See The Stars With You
Today is a rough day. Second night in a row where I've come awake at midnight and I don't know why. Wide awake. Just laying there with thoughts in my head and songs playing in my mind. Last night was Diana Ross singing about missing someone. *sigh*
I just don't know.
I have some "real life" stuff I need to address and on top of how I feel emotionally it feels like I am ready to crack. I cry all the time. I cried this morning with my son's teacher. I am trying to keep it all together. But I feel like I barely am. My son... is adorable. He is wonderful and sweet, very kind sensitive little soul. He is also extremely high-energy. And I mean EXTREMELY. In pre-school they told me he was the highest energy child they had, and now in the public school system, well, it's been a challenge. So I am going to have him tested. I am terrified of stuffing a pill down his throat simply because he has too much energy to sit in a chair All. Day. Long. They get like 15 minutes of recess! Come the fuck on- they are six and seven years old! But my son in particular- his teacher told me today that she loves him. He has a sparkling loveable personality. He is sweet. But he also is very very social and talkative and he cannot sit still. She was careful with his grade in conduct on this first report card; she said she knows he "can't control himself" and it isn't his fault. He is always moving. Always thinking, building, talking, reflecting, "what if-ing," working shit out through his words, contemplating, engineering, singing, la la la-gin, humming, moving... he is never still unlesshe is sleeping. He sleeps hard and long and wakes talking. I swear- he wakes up talking, asking me questions, telling me stories. He wakes with stuff already in his head. And he's like that all day long until he falls asleep fast and hard, and he still has a routine bedtime. He is such a sweet child but I am not sure what to do with him and this high-energy thing he has going on. He's so smart and engaging. I don't want to give him a drug to take away who he is; this bright light personality is what makes him unique. I don't know what to do.
I am fucking tired. Even without a twin soul thing in my life I am tired. Add in whatever is going on with James, this thing I don't totally understand, and I'm exhausted! I do not understand. I don't. I feel lost. I understand that we have a "connection" of some kind. He somehow reflects me, whether or not he knows he does it- he reflects me. I did not ask for a mirror soul to come into my life. I asked for a sweet boyfriend, and granted I did get what I asked for but I did not realize he was going to reflect my fears and stuff back to me. I did not know that. I just wanted him to stay with me.
That is all I wanted. I wanted him to stay with me. I am so sad because he could not stay with me!
I am so so so ready to have a companion in my life, someone to help me, someone I could help as well. When I met James he very quickly started saying things like, "Maybe one day we will be sleeping next to each other." He says he wants to make love to me every night. And he told me one night when we were on the phone that he was sad when he went home at night and I was not there, he was wanting me to be there when he got home at night. He did not want me at my own house and him at his house- he wanted us together. He told me he could see us married. He told me he could see himself as PJ's step-daddy. He said, "Let's talk about when we are married..." He said, so sweetly, "I don't know how to be a daddy but I am sure I could learn. I could teach him science and help him at sports." He said he finally met the woman he could see himself wanting to have a child with since he saw how good I was with my own child. And I am a good mother but I am tired of doing it alone. I want my mate, my companion, and I am SAD because James told me he wanted to be that partner for me. He told me. And here I am, every day wanting and hoping and praying that he can come back to me so we can have what we dreamed of together.
I want a life with James. I really do. I can't forget or let go of how good he was to me and how he spoke my every dream to me. Full mirror. Ugh- full mirror. I've had other people who reflect me, other soul mates, but they were not my "full mirror" like James is. I have this strong faith that we have a unique connection where the opportunity to come back together exists- and that is why I don't give up. I have this deep faith that eventually, when I get this "right," he can come back to me because I believe he truly wants to come back and be with me.
I miss him. I miss the adorable man I met, got to know, fell in love with, kissed for hours, held hands with, talked with forever, shared dreams with, made love with- I was so entirely happy with James. I've never been that happy in my entire life. Not even when I had my son was I as happy as when James was here in my life as my boyfriend. I loved being with him, loved knowing him, loved spending time with him or even just talking to him. My GOD just knowing he was in my life, actively a part of my life, made me feel so content and good and happy. I thought I... was finally going to have a chance at being happy. I felt like I met the best guy in the whole world. I fell in love with him so quickly. It made me totally vulnerable and brought my fears out, yes it did, but STILL I loved him SO much! I thought that maybe finally I'd met "the one" and we'd be happy together. I wanted everything with him. He treated me well. Better than anyone else, better than I could ever dream of.
I knew "love" before I met James but there is one thing about our time together that means a lot to me. That is our relationship was built more on friendship and "true love" than just desire. It was not based on an immediate sexual attraction. We were attracted to each other but since we only kissed for a while first it was not like we jumped into bed right away and then got to know each other in between screwing each others brains out. We actually did not make love many times but the times we did were sweet. But... I am glad that we talked for a month before we met and then we waited a few weeks and spent "quality" time together before getting naked. That means a lot to me, and he always told me that while he found me very attractive he also just liked being with me. Near me, knowing me, talking to me, sharing with me. He said he would wait as long as I needed because he wanted me to be ready and he enjoyed my company. He always told me he looked forward to reading my messages and knowing my thoughts. I still have, somewhere, a message from him. Very sweet and James. He told me that, lol, his friends called him "science trip" because of his love for science, and he was so glad that I appreciated that side of him and respected his likes and how he thinks, and I did. It is one of the things I greatly miss about him, his brilliant mind and how he thinks and his passion for science. I miss all that we shared together. I cannot even. I cannot EVEN read anything about the universe or see Neil deGrasse Tyson or anything science or Geology related without my heart seizing up in my chest because it reminds me of James so much- my poor fucking heart! I miss my cute little scientist friend and love so much that I am losing it. I don't even know what to do with myself.
I think THAT is what makes me the most bonkers. Truth is so different than what I have experienced over these last three years and sometimes it is so maddening that it makes me not want to "life" anymore. That is why sometimes suicide sneaks into my thoughts- because I feel like I am living in my own private HELL that no one else can understand. Because I know who James is. I know how much he enjoyed knowing me. I know how in love we were {and still are} together, the kind of love where you can't stand to be apart and you just need to be touching and kissing and talking and loving each other. I know what truth is. I know what we shared- he cares about me! I know he cares about me, and my son. And I know he would want me happy and at peace. Because he is a good man.
He is a good man.
No, if you have not been through a twin soul experience, especially the separation part, then you won't clearly understand what I mean. Because I don't feel like this is reality. "This" feels like illusion. It feels WRONG. We should be talking to each other. In person. One human being to another. I know he considers me a friend and he cares about me. I know he enjoys talking to me. I KNOW he does. And it makes me very frustrated to... more than want something. To know what truth is, to know we should be talking and together and knowing each other lovingly and peacefully. So I am frustrated. It is a frustration that I am working hard not to allow into anger since I am not a victim. I know I got myself here.
But I want out now. I want the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to know James again like he was when I met him: friendly, funny, kind, loving, affectionate, gentle, sweet, silly, goofball, making me laugh, holding my hand, being my buddy, kissing me all the time, not able to keep his hands off me yet totally respectful and PROTECTIVE of me. He was very protective of me, always careful of my heart and emotions. The perfect man to meet and know. A man who was kind to me and kind to my child. A man who respected my role as mother and always took my responsibilities as PJ's mom into consideration. He planned a "play day" for me and him and my son, together. OMG- that memory alone makes me bawl. He is a man who was obviously raised well by someone who taught him how to treat a woman. He totally accepted me and loved me and wanted to be with me, and I know he still does.
I miss my gift. I was blessed with a gift, and I really wish he was back in my life.
I miss James so much I can barely stand it, and I don't know what to do. How I feel is not "normal." I know there is "something" out there. A God. My guidance/HS. I am asking for some serious HELP. I am a mother who has to keep her shit together and I could use some help. I swear I am trying my best to hold on, stay focused, etc. etc. but... I need some help.
Jennifer
I am fucking tired. Even without a twin soul thing in my life I am tired. Add in whatever is going on with James, this thing I don't totally understand, and I'm exhausted! I do not understand. I don't. I feel lost. I understand that we have a "connection" of some kind. He somehow reflects me, whether or not he knows he does it- he reflects me. I did not ask for a mirror soul to come into my life. I asked for a sweet boyfriend, and granted I did get what I asked for but I did not realize he was going to reflect my fears and stuff back to me. I did not know that. I just wanted him to stay with me.
That is all I wanted. I wanted him to stay with me. I am so sad because he could not stay with me!
I am so so so ready to have a companion in my life, someone to help me, someone I could help as well. When I met James he very quickly started saying things like, "Maybe one day we will be sleeping next to each other." He says he wants to make love to me every night. And he told me one night when we were on the phone that he was sad when he went home at night and I was not there, he was wanting me to be there when he got home at night. He did not want me at my own house and him at his house- he wanted us together. He told me he could see us married. He told me he could see himself as PJ's step-daddy. He said, "Let's talk about when we are married..." He said, so sweetly, "I don't know how to be a daddy but I am sure I could learn. I could teach him science and help him at sports." He said he finally met the woman he could see himself wanting to have a child with since he saw how good I was with my own child. And I am a good mother but I am tired of doing it alone. I want my mate, my companion, and I am SAD because James told me he wanted to be that partner for me. He told me. And here I am, every day wanting and hoping and praying that he can come back to me so we can have what we dreamed of together.
I want a life with James. I really do. I can't forget or let go of how good he was to me and how he spoke my every dream to me. Full mirror. Ugh- full mirror. I've had other people who reflect me, other soul mates, but they were not my "full mirror" like James is. I have this strong faith that we have a unique connection where the opportunity to come back together exists- and that is why I don't give up. I have this deep faith that eventually, when I get this "right," he can come back to me because I believe he truly wants to come back and be with me.
I miss him. I miss the adorable man I met, got to know, fell in love with, kissed for hours, held hands with, talked with forever, shared dreams with, made love with- I was so entirely happy with James. I've never been that happy in my entire life. Not even when I had my son was I as happy as when James was here in my life as my boyfriend. I loved being with him, loved knowing him, loved spending time with him or even just talking to him. My GOD just knowing he was in my life, actively a part of my life, made me feel so content and good and happy. I thought I... was finally going to have a chance at being happy. I felt like I met the best guy in the whole world. I fell in love with him so quickly. It made me totally vulnerable and brought my fears out, yes it did, but STILL I loved him SO much! I thought that maybe finally I'd met "the one" and we'd be happy together. I wanted everything with him. He treated me well. Better than anyone else, better than I could ever dream of.
I knew "love" before I met James but there is one thing about our time together that means a lot to me. That is our relationship was built more on friendship and "true love" than just desire. It was not based on an immediate sexual attraction. We were attracted to each other but since we only kissed for a while first it was not like we jumped into bed right away and then got to know each other in between screwing each others brains out. We actually did not make love many times but the times we did were sweet. But... I am glad that we talked for a month before we met and then we waited a few weeks and spent "quality" time together before getting naked. That means a lot to me, and he always told me that while he found me very attractive he also just liked being with me. Near me, knowing me, talking to me, sharing with me. He said he would wait as long as I needed because he wanted me to be ready and he enjoyed my company. He always told me he looked forward to reading my messages and knowing my thoughts. I still have, somewhere, a message from him. Very sweet and James. He told me that, lol, his friends called him "science trip" because of his love for science, and he was so glad that I appreciated that side of him and respected his likes and how he thinks, and I did. It is one of the things I greatly miss about him, his brilliant mind and how he thinks and his passion for science. I miss all that we shared together. I cannot even. I cannot EVEN read anything about the universe or see Neil deGrasse Tyson or anything science or Geology related without my heart seizing up in my chest because it reminds me of James so much- my poor fucking heart! I miss my cute little scientist friend and love so much that I am losing it. I don't even know what to do with myself.
I think THAT is what makes me the most bonkers. Truth is so different than what I have experienced over these last three years and sometimes it is so maddening that it makes me not want to "life" anymore. That is why sometimes suicide sneaks into my thoughts- because I feel like I am living in my own private HELL that no one else can understand. Because I know who James is. I know how much he enjoyed knowing me. I know how in love we were {and still are} together, the kind of love where you can't stand to be apart and you just need to be touching and kissing and talking and loving each other. I know what truth is. I know what we shared- he cares about me! I know he cares about me, and my son. And I know he would want me happy and at peace. Because he is a good man.
He is a good man.
No, if you have not been through a twin soul experience, especially the separation part, then you won't clearly understand what I mean. Because I don't feel like this is reality. "This" feels like illusion. It feels WRONG. We should be talking to each other. In person. One human being to another. I know he considers me a friend and he cares about me. I know he enjoys talking to me. I KNOW he does. And it makes me very frustrated to... more than want something. To know what truth is, to know we should be talking and together and knowing each other lovingly and peacefully. So I am frustrated. It is a frustration that I am working hard not to allow into anger since I am not a victim. I know I got myself here.
But I want out now. I want the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to know James again like he was when I met him: friendly, funny, kind, loving, affectionate, gentle, sweet, silly, goofball, making me laugh, holding my hand, being my buddy, kissing me all the time, not able to keep his hands off me yet totally respectful and PROTECTIVE of me. He was very protective of me, always careful of my heart and emotions. The perfect man to meet and know. A man who was kind to me and kind to my child. A man who respected my role as mother and always took my responsibilities as PJ's mom into consideration. He planned a "play day" for me and him and my son, together. OMG- that memory alone makes me bawl. He is a man who was obviously raised well by someone who taught him how to treat a woman. He totally accepted me and loved me and wanted to be with me, and I know he still does.
I miss my gift. I was blessed with a gift, and I really wish he was back in my life.
I miss James so much I can barely stand it, and I don't know what to do. How I feel is not "normal." I know there is "something" out there. A God. My guidance/HS. I am asking for some serious HELP. I am a mother who has to keep her shit together and I could use some help. I swear I am trying my best to hold on, stay focused, etc. etc. but... I need some help.
Jennifer
You are blessed :) namaste
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind words Matthew! I appreciate it!
DeleteIn stead of medication, try meditation for your child :) namaste
ReplyDeleteYeah I don't want to medicate him. He is a unique child. I am definitely going to meet with a behavioral specialist but I will be careful, and I am going to start working with getting him to calm other ways. It is a challenge with the school system being the way it is but I'll do what I can on my own. Luckily he has a very kind and understanding teacher, and he got great grades this first period. He has a good mind and a sweet heart, and tons of energy!
DeleteSearch up the channel Higher Self on YouTube. They offer some good knowledge
ReplyDeleteThank you I will do that!
Delete