Memories

I heard this song not long ago and it really made me think.  The words explain my heart.  He sings that we can cheer for those who are with us right now and still think of those who are not with us now.  But one part where he sings that he can't pick up the phone and call right now but will one day, man, that hit me hard.

I wish I was in contact with James.  I will always wish that.  I miss my friend.  I miss talking with him, laughing with him, sharing with him and seeing his smile.  I heard another song today, one that really reminds me, and I have not heard it in a long time so it grabbed my attention.  And I cried which I rarely do over this situation any longer.

My life is super happy, as I've said.  I honestly try to live my best life.  I've learned to always lean towards being loving, kind, grateful and positive as often as possible, if not always.  Life flows a lot smoother that way.  We leave for Disney World Sunday morning.  I am SO blessed, and I realize this and I am thankful for it, truly.

The other night my boyfriend Dave and I were together when my friend Lori text me.  Lori is my "twin soul" friend who I've known for about 5 years now.  We've walked this path together, thank God.  She is like me, super independent, strong, happy, loving, has a great life.  But she still gets signs of her twin soul.  And she still loves him.  So sometimes we reach out to each other when the signs are strong, or we have a dream, or just those times when our hearts might ache a little more than others.

Dave asked me, "Is everything okay?" and I told him yes, that it was Lori texting me.  And we began talking about James.  I told Dave I know I have not said anything about James in a long time, and that's because Dave is SO good to me so I feel like I should just keep it to myself, but that it's still there.  Dave is such an amazing man.  He again told me if someday I were to see James again he understands all of it, and he agreed from the beginning to understand and respect my heart and feelings.

So I tell myself to live each day like this song- to love, embrace, accept, enjoy and be grateful for all the love I have in my life right now.  But at the same time allow myself the dream of seeing James again.  I still think about him every day.  I get frustrated because I know what was true for us: he loved me greatly, and that love never ended.  I know it might seem crazy but I remember after allllll the time that passed, all the weirdness that happened, months in almost years of quiet and STILL he reached out to me and told me that I was right, he loved me and always had.  I knew that, and I still believe it now.;

My prayer is one day one of those "miracles" happen where somehow my heart, my thoughts, my intentions, my energy are clear and aligned to a point where James can reach out to me.  I kinda gave up trying to reach out "in real life."  I know that doesn't work unless things are aligned, and I guess I just... I dunno.  I have more faith that he'll reach out on his own when/if that times comes.  I have hope that one day it will happen.

This song "Memories" though, wow.  It is exactly how I feel.  I can't help but miss him.  I still do. 

Jen

What I'm Doing Now

This is my art.  For years I've always loved colorful fun paintings of women's faces.  I would try to draw and UGH it looked horrid.  I chalked it up to not having much skill in drawing.  But then one day I saw a book at the art store called "Drawing Beautiful Faces" so I bought it and started practicing and found that I love drawing ladies' faces but in a very whimsical fantastical way.  The book and also a Youtube video taught me how to chart where the features should be placed on the face.  That helped a lot!

I don't like drawing bodies or clothes so I avoid that, just faces is what appeals to me.  And some little fun animals.  I have more art supplies that JoAnn's and Michael's combined so there is no lack of stuff in my house to keep me busy.  I'm also making art journals and I hope by this time next year to do selling my stuff in art shows. 

It helps keep me busy and my mind in the right place.

I love Halloween and have decided to sell my art under the name "One Salty Witch."

Although this one is sassy as well as salty.

 

Yes I still think about James.  I've written on and off about him here, and I still have one really good female "twin soul friend" I met about 5 years ago; she and I still believe in our journey and we still chat about the signs we get and the hope that one day we will be able to know these two sweet men again.  It is still very difficult for me to come to terms with because I've never lost anyone close to me before.  I may not have known James for very long but I did get extremely close to him.  When you read about how a twin flame gets very VERY close to you and then is suddenly gone, well that is what happened to me.  It is six years later.  I've had a variety of men I've loved in my life and STILL James made the largest impact on me.  I fell entirely in love with him, and that love has never left me.  I've never gotten over the fact that one day he was in my life, hardcore, and the next *poof* disappeared.  Yes, I still... ache over that loss.  I grieve, in my own private way.

I still miss James a lot.  My heart aches for him.  I think the *only* thing that could ever change that is if he was in my life again, if I knew him again like I did when we met.  THEN my heart would feel better.  Until that day I will have this yearning.  I've never ever believed that if it "hurts" then it is a bad thing.  I don't feel that we can help how our hearts feel, our emotions, especially when coming from the place of deeply loving someone who is no longer in your life, are not really controllable.

I do spend time here and there reminding myself of our good times.  I DEFINITELY enjoy the life I am living right now.  I make sure to enjoy every day and love dearly those people who are in my life.  I don't take that for granted while longing for something I don't have.  I love, respect and enjoy what I do have but at the same time I also still wish to know James again.  I want to talk to him, like sit down and just have a normal real honest conversation with him.  It's always felt so abnormal when that stopped happening.  It always will feel "wrong" to me, abnormal, "not of this world."  I hope one day that changes and I hear from him and we can meet and hug and talk like two people who care about each other.  I still hope and pray for that miracle to happen.

I'll always believe James is a special soul connection to me, definitely the strongest soul connection I've had.  Whether I label it a twin soul or twin flame or whatever- doesn't really matter.  It is more the connection I know we had where I would think something and he would know it, and all the rest of the magic we shared.  Like... how can someone I was that close with physically, emotionally and even energetically be just gone?  I really hope one day to get the affirmation I long for, to have him back in my life, to know he's that special connection, the one that never breaks, the one that can always somehow someway come back. 

Reunion.  I want that.  Re-union.  We had union and I want it back.  

I still love him and miss him dearly. I think that's why my ladies have a wistful look.  At the same time I really do stay full of positive loving energy, as much as I can!  I do love my life a lot.  I just wish James could be part of it.

xxoo

Jen

Happy Birthday!

Today is James' birthday.   I wish him a very happy, joyous, peaceful birthday spent with those he loves. It has been a while since we met and I realize how weird it seems that I'm here after all these years but no one has had more impact on me than him so here I am.

Happy birthday. Thank you for being my twin soul. No matter where you are right now I will love you forever for all you've done for me. I hope you have a wonderful birthday 

Xoxo

Jennifer 

Find Me

This song.

"It's taken losing you to know."

I've learned so much since losing you.  I never imagined I would love a man like I love you, although I was shown.  I had the song in my head before I met you.  The one that showed me I was going to meet a love that I could not get over, one I could not let go of.  I was shown, and while at that time I didn't understand it soon became clear. 

I've come to love again.  Because my heart is large and open.  But you are not replaceable.  No matter how sweet this new love is, what a blessing it is, it does not replace how I feel for you.

You are irreplaceable to me.

I didn't know how magical it would be.  I was shown, yes, but I didn't understand and oh how I wish I had understood!  I wish!

The day I met you in person my fortune cookie told me I was lucky enough to ask and blessed enough to receive.  It also told me my energy is magnetic but to be careful because I could also repel.  And then you came to me, my gift.

I miss you.

I will love you forever.

You told me it was not goodbye but until next time.  I still wish hope and pray to see you and talk with you again.  I an only continue to hope that one day my wishes come true.

I am an admitted endlessly hopeful bright shining love.  A stubborn love.  And I will always love you. 

xxoo honey

Twin Soul Stuff

This is a great song.  There are a lot of songs that remind me of James or my "twin soul" experience with him.  I see that people find my blog.  I don't want anyone to be disheartned when they learn I am not "with my twin soul."  I do have a good life but I remember four years ago thinking if I could not be with James then I would not be happy and that's not the case.  I AM very happy.  I am happy and sometimes sad at the very same time.  Sad meaning a heartache.  I carry both emotions inside me at the same time.

I'd like to leave a few reminders here for anyone who might find my blog when searching about twin souls.  Maybe they will help you.

1. Don't let anyone tell you this connection is not about love.  It is ALL about love.  No, it might not be about human relationship but it is about LOVE.  You are free to wish and desire for a love relationship with your twin.  You don't have to feel badly because you can't overcome wanting to be with your twin in a loving romantic relationship.  When we love someone as deeply as we do these soul connections there is no overcoming that longing, that ache, that desire.  You might not have what you want but that doesn't mean you shouldn't want it.
2. Please understand if you are the twin who is on the receiving end of silence, non-response, being blocked on social media or text or IM or FB or whatever it is- this is due to energy and soul, NOT because your twin is rejecting or ignoring you.  
3. Please be darn sure this person is an actual "twin soul" or "twin flame" connection, and only you can know.  How will you know?  Well some big signs are:
4. The other person can read your mind, answers what you are thinking about, knows when you've spoken about him to a friend, is eerily, uncannily and magically psychic with you (even if they don't realize it.)  This is because that person is your 100% mirror, more than anyone else in the world.
5. You experienced the most BEAUTIFUL human connection with this person.  Sometimes like me, very loving and romantic.  You spoke of the future together.  They were so kind, loving, gentle, perfect in every way, loved talking to you to the point where you just wanted to climb inside each other and stay there- and then suddenly one day that person kinda disappears.  Either blocks you, moves away, stops responding, etc.
6. If this happens and you start thinking bad things about them then this person's behavior will start changing toward you when you do hear from them, almost like they become opposite of who they were.  And it's so obvious, so weird, so unreal that it's very hard to believe, accept or swallow.  It doesn't feel like reality.
7. Strong signs.  Songs, seeing their name everywhere, just random signs of every kind.  I've never received more signs than I do about James.  
8. Deep intense personal emotional pain that you can't really express.  Dear Lord.  The pain I felt.  I had to go on a leave from work.  I could barely live.  And I am a strong woman who had suffered some heartbreak before I met him but THIS pain was earth-shattering to me.  Laying on the floor in a ball, keening.  My heart hurt so bad being away from him.  I missed him so very much.  And there was fear there too, scared he just left me, scared my worst fears of being so easily "left behind" had happened with him.  Fear and love mixed together and it all just HURT.  
9. After separation you can think of this person, or speak of them to someone, or blog about them, or whatever- and not long later you will hear from this person and they will almost "act out" or behave like you said or wrote about or thought hard about.  Does this make sense?  Like they can "hear" you and are showing you your own thought/feelings about them.  THIS is mirroring.  Twins are our biggest strongest most inescapable mirrors.  They will show you all of the energies inside of us that need to be overcome.  Some people call these energies our "shadow" or "shadow side" or our "demons."  Strong fears like the fear of not being loveable enough, not being worthy enough, personal doubts about self-worth, etc.  Anger/rage is another.  Doubts in general.  If you doubt that your twin loves you, and if you think your twin is an egotistical mean person for going silent then your twin will reach out to you and "act" like he does not love you, and he won't be very nice about it- because whatever you think about your twin is how he is going to act towards you.
10. In my experience, and from the experiences of others, it seems the feminine energy (which can be housed in a male human) is typically on the receiving end of the silence.  The male energy (again, sometimes housed in a female human) is usually the one who becomes the mirror.  I've never EVER experienced it being a two-way street.  I never experiences us "mirroring each other."  Unless me telling James that I know he is a wonderful person, a good man, a dear human being was my way of truly mirroring his truth.  He was my mirror to show me all of the shit I needed to force myself away from, what I had to overcome.  He showed me my anger until I had to overcome being angry inside.  He showed me my doubts until I had to overcome those doubts.  I had to overcome them to where I NEVER ever spoke of anything doubtful concerning him.  If I ever spoke to anyone about anything doubtful then I'd have that mirrored back to me, and it hurt.  It all originated with ME.  I was the cause and he was stuck being the effect.
11. This experience is guided by higher self.  Always.  And until your energy is right you WILL NOT get what you want.  No matter how you email, text, FB, stalk, beg, plead, etc.  No "human workings" will get a twin flame to do what you want.  They can't even do what THEY want once this all happens.  I truly believe James listened to his soul once separation happened, and he was stuck being my mirror.  I believe he honestly loved me and would have loved being with me, sharing a life with me, and it hurt him and he missed me a lot.  He showed me this when he could.  And looking back at that now, with clear eyes, ached deeply.  I wanted him to be my husband.  I really did.  He would make the best husband, and I loved him so much.  So much.  He was literally my "dream come true" and what I ASKED for, wished for, dreamed for came to me in him.  When you fuck up your own dream come true- it hurts forever.
12. This is important.  IF you are in the middle of this there are ways to make it easier, and I honestly feel there is opportunity for many to reunite with their twin soul IF they can overcome their fears and be so emotionally and spiritually strong in healing their fears and holding onto, affirming, love for their twins.  I do NOT believe that twins "never get together" or don't reunite.  I still feel hopeful that one day my energy will be clear enough, aligned, that I will see James again and experience that truth (love) with him again.  
13. Please love your twin soul.  He/she is going through a lot along with you even if you (and he) don't know it.  My poor twin was such a strong mirror for me.  He did his job well and I know it wasn't easy for him.  I hope he realizes I hold dear to my heart all of my loving memories of him being with me, being kind to me, visiting me, being so patient and kind to me, a true gentleman.  Understanding, gentle and kind.  Respectable, my walking breathing dream come true.  And I still love him dearly.  I'm sure I always will.  He did the most amazing feat for me- he helped heal me of my dark "shadow" energies, and only someone as magnificent and wonderful could have done so.  *sigh*   I may not be with him now but I love him TONS for being my twin soul.  And I miss him too.  I miss my friend.  So remember to be kind inside towards your twin.  They hear and feel your energy towards them so keep it kind.  
14. This is about YOU not them.  Read that 1000 times until you understand.  This is not about what "they need to heal."  Don't do that- it's pure ego.  This has nothing to do with their healing and all to do with yours (if you are on the end of the silence/distance/blocking, etc.)  Not everyone has the same issues I did.  I had anger that was a result of a HUGE fear I had.  I was afraid that a man could "fall in love with me" at first but then for some reason stop loving me ENOUGH, enough.  That he'd love me but not enough to "choose" me forever.  I guess I did not feel worthy enough, and it only happened when I fell HARD in love.  Then all the irrational, gut-wrenching fears would creep up.  I had to learn my worthiness and realize I am irreplaceable, unforgettable and amazing in every way.  Unique and genuine and very very worthy.  I had to learn how to fall in love with myself too, and then I had to learn to believe that my twin had honestly loved me VERY deeply and he had wanted to stay with me (he even told me so many times) but my fears manifested through him because he is my twin soul.  I've known for a long time that this is about me and not James.  He was very emotionally healthy and ready to be in a strong loving committed relationship; he wanted to be married.  He told me, and he showed me that once he knew me he felt *I* could be that person for him, his wife.  *sigh*  So OF COURSE I still miss him.  I feel inside like I miss my husband and that... that makes it very very hard for me to ever consider committing to marriage with anyone else.  I can love my boyfriend, and I do.  I enjoy sharing my life with him.  But James is the one I wanted to marry, and I am not sure I can ever get past that.  THAT is how much of an impact a twin soul makes on our lives.  So if this "person" you think is your twin soul isn't making that much of an impact on you then it might not be your twin soul at all.  And again please do not get sucked into the whole "this is mutual healing" crap teachings.  It is CRAP.  Those of us stuck on the side of the silence are the ones in need of healing (whatever it is we need to heal.)  It is not about them and what they need to get over, overcome, learn, heal, etc.
15. OMG they do not need to know you are twin souls!  It totally doesn't matter at all.  There is nothing you need to teach them or get them to understand.  At all.  And if you try then higher self is just going to make your twin be like, "Okay thanks."
16. When I use the word "heal" please understand something- it is much simpler than you think.  Healing means changing your thinking, changing where you focus your thoughts and energy.  If you can gain charge of your thoughts and focus then you have healed yourself.  When you no longer fret, worry or complain and instead you are very aware of your thoughts, or what you speak, of what you write, and you can OVERCOME thinking about your fears, and when you can IGNORE your worries, and when something crappy happens but you stop yourself from picking up the phone to tell your friend about it and instead you sit down and write out how thankful you are for the delicious coffee you had that morning THEN you are healing.  When you can open a notebook and write deeply about how wonderful YOU are, how beautiful you are, how perfect you are in every single way, how the universe loves you, how YOU love you so so so much, than you are healing.  God I used to loathe myself for no reason.  It is painful to remember how much I was totally incapable of loving myself.  I was not protective of myself and before I met James it was getting worse until I finally stopped the madness, and then I met him.  And since then magically I have learned to truly love, appreciate and be good to myself.  When you get to that place then you are healing.  Overcoming those negative energies is healing.  Being so strong that you choose to not focus on anything negative, no gossip, no discussion crap going on in the world, no reading crap going on in the world and CHOOSING consciously to focus actively (through meditating on it, writing about it, repeating affirmations, etc.) on goodness, love, positive stuff, things you love and are thankful for- that is healing.  "Letting go" of anything crappy and holding on to only what you love is when you are healing.  It does not take chakra work.  You do not need to pay a healer, believe me.  It only takes your own will power.   
17. Healing does not mean being perfect.  It is not vegan unless you love being vegan.  It does not mean exercising unless you want to exercise.  It does not even mean "healing" your vices.  I still drink, and I work on controlling it because I love myself so much that I hate being hungover, and I get sick from drinking even a very little bit these days.  Healing means overcoming negative thoughts and focus and instead focusing on your joys, on what you love, and focusing on enjoying life- and we do not enjoy life when we feel like we MUST do things. I honestly rarely do anything I do not want to do.  I am "selfish" with my time and energy and that's just fine with me.  I live my life to enjoy it, and to be with those people who I love and who love me and who are of my higher good.   
18. Start focusing only on goodness in every area of your life.  Do not focus on what you don't like.  Even if you have to address an issue don't ruminate on it.  Take care of it then move on and focus your energy on something you love.  BREW good magic.  Brew good energy.  Affirm anything loving kind and good about you and your twin.  Only goodness.  That good loving energy goes to them.  When you "brew" truth then you will eventually hear truth from your twin.  But when you brew fear then all you will get from your twin is bad hurtful scary stuff.  TRUTH is LOVE.  Focus on love and you will get love and truth.  Focus on shit and you get the shit.
19. Have hope.  Be loving.  Be good to yourself.  Get enough sleep.  I was emotionally exhausted often and I needed like ten hours of sleep sometimes.  Love yourself and have empathy for yourself.  Cry when you need to- it bring waves of healing to you. This is a challenging painful experience, and my heart goes out to each and every one of you going through it.
20. Please avoid psychics.  Many will take your money.  And the kicker is many psychics truly are open to spirit and all they tell you is whatever you are thinking of when you call.  YOU may want to know "truth" about your situation but if you are focused on doubts or fears then that psychic that you are paying 7.99 a minute is going to tell you exactly what you fear as if it was your truth.  And it will set you back so so so much with fear.  I would strongly suggest not calling psychics, especially if you are in any emotional distress, fear, doubt, etc.
21. NEVER lie to your twin.  NEVER.  This is because since it is a psychic spiritual connection he will always know the truth.  You can't hide anything from a twin because spirit will work through them to call you out.  Somehow, even from wherever they are, they always know.  So you gotta be brave enough to be honest and transparent with them at all times.  If you have a secret doubt about something that you are hiding they might just bring it to light, ask you about it, etc. and please don't lie.  A REAL twin soul/twin flame will love you no matter what you see as flaws, vices, etc.  So even if you bare your dirtiest secret to them (or they drag it out of you) they won't judge you (just make sure your energy concerning them is also kind so you can receive a kind interaction from them.) 
22. Pay attention to your signs and guidance!  If you are ready to call a friend to vent about your twin and the phone call ends suddenly then take that as a sign.  Don't call back!  When you discuss something you strengthen it.   I don't know how many times this stuff happened to me and I stubbornly didn't listen.  Try to learn from my mistakes!  There were times I'd be venting in my journal (nothing good) and a new pen would suddenly stop writing.  I realize now it was my higher self trying to stop me from creating more crap for myself.  Because when I write something down it often comes to me somehow.  Same with speaking it out loud. 
23. Lastly, and this is one no one likes to hear, when you are ready, when you've cleared your heart and lifted your energy and "healed" yourself from negativity, and when you are living more from a place of love than anything else, you CAN share love again with someone besides your twin flame.  I remember thinking I could NEVER ever love anyone again.  But I have, and I do.  But this can't happen until your energy is ready, loving, kind, forgiving, positive, hopeful, etc.  If you open your heart to love someone else please understand this does not mean you stop loving your twin soul.  I had to make a choice.  I had to choose between "letting go" of my hope to ever see James so I could commit myself fully to another man.  I could not do that, not in a way where I could look a man in the eye and say, "There is no one else for me but you."  I knew if I told another man, "I'll never want anyone but you since I've met you" or "I've never loved anyone as much as I love you" that I would be lying, and I can't handle lying.  Always know whatever you speak out loud becomes "reality" in this experience.  Maybe someone asks you, "Is there anyone special in your life?" and you have not admitted to anyone that you have this secret love for your twin.  Best thing to say is, "I'm not really dating anyone right now but yes there is someone I love dearly."  And if they press you, and if you are not comfy to talk more then just say, "I'd really rather not talk about it, thank you."  But don't day anything like, "Nope, there's no one special in my life."  Because that will stay your reality.  That is why when I met Dave and realized he "liked" me and was hoping I might want to be romantic with him I immediately told him my truth.  That was I told him I was in love with a man who wasn't here in my life, and I would always love him, and I would always want to see him again if the chance arose, and for that reason I stay alone.  He asked me to let him love me anyway.  And here we are.  But I don't think I could have been in a relationship if I would have had to lie or hide my love for James.  I guess God brought me a man who would understand.  So just try to be honest.  If you want to enter into a relationship, one not with your twin, to escape the twin experience then you are definitely not ready; that would be running.  I only feel like I was not a runner being with my boyfriend because I did not go looking for him.  I was not hoping to meet someone else.  I was militantly following my singledom, praying for James, and I was kinda lead to Dave.  And I hold love for both of them in my heart.  When you are in this place then that is when you may be able to love again.  Even if it won't ever be the same type of love or connection you have with your twin. It's okay.  Bittersweet but okay.    

It aches still though.  I look back and wonder what if I had ONLY sent him good loving kind energy?  What if I had affirmed only goodness?  What if I had told the universe from the start how happy I was to have James in my life?  That I know he loves me entirely and wants to be my husband forever?  That he loves being here with me and I am all he wants, and he's wonderful, and kind and good and I am so thankful?  Then he would still be here with me because I would have focused on love instead of fear and doubt.  Wherever you are in your journey try focusing only on the goodness and love, and see what happens.  It can truly make miracles come to you with your twin.  It will make miracles happen to you in life.  YOU ARE ALL STRONG MANIFESTORS and you will bring to you whatever you are focused most on.


I wish you all the best.  It gets better, less painful, once you start pushing out the bad energy and only focusing on the good.  I am not in a lot of pain like I was before.  The only "less than wonderful" energy I have is heartache because I love James and I miss him; I miss my friend who did so much for me even if he has no idea.  I know what he did for me and that's all that matters to me.

What If?

I heard this song the other day and was like, "Wow there's my life!" 

I only speak about James with one person, my friend Lori who also has a twin soul.  She and I met like 5 years ago online and still keep in touch.  She is a good friend to me, and it keeps me sane.

I keep getting a telemarketer call.  I answer (it comes up as different numbers) and a man's voice says, "Hi!  This is James..."  *sigh* 

Yes.  Yes I still love him.  Yes I still think of him.  Some of you may wonder, "Why doesn't she just contact him?"  I have.  From time to time I'll text him.  What most people don't understand is just because we reach out to a twin soul doesn't mean we will get a response.  It KILLS most people when this happens; we feel rejected.  We feel dismissed.  But in reality is has to do with energy, intention, etc.  I finally got used to it and I no longer feel like I am being ignored.  I realized a few years ago that if my energy is not inviting a response (EVEN if my words are invited a response) then my energy will trump my words and I won't hear anything.  In the past only when my energy was aligned would I hear from him.  Most people refuse to accept this and continue to get butt hurt when they don't get a near instant reply from their twins.

As always my life is super blessed.  I have loads to be thankful for.  I live a truly magical life.  As long as I keep my energy positive and focus on what I love then goodness comes to me.  I write out my affirmations if not daily then routinely.  It's good to have an "energy routine."  I know this and I try to follow it.  I avoid anything that will instill negativity in me.  This means I avoid anything to do with politics.  Discussing tRump can ignite anger in me in a heartbeat so I refuse to talk about the man.  Stealing women's rights to bodily autonomy away is also a topic that enrages me, and since there is not much about it I can do on a public level (unless there was a protest I could attend which I would) I avoid discussing the topic because the energy it brews inside of me isn't good. 

My point is- I really try hard to "protect" my energy, to keep it clean and upbeat and focused on goodness.  This accelerates my manifestation of "good stuff."  Then things I desire come to me quickly.  It is like magic, and I appreciate it and I also am aware of it.  I attempt to be careful of what I want because it will come to me.  I wanted a luxury car and got a beautiful (affordable) Cadillac right away.  I wanted to reorganize my finances and I got refinanced at a 3.8% home loan.  I'm not bragging but I AM thankful.  Work flows smoothly.  Everything always works out for me.  I am super blessed.  And for this reason I am watchful of my energy.  Those of you who have twin souls please be aware of this.  We are ALL powerful manifestors.

I still believe in my heart that one day I am going to hear from James again.  I will leave the deets up to the universe.  I'll just throw that loving intention out there and wait, hopefully, for the day when it happens.  I do have a boyfriend who loves me dearly.  But he knows how I feel.  At least I've been honest.  I can't help the fact that I still love James, and that I miss him, and I still want to talk to him or know him again.  I remember the wonderful time I spent with James.  And it's hard for me to explain but the connection I had with James was unlike any other, and that refuses to leave me.  Knowing him was SO exciting and fun, exhilarating.  He was exactly what I asked for, everything I ever wanted in a man.  Seriously.  I could kiss him for hours and be content.  And we would talk for hours and never get tired of talking.  We looked forward to talking to each other. 

What can I say?  I miss my friend.

Yes, we can love again.  I did.  I do love my boyfriend; he's sweet and kind and we are good together.  But I can only take each day at a time, and I may only be able to do that for... for however long we are together.  Maybe that sounds bad to some but I can't bring myself to commit to more.  And he knew that when he met me.  And I cannot help how I feel.  I love them both. 

I am forced to "live for today."  Seriously.  I ENJOY each day as it comes, and I ENJOY what and who I have in my life right now.  I am happy to be in a sweet relationship with someone who loves me so much.  As I've said here before I know I help David heal from the tragic loss of his wife.  I know that my time with Dave has been "for a reason" and... healing for me as well.  I was so so so trying.  I was such a militant little twin soul (as some of you know from this blog.)  I honestly did try so hard, and I stayed very VERY single for four years.  Partially because I thought I "was supposed to" and partially because I could not stomach being with any other man after sharing such a sweet, wonderful, dear, real, genuine and pure love with James.  Dave just kind of happened when I had no intention of sharing my heart with anyone new.  But he needed me, and maybe I needed him.  We get along perfectly fine, not even one argument in almost two years.  We are buddies as well as romantic partners.

But it is still not the same was I felt with James, and damn sometimes that aches.  But instead of fussing over what I don't have I enjoy what I do have.  And I still have my wishes, my heart's longing.  I still love James dearly and I still want to know him again.  So I do both.  I live to enjoy my life to the fullest every day.  I love strongly those dear people I have in my life.  I count my blessings and remember to be thankful for those blessings.  And I also wish to see James again and talk with him and know him.  I keep all of those energies loving and kind and pure in intention. 

I can't deny my heart or ignore how I feel.  I could try blocking it out or forgetting or letting go but I don't think any of that would work for me.  This entire experience has been too life-changing for me.  It had too much of an impact on me.  I went through so much with James and I'll never be content with it being so "open-ended."  Yes I do share love with someone who is here in my life but something tells me that I am still meant to actively love James in my heart.  And that's okay.

Lastly one thing I want to stress to anyone out there who really feels they have a twin soul/twin flame: we are all powerful manifestors.  Even without your twin in your life you are capable of creating and/or attracting to you TONS of wonderful experiences, things and people.  Everything I want comes to me swiftly and easily (because I have not blocked it with resistance.)  The *only* thing I've wanted that has not happened is contact from James, and I chalk that up to the LOADS of resistance I had.  When I wanted a luxury car I had no debilitating fear or doubt about it so it arrived quickly.  Keep this is mind with your own energy. 

TTFN

Jen

Embracing Life

This could have been us when we met.  It looks like us.  

I keep writing here because... it is my secret way to "get it all out."  I do keep a journal at home but this is different because it kinda feels like I am writing to a friend.  I refuse to hide my journal at home.  I've talked with women who don't keep a journal because they are terrified to leave it out because someone might read it.  My journal is sacred to me; it is personal.  "Enter at your own risk" is how I feel.  My boyfriend assures me he won't violate my trust by ever reading my journal.  I try to be mindful of his feelings and keep it put away because he knows I still write about James sometimes.  Not too often but occasionally, especially if something reminds me.

I had a weird experience the other day, and it leaves me with questioning.  I was driving along and the song "I Ran" started playing on the radio.  I noticed it and thought to myself that I had not really written about James in a while, and I basically go about my daily life.  Then I got another sign and it made me wonder like "WTF?"  What am I supposed to be doing?  Am I supposed to just move on and let the past go?  Or is he really this fabled "twin soul" who I am supposed to love and hold close to me no matter what, like not forget, not block out, etc.?  And I just don't know.

I am still grieving the loss of him.  We have no place in our society for the kind of grief I feel about James! His sudden disappearance feels like someone I had fallen in love with, someone in who I thought I may have found my future HUSBAND, has died.  When someone dies we have a funeral, and everyone comes and holds the people who are left behind and says We are so sorry for your loss.  There is closure. That did not happen for me.  I've had to deal with this grief on the inside because it is impossible to fully explain it on the outside in a way that people can understand.  Only I'm left to know how it feels.  He's alive, somewhere out there.  But to me it feels like he's dead.  And I've been given no closure.

Manifestation.  I manifest stuff every day.  I can think of something and it suddenly materializes via another person or an email or just anything.  I can think of a person and that person will immediately call me or text me.  I want to know if I focused a lot on James, good focus, would he one day reach out to me?  Currently if I focus on him I get a shit-ton of signs.  His name pops up everywhere.  Songs start playing that remind me of him, "Sweet Baby James" among others.  But is there ever a time when it goes beyond signs and I can actually hear from HIM again?  What do those signs mean?  Are they simply a reflection of my own thoughts and focus?  Because if so then I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM.  I don't care unless they show that there is a possibility that one day it will move past signs and I will be able to see him and speak with him again. 

I want that very badly.  No matter how lovely my life is I will always wish I could meet James again and talk with him, openly and freely.  I have not "let go."  It was hared enough for me to "move on" let alone just let it all go.  That was a very emotional and traumatic time for me, those four years.  I am not "over it."  It may seem like it to those people who know me.  I seem fine.  James' name rarely comes up.  If I'm asked I just say, to those I know I can trust, that I do still think about him, love him and I will always hope to see him again.  My boyfriend knows this too although it's, of course, not something we discuss often.  I am understanding that he still grieves his wife, and some days are worse than others, and his Facebook memories are always of her, and his whole past is with her, and most women would be jealous but I am not, at all.  Because he has to be understanding of me, that I still love a man who was in my life and then suddenly wasn't and I've never gotten over him, and I still want to know that man again.  And I do.  I can't help my heart.

There are truths that can cause my pain.  I asked for James and he came to me, or was brought to me.  I had asked for a kind loving man, an affectionate man who would make me a priority in his life, who was intelligent, good to kids and animals, who respected the earth, who was respectful and patient and understanding.  Empathetic and patient.  Gentle and caring.  And then James came into my life and he was EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things I asked for.  I recognized that right away and it kind of freaked me out.  "Spirit" and manifestation and all of that still freaked me out back then.  I didn't realize the power I had to bring good stuff into my life or send it away.  Up until meeting him I'd met some men who were not always patient.  One in particular I had a hard time "quitting" but had to because... he would never have been patient with me. 

But when I met James he was SO patient with me.  It was in such direct contrast to what I'd known.  He was what I asked for, someone who would be patient with me, good to me, who would respect my body, mind and heart.  And I guess what really hurts right now is he truly did all those things.  He was a genuinely good man to me.  And to my child.  He respected my role as a mom.  He was so kind, exactly what every women deserves and I didn't know what to do with that.  I had never been treated so well.  I did not know my worth.  And not knowing my worth created a lot of fears for me.

It bothers me to be able to look back and see all of that truth, to see what I had, I had the PERFECT man for me.  I do love my boyfriend but it's just not the same fit.  It is a "good fit" but not the perfect fit like James.  And I miss my perfect fit.  He told me he is compatitble with 1% of women and I was his "1%."  I know we were good together, and MAN had I been... who I am now- we would have had the absolute best time together.  That hurts.  I still wish I could be with him.  I can't help it.  Even thought I am in a happy relationship... it's like, wanting something really badly- but you can't have the one you want but another is available that is great too, wonderful in many of the same ways, and you can love it too but you'll still always wish for the ONE you WANT most. 

I wish I didn't feel like that but I do.  Even now.  It still aches.  I don't know if that aspect of my life will ever be okay until the day comes when I can sit down and genuinely talk with James again.  I wish I knew if for real I could "bring" that day to me by asking for it enough, focusing, daydreaming, loving James enough on the inside that one day he could just pop into my life again like he would before. 

Make sure to live your life to the fullest, do what makes you happy, but be loving in your thoughts to your twin flame or soulmate at the same time.  I was put into a totally unique situation where I was able to love again because I was able to be honest with the man.  I was able to tell Dave about James, very honestly.  I don't think I could have ever been involved in another romantic relationship while still loving James and HOPING that one day I can meet him again and having to hide that.  I would have felt like I was totally lying.  I would have had to be ready to totally "let go" and fully move on, and I couldn't do that.  So in my case I was able to be honest and it worked out.  Weird, I know.  So I love them both, one physically in my life, one not.

I still get emails from blog readers.  Some are bitter, some fall into ego, some blame their twins, some tell me not to miss James, etc. etc.  We all have to deal with this in our own ways.  I think, though, the best choice for any of us is to try and love through it, no matter what. 

XXOO