Now

Nearly ever morning I pass where I met James. Nearly every morning I look over and can imagine seeing him walking towards me with a big beautiful smile on his face. It is the same spot where he kissed me goodnight at the end of our first date. It is also the same bar where I met him last year to see him again. I had not been there since I'd met him and I won't go back unless it is to meet him again. My heart would not be able to take sitting there remembering being next to him, smiling and talking. Being blessed with his presence. A few times I have almost stopped in alone so I can close my eyes and imagine meeting him. Silly right? But it was so fucking great to see him walk through that door last spring. To finally see his sweet face again was like a dream come true. Granted I was nervous but still, no matter what, seeing his bright smile and blue eyes and hearing his sweet voice was more than I can explain. It felt awesome.  I wanted touch him. I don't mean like sexual. I mean I was sitting there wanting to touch him and not knowing if I should. A hand on his arm or touching his hand. When he laid his hand on top of mine for a moment it was like an electric shock for me. James has sexy strong hands. I love his hands... they feel amazing.

When we went to my house and sat to talk like we had before, well my mind was pretty blown. It was sweet how he moved because he wasn't on "his side." I enjoyed talking with him but I was nervous. He was fine. Kind. Friendly. I thought I might melt into a puddle of goo each time he made eye contact with me. I can't help it. He is so beautiful to me. Everything about him is beautiful to me. It was like a miracle to finally have him there with me. In my house on my couch like before. We made some small talk, if talking about the space shuttle is small talk.

He is adorable. Seriously.  I miss my scientist.

I'm pretty sure he asked me about my son. I wish I would have shown him a picture of PJ.

I wish he was with us, now.

But then, while sitting on my couch, he pulled me to his chest and held me. And I wish with all my might to go back to that very moment and revel in it fully because at that moment I was out of my mind. But it felt perfect. Right. Good. Us. REAL. Having him hold me in his arms pulled into him felt more right than right. That felt real, like how we should be. That is our truth and I know it. I wish I would have been still. I wasn't. I was nervous and sadly I still feel I was a bit on the defensive. If I ever get that same blessed opportunity again I will sit wrapped in his lovely arms silently while totally enjoying the nearness of him. For that moment I felt safe and comforted with him like the weeks we spent together. Truth.

Then he kissed me. *sigh* 30 months. I had dreamed about kissing him for 30 months. I miss his sweet tender sexy kisses!!! So to feel him turn my face to his and kiss me again was literally, again, a dream come true. I'd asked God to see James again about a million times since I had last seen him. And to kiss him. So feeling his warm embrace and his sweet kisses just like before was enough to nearly make me pass out. It did kinda feel like a dream. Another favorite memory.

Sometimes we have experiences where only we know the truth about what is happening or being felt. I know he loves me. I could feel his love and his desire both even though we didn't say too much which is fine. I was happy to have him back in my arms kissing me again.

I still don't clearly understand how that happened. I only know it did. And he was pretty much the James I knew before. Soft gentle touch. Smiley. Tender. Sweet. He was friendly and good to me. He loved me. I am so grateful that for whatever reason he was able to see me and hold me and love me again.

We are told to "live in the now." To enjoy the right now because it is all we really have. I try my best. Thankfully I have my wonderful child because he makes my life worth living. I think if I was going through this without my son I may have chosen to cut off the planet early.  My "right now" is much much easier to handle having PJ with me. But still my "now" aches. My now needs James in it.

Bringing my old good memories to mind is necessary for me to always remember who James really is and the love we shared together. Truth. Nights and nights full of hours of sweet kisses. Adorable kissing, like two kids making out on the couch. Innocent really. Totally loving each other. Celebrating knowing each other and being close to each other. We liked being close to one another.

We were only good together. And he is my twin soul. My strongest mirror. Out connection is unique. That is why I hold on. That goodness and love between us never ended. And I wish he and our love and goodness was back in my life, now.

Living in the now would be much happier for me if my now had James in it. I miss the love of my life. He is the love of my life. My life would finally feel complete with him in it. His future, like he used to call me. That is what I dream about most, having a future with him.

Jennifer