Quiet

 
My love for James is not something I really talk about anymore.  Especially when my "real life" is so different right now.  I'm pretty quiet about it.  Only those closest to me know what I am feeling side, loving two different people- one who I have not seen or talked to in a long time and one who is here in my reality. 

My feelings are hard to explain, and since I don't talk about them much it's nice to write it out here.   I saw an article today about twin flames.  I did not go searching for it but it popped into my FB feed so I read it.  It is about finding love again after separating from your twin flame.  This is the part that hit me hard: "Yes, the connection and chemistry with a twin flame is a once in a lifetime experience, but that doesn’t exclude that there may be another love waiting to manifest."

My connection and chemistry with James was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  It was giddy and super exciting and I was on a constant high while knowing him.  I will never love that way again.

Also today I saw a video about grieving.  It was actually a very sad video and it hurt my heart because I know this new man in my life will love, miss and grieve his wife for a long time.  But the presenter said something about grief that made an impact on me.  She says "Grief is love that has nowhere to go."  And how true is that?  David knows huge grief after losing his beloved wife.  But you know what?  I've known grief too even though no one dear to me died.

It has been so difficult to love James with all of my heart, to feel all of that love boiling inside of me, and having nowhere to put that love.  No one to give it to since he's not here!  DO YOU KNOW HOW TORMENTING IT IS TO LOVE SOMEONE THAT MUCH, TO HAVE NO ENDING, NO RESOLUTION, AND TO FEEL ALL THAT LOVE BUT NOT HAVE THE PERSON YOU LOVE IN YOUR LIFE?  In your reality?  It sucks.  It hurt SO much.  It made me insane half the time.  It drove me bat shit crazy.  That pain that came from longing to wrap my arms around James and love him, show him the love I have for him, was just too much to handle.  Had there been some closure, and ending that was REAL, then I could have moved on and accepting things much better.  I could have healed from the connection.  I could controlled those intense emotions more- but there was NO ENDING.  No.  There just wasn't.  Only limbo.  That last phone call he made to me when he knew I was suffering.  There was the message telling me that YES I was right, that he did always love me and loved me still... and I was like- I KNEW IT.  I knew all along that he's loved me.

And honestly that is kind of a Hell in and of itself, to know that but still not be able to get and closer!  I wanted to be CLOSE to James!  I wanted him IN my life!  OH MY GOD- torture.

Grief is love that has nowhere to go.

I was trying so hard this past summer.  I'd told myself I was going to be militantly single and determined to be faithful in thought, word and deed to my twin soul.  I honestly had every intention of being the absolute best twin soul partner possible.  I was trying.  But it was not easy.  I did not want to write anymore.  I felt burned out and sad and lonely.  I felt so much stronger and "healed" and unafraid and... dare I say ready for love?  I felt like I was emotionally healthy and ready for love in my life after four years of being totally single.  And I didn't understand or like the fact that I heard nothing from my twin.  No contact whatsoever.  It was so totally frustrating and painful because all I wanted was to lay down beside him and hug him and kiss all the crud away and be close and good to each other.  Or at least a beer together to talk and laugh again.  But instead there was NOTHING, and I am NOT STRONG ENOUGH!  I am not strong enough to go through an entire year of no contact at all and not be in pain or miss him or be aching to hear from him- I am HUMAN.  I want a human normal loving relationship with James.  I wanted him here in my arms- I was so fucking tired of being alone and lonely, and YES I wanted him, and only him.

Instead I met Dave.  And he's so sweet.  He loves me SO MUCH- I am blessed to know him and have him in my life.  I can't help it- I have an outlet for love.  I have a sweet kind loving person to hug and hold and give my love to, and it takes the edge off my ache.  Because I honestly do love David.  If I did not then this would not work with him but for some reason we were meant to meet and be together- and I don't know what to do with this continued love and ache I feel for James inside.

It isn't fair.  I still hurt even while being blessed with huge love.  I still yearn for him.  I still pray for resolution.  When James left the first time he said, "It's not goodbye.  It's until we see each other again."  None of this feels real or normal.  And while I do love Dave and appreciate him, and by God after four years of pain and aching and crazy I am going to fully ENJOY every single second I have with such an angel of a human being.  I am going to enjoy being loved by him, and I am going to enjoy showering him with my strong beautiful healing love.

But that does not mean I don't miss James.  I miss him every day.  I miss him right now.  When I am alone (or not around Dave) it's hard not to think about James.  Believe me there are times when I am with Dave and he says something similar to James and inside I sigh.  I love two men at the same time, in different ways, in different places, and I still miss my twin soul.  We had strong chemistry and connection.  It was... intense and fun and lovely and youthful and so so beautiful, genuine and pure.  Giddy- I felt giddy with James and about James and I know I won't even feel that way about another man, ever.  The love I feel for David is deep and warm but not giddy.  Not like it was with James.

I guess it's just going to be that way.  "I'll Never Love That Way Again" is right.  I can love again, and I am, but it won't ever be the same.  I counted the minutes until he would be in my presence again.  I lost time with him.  The butterflies were huge.  I felt like I was in high school again, and I know he did too.  I miss that sweet love and connection with him.  I miss HIM.  I miss James.  I miss that person.  I miss my friend- and loving his "spirit" or memory was just not enough for me to take away the deep pain I felt.

I believe that if he is not here in my life then the way my life is right now is what is meant to be because it was too hurtful being alone any longer, even though I SO totally was not looking for anyone.  I will always know in my heart that meeting David was on "accident" and I did not go looking for a man as a reaction to something else, to some hurt or feeling frustrated.  I can honestly say I was telling the universe, and other men, that I was in love with someone else so I was not looking to date anyone new.  I tried that with David too even though for some reason he felt more right than anyone else I'd met since James.  But I did tell Dave.  I told him I could not kiss him because there was someone I love, who I'd loved for four years, who I'd been hoping for for four years.  I think that made Dave love me more even though it wasn't my point.  Dave told me he wanted to love me anyway even if I still love someone else, even if I wasn't willing to let go or "move on" and even if I wasn't going to make him any promises of a future.  I wanted him to love me- I wanted to allow him to love me so I have.  And it is beautiful even if he is not my twin soul.  I look forward to actually enjoying the holiday season for the first time in a long time.  These last Christmases have been Hellish for me, and this year I just want to be happy.  I love myself enough that I want to be happy, please.  I just want to be happy and not hurt so so deeply anymore. 

I let Dave love me like he asked me to.  I deserve that.  I deserve to enjoy my right now.  I deserve to enjoy life instead of enduring it, and I was only enduring it before while being totally alone and missing James so deeply, with no other love in my life.  Life is hard to enjoy when you have very little happiness besides all the things you really work to be thankful for, like my friends and my child.  But I cannot kiss deeply or make love... unless it's a loving partner, and I missed that love.  I wanted it to be James, so badly.  But what do you do when no matter how much you try, you text from time to time, you pray, you ache and wish and want yet it doesn't happen- no matter how fucking bad you want it and wish for it, or how deeply you LOVE?  God I still want it to be James.  I love him and miss him.  But I also know that David needs healing and needs me in his life and here I am. 

Because yes- grief is feeling huge love and having no one to give that love to, not in the way you ache to give it.  David feels that way about his wife.  All that love and she is gone.  But here I am, and I am happy to be the recipient of his love.  It is a sweet love.  Listen, not being hugged or touched for four years was okay for a while but I was beginning to yearn for intimacy.  Not sex but intimacy.  Connection.  Deep conversations.  Laughing together.  Kissing and hugging and touching.  I am a loving person, and yes it was Hell feeling all that huge love but not having the object of my affection in my life at all.  I'd try writing it out.  In my journal telling him how much I still love him.  How much I wanted him in my life.  And then in real life working hard to control my human nature- telling myself "I love James- I'm going to do this, stay alone, love only him..."  You have no idea how committed I was to this.

I do still love him.  I have a ton of love for him.  I am sorry for all the shitty thoughts and feelings I used to throw his way by way of my mind and energy and emotions; we are extremely "telepathic" so it makes me shudder to think about how terrible some of that must have felt to him, my anger energy and my doubts and all my fears concerning him.  I feel terrible for all that.  I wish I could have avoided doing it.  I wish I could go back and change things.  I wish I could have kept James with me, in my life.  I wish we would have been together for the last four years, married with a family of our own.  I really wish that was the case.  I still wish to hear from him again.  I can't help that, no matter who or what is in my life.

I love two different men.  Didn't expect it.  Doing my best to balance how I feel and not freak out.  I care deeply for David.  I don't know how to think about the future.  Instead I try to be thankful for today, enjoy today while being as loving and kind in my energy as I can be about both Dave and James.  Even though James is not here and we have not had communication- it is still important to me to love him, send him loving thoughts, and I am not selfless enough to "give up" wanting to hear from him again.  Wanting truth.  Desiring to hold him and have him hold me, hugging.  I miss him.  I can't stop it.  It won't go away.

This has become a very solitary journey for me.  David knows clearly how I feel about James but I try to have respect for Dave's heart too.  So I don't post the songs on FB like I used to, my little shout outs to my twin.  I guess I'll have to do that here.  This is still my blog (after all this time!) recording my feelings about my twin soul and this journey, no matter how things are right now.

Just know that me spending time with a different man, sharing my love with someone else, has nothing to do with anger or resentment towards my twin soul.  It is not a "Well if he's not going to choose to be with me then why wait for him?" type of situation.  Not at all.  I believe James has really loved me.  He fell hard in love with me, and that love never ended.  We did not have an ending.  Nothing happened to end us.  It was... twin soul separation.  But in my heart I believe he loves me and cares about me.  I just wish that he could reach out to me, say hello, and talk to me FOR REAL.  The James I met and knew, loving, kind, caring, understanding, concerned, friendly, funny, gentle and empathetic.  Empathy.

Merry Christmas, darling.  I can dream and in my dreams I'm with you.  I wish it every day.