Monday

I have a bad case of the Mondays!  I am looking forward to the holiday break.  I'll have extra time to be with my son which is always nice too.

Yesterday was a bad day.  I won't elaborate much but it was too much drama for me.  One of those days you can't wait to leave behind you.  In the evening though my son came home from being with his dad and I made a nice dinner, well two dinners so we have a few dinners for the week, and I put up the tree.  My son and the kids who live with us decorated the tree and put out the Christmas decorations, which I was in no mood to take care of so it worked out well, and the day ended fine.

I don't have much Christmas spirit.  I'm currently faking it for the sake of my child. 

I really have no idea what to say about this right now.  I miss James a lot.  I think of him often, obviously.  I sure wish he was in my life.  I've written so much about the reason for the silence, and I honestly believe that it is not a conscious choice.  I believe with all of my heart that James would rather talk with me than stay quiet.  But that still does not help the fact that I miss him so much, and it hurts.  I don't mean to be a baby about it.  It just makes me feel sad that I can say "Merry Christmas" to anyone I know, or email them or text them or call them to talk- and get a response but only with this one single person it is different.  The one person I want to talk to most in the whole world.

Who wouldn't be sad?

I woke up this morning and missed him so much.  I remember every last little sweet thing about him, and he is so damn cute.  He has a beautiful face.  Gorgeous blue eyes.  A great smile.  He's entirely handsome... perfect.  Not that looks are everything but he's what I want and it aches.  I ache for him.  I remember how sweet it was to have that amazingness near me, in my arms, kissing him and hugging him and being close to him.  I remember all of the sweet kind loving things he would say to me, and it is bittersweet to remember.  I am not "dwelling."  It is just good for me to remember who he really is, and he really was very wonderful to me.

Perfect, for me.  Perfect for me.

James told me he loves me like a million times in the time we were together.  And more than that, he showed me too.  I can't get over it.  You just can't understand!  You can't understand how it feels to know THAT is truth and this is not.  It drives me out of my mind.  He called me very cute little name, and I particularly liked "honey."  I can still hear his voice in my head telling me, "I love you honey."  He has a kind voice.  That is a good word to describe it.  He is like all "guy" but he is also gentle.  He was always very gentle with me.

That is what makes me feel like I am living in an alternate {and often wrong} universe.  Because James was super protective of me.  He always checked to see how I was doing or feeling, and he was careful with me.  Like he wanted to make sure I felt comfortable or that I didn't feel nervous.  He always reassured me of his love and affection.  He told me all the time that he enjoyed being with me, enjoyed my company and liked just sitting and holding me and talking to me and kissing me.  He was the definition of a gentleman in every way.

So this is hard for me.  He always enjoyed talking to me, and I know he still likes hearing from me.  It might sound strange but I just know he would speak with me if he could.  He wants to, and I have to remember that because I am just as "bad" as anyone else going through this and sometimes my brain freaks out and I start to doubt his feelings for me.  Yet I know he loves me.  He told me and I know he does.  And this is why I am here, doing this.  Trying.  Wanting him and only him.  I try to not even notice cute men.  Because let's face the facts- I've been pretty much celibate for over three years.  James came back and I made love with him and he's the only man I've made love with since he's been gone.  So... I AM human.  I have to kinda avoid even going out much because I need to stay strong and the truth is it is not always easy.  But I want James.  He is the one I want.  He told me I am his 1%, that only 1% of women are compatible with him but that I am his 1%.  He told me I am the woman he had wished for.  Ugh- I know he meant those things.  And we should still be together.

And I know he is wonderful.  And I miss him and his wonderful love.  So much.  I'd do pretty much anything to be with him again.  I am battling.  Believe me.  I want so much to hear from him again where he is gentle and kind and loving and open.  Like we were before.  Like we should be.  That is us.  We should be talking and laughing and saying Merry Christmas.

When I saw his face this past spring- I could barely believe it.  It was so wonderful to see his beautiful sweet face again and to hear his voice and he hugged me.

He hugged me.  Like, come on.  Come the fuck on!  I know he wanted to see me, was hoping to see me again.  I know it.  And he was happy to see me.  And he wanted to make love to me and hold me and kiss me and be close with me.

And I miss him so fucking much.  SO much.  I cannot control how much I miss him.  I am so entirely in love with James, and it... it is such a challenge.  Of course I freaked out after I saw him.  I got a hit of him and all I wanted was more.  I WISH to have him back in my life where he could just stay with me.  Stay in contact.  Be there.  Like normal.  Like he was when we first met.

That is really all I want.  It is my wish, my one wish, to have him in my life.  I want to live with him and love with him and be married to him and have him as our family.  I want to love him and take care of him and cook for him and make love with him every night and be so so good to him.

All I want to do is love him, but like really love him.  Here in my life and in my BED love him.  I miss making love with James.  When he was here he made love to me, and that was making love.  Real genuine love and I want more of that.  I want to be naked with him.  I want to make him moan.  I want to make him feel so good.  I just want to be close and kissing and making love and talking and laughing and having pillow talk.

Pillow talk.  He loves pillow talk.  When we dated he would not even have sex with me if we did not have time for "pillow talk."  He didn't want it to feel like "sex."  He wanted ample time to love me and hold me and be with me- that is the man he is.

I know this.  And it frustrates me to no end because I am longing and aching to speak with him again.  To know him again.  This is killing me; it aches so deeply.  I feel like I want to climb the walls or scream.  But often I just cry.

I miss having him sit on my couch and touch my face and smile at me and kiss me.  Those kisses.  Ugh- sweet wonderful kisses.  Hours of kisses.  And I want to kiss him again so much.  He is the best kisser and I ache for his touch and his kiss.  It is actually painful, this longing.  And I can't help it.  It is always there, the desire to feel his hands on me, to see his smile, to hear his voice and laugh.  I would love to hear James laugh again.  He has a cute laugh!  And we laughed a lot.  It was so fun being with him, fun.  Because he is friendly and funny and personable.  And he made me laugh.  He made me feel totally comfortable and safe.

Safe.  I felt safe with him, very safe.

It was my own personal heaven having him in my life.  I cannot get past that.  I miss him.  I want him in my life so much.  I miss having him in my life like I did.  He is wonderful.  He is a gift.  Of course I miss him and want him back- who wouldn't?  He treated me like I am precious.  He showed me how much he loves me.  He said the sweetest kindest things to me.  He was generous and kind.  He took the time and made an effort to see me; he made me a priority.  He showed me that he wanted to be with me, that he valued me and thought I was just as wonderful.

I hurt inside.  This aches.  It aches in a way I can't find the right words to explain.  Like something really important and special is missing from my life, and it is irreplaceable.  He is irreplaceable.  I want only him.

I love James.

I wish he was here.  I wish I would hear from him soon.  My heart totally aches for him.  I would do anything to hold him and kiss him and share love with him.  I want him with me forever like we talked about. There is nothing more that I want in the entire universe. 


And that is how I feel. 

All I want for Christmas is you.

Jennifer

Stubborn Love

Maybe you could call my love "stubborn love." 

I love this man.  I love him from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night.  And, honestly, I long for the escape of sleep so I go to sleep when my son does but I know I am going to wake a few hours later, thinking.  More thinking.  I can't even explain it.

I was not like this before I met James.  I've always loved hard but not like this.  I was able to let go and move on before.  I care about those people but they are in my past and I am okay with that.  But James?  I love him so much, to where I only want him. And I have never believed in something so strongly.  I believe I am going through some kind of "metaphysical" energetic experience with him.  I can't explain it.  I don't really like the term "twin souls" but we are linked somehow.  No one else out there reflects me like he does.  And I have never loved anyone like this to where nothing matters to me but having him back in my life meaning... nothing that happens {that I don't really like} matters to me, not really.  I will admit some of it is hard to forget although I try really hard not to think of it.  I AM human and my brain rushes off and I have to reign my thoughts in.  But none of those things make a difference to how much I love James or how much I want him back with me.  All that matters to me is him and his love.  I know I will always love him.

But it is these times of quiet that... push me out of my mind.  I go through irritation, frustration, anger over the situation until finally all I really am left with is praying, wishing and trying to stay focused on what I want, those things that are loving and good.  Oh and sobbing or writing on the blog because otherwise I feel like I might explode.

Weird things have been happening to me.  I don't know if they are coincidences or if it is the universe showing me that I will get what I focus on.  The other day I picked my son up from the YMCA and he mentioned something to me.  We talked about this thing for a moment and then the very next day that thing happened.  That very thing, and it was pretty specific.  Also I have noticed if I talk about something or I write about it then I will dream about it.  I know dreams can come from anywhere, from my own mind, but it's just too weird.  I'll write that I want to avoid something, like a habit, and then I will dream of that very thing.  Either it is one big coincidence or else somehow I am thinking/writing/saying something and it is either happening or else I'm dreaming about it.

So what does this show me?  Definitely only focus on what I wish to see more of in my life. 

Do you have an fucking idea how challenging that is?

I am so freaked out about this that I refuse to use specific examples here.  Except to say I would love some extra cash right now to catch up on my finances and to get some things done around my house.  Some home improvements would be really nice.  Paying down some credit.

*sigh*

I'd really love it if James were here with me.  I look back at all of my blog posts and find such deep feeling in them.  I wrote more before.  I don't as much now.  Not in my journals either.  I probably should because when I write I feel.  And I stay more focused as long as I am not being pissy.  Sometimes when I write here and it is all about how much I love him I feel silly.  But it helps me.  I get so much emotional that wells up inside of me and I don't really have anyone to share it with.  I love James so much, and I do miss him.  I remember how sweet he was to me and how hard we fell in love and how wonderful it was to share time with him and then I cry.  I cry because we miss the ones we love when we wish to have those people near us.  I wish he was near me.  I wish I could hold him for a very long time.  I wish I could touch his sweet face and kiss his lips.  I want to see his face again, his beautiful smile.  I want to hear his voice.  I dream of us being like we were when we met, back when this felt real and easy.  It was real.  And easy.  Truth.  We were two nice people meeting and enjoying each others company.  Normal and right.  I look back and it aches to remember how easy it was with him.  He is easy to talk to!  Easy to be with.  Peaceful.  I could talk with him for hours and I felt comfortable with him.  I really did, at ease.  When we were together I felt "home."  He was fun to be with.  Friendly and silly.  We smiled and laughed a lot.  He joked with me but never at my expense.  He was respectful to me, gentle.  Considerate.  My brain just can't comprehend all of this.  James and I are meant to be how we were then.  Together and loving each other.  We should be talking!

And kissing.  We kissed a lot and it was great and I love kissing him.  I am aching to kiss him!

That's what blows mind mind.  We should be talking, kissing, holding hands and being all loving and sweet together.  I've told the universe and I think I've told James that the day I hear from him and he sounds like "himself" again is the day I will believe that what I am being told is "the truth."  The full truth.  I know how the man I met and fell in love with "feels."  He feels soft and understanding. Loving. Warm and caring.  Respectful.  Mature yet kinda silly.  He would be caring and kind to me, and definitely understanding.  Compassionate.  When I hear from that person then I will know I am talking with James, the James I know.  I miss James so very much.

I sound like a broken record I know but seriously I fucking ache to be with him.  I want the truth.  I want who I know he is.  He told me he loves me and to accept that, and I do.  I do accept it but I surely wish I could know him in my life again.  When it comes to this situation what matters to me is him, him and me together.  Us.  I do care about James and his happiness.  I hope wherever he is right now he is happy and doing well.  But I still feel like we are meant to be together, and I know he loves me.  And when you love someone but are away from that person it does not feel good- and I know he misses me.  He said he loves me and always has and he wants me to be in his life.  He's told me he wishes I was with him cuddled in his arms- I know that is the truth.  I want truth now.

And I really can't speak of this to anyone.  There is nothing to say besides I love him.  I do.  I love him and he is the only man I want in my life so I keep on hoping and focusing on what I want which is him.  James.  I wish I would hear from him soon.  I wish I could see him over the holidays.  I want to go on a date with him like we used to, walking and laughing and talking freely, holding hands.  Easy and fun.  That would be the best present ever.  More train kisses.

I keep imagining seeing his face again.  He has a beautiful face.  I thought so from the moment I saw him... bright and shining.  Friendly and cute.  Beautiful.  He's adorable and it really squeezes the fuck out of my heart to think so strongly about him, to want him so much- but I can't help it.  I would do anything to know James again like I did before when things were honest and real between us.  I know we love each other.  Nothing happened to change that love.  It has always been there.  But I really really want to talk with him again.  You have no idea how badly I want to hear my Love's sweet voice.  I pray.  I write.  I sometimes cry and beg God.  Please... I need James back in my life.

And God... I know there is "something" out there that hears me.  It has in the past.  There have been far too many times when I've prayed to "God" and what I have prayed about has shown itself in my life.  So to me that means something is out there and it hears me.  Whether or not I address it is "God" does not make a difference.  Whether or not I address it at all does not matter but old habits die hard so I still talk to "God" because why force myself not to?  And right now I am telling God how much I need James with me.

He once told me he needs me.  He said he needs me in his life.  I feel it is okay for me to say- "I need him."  I really do.  Want or need or whatever- I am not peaceful or content right now.  I try to be as thankful as I can for the blessings in my life but my heart aches for James.  I wish I could be as happy as I was when he was here with me but I know I will only achieve that level of happiness when he is back in my life.  When I can talk with my loving friend again, for real.  I would be so happy to do so.  I would be so happy to look into his eyes and touch his face and kiss him and smile at him and laugh with him again. 

I love James.  I wish he was here with me.  I wish I was looking forward to him coming over to visit me, knowing I'd be able to sit and talk with him and kiss him and laugh with him again.    I wish I could hug him and make him feel good too, show him how much I love him.

I'd really love that, being close with him again.

Jennifer

My Everything

Another song that expresses how I feel.

Today I read something that reminded me so much of James. It sounded like him. Brilliantly expressing an opinion and a response to an article yet respectful. Reading it made me remember what it was like having discussions with him. How he is fact-based and level-headed and has a big warm heart. Memories make me ache.

I began thinking back to all the times we have gotten closer since he has been gone. For a while we'd talk from time to time. And he was sweet. I used to wonder why I would get messages at all hours of the night, like 2AM. He once emailed me the 80's song "Obsession" and told me it made him think of me. He said "You're my obsession Jennifer."

It is hard to realize I had James close many times but I didn't get it. I look back and see how he really wanted to see me and be with me. How we would get on the phone and talk for 4 hours or 3 hours and text for another hour. He told me he loved me and wanted me to be his forever. I think one of the sweetest things he ever told me was that I'm genuine and it is rare and hard to find and he thinks it is what he loves most about me. Genuine.

I'd like to think I'm genuine. Normally with me "What you see is what you get." But I thought it was wonderful that he said he loves me most because I'm genuine. Those are bittersweet memories. I wish I had him back in my life like that, all sweet and warm and sexy and loving and gentle and kind. Fun. He is fun and silly and friendly and sexy all in one. Perfect. I miss my Love.

It is hard for me not to think about how much I love James. I know it has been a while but he is irreplaceable to me. Men like him are the "Once in a lifetime" type. I miss him so much. I think back to when he was here and how he held me and kissed me and how amazing it was to finally see his adorable face again. And to hear his voice and feel his gentle touch. Seeing him again after so long was beautiful. I wish I could see him again. I want to hug him and hold him and kiss him.

I really wish I could hug and hiss him again.

I never knew, before meeting him, that I could ever love a man and miss him as much as I do James.

Good night,

Jennifer