Roses Are Red

This song really speaks to how I feel about James.  It's a sweet song and she has a lovely unique and powerful voice.

I miss him.  So much.  I cry every night.  I wear eye makeup during the day to remind myself that I can't cry all day long.  And I don't know if it is wrong or not but I can't really help it.  I can't stop it.  I love him so much and I miss him with every cell in my body, every fiber in my being.  If there is such a thing as an ache in the heart, then I have it.  I know it well.  My poor little heart aches for him every minute that I am awake. And the thing is I don't think I have much choice.  My choices are to either miss him and feel it, allow it, or else I'm going to have to shut down and turn away and stop all of it.  As in move on, and I can't do that.  So I am going to feel the ache and there is not much I can do about it.

Because I love him. 

I wish he was with me right now.  I wish he was here holding my hand and smiling his cute little smile, making me laugh with his silly friendly affectionate nature.  I wish I was looking forward to him coming over this evening to sit and... kiss me passionately and lovingly for hours like we used to.

Heaven.

He always held my hand too, always.  God- I wish I could hold his hand again. 

Also, I'd written a few recent blog posts and deleted them.  I don't feel comfortable right now sharing much of anything besides just expressing how much I miss him through a few songs or words here and there, so my apologies.

Stay strong my friends,

Jen

Twin Souls Who Are Married to Others

Blessings David!  

I stumbled across this picture of David Bowie and his beloved wife Iman today as I was reading about him and their life and love together.  My heart goes out to her at this sad time.  But look at this photo of them together!  Doesn't it just make you smile, like totally smile!?  SUCH huge love there!  The love they have for each other shines through in this picture.

People who are married to each other are supposed to be HAPPY together.  This happy!!!  IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER happy.  Two people should stay married out of real strong love for one another.  Not out of a sense of duty.  Not for the children.  And not, for the love of all things holy, to stay faithful to a legal promise or because you mistakenly said, "Till death do we part."  Relationships between people change.  People grow, sometimes together, sometimes apart.  My point is not all marriages are meant to last or will last even though society tells us we are supposed to be "stick it out" and "try harder."  Some marriages and love together grown stronger over time.  Some does not.  That is the honest truth.

I was married and God showed me I was no longer meant to be married and life happened and my marriage ended because it was meant to.  

My feeling about people who are married and then meet their twin souls is this: it's meant to make you TOTALLY examine your marriage to see if its time has come to an end.  SOUL will push you to end a human "contract" if the soul contract has ended.  

Many people have this idea about the twin soul union that the universe will do all the work for you.  That if you mind your p's and q's and do everything "right" then the universe will shift things around and BAM all the pieces will fall into place and then your twin can miraculously be in your life.

My feeling is no, it does not work this way.  You are going to be forced to make those hard decisions to make room for even the possibility for your twin to be with you in the future.  And the decision is going to have to be made for YOU- not for you to "for sure" be with your twin.  Meaning scary choices have to be made, like the choice to be alone instead of stuck in an unfulfilling marriage.  I had to make the final decision to end my marriage.  I had to look him in the face and say, "This has to end.  I need you to move out."  Was it hard?  Fuck yeah.  We had a two year-old toddler son at the time.  I DREAMED of a "happy family" with my husband but it was just not going to happen.  For us to stay together I would have had to compromise a huge part of myself, my heart, and my dreams.  And my soul was absolutely not willing for that to happen.

And neither was my husband's soul.  At the moment my past husband and current friend and my sons' dad is happily with another woman.  They live together and she adores him, and I really hope they get married one day.  He seems happy and that is SO good because he was not happy with me.  I wished we could be happy together, and there was a time early on when we were.  But then we were not happy.  We coexisted.  And guess what finally had to happen for it to change?  

I met a soul mate and fell in love with him.  And even though I knew I did not have a future with that man it showed me that I could no longer stay with my husband.  It was not quite as easy as that.  Spirit really had to work with me to get me to finally make the decision to end the marriage, but end it I did.  My guidance told me everything would work out for the best.  I was told my husband would actually be happier in the end, that he was not happy with me.  But who wants to get a divorce, right?  Yet in an unhappy marriage SOMEONE has to make that scary decision.  And it is BIG and it is scary but it has to be made.

So... a married person meets her twin and it's amazing and she's in love, and not with her husband, and then the twin disappears.  Why?  Well it is my opinion that the universe is now asking you to do the hard work.  God is not going to reach down with his magic wand and end your marriage.  You are going to have to be the one to do that, and most likely WITHOUT the affirmation of love from your twin or knowing you will have a future with your twin. 

It's going to have to be a leap of faith done with the knowledge that no longer being married to your current partner is in the best interest of at least YOU.  That you cannot live a lie any longer.  That you cannot stay married out of a sense of duty, or guilt, or for the kids, or for everyone else who will be disappointed if you leave.  You cannot stay out of a sense of security or for any other reason besides you are HAPPY in your marriage and truly in love.  Not just "I love him as a friend unconditionally." That does not cut it.  Marriage is about two people who are fully in love with each other, not just "making do."  You can be divorced and love him unconditionally.  That's what I did.

I do not judge.  I have a hard time with so-called "spiritual" people who judge infidelity or when a married person falls in love outside of marriage.  Love happens.  "Being in love" fades.  Soul contracts end.  A human marriage continues even when the souls have finished their contract and then things get muddy.  

My feeling is that when you are married and you meet your twin soul it means you are meant to either shit or get off that pot.  If you feel you can fall back in love with your spouse, entirely, then get that shit done.  But if you canNOT find that spark again, if you have to "make do" in any way, shape or form in order to keep that marriage doing then your SOUL is forcing you to find a way out.

Soul, in this time period of quick Awakening, is no longer allowing us to exist in situations that are no longer for our higher good.  And a twin soul will come and go in order to force change.

There is no promise the twin soul will come back.  I know.  But soul is going to force you to make some decision, hard decision, to even give you the space and freedom for a future relationship with a twin soul.  It's going to be a very small percentage of people who are going to be able to stay married and have an intense twin soul "friendship" at the same time with all parties privy to the situation and fine, happy and content with it all.  With everyone honestly truthfully transparently knowing the entire situation and being totally okay with it.  In most cases something is going to have to change.

So, in summary I feel that when a married person meets a twin soul it is to really push the married person to search her soul about her current marriage.  I read farrrrrr too many accounts of these people who try and force their marriages to work after meeting a twin.  It's obvious they are NOT in love with their spouses any longer yet they try and try and try to keep it going for all reasons beyond being in love with that person, and it is sad to me because it means they are sacrificing their own personal happiness to make everyone else, including society, happy.  And once you get a taste of REAL love, soul mate or twin soul love, it's a game changer.  Maybe before you could settle for 3D "love" but not after experiencing the transformational love of a soul mate.  It hurts to try and stay for the sake of everything else but your heart after meeting a soul mate and knowing that wonderful glory and bliss and happiness is what REAL love is meant to feel like.

Soul does not want that for us.  Soul wants us to make the hard decisions.  I was forced to do that before meeting my twin.  But it was a similar situation.  I could no longer exist in my marriage knowing that love like the new one I experienced existed.  Even though I knew I would be alone for a while, or "dating" and dealing with the unknown it was a choice I had to make.  And meeting my soul mate was the definite catalyst for that decision.  I knew I'd rather be ALONE than married and lonely.

The irony is my prior husband is happily in love with his girlfriend, and I met my twin soul.  And if you've read my blog you know the rest.

'Nuff said, lol. 

It's how God works.  Through other people.

Best wishes to all of you!

Jennifer

Lionheart

 This song.  Oh my word.

My heart, for my Leo.

I love you, always.  I carry your sweet memory in my heart all the time.  You mean the universe to me.  This song explains how I feel about you much better than I can.

So so so in love,

Jennifer

Happy New Year 2016

I wish you all a happy, healthy, safe and blessed new year!

Just a little reminder to love yourself fully in all of your wonderfully loving bright glowing glory! Also remember to love your twin fully and believe in him or her no matter what the 3D circumstances may look like.  Remember this union strongly concerns the divine and at times things definitely are not always as they seem.  I think a really good gauge of things is if it is not LOVE then it is illusion and it must be overlooked so truth can be known in your heart, and truth is always love. Always believe in the love your twin has for you- if it is a true twin soul union then they always love us even if things do not seem ideal at the moment.  Believe in the love!  All else is just illusion and like a haunted house- it may seem scary but it's not real, can't hurt you and is not at all what it seems. Be brave and know truth.

Let us all use our Love energy to pray for ourselves, each other, our twins and the world.  A shift is happening and we are a part of it because we are strong loving souls.  Hold onto that love.  Shine it always.  Become more and more love every day.  And let's pray for PEACE, love, acceptance and unity on earth.

Love each other!

Blessings to all in this new upcoming year 2016.

Love,

Jennifer

The Holidays

All I Want for Christmas Is You

I hope everyone is having a good holiday season.  I have not updated much.  There's not a whole lot to share, not much that people would understand or believe so I keep it to myself.  I feel my twin communicates with me in other ways besides email or talking to me directly.  Sometimes I ask myself if I am delusional but it's just so uncanny.  I can have a thought or say something to someone about him and then it is shown to me a certain way that I can't really explain here.

So basically I am having an experience that has grown so deep that I can't really even blog about it any longer.

All I can say is when people say it gets easier as it goes along to forget them or we won't think of them as much or it will be easier to let go, well that advice does not pertain to us all.  I still feel him just as strongly as before.  I am so very much in love with him and his perfect love.  He is still an angel in every sense of the word to me.  I love him just as much as I did the day I started this blog. And I miss him more every day.  I finally dreamed of kissing him and towards the end of the dream I realized it was a dream and was overcome with a deep melancholy.  As I woke I was saying, "No no no" and I began crying in my sleep, crying as I woke up and lay there crying for a few minutes because I ache to have him with me.  I know we are supposed to be TOGETHER, as in under the same roof in each others arms.  I know it.  It was sad to dream of him but sweet too; I have not seen his sweet adorable face in my dreams in a long long time and I've never dreamed of kissing him.

I miss my love so much.

The holidays are not easy for me.  I mourn him not being here sharing life with me.  I cry often.  I am sad.  I put on my happy face though!  I enjoy life as much as I can.  I spend quality time with my son but on the inside there is a gaping hole inside my heart that nothing can fill.  I love him in a way that can only be explained as I feel like we are "married" in spirit.  I want only him and I have no desire for anyone else.  Still the love I have for him is a beautiful thing.  And yes I am understanding more and more than he loves me very much, always has.  But he is doing his job for me, and I am certain it kills him as much as it does me.  He wants to be here with me.  For 27 months he's wanted to get back here and see me and he has been unable to because I've been scared.  Something about my energy and beliefs has kept him away.  And I know it hurts him.  I know he's out there loving me and wants to show me his love and comfort me and be comforted.  We both need to comfort each other.  It feels like I have been to Hell and I am going to think it's probably the same for him because having to hurt the one you love is a bitch.  I am a mother.  I had to really really discipline my child a couple weeks ago and it killed me inside to do it.   I am certain that when James has to act as my mirror and show me these things that it must feel like shit, and I know this.  I feel for him because I know it's gotta hurt.  I know he realizes I am doing the best I can though.  I know he wants to show me only love and honesty.  Truth.  I know he loves me and wishes we could go back to how we were in the beginning.  I believe he wants to talk with me, share with me, have our long phone calls and conversations and I KNOW he feels exactly like I do: he wishes to kiss me for hours because to him kissing me is like heaven.  Same for me with him.  Kissing him is like being in heaven.  Heaven must feel like it does when we hold and kiss each other.  I really feel in my heart that he is missing me, sad, aching and wants me back in his life too.  It is not one-sided.  He wishes we were together right now, and he loves me fully and needs me in his life.  I know this no matter how things may appear right now.

So.  Here is my quick hello.  Merry Christmas.  Have a safe and happy new year 2016.  My prayer for the world is for peace and harmony, may love and light be shared by and to all.  My prayer for us who are separated from the loves of our lives is that we all get in balance and reunite on earth with these people who love us more than life itself, and who we love just as much.  I know we are ascending and becoming enlightened and all of that and yes I am thankful for it but I miss my love.  I know my Beloved wants me, desires me and loves me with his entire heart.  I know he is the absolute living doll sweetheart angel-man I dated who treated me like a princess, with care and love.  I believe in his tender gentle nature.  I just know he wishes he could be his true self with me again.  I miss him so very much.  It really is all I can say right now.  I love him and I miss him and it hurts being away from my love.  I pray, hope and wish for the moment when we can love and comfort one another.  I know that moment will come because he wants to see me again just as much as I want to see him.

Much love,

Jennifer

"I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true oh
All I want for Christmas is you."

**Sigh**

I miss my love.  So very much.  I miss him more than words can say.  I wish this morning I could have woken up to his sweet face and kissed him, like this.  Gently, lovingly, with all the adoration I have for him expressed through one small tender kiss.  I pray for a million morning kisses. 

I've really have had to go inside of myself and tell myself it is okay to feel whatever I want to feel without being scared.  Like I can't be scared that if I miss him then I am only going to attract more missing, like he can't come back if I am sad that he is not here.  Or that sadness is of ego.  I think sadness is just sadness.  It's not despair.  Despair is a total lack of hope, and that is not me.  I have hope.  I believe I have a unique cosmic love connection with this man and we are inseparable no matter how real life may appear right now.  I do believe that he and his soul both love me very much.  But I am sad because he is not here in my arms right this moment.  And I wish he was.  I want him to be here with me right this very moment.

I also have to allow myself to know that my journey is not about learning patience.  I do not believe that "divine timing" is some preset time in the future that we have to wait for patiently.  I believe divine timing has more to do with the right energy, not the right time.  I want him NOW.  I love him and miss him, and I want him back with me right this moment.  I'd love to feel him in my arms.  I wish I was going home tonight to find him waiting at home for me, or that I get to go home and make us dinner and wait expectantly for my love to arrive.  So I can feed him and love him and share life with him.

I really really miss him.  And I've been working through some things here recently.  I know I have still believed in some of the wrong things.  I've still had doubt and mistrust of him.  I've still questioned things he told me.  Why?  Because of the reflection I've created through not believing in his love for me.  And it has been very hard for me to look past the illusion.  And that is sad to me because when he was here he was SO GOOD to me.  Like an angel.  And I do not buy the "well people can change" thing.  NO.  No.  Sometimes we just know truth, and I do.  The man he was when he was here in my life IS the "real" truth of him.  The "act" is because he is my mirror and has to reflect my fears.

People call it "triggering."  I firmly believe from my own journey that the "triggering" is mirroring whatever scary shit I am feeling inside of me, and it happens pretty quickly with twin souls.  Teal Swan explains the "Law of Attraction" as "The Law of Mirroring" and that makes sense to me- it is all the law of attraction, mirroring, creation.  But I have fell into, over and over, believing the wrong things.  And I am sad that I have done that because I want my LOVE back in my life.  I ache for my love.  I believe in my love, and I miss my love so so very much.

Throughout this whole thing I've been scared that he's out there just having the time of his life without me.  People tell me, "Well you need to believe he is happy."  Hey, I do want him happy.  But why would I want to sit here thinking he is fine without me?  And when I do that then all he shows me is "I am SO happy to be here... without you.  I'm having all this fun and you are the last thing on my mind."  And it's all a crappy reflection of the lies I have kept telling myself, and I so tired of it.  I am tired of the lies I tell myself.  I am upset by them.  Why in the fuck should I sit here believing I am worth so little that someone would want to shit on me, and why in the world would I want to believe something so entirely shitty about such a good man???  A man who showed me NOTHING but total love and adoration down to even treating my precious little pride and joy, my son, with love and care and respect too???  It's fucking ridiculous, totally WRONG, and quite frankly it's a little sick- and yes, maybe even a little bit crazy.  I don't like those lies.  They SUCK.  And they steal my happiness, and the steal HIS happiness too because I believe that his happiness concerns me too.  Yeah, it is hard for me to write that.  It's like something inside of me hesitates... to think that the lack of me in his life would cause him to be sad.  But yes.  I do believe that.  I believe that he has happiness in his life but he also has sadness because I am not with him, and he wants me with him.  WITH him, together, sharing life.  I know he wants that with me, and he needs me in his life.  He told me that, on the phone.  I remember.  It was a couple months after this "shifted."  We ended up on the phone and he was telling me about his life, the things he was doing.  And he said that he works a lot.  And he sighed deeply and said so sweetly, "I need you Jennifer.  I need you in my life!"  WTF have I been thinking???  It makes me so sad to know I've allowed myself to believe so little of myself, and to know the fears I've had of my love.

He fell in love with me.  Hard.  He grew very closely attached to me, just like I did him, in a very short time.  We were meant to fall hard in love.  We were made for each other.  I KNOW he adores me.  He did then and love like that is everlasting.  I believe that.  So in turn I am tired of feeling anything other than he's out there right now aching to be back with me.  I KNOW that is truth.  I know he is my soul helper, my very best friend and lover through soul, and we are exceptionally close.  And he's been my teacher, my guide, and I know he'd much rather be LOVING me, teaching me through love, than showing my my fears.

I tell myself that when I shift my belief, really shift it, then it can unlock the love he has stuck inside himself for me.  I feel this with all of my heart.  He showed it to me before but I was too scared to believe it.  He showed me that he has a ton of love inside of him just dying to be unleashed on me yet he can't show it to me when he has to reflect my fears to me, and this kills him.  I KNOW it does.  And I do not meant I want my twin soul to suffer, Hell no!  I want him happy.  I want us together loving each other because I know that is how we are meant to be.  I know he has a ton of love for me and he wants to show me that love, like he did before.  That wonderful sweet love.

I only believe that he is "happy" like I am "happy."  I am as happy as I can be while missing someone every single waking moment of my life.  I feel his presence with me all the time, and I carry his memory close to my heart.  I ache for him all the time.  I miss his presence in my life, and it hurts.  That ache is pervasive and blankets every thought I have, every experience, every moment.  I do have "fun."  I went to Disney World and was "present" with my child.  I had a blast... but I missed James with every step I took.  There is room in my heart for love, happiness AND ache.  Missing.  I kept thinking of how much I wished he could be with us, walking along with my son in the middle holding our hands.  Laughing with us, in the pool, watching the shows, talking to my son, kissing me.  A family.  So while I WAS having fun and being "happy" and counting my blessings and enjoying life instead of "just existing" I was also missing and loving James.  And I feel that life is the same for him.  He lives his life but he misses me and wishes we were together.  I believe he needs me in his life, and he's told me this before but again- I let fear steal my truth.  And I am just tired of doing this.

I am tired of believing nonsense, and all that shit is nonsense.  I KNOW he is an endearingly good loving man, caring, considerate, gentle and affectionate.  A lover.  My total sweetheart.  He's a superb human being, and I know this.  He showed me that, and I refuse to waver in my truth.  I already know what happens when I believe anything less than his goodness or his love for me: I create my own living Hell on earth, and I want my Heaven on earth now.  I do.

Another thing I've learned through this is to really start "listening" to what I am told from above.  Not in a "You must obey me!" way but more like... it's really must easier when we follow the guidance we are given.  And not many people want to realize this but Spirit has FAR more "control" in our lives, over our existing surroundings, than we realize.  Spirit can "make" our reality reflect our inner selves.  I've called it "manipulation" in the past but from what I can see it is generated from within us and then reflected in our outside world so it's not really "manipulation" if we create it ourselves through our thoughts, etc.  The outside world is just being used as our mirror.  What I mean is, and yes this has been eerie and I can't explain how it happens, if I am doubting something and then I go peruse the web snooping around, say like checking his Facebook page {if he had one} then I would be SURE to find something there that would reflect my doubt or fear.  I wish people, other twin souls out there, would realize this because they allow themselves to be lead around by their noses through social media and they do not realize it's them being mirrored.  I know because I've done it myself, and I feel a bit idiotic about it to be honest with you.  Because we are all fixated on their Facebook or Twitter pages and what we don't realize is half the shit being posted there is ON our account, to push all of our buttons.  Because they are our twin souls and it is their JOB to do this.  Even if it is not real or true.  It feeds our doubts by reflecting them as truth.  So let's say I was afraid my twin soul is packing up and moving across the globe to be a circus performer.  Even if that shit were not truth he'd probably post some article about the salary of a circus performer in Australia.  Even if he had no intention of going there.  Ever.  It would be used to fan the flames of my doubt.  And people don't realize this.  They give very little notice to the fact that our thoughts and inner stuff will be reflected, and with the Internet being so heavily used in all of this, social media is now used to "trigger" and mirror twin souls.  It's not always your twin's intentions- it's posted to poke the shit out of your buttons by reflecting your inner thoughts and worries and doubts.  Been there, done that and got the dreaded t-shirt.  It's up to us to finally say, "Enough of this madness!" and just believe.  Turn off the computer, put the phone down, disengage from Instagram and Facebook and the rest... or be strong enough to KNOW the mirroring, recognize it and face it down when it does happen.  I have a twin soul friend who obsessively checks his FB page and she has herself convinced that he's dating loads of women based on the things he likes, the females he adds to his friends list, etc. etc.  Yet she really has no proof that he's even got a girlfriend.  Her mind, her fears, have her convinced he's this serial-dating monster and I feel that the activity on his FB page is done much on her account... because he's her twin soul.  It's done to drive her crazy with her own fears, maybe until she surrenders to realizing she is creating her own reality with him through what she is believing, and often we do believe "nonsense," me included!  It's why I can write about this stuff guys.  I'm a pro at falling into my fears and empowering them.

I also think when we shift more into believing love and nurturing the good then it shifts in the opposite direction.  Things are posted that are loving and kind and can seem to concern us, like they are thinking of us.  Like maybe he posts a song you discussed on your first date, and you feel in your heart it's a reminder.  And it will be posted at a time where you are sure to see it.  It's all part of the journey.

I have inner work to do.  And it starts with believe what I believe, and allowing myself to miss him, feel sad, and to want more.  To dream.  To look beyond patience and say, "I know what I want, what I believe, and I want it NOW."  Man I do believe in "God."  Don't think I am saying I do not believe in God.  I just believe in God differently than most people do.  I believe God gives US the strength and power to make our own changes in our life.  I do not believe God has it all planned out and divies it out as "he" sees fit, after we've patiently waited long enough, being good little girls and boys.  NO- I do believe, and I always will, that God gives us the free will to make it happen ourselves, and we can make it take a long time or we can speed it up.  I want to speed it up now.  That is all I want.

I believe this man is out there loving me, and what I've been shown is illusion based on my fear and doubt, wrong beliefs.  Believing the nonsense.  I get it.  Which is really stupid when I think back to how sweet he was to me, so real, so genuine, so perfect for me.  He was very gentle and kind, only gentle and kind times like a million.  Not even human!  He did not behave like any man I'd met before or could ever imagine because he was wonderful.  Attentive, respectful, strong, respectful, funny, easy going, calm, joyful, silly, loving, tender, naughty, nice, flirty yet concerned about my feelings, full of desire for me yet patient.  Everything and anything I could ask for in a loving friend and lover was handed to me in him, my gift.  I KNOW this.  I do.  It's why I've always held on the the memory of him, and I refuse to let that go.  Like everyone else I can get scared.  The mirroring has been intense but I am strong enough to get past it and believe the truth, and that is what I have to work on now.

But I miss my love.  I miss him with all of my heart.  I love him SO much and I do believe he's been my love and helper through all of this.  I feel like he is still with me now, guiding me, even though from the outside it feel otherwise.  I can see how he still shows me what I need to see, and I just pray for the day when I see things clearly, believe only truth, and he can come back to me.  Because we love each other, and I KNOW- I know with my entire heart that he's out there at night thinking of me, wishing I was cuddled up in his arms.  I know he is waiting for me, hoping I get it right soon so he can show me his love again, the love he holds inside of himself for me.  He loves me exactly the same way I love him, totally unconditionally with my entire heart and soul, and I deserve to have his love in my life so I gotta let myself believe in his love and him.  I know this man's heart, and it is a good solid sweet loving tender caring gentle heart.  He's like me!

God I miss him.  And I love him.  I dream of holding his hands and hugging him and kissing his sweet face soon.  I dream of him touching my face so tenderly and bringing my lips to his because he just has to kiss me right now, for hours, and he can't wait another second to do so.  I know he dreams the same about me.  I know he misses me and aches too.  I know he wishes we were together sharing life, and I KNOW that life just isn't complete for him without me in it.  I feel it in my heart.  I do believe in his love for me, his huge warm beautiful divine love.

I can see where as souls we are meant to own our truth.  It really is the only way, and it should be expected of us.  We all need to know our truth. 

*Whew!*

Hm.  Hi.  I hope all of you are doing well in your respective corners of the world.

Listen there is nothing new here, nothing you have not read on my blog already.  I am still on my journey of believing love over fear so I can create or manifest love in my life instead of a lack of love.  So, something happened, lol.  I'm not going to explain it in all of it's gory detail, and oh it felt pretty gory although I realize it's like watching a movie: not really real, only to show me something.  What I am trying to do is look at it from a higher perspective to see what it is showing me.

Am I going to cave to my fears, or am I going to see past illusion and charge forward?  

I don't mean to think I am "special" or anything but I can tell you this, my mirroring experience throughout this journey has been intense.  I don't know what the experience is for other people but mine is intense.  And I can clearly see the "cause and effect" even if sometimes the "effect" portion seems really fucking scary and can hurt a lot if I let it.  Let it because I should not let it hurt me.  It's not real.  It would seriously be like pissing my pants from a person in a scary clown mask.  Yet I am still afraid of haunted houses so... I guess for some of us it takes a bit longer to overcome fear.

I ask myself why though?  WHY is it SO strong, so intense, this mirroring?

The only thing I can think is because I am being shown things that I need to change, and when I am shown them it's highly exaggerated so I cannot miss it.  If it was subtle then I might overlook it or think it's "normal" and not learn from it or see what I am meant to.  When I believe lies or doubt then I get lies and doubt shoved at me, and not gently at all.  Maybe so, as I get stronger and less scared, I can look at them more objectively and say, "Okay I can see where I did or said or wrote this, and then this happened a week later."  Or an hour later, seriously.  Now it can be minutes.  Then once I see what I need to change I can work on shifting that thing from fear/doubt to love.  There has to be a reason why the mirroring is so intense for me.  And when I say I see something I need to change it is always in my belief system, what I am thinking, what I am doubting, what I am allowing myself to believe in.  Because whatever I am allowing myself to BELIEVE in is what is being shown to me as real.  And when you believe in the monster in the closet it kinda sucks when it reaches out to grab you... even if its intention is just to show you what NOT to believe in!  Even if its intention is to show you to focus your energy on say... winning a trip to Disney World or to believing that you will get the new job or landing an affordable home or or or- something GOOD over something scary. 

I think I am learning that being an "accidental manifestor" has its downsides.  If I say something like, "I really hope it does not rain today," then most likely it will rain.  If I say, "Come on PJ- you need to hurry because mommy can't be late for work!" then I will probably get stopped at a RR crossing on the way to work.  And if I say something like, "I don't believe a, b or c about my twin soul," then whatever I've said I do not believe could very well be shown to me as being very real.  And the only thing I can think is its because I am not focusing my energy on what I want and what I should, like love and trust, and instead on worry, doubt or distrust.  And then at some time or another when Spirit thinks it is time for me to see this BAM it is shown to me, or when I ask for it.  Sometimes I ask for it by opening the door myself, and I have learned to always be ready to accept what's shown to me.

I've read that we should never doubt them, and my guidance told me often to always trust him, never doubt him.  And I see why now.  Because when I doubt something about him, like if I don't trust him for some reason, it is then shown to me like those doubts are real.  And it's in vivid detail, in my face.  I really try not to let it hurt or scare me, or put me off or make me feel hopeless.  I try not to believe what I consider to be illusion or "nonsense."  It's all part of this process, shifting my beliefs to believe in love and not the "nonsense" and the nonsense, remember, is the manifestation of my doubts or fears or worries about him.

About two weeks ago my son was sitting at the table and he started saying, "Nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense."  He is six and it was very odd for him to be saying that word so I asked him, "Buddy why are you using that word?"  He asked me, "What does it mean?"  I asked him again why did he say it and he spouted off something like, "It means words that hold no real meaning," or something like that.  I just looked at him like he was from another planet or something and packed it away for when it was revealed to me.  And I think it was.

I think maybe I've still been believing to much in the "nonsense" or focusing on it, STILL, instead of goodness and believing in his love and good intentions.  Truth.

So there I am.  I am trying to learn to be a focused intentional manifestor while also still working on fulling believing in love.  It's a challenge.  I pray that with my own private workings, like my writing and my mantras in my head and being impeccably aware of my intention at all times, that I begin manifesting what I WANT instead of what I really do not want.  I'd like to work my energy now to where it can allow my destiny to come TOWARDS me!

Oh, how I pray!!!