Good Powerful

Damn I wish I could go back to five years ago knowing what I know now about the power of thought, emotions and manifestation.  I would have brought James into my life and kept him there.  But five years ago I had no idea.  I just prayed very heavily for what I wanted and then he came to me.  So I attracted and allowed to me what I asked for.  He must have been asking for something similar (he told me the had "hoped and wished" for a woman like me and then I came to him.)  Sad part is since I had deep-seated fears concerning "not being worthy enough for a good man to want to keep me forever" I ended up sending him out to my life.  I know I created that.  Now if James were to read this all he'd probably remember is making the choice to move away, and then going quiet, and then some coming and going and and and.  I don't think he'd realize that the opportunity for him to go away partially came about because I worried about him going away.  I think mainly the opportunity happened because I accidentally created it.  *sigh*  Sucks, right?

It still hurts.  I don't like to focus on what I did, and I no longer get mad at myself because I did not know.  I see how some force, a force I call "my higher self," tried to show me the RIGHT way, the way of joy and happiness and true love, but I was too scared to grasp what I was being told.  I give my higher self a lot of credit for trying so hard.  When I reflect back on it all- I want to weep.

Regret is a difficult emotion.  I regret what I did because a dear man I fell very hard in love with disappeared from my life and the loss has left a hole in my heart that no one else can ever fill, not totally.  I explained this to the man who is in my life right now.  A while back we discussed this and I told him- it just hurts because no one and nothing else can ever fill this space that is left from James being gone.  He said he understands, and I know he does.  He is not a "replacement."  He is instead a different love in my life.  A good love, but quite frankly it is not the same, and it still aches, deeply.

I want anyone who reads my blog to understand that I don't write that often because, well, it still hurts.  I am not sure what to say.  James is still on my mind daily.  I still miss him.  I still ache to see him.  I still dislike what happened between us and despite it teaching me (finally) that manifestation is 110% REAL (and that I'd better respect it and live my life by its rules) I can't help but long for what I lost.  I appreciate what I've learned but I still grieve him.  I mourn losing him.  I don't know if that will ever go away.

I've said before on here, I love two men.  One is sweet, kind, loyal, easy, adores me entirely and is physically here in my life.  I suppose he is my mirror too.  I am a good loveable person and he shows that to me.  But I also still love James.  And David is not James.  I can't really help that there are times I miss James' particularities so much that I cry.  It was different.

So please don't read my blog and think I somehow "got over it" or "left it behind."  I have not.  I don't know how.  Knowing James, and all the stuff that happened for like three and a half years, made too much of an impact on my life for me to "get over it."  I did not "let go" when I allowed another love into my life. 

Quite honestly I just let myself be loved by a good man, but still a good man who is not the man I wanted most.  That is honesty.

I tried hard.  I feel I tried to the best of my ability to use my energy and love and anything I thought was right to "magically" be with James again.  It wore me down and the lack of him in my life made me really sad, and sometimes the sad feeling, the hurt, made me mad.  The addition of David in my life makes living far more enjoyable again.  Even though he is not James.  That's the brutal truth.  I don't think I could continue to survive alone while longing and aching and hurting over someone who was not here.  I needed that love in my life.  I care about David.  I love him.  At the same time it is not the same.  I don't need to tell Dave this- he already knows without it being expressed in words.  Just like I know I am no replacement for his dear late wife yet there is no reason for him to say it out loud.  I suppose in the end "love heals" pain.  Dave's love has helped heal some of my pain but it has not lessened the love and longing I have for James.

That leads me to sharing that I still hope to see James again.  I will admit that I sometimes get torn over this.  But Dave has told me he supports me seeing James and talking to him.  He knows I love James and I need SOMETHING.  We don't discuss it in depth.  David knows, clearly, that I have (and he does too) some kind of "manifestation" power, and he does not take it lightly.  He watches me attempt to live my life from a place of being kind in my heart and mind, even about those who "push my buttons."  I am not perfect but when I go off track I try to get myself back on quickly.  I do this because I CLEARLY KNOW what the power of my negative thinking can do to my life.  I know amazing effects amazing positive kind loving thinking can have on my life- so I try hard to maintain that kind energy.  Like right now I am dealing with an on-going issue with one of my employees.  This person used to be my equal and she threw me under the bus repeatedly.  When our old director retired and I was blessed with a new fresh start this person, the employee in question, went to the new boss and aired all my past "stuff" to her although I was working very hard (and praying for, affirming and journaling) towards creating a good new positive start for myself at work.  In the end her steps backfired on her because it made her look bad.  And since that time I am now the new director, and I am her direct supervisor.  I have to be very VERY conscious of my intentions with her because her work performance is simply not "up to par."  I have been praying, affirming, that I wish the best for her but I also need her to either perform or find a job she enjoys better than this one.  What I try to be very aware of, though, are my EMOTIONS and INTENTIONS concerning her.  I've had to give her constructive criticism and now will most likely need to take it further, formally documenting negative performance.  But I tell God that I forgive her for our past and all I want is for her to perform well and with respect.  That is all.  And if she cannot do that (she does not like her job much) then hopefully something she likes better, that maybe even pays more and is closer to her home, will come available to her.  I watch my intentions closely so I don't slip into anything dark.  I cannot help it that "real life" steps have to be taken that might not feel good to her but I try to do them with the best of intentions.  I hope to give her the push necessary to taker her job (career really) more seriously or find something different that would fulfill her life more.  Unfortunately there are not many jobs out there that pay people to sit on the beach, ha, but if there is one I hope she finds it.

I explain this because intention is very important.  Emotions are super important.  If I were to be kind to her face but black in my energy towards her, or hating on her in my conversations about her, etc., then it is not only unfair and hurtful but also it would create bad shit for my own life, and I am not willing to do that.  So I try my best.  But David knows this and sees me try.  It is not always easy trying to live from a place of goodness always.  Let me tell you.  I flipped someone a hard bird the other day, and I yelled at a woman in the store who was shaking her head at me because I was reprimanding my child for asking me for something for the 27th time.  I told her to come shake her head at me in my face, and that I am not raising an asshole child so I WILL correct him if I want to, even in public (and all I was doing was telling him to PLEASE STOP while I was trying to focus on the task at hand, that task being buying us a freaking pool!)  I'm not Mommy Dearest but I do correct him when I need to, and apparently society does not like this and thinks we should simply coddle our children and let them speak out of turn and give them every single thing they ask for even when they've been told "Do not touch ONE MORE THING while we are shopping today!"

On that note though, I never say bad shit to my kid.  Well, I do tell him "You are making me nuts right now!  Please be quiet just for a bit!" because (like me) he is an incessant talker but he also makes noises, unconsciously.  Normally I am okay with it and realize it is just who he is, and OMG he is a super dear loving kind fun amazing brilliant creative social friendly funny endearing adorable little man!  He is SO super friendly, kind and wonderful!  But he's also special.  He discusses stuff a lot.  He "imagines" and then shares all the stuff he's working out in his brain.  The stuff he wants to build, the train depot he wants to own when he's older, on and on.  Once in a while though I can't focus when he's talking and... anyway this weekend I yelled at a lady who was standing in line and told her to "mind her business" because I'm going to parent how I choose to.  Yet I parent well.  I do have to reroute his loveable behavior at times but my son knows I mean well.  He tells me all the time that I am the best mom in the world, and he knows I do not say "mean" things to him.  I can get a little frustrated sometimes, lol, but I just say stuff like "Come on man move faster, let's go!" and I don't use words like stupid, etc.  Or bad boy.  I never call him a bad boy, ever.  Words hold power.

But again, I am not perfect.  I just try to brush myself off and move on quickly.  And keep good intentions.  That is why I journal my affirmations often to keep my thoughts straight.

So, this Neville Goddard.  If you are interested in knowing about manifestation and what to do in order to attain a happy blessed future then read about him.  One thing I want to stress is this- YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WHAT WE HAVE DEEMED AS PERFECTLY IN ORDER TO BE BLESSED.  You can eat a cheeseburger or cake.  You can relax all day.  You can take a mental health day and indulge in a massage.  You can have a beer.  If it does not actually harm you (think hard drugs or unprotected sex with someone that is going to leave you feeling less than good about yourself tomorrow) then do it.  Do what makes you happy.  It is the feeling of joy from the act that brings about goodness- and be thankful for the thing bringing you joy, even if it is a delicious slice of Chicago pizza.  If going to church brings you happiness then go for it!  But if you go to church out of obligation or guilt, and if you dread it and hate going- then do NOT do it.  Understand?  Same with working out.  If you work out and hate every single minute of it then either find a way to enjoy it or find a different way to get your exercise, maybe swimming or biking. 

Neville Goddard in the image above said don't worry about how it comes to you.  Just know what you want, and feel that thing.  Know the dream you have.  And don't worry about how it will come to you because a power bigger than the "human you" will make it happen.  So this is how I think about wanting to see James again and having a good talk with him, or even wanting to have him in my life again.  I cannot worry about how that would all work out.  If I do I will get scared or fret.  Instead I am trying to just allow myself to feel how good it would be to see his bright smiling face again and have him hug me with love and care.  To hear his gentle voice and see his blue eyes and hear him speak kind loving words to me again, like he once did- that would feel SO right, so good and so amazing after all this time, knowing the kind loving dear man I met.  I tell myself even if it is the only thing I can do, recalling his goodness, affirming who I know he truly is, even after all this time, and holding onto the hope of seeing him, knowing how wonderful it would be- maybe one day my heart's desire will be shown to me again, how I remember him from when we met on my 40th birthday under the blue moon.

xxoo

Jennifer

Manifestation

I remember when my guidance told me that my life was like that of a butterfly and at that moment, about six years ago, I was crawling low to the ground like a caterpillar but one day I would go through a metamorphosis and transform into a butterfly so I would have wings and could fly.

Then I met James and he told me he had a dream that I was really a butterfly and not a homo sapien, and I almost shit myself!  Oh, how magical life has been for me.  But oh... how I had utterly no idea what was to come!

For anyone who might read this I want to make a few comments on energy and manifestation, and this is all from experience, things that are happening to me.  Take what you will (if anything!) and leave the rest behind.

1. Focus: Anything you focus on, the energy associated with that thing, can and will come back to you somehow.  Over the last year I've sliced a bunch of stuff out of my life.  I pay no attention to politics.  I give no energy to Donald Trump.  I learned that when I read things about him, stuff that upsets me or angers me, things that make me dislike him, it "brews" a very negative energy for me and this attracts chaotic shit in my life.  An example- if I read an article and get pissed off, maybe comment on the article and really feel a negative emotion about it then later that day or maybe the next day I might have a negative interaction with someone.  Like someone in my life might argue with me or be shitty to me.  But that only happens when I've (prior) allowed myself to focus on shit energy.  So now I pay it no attention at all.  I can't change the world.  I'm no social justice warrior.  I try not to have a negative judgment on anything.  I strive to be kind/loving and if I cannot achieve that then neutrality is better than shifting over into negativity/bitterness/hatred/resentment/anger. This means I've unfollowed or unfriended lots of people on social media because I do not want to see or read most of the shit that is shared on there.  It is all re-posting the bad stuff happening in the world and I don't need that.  It is not good for my energy.  I am mindful of all things I give my focus to because I know that I could dream about it later or some example of that thing will show up in my life.  So why not ensure I am ONLY focused on goodness, peace, love, abundance, etc.?  No, I am not sticking my head in the sand.  I am not "avoiding" reality.  I am no Pollyanna.  If something is affecting my REAL LIFE, my own personal life or my son's life or someone close to me then of course I will address it.  I will try to be as neutral inside as I can be as I address it.  But overall I do avoid reading about or listening to stories about or watching on TV anything negative happening in the world.  Instead I put my energy into my own life, into my child, into focusing on "creating" happiness and joy and prosperity in my life.  And to do this I must embrace the moment, be grateful for all the blessings I have right now, focus on what I want to see more of come into my life: peace, beauty, creativity, friendship, love, abundance, etc. On FB I only share funny stuff, positive things, photos of my child, some of my art, etc. 
2. Affirmations: I try to daily do my affirmations.  I do it to create goodness in my life, to be thankful, to keep in mind my blessings, to override any shit energy that could be lurking, and to attract to me more goodness- I do it as a protective measure because I know it works.  I know if I tell the universe "My life is awesome and every day just gets better and better" and if I don't do anything during the day to negate that affirmation then yes my life will get better and better.
3. Mindfulness: I have to be mindful to not speak shit about anyone or anything.  I seriously must live from a place of kindness.  Now this does not mean I must take shit from someone.  If a person was to be treating me badly or draining me of energy then I could, and have, cut contact with that person but with neutrality.  I don't have to hate on someone if I just can't handle having that person in my life.  I've had to do this recently with someone I know.  Her life is always full of chaos.  And she reaches out to me for help, for emotional support, and I don't have it to give her anymore.  I've backed off her and told her I can't continue to keep up communication with her because she drains me, she's always hurting or in need and I can't help her- she needs to help herself.  I wish the best for her though.  But I must be mindful not to feel resentful or shitty towards anyone, no gossip, etc.  None of that is good energy.  It is not fair, not nice and it does not bring goodness to anyone let alone me.
4. Protecting Your Energy- all of the above are examples of this.  I say no when I don't want to do something.  I make time for self-care.  Me and my son come first.  I love myself and have no problems not going somewhere or doing something that I know I don't want to do, I avoid what I know will frustrate me, I don't agree to visit with people or kids who will annoy the piss out of me.  I am protective of ME.  And that is OKAY.  It goes back to not wanting to watch gross stuff on TV or read bad stuff.  I want to be surrounded with peace, light and goodness.  I have the right to make that choice and I do.  And if it means stepping back from someone not good for my energy or backing off from chaos or... checking out from most of society then I am okay with that.
5. Nurture What You Love: Instead make sure to focus on what you enjoy and love in life.  Surround yourself with colors you like, music that sounds lovely to you, little trinkets and things that bring you joy and add beauty to your life.  Do those things you like to do even if it means going out for a cupcake and coffee or having a martini.  Getting a pedicure.  Going out for a round of golf.  Yoga (ha ha ha.)  Riding a bike.  Taking a walk.  Going fishing.  Laying in bed lounging around on a lazy morning.  Taking a nap.  Doing some art, sketching, painting.  Writing, researching your favorite places, daydreaming about where you want to travel to- anything that brings you joy and feels GOOD to you are the things you should have in your life.  This is the stuff you should make a priority in life.  Be with the people who feel good to you, who raise you up, who treat you with genuine respect and love.  Get a puppy.  Buy some cute earrings.  Ride a Tilt-A-Whirl.  Swing on the swings.  Laugh with a child.  Make fart jokes... And also affirm your love and gratitude for those things, events, pets and people that are blessings in life that bring you joy.  
6. Love Yourself: This is not a cliche' saying.  Let me explain why loving yourself and thinking good things and affirming good things about yourself is so important.  Due to "Law of Attraction" whatever you say about yourself, or think strongly about yourself, will be "proven" to you through some person in your life or an experience- and how do experiences typically happen in life?  Through intereactions with other people.  Other people in your life will be "used" to show you how you feel about yourself.  So if you think to yourself (and I've had this happen to me!) "Wow I am starting to look old" then what will happen is you will bump into someone who might say something to you like, "Wow!  Are you feeling okay?  You're looking a little tired today, older than usual."  With me what happened is I started worrying that I am looking older and when I went to pick up my son from daycare someone asked me if I am his GRANDMOTHER.  This happened twice in a row!  And honestly I look younger than my age. 
   
   So again, it is more than just trying to force you to love yourself because "it's the right thing to do."  No, it's way more powerful than that.  If you hate on yourself, think badly of yourself, do hurtful things to yourself, then you will only attract people into your life who will treat you the way you treat yourself.  Imagine the magic that is possible when you start shifting that around to the positive!  Try telling yourself that you are beautiful inside and out.  That you are a good kind loving person.  You are amazing and everyone who meets you realized you are a beautiful shining ball of endearing joy and grace.  You are endearing and highly loveable.  You love yourself and in turn all people love you.  Even if it hurts at first.  Even if it makes you cry.  Even if it is scary and uncomfortable to say these good things about yourself- DO IT.  The universe is just begging you to, waiting for you to do so that way it can serve all of those things right up to you!  The universe cannot give you anything you do not ask for first and we ask through prayers, wishes, affirmations, declarations, etc.   Whether or not it is the universe doing it for us, or if there is no "middle man" and we are doing it ourselves through what we attract to us through our energy- you will only get in return what you send out.  People in your life will only be able to treat you how you treat yourself.  Whatever you believe, or worry about, or dwell on, or focus on or read about or talk about- only THOSE THINGS can manifest further into your lives.  Keep that in mind.  Be MINDFUL.
7. Go All Out: Make some really over the top affirmations.  Manifest the best for yourself.  Every day life gets better and better.  Everything I touch turns to wonderfulness.  I am successful in every single thing I do.  Life always turns out in my favor.  God protects me every step of my life.  I am surrounded by peace joy and love.  My life overflows with an abundance of love, peace, joy, prosperity.  Money flows freely into my life from all different angles and manners.  I always have more than I need, enough to even share.  Etc. Etc.  Focus on what you dream of.  Banish any other "lesser" thoughts and don't let your focus go to bad scary dark shit, ever.
8. Be Gentle On Yourself: We are all souls walking around in a human shape, our packaging.  Love your packaging.  Be gentle to yourself.

Right now, just as I am writing this, I received an email.  This message is letting me know that my town is going to reimburse me the 2500.00 I had to put out to remediate a flood in my basement.  I've been working months to get this done, and just now- as I wrote all of this out about money coming to me from all places and life working out to my benefit- the message telling me they will pay me came through.  Yippee!  And no coincidence.  I am positive of it.

So there are some of my life experiences in shifting my thinking around.  I pray for all of you, anyone who has read my blog or is going through this twin soul/ twin flame experience, please know ALL OF YOU are strong manifestors.  And you can manifest Heaven or Hell for yourselves.  Because for some reason we have crazy strong energy.  Please err on the side of love, kindness and gratitude.  Even if something entirely shitty is happening in your life right now!  You have to address that situation with neutrality.  Get it cleaned up.  But give it no emotion.  Don't bitch about it.  Don't dwell on it.  Instead while you are working on fixing it start affirming anything good you can about your life and this will "shift" happenings in your future.  Even if you are sad an missing your twin, be sad that is okay.  But don't dwell on shit.  Don't focus on badness.  Love your twin, hope to be with him but at the same time make sure to try so so hard to focus on goodness (not anger, not resentment, not complaining about him or some event that happened, etc.- do not affirm or focus on anything that does not feel good when it happens- learn from it, have no reaction, give it no energy and affirm something better to shift it around) even in the midst of your sadness.

Best to you,

Jennifer

Depression and Anxiety

https://bloomsandbubbles.blog/2018/06/08/depression-isnt-sadness-and-suicide-isnt-a-cry-for-help-by-steve-safran/

I read the above article and damn, it hit home for me.

There has been too much on my mind lately to post it all here.  My life is good.  I am happy.  Life is happy.  I am not "perfect" but I try really hard to keep my mind in a place of goodness at all times, and again I am not perfect.  I actually feel kinda bad right now because sometimes I still can feel some odd resentment towards one of my friends, and I need to get past it.  My constant goal is to each day work more and more to have only good thoughts, good words spoken, good intentions made, towards everyone.  And if there is someone in my life who is not meshing well with me then it is time to let that person go but with love or neutrality, not with anger or pissiness.

I read this article today and while I try not to look backwards at my life it caused me to remember some of my darkest times.  I've had to battle through so much pain and darkness, all pretty much internal, and knowing James, the whole mirroring thing, was what, in the end, finally pushed me to the breaking point.  It was to a point where I had to choose between consciously changing my focus, avoiding negative thinking, working hard to know what I did NOT want to focus on and then avoiding those things like the plague.  Because I know whatever I focus on will come to me- I will get evidence of it in my life, and for a while James was the one who showed me that.  It was hard and it hurt so bad that it was to a point where I either was going to die from killing myself or else I was going to believe what was happening and work VERY FUCKING HARD to change it.

Once I made some solid changes the mirroring from James stopped.  Immediately.  Totally.  The sad part to me is all contact stopped.  And I still miss him.  And I have unanswered questions.  Sometimes I wonder was he just here to "heal" me and show me what I needed to change, and when that happened- will I ever see him again?  This thought... I can't accept it.  I tell God that I need to see James again.  We need to hug each other.  We have been through a lot together and I just want to hug him for a while.  No one can understand it if that person has not been through it.  He showed me my demons, my dark thoughts, my irrational anger, my fears, my backwards beliefs about love, about him and about myself so boldly that I could not escape the "wrong thinking" and I was forced to start doing whatever I could to shift it around.

Life is much different now but I have not forgotten those dark moments explained in this article. I typically don't think about it- no reason to go there.  Those were bad times where I almost killed myself due to my own bad thoughts and pain, and I missed James so much and it hurt terribly; I was scared, confused, had doubts, couldn't affirm correctly and just kept creating Hell for myself until I just wanted to die because it hurt SO FUCKING BAD.  I remember the night I sat at my table alone with an unopened bottle of whisky while screaming at an invisible entity, hitting myself, telling God I wanted to die, to just kill me already, that I could not take the pain anymore.  I begged God to take some of my pain.  I was SO READY to drink the whiskey.  And had I drank the whiskey in the state I was in I would have also taken the bottle of sleeping pills I had there with me.  I know I would have.  I feel so so bad for that poor woman.  The Hell I went through trying to "heal."  My guidance spoke clearly to me then, even through my irrational crazed pain.  What a miracle, right?  It was gentle.  It told me to please just go to bed.  It begged me- please just go to bed.  Don't drink the whiskey.  Go to bed.  It knew if I drank the whiskey I'd take the pills so it asked me to please go to bed.  So I did.  Crying, snotty, shaking, angry as a pissed off hornet, sad, aching- I fell asleep instead of drinking the whiskey which would have most likely lead to my son coming home the next day to find me dead.  I've been through a lot.  I DO feel a lot of compassion for myself and for that reason I love myself and am gentle on me.  I am one of the lucky ones.  My personal demons did NOT get the best of me (thanks to help from my higher self and my twin soul.)  It was Hell though.  I can't sugar coat it.  I got through it but I dragged my twin along with me, and that still breaks my heart.  It aches.  We shared this beautiful bright loving happy healthy start to a real good love relationship.  We were head over heels in love.  Can't wait to see each other.  Can't keep our hands off each other.  Always kissing.  Middle of the night texts and emails.  Hours and hours on the phone.  Giddy.

And then gone.  I've overcome a LOT.  But I have still not overcome the fact that he disappeared from my life but the love stayed and there were no real-life answers or resolution.  It feels like unfinished business.   I understand fully that it was not his intention but instead it was mirroring.  I know many other people are going through this, and the world and its people are not what I thought it was before.  I don't blame him.  I am stronger now.  I see more clearly.  I don't let myself get angry- not worth it.  Anger is a shit energy.  I have a level of awareness I never thought I'd achieve.  I have full belief in the power of manifestation and energetic attraction.  I have to use affirmations, meditating on paper, always overriding any negative thinking with positive affirmations, living from a place of choosing to be kind, focusing on my blessings, etc. in order to keep my life balanced and happy and continuing to create goodness for myself- and it works.  And I am thankful for that.  I believe something out there did its best to try and help guide me to making the right choices that would bring me love instead of pain, even if I did not often listen.  It did try to help me and must love me.  Sometimes I do wonder if it is just "me" on some other level, like in "Interstellar."  I love myself, and I have compassion for what I've been through.  It was a lot of pain, and I am sure it was not great for him either.  He is a sweet kind man.  In the end he did a lot for me, exactly how my guidance told me he would.  For that reason (even if he doesn't know or understand it like I do and he very well might not and that's okay) I will always love him and wish him well.  The hard part is I still love him from a place of "I sure wish I could see his smiling face again, like it was when we met."  I wish we could talk and hug.  I wish I could see him smile at me again.  I wish I could hear his kind loving gentle voice say hello and ask me, genuinely, how I've been.  I wish we could talk totally openly like friends, laughing and comfortable.  He is still so important to me and to love someone so much but have no contact with him is not easy.  It aches.

I wish him well though.  I hope he is happy and life is treating him well.  I hope he has lots of love in his life like I do.  I have a good blessed life with good kind people who love me a lot, who treat me well.  I hope he does too.  But I miss him still.  And I hope that one day we can hug each other for a long long time.

XXOO- I hope anyone who reads this is doing well.

Jennifer