Roses Are Red
My Hands
Oh God I heard both of these songs back to back while I was out on my lunch break, and they both explain how I feel perfectly. My heart hurts. MY GOD does my heart hurt. I remember James. I remember how sweet he was to me, perfectly kind and loving and good. I remember our kisses. Sweet wonderful beautiful kisses. I remember how he told me that he loves when we are together we are so kissy and loving and good- that when together we cannot keep our hands off each other.
He always held my hand when we were together. If we were alone we were kissing, or making love, and when we were out together he always held my hand. Always. The night we were in Chicago he held my hand the whole night.
Memories are a beautiful thing but... they hurt too. Bittersweet. I wish James was here with me now, cuddled up together with me every night. I wish his sweet face was the last thing I see at night, and his sweet kisses the first thing I feel in the morning. I want to sleep next to him all night long.
I love him, and I miss him. I so so so wish he was here with me, with me and my son. Our family.
I read something yesterday that said you gotta feel like they are here instead of missing them. But I don't think I can get there. I can remember how wonderful it felt to be with James. Heaven on earth. Blissful. Pure bliss. The time I spent with him was the happiest time of my life. I cannot imagine meeting a man as wonderful and kind and sweet as James. Gentle. He was gentle to me. I needed a gentle touch and he gave that to me. It is what aches so deeply- I miss his gentle sweet love. He is perfect for me.
This ache, I have pretty much come to accept it. It is not going anywhere. No matter how much jewelry I make, or the books I try to read, or spending time with family or friends or even my sweet child- nothing erases this deep ache I have for him. It must just be what one feels when going through what people call a "twin soul separation." All I know is we fell deeply in love, quickly. He told me it was the start to a healthy and beautiful relationship, and that it truth. There was a lot of pure strong love between us. We only wanted to treat each other well and with love. That is all there was between us. And I feel that there is really only love there now too.
Nothing changed. That is the thing that can boggle my mind. Nothing changed. He even told me, later, "Nothing changed. I feel exactly the same." And while I know more time has passed- real strong true love lasts. Nothing changed. Nothing "happened." That love did not go anywhere. It is still there.
Ohhhh... my heart. My heart does ache. I try not to focus on him not being here and more that I wish he was with me. I look up at the stars at night and remember him. I tell him how much I love him. He knows I love him. He is a good man. The best I ever met. I just wish he was with me now. But again I feel like I have to simply accept the fact that I ache. It is a feeling I cannot shake. I feel like I will only feel fully peaceful and "happy" once... he is back in my life. I feel like I am not perfect and never will be but I can always keep in mind his goodness and how much he loves me. He has been my partner through all of this, and I'm gonna just have to miss him until he is back with me. I cry a lot. But I can't help it. When I bring his sweet love to mind, the time we spent together holding each other, kissing, giggling, talking closely, sharing, being dear friends and lovers at the same time... feeling so safe and comfortable with him, so so so so fucking HAPPY- it is impossible for me to not feel that bittersweet sorrow, and it is a sorrow. Maybe that sorrow and missing that is borne of love is the only thing I am able to feel right now.
I am thankful I met him. I am grateful for the time we spent together. I would not know real true pure love had I not spent time with James. Besides my son he is the best thing to ever happen to me. He will always be so special to me. I just miss him so much. He is always on my mind and in my heart. I can only pray hard to God and anything else "out there" to please help protect my aching heart. Because I have prayed and prayed for the ache to be eased but it is still there, three years later.
I miss my Love. I would give anything to hear his sweet voice again. I pray for truth because I know truth is we do love each other and care for one another, and I wish with all of my heart we could be back together. I am so ready to know my sweet loving kind friend again. He told me he loves me, always has, and that he wants me in his life. I know I need to hold on to that as truth, accept it like he told me to. And I do. It can be a challenge missing him this much but- oh well. I guess that is just how it feels when you love someone so much and you dream of having him back with you.
So there. That is how I feel, still. Not much different than normal. I just remember his sweet kisses like I can almost feel him- and... it aches. Sweet and beautiful are my dear memories yet they tug at my heart because I want more than a memory. I want to kiss my Love again. I want to hear him call me "honey" again- I miss that, him calling me sweet names, especially honey because it still feels inside like I am his honey. I want to hold him and look into his beautiful blue eyes and smile at him and hold his hand and make sweet close intimate love with him. I miss him. I know him and I miss him because he is a good sweet man, and when someone is blessed with the most amazing life-changing gift, and then that gift is gone... I want my gift back. So much. And I feel like he wishes he could be with his gift too. I know I am a gift to him- he told me so. He told me he'd dreamed of meeting a woman who would love him fully and understand him, and he found her in me. And I believe that still.
That's about all I have right now.
I love you. You are still my sweetheart. I carry you in my heart, carefully. My biggest and only wish is to have you in my life again like I did before, your kind loving sweet gentle tender beautiful wonderful amazing self.
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