Thoughts

I don't have much to say so I've been quiet.

It's been since July 2016 that I've had any contact with James.  Still I wish I could speak with him again but "for real" this time.  A normal conversation.  Honest talk like people do. 

My life is blessed and good.  I'm happy.  I'm happier than I've been in a very long time, and for the first time in forever I will have an actual "merry Christmas."  Typically I detest Christmas but this year I am really working on enjoying the holidays and the people I will be spending time with.  In the past it was hard to enjoy Christmas when I felt alone while missing someone dear to me.  I still miss someone dear to me but I am not alone and honestly it does help; I can't lie and say that it doesn't help.  Spending time with someone who is special to me (even if he is not my "twin soul") feels so much nicer than being alone. 

That said, James remains on my mind and in my heart but in more of a peaceful manner than before.  When I begin to feel frustrated that I want to be in contact with him but am not in contact with him I just try to breathe deeply and be thankful that I have someone in my life I actually can talk to and be friends with and share my life with.  I remind myself of my belief that James would speak with me freely if he could.  For whatever reason it seems that hasn't been possible and even if I don't totally understand it I am trying to accept it.  I am desperately trying to accept the ache to know him again, know him as the friendly kind person he was when I met him.  What else can I do?

One thing I don't understand is James would respond to me when I was feeling angry, bitter, scared, resentful, focused on negative stuff, etc.  And he'd show me that when I'd hear from him even though all those feelings were private to me meaning James didn't, in real life, know them.  It was "not of this world."  I accept that.  But why is that now I try to focus on goodness and being nice and kind and staying out of anger, being thankful, really working to stay loving and peaceful- and I hear nothing from my "twin soul mirror?"  THAT is the part that can unnerve me if I think about it too long.  I feel like if this is a twin soul thing, and if twin souls mirror us, then show me the effort I've made in being as tempered and kind as I can.  I'm honestly not asking for much.  I just want to talk to this person again and know him as the man I met.  No matter the outcome.

I've never liked, and never will like, the cut off of communication with James.  To love someone so much and know him and be with him and kiss him and make love with him and long to have him back has just been too much for my heart to handle.  I remember how he used to smile at me and then gently touch my face and bring me to him for a kiss.  That gentle smile.  His soft touch.  It still hurts.  I don't talk about this because it hurts.  I still battle with drinking too much, and I only drink to numb the ache I still feel over missing James.

I don't know.  I don't know what to think.  I love James and having no resolution or reconciliation is unacceptable to me.  I don't understand why.  I am not here claiming anything about a future with him.  All I ask for is TRUTH.  Honesty, no matter what the truth is! 

I can no longer focus on dreams with him or a life with him.  It does not fit with the life I am living right now.  Yes I really had hoped to share the life with him that we talked about back then.  I held on to that dream for a long time even if my fears messed it up.  Still my heart always wanted to be with James.  I'm human.  I had fears and negative emotions just like we all do.  But MY emotions, MY fears, MY worries and doubts and anger- James may have had to reflect that back to me but I refuse to believe MY shit somehow eradicated HIS love for me!  I just don't believe that, and I know he fell in love with me, and I know that nothing "real life" ever happened between us for him to stop loving me.  NOTHING.  James took a picture of himself holding a sign that said, "I LOVE you Jen!" right before the "quiet" began.  It's never been normal, never seemed real.  I still cannot get over that.  I can't embrace or accept our separation as "normal" when it never was.  I don't see this from a normal human perspective, and I won't ever do so.  I won't ever see him as a runner or wanting to leave me or staying quiet because he doesn't want to talk to me.  I know that is not the truth.  I don't hurt because I feel disregarded or ignored.  I hurt because I miss this man who meant so much to me, and I'm finding it impossible to forget him or let it all go completely because I need more.

I need some type of closure.  Whatever that might be- I need it. 

Truly I do work almost daily to reaffirm the blessings in my life.  Only here on my blog to I mention this stuff anymore.  In my "real life" I practice being thankful and positive and loving.  I'm not perfect but I'm staying aware of what I focus on.  I don't want to focus on missing someone!  Instead I want to focus on enjoying my blessed life.  I want to focus on being happy!  At the same time I'd really love to be able to meet with James and sit down to talk with him for a while, talk like we used to in the beginning when to me he was just this really sweet adorable friendly smart guy I was "lucky enough" to meet. 

I read something the other day.  It said twins like myself should write out what this journey has taught us.  I can tell you it has taught me a ton.  It was useful, yes.  I utterly refused to believe that my energy affected my life before I met James.  But once the strong mirroring started and kept happening, and then started happening so swiftly until it became almost immediate- that was when I could no longer ignore the fact that it was "cause and effect" happening between us, and I was controlling it.  I knew that if I wanted to escape what felt like Hell on earth then I had to no longer allow myself to focus on the things I was focusing on.  And viola!  Once I was strong and aware enough to stop focusing on what I shouldn't- it all stopped.  The stuff that didn't feel good stopped happening.  So now, over four years later, I FINALLY have accepted that my energy very much does affect my life, and lately it affects my life pretty quickly so I am trying to keep my energy GOOD. 

So yes this journey taught me that manifestation is real and for some of us it is very strong.  Knowing James showed me this.  I can say that I am thankful to James for going through this with me.  I can say that I love HIM.  I love my twin soul, and I know I always will.  But that is all I can say without being negative.  I can appreciate what this has done for me.  I can appreciate that had I not had all the shit energy and anger in me then it would not have felt so horrid so really it's all on me.  I understand that.  I can tell James' higher self that I love James fiercely.  Always will.  I will always believe that he loved me dearly and he walked away from me when he didn't want to do so and it hurt him to leave.  I believe that.  I know most people would tell me I'm wrong or delusional but I KNOW my truth, and it hurts!  It hurts because we were very sweet and happy together.  It was, as he has even said, the start of a real loving beautiful relationship.  I still mourn this.  I still grieve James- I still love him.  I feel like someone I grew hugely attached to just disappeared out of my life, and how does a person EVER come to terms with that, or heal from it?  How, really?

*sigh* It helps to have someone loving and good in my life because I do have all of this love and it overwhelms me.  But sometimes it does feel like I am giving someone new the love I feel for James, plus love I feel for this new human being in my life.  David is easy to love and he's hurting and needs me in his life and it just IS.  I don't totally understand it but it's good and loving and necessary.  I feel like I was shown to go with it and I am.  But that doesn't mean knowing David somehow magically erases how I feel about James.  I still love him and miss him and wish I could see him.  I wish I could hug James.  I wish we could hug each other.  I wish I could know my friend again.

I like that- "May love be what you remember most." 

Jennifer