to be loving and kind to James in my heart. Send him love, remember him with goodness. Yes I miss him. I sure wish he was back with me but I do love him no matter what.
Sometimes I don't feel very loving. I get kind of icky inside. I want to avoid aching so I "shut off." Like this weekend I just wanted to feel normal and have fun so I went out... and I don't know if that is the best choice for me right now. I get antsy. I want to escape feeling like this but maybe there really is no escape from it. I need to continue to just stay home or in more peaceful quiet places and "feel" and be reflective. Otherwise I want to distract and I don't feel that distracting is the best energy. This might be hard to understand since I don't know how to explain it properly but let me try: when I want to feel all strong and "I don't hurt" and "I can be happy and have a fun normal life too" and "I am not going to spend my whole day missing him" it feels like my heart closes. And then it closes a little more. And then I don't want to bring him to mind. And I might not cry as much or ache as deeply BUT I also get a bit of a chip on my shoulder, and then a few days later I STILL miss him and it's this huge ball of glop that does not feel good. And it can make me feel angry, and anger is a shit energy that I must avoid by all means. So, when I just allow myself to feel him and his love, to remember him even if it makes me ache and cry- I feel softer then. I feel more tempered and kind inside. I feel more loving. Even if it aches. There is NO middle ground for me. I can feel very grateful for my life and I do. I can enjoy the moment. I can smile and laugh... but inside I still carry a bittersweet sorrow behind my smile {and later I will cry when I hear a song or am reminded of him or a wave of emotion comes over me} no matter what- if I keep my heart open then that is how it feels, always.
James was good to me. *sigh* I really miss my loving friend. We were not only lovers but friends, friends first. I feel in my heart that he loves me a lot, still does. Well, see? He not long ago told me he does love me. He told me "accept that." Like I don't accept it. I KNOW he does love me. He is a good guy and he loves me. I need to focus on love even if it makes me ache. I think that is pretty natural, to miss and ache for someone who is not here. I am human still. I have a strong heart. I feel emotions intensely, especially love. I am very much in love with this man and I long for him. It is not something I can even control at this point. I can't stop thinking of kissing him and holding him, being in his arms, our sweet loving pillow talk. I can't stop thinking of how he held me and kissed me and made love to me when he was here last. I miss him. I miss seeing his sweet warm kind fun smile. I want to touch his face and kiss his lips.
I wish James could come to my house again and kiss me for hours and make love with me. Close and intimate and good.
I was always told that it is my mission to love him and remember him for who he is, the man I met who treated me with tenderness and total kindness. James was very gentle to me. That is what aches so deeply- I miss his tender touch. I miss that gentleness. I know who he is and I ache to have him back in my life. Remembering his goodness is bittersweet but I have to do it even if it aches because I want him here and I have to be supportive of him and loving to him. I believe he is meant to be here. I believe he wants to be here. God I am so ready to go forward and know James again, my friend and love. The intimacy we share is so beautiful. It really was the start to a healthy beautiful loving relationship- one that is meant to continue.
But I need to stay grounded and loving inside. I've felt resistance for a while and I need to get through it. I've had really weird dreams that show me I am not allowing my feelings out, not expressing myself enough {even just privately.} Maybe not expressing my truth. I've had a hard time writing here on the blog too. Blocked almost. Gotta work through that. Keep my priorities in check. I'm given a ton of signs and I don't always know what they mean but I think they are showing me to keep doing what helps me, staying focused on love.
Man, I do love James. If I could wake in the morning and find a text that says, "Hi! Good morning!" from him I'd be so happy. I miss being in touch with him and knowing how he is and just sharing life with him in general. I do wish I could know him again. Not because I am nosy or anything but just because friends share. Friends talk. Friends are open and honest, and we were before. I miss that. I miss being able to talk casually, laugh easily. I miss seeing his smile and hearing his cute laugh. Seeing his sweet face. *sigh* I miss James so much. I know he loves me. I know that we are still connected on some level. I love him too, and I care about him and want him happy. But I still feel like we are meant to be together, and he did not want to leave, and he's tried to come back time and again... and I just feel he loves me as much as I love him. Like he told me, I gotta accept that.
So here I am, holding on. Tightly. I feel like I would do pretty much anything to see his smiling face, and hold him and kiss him. To have him in my life again like I did before, my sweet friend and love.
I heard this song today. It is fitting.
Sad Song
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