In My Heart

This time of year reminds me of the time I spent with him. Nearly every morning on my way to work I drive past where we met.  I glance over remembering James walking across the parking lot with his cute smile reaching to hug me while telling me "You are just as beautiful as I knew you would be." And he was even sweeter than I expected. Like a gift. Perfection.

Memories are bittersweet. I remember sitting out on my deck talking to him on the phone; the mosquitoes must not have been as bad that summer. I used to sit out past dark and look at the stars while discussing life with James. For hours. We used to talk for hours and only hung up because it was late and we had to sleep. He always asked for just a few more minutes. "Aw, don't go yet" and we'd end up a half hour longer. It blows my mind how many hours we spent talking on the phone. If he was not here with me then most likely we were talking.

When he was with me we did not talk as much as we kissed. Together we were kissing. Apart we were talking. I miss those sweet kisses too.

So. I can look to my door and totally picture him coming in and standing there looking all smiley and adorable. He would come in, hand me whatever sweet thoughtful gift he'd brought me and say hello. Then he would smile big and kiss me. Like he had been aching to do so since the last time he saw me. *sigh* And we would kiss for hours. Hugging and kissing and laughing and being close, cuddly and loving. It was bliss. Being with James kissing and cuddling was Heaven.

He is in my heart. Always.

"Who Are You?"

Who Are You?

I have no words other that what I've shared countless times already.  I love James.  I miss him.  I ache to be close with him.  He is the only man I want in my life; I can only imagine myself with him.  The following explains how I feel better than I can.

I would so love to kiss him again.  *sigh*

 

Who are you,
The one for whom I'd really gladly suffer
Who are you,
The one I'll always love above another
You're my world, you're my hope
You're all my dreams and all my heart
Who are you
The one I give my life to
Who are you,
That loves as deep as I do
Who are you,
Who takes me through the flood and through the fire
Who are you,
Who leads me through the desert and the dry
You're in my thoughts, you know my mind
You're all my things, you are my light
Who are you
The one I give my life to
Who are you,
That loves as deep as I do
You're my savior, you're my center
My beginning and my end
You're the one I live for, you're my angel
Who are you
You're in my thoughts (you're in my thoughts)
You know my mind (you know my mind)
You're all my things, you're all my light
Who are you
The one I give my life to
Who are you,
That loves as deep as I do
Who are you
Who fell on me like fire
Who are you,
That takes me through desire
Who are you,
The one I give my life to.

Thank You

Thank you.

Video: "Your Words Create Your Worlds"

Your Words Create Your Worlds

A big thank you to one of my blog readers who sent me a video from this guy above.  I saw this other video of his and it was a good reminder for me to keep my mouth shut more often.  To be quiet.  I don't do quiet well.  I talk a lot.  I also like my still quiet time though, like walking in nature, etc.  But I should be more quiet.  It is another strong reminder for me to watch my words.  I am getting better but am far from perfect.  I think the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all" is even better advice than many of us ever realized.  My new goal is if I can't say something nice about a person or situation then I will keep my mouth shut.

Great video, thank you Matthew for sending me the other.  I accidentally deleted your blog comment so I lost the other video and the comment but thanks for sharing it. 

I still catch myself saying shitty stuff about other people or situations and I am working daily to practice what this man is teaching here in this video.  Being very mindful of my words because when I speak badly about someone else I am actually bringing harm to that person energetically.  I am beginning to believe that if I were to continuously say something bad about a person like, "He is such an immature jerk" then I have the power to make that person continue to behave like an immature jerk.  Sounds unbelievable I know but I feel it is our responsibility to be careful of our words and this means sending good energy to others through our words, not bad energy.  Again I am not perfect at this at all.  I am a work in progress all the time.  This has been a lot of trial and error.

But let me tell you, using my boss as an example.  Once I started really focusing on what a kind gentle supportive man my boss is {instead of focusing on anything else} I swear to God he started treating me differently.  More positive.  He and I had hit a rough point but I started writing out his good qualities in my journal, thanking him for being patient with me while I am going through all of this emotional stuff, thanking him for giving me a chance, thanking him for holding on to me, thanking him for being a strong mentor, and realizing that he honestly wants the best for me then I swear he started treating me differently.  As a matter of fact the day after I wrote some of this out he came to me and told me he felt we should have a pizza party lunch for the staff because it had been a very long time {notice I am choosing my words here carefully lol} since we had done so.  I told him sure that would be great and then I went back to my office, shut my door and privately pondered the possibility that writing about him with goodness the night before allowed him to... reflect it back to us.  I'd written that I know he cares for us and that he is a very good man, and he truly is.  My boss is one of the most fair and honest people you could ever ask to meet.  He is solid, 100%.  And he has a quiet gentle temperament that works well with me.  I find him to be trustworthy and very fair.  I've worked with him for almost 9 years and as goofy as it may sound I feel he is one of my stronger soul mates but like on a mentor level.  I think he is a big mirror for me.  And again, once I started shifting my focus about him he started acting differently towards me.

I guess that is knowledge I should apply to all aspects of my life and the people in it.  I talk shit sometimes.  I have on here.  And really I know better.  I know to "let stuff go" when it happens.  If something happens that I don't like I should not give it any energy.  Let it go and instead focus on something good.

*sigh*  I do know this stuff.  Just sometimes practicing it and applying it... you know!

Gosh when it comes to James I figure I should stay pretty quiet about him and this experience, even here on the blog I should probably not say a whole lot.  There is not much to say right now that I have not already shared.  I adore him.  I wish he was here in my life right now.  I believe he is out there somewhere loving me and wishing he could be with me and my son.  I feel like he actually wanted to stay with us and wishes he could be here now- and I wish with all of my might I could finally "shift" or change whatever I need to in order for him to come back to me.  He is my dream come true quite literally.  I ordered up the man of my dreams and then James came to me.  He is so dear and wonderful and he is exactly the man I had dreamed of being in my life, my gift.  A strong mature yet sensitive, loving kind and friendly man who would be good to me and my child both.  How could I not totally wish and hope to have him back in my life forever?  He is perfect for me, treated me wonderfully and I'd love to experience life with him again.  I'd be so happy to have him with us, sharing life with us, sitting quietly on the couch with me while we hold hands, embrace and kiss.  Or making love.  Or walking hand in hand.  Or going shopping together and making dinner and taking PJ to the park or watching PJ's soccer game or going to a festival together or hugging and kissing and saying "I love you" when greeting each other after work.  I'd love to be able to look forward to seeing him after work, anticipating going home to see both of my loves.  PJ and James both.  I dream of taking a vacation with him.  Sharing life with him.  My GOD that is what I dream of and wish for and what I'd be so happy to experience in my life, James with us.  I long to be intimate and close and loving with him again.  He was so so so good to me, and he is a doll.  I've never met a man before who is so funny, charming, brilliant, open-minded, progressive, aware, passionate, friendly, loving and uber affectionate all rolled into one walking adorable ball of goodness.  I am so in love with James.  He is unique and special to me.  And that really is all I even feel safe sharing here or anywhere.  I love him.  I'd love for him to be in my life as part of my loving sweet family.  I would absolutely love to share more of the sweet loving genuinely loving experiences we did before when we were together.  Those good sweet moments and experiences are what I want more of with James.  He is love personified for me.  Being in his arms feels like... home to me.  If I were to visit "heaven" or wherever we go once we are no longer human I can imagine the bliss I'd feel would be very similar to the joy I feel sitting on my couch kissing James for hours. 

Take care of yourselves,

Jennifer

Things I Adore

I miss James.  I love him so much.

I heard this song today and it is so beautiful. 

There are so many things that I adore about him.  And he showed me that he adores me too.  He told me I am beauty.  He told me that I am beautiful naturally with no makeup.  He said I am his obsession which is honestly too much for me to even process.  I can't imagine being anyone's "obsession" but I do know that he desires me a lot and loves me even more than he desires me.

I want him to be here with me, to be mine.

I want him to be MINE.  All mine, forever.  "I am certain I am yours." 

This ache is deep.  I want him back with me right now.  I can't really concentrate well.  I ache.  I yearn for him.  I remember him and his sweet kind gentle loving tender silly friendly nature and it blows my heart up because I want him here with me right this very moment.  I am still torn between feeling like I am supposed to be stronger and overcome how sad I feel and/or allowing myself to be overwhelmed by how much I love him and realize I AM going to ache.  Just accept it.  Accept that it's all I can do to keep my son fed and happy in between my tears.  I don't feel like doing much.  I just don't.  I wish James was here.  I miss him.  I ache.  *sigh*  I was doing very good with not drinking but I did drink last night.  Don't ask me why.  I think the text message from the other man when I want to hear from James pushed me hard.  It makes me want to cry.  Whether or not it is part of this "process" does not matter to my HEART.  My heart does not care.  All my heart wants is James back in my arms.  I want to talk to James so so so so so much.  I miss him so bad that I hurt.  I miss him so much and all I want is for him to be back in my life again like he was before.  A friendly caring understanding loving relationship.  

I don't even know what to do.  I'm a mess.  I don't know how God can expect one person to miss another person this much and tolerate it well or at all.  I am not handling it well.  My house is a mess.  I'm unorganized.  I have gained weight.  It's all I can do to be a decent mother, keep up with my child and his needs and make sure I get my ass to work and get my job done so I can earn my pay.  And even then I am productive enough but not as much as I would be if I felt better. 

I wish that he could now.  Could contact me.  Could come back to me.  Could be my loving sweet friend and boyfriend again.  Now. 

There are certain things that I adore... pretty much everything.  He is very gentle, loving and kind and I miss everything about him. 

Hi

Hi.

I had a very good birthday.  I went to Comic Con with my son who was the perfect little PATIENT angel all day long!  This poor little six year-old filled with energy little boy stood in line after line with me over and over again with a smile on his face and he kept hugging me and telling me how happy he was!  Me being the clueless person I am did not think about how much waiting we would be doing.  I also assumed there would be vending and I was frazzled so I didn't pack any snacks.  DUH.  On the drive there he ate a PB&J and some fruit snacks.  But at the convention center there is hardly any vending.  Little guy was hungry.  Luckily I did pack a notebook and his new smelly markers so he could sit and color while we waited.  He could not use my phone to watch anything or play a game because I needed to hold the charge as long as I could.

He was such a good kid all day long, and it was good that I had him because Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny both spoke to him and catered to him which was sweet!  I found my thesis about midnight the night before in the very last place I thought to look, and they both signed it.  David paused to look at the title page and ask me about it which was so cool, and he told me he almost wrote his thesis on one of the other books I used.  I was totally geeked out.  Gillian wished me happy birthday, asked my son's name, said hello to both of us and told PJ to be good to his mom on my birthday.  I almost cried, lol!  They were very rushed so to have them both speak to me made me very happy!  We had fourth row for the panel presentation which was way cool too.  Scully, Mulder, Skinner and Cancer Man were all there.  Seriously awesome.  

And then when we got our photo taken with them David gave PJ knuckles.  PJ was wearing a Captain America shirt {that his daddy put on him which was a great call on his part!} and David said, "Hey Captain America!" and gave him knuckles and I said, "OMG Mulder just gave you knuckles!"  Now whenever I watch the show I'll think, "Hey Mulder gave PJ knuckles!"  They both have kids and they did not see many kids come up to them because not many people waiting to see them brought little kids.  I take PJ with me everywhere so I didn't think to not bring him.  He was so well-behaved that other people were complimenting him and even in the 45-minute panel presentation he sat on the floor and colored and was quiet and amazing.  How blessed I am to have such a great kid!


And our photo is classic.  It looks like we are one happy family, ha!  PJ made the nicest smile of his life and Gillian has her hands on his shoulders and Mulder has his arm around me.  And of course I have a huge cheesy smile on my face. Picture turned out great too. 

Then we were lucky enough to find my son a HUGE super hero sugar cookie right after the photo, after the kid had spent about four hours total waiting in various lines with me, rushing around the convention center trying to find here and there and everywhere and sitting through the panel presentation which to him had to have seemed like paint drying.  My sweet little toot!

Perfect day, seriously.  I am very thankful.  I am always blessed with great experiences.  I really am, and I do appreciate it.  It was a great birthday.

I had to really keep my focus on myself on Saturday.  I could not let any sadness slip in.  I could not think much about meeting James three years ago.  I just could not let myself.  I said hello to him in my energy, wrote a small amount, and that was that.  If I could trade meeting Scully & Mulder for another amazing date with my twin soul- God knows I would have.  Someone said to me, "Well this has to be the best birthday you've ever had!" and I said, "Well it is my second.  I once had another amazing birthday.  I also met someone wonderful that night."  And I mean it.  This was the second most wonderful birthday of my life.  First was three years ago when I met James.  And I surely would have done it again this year had I been able to.  He is who I would have loved to actually spend my birthday with BUT I still had a very good happy birthday for which I am thankful.  Don't think I am not.

I still miss James though.  A lot.  So much that I feel myself trying to close off a bit so I don't ache so much.  I am not sure what else to do.  I hope wherever James is right now he had a good birthday.  I really do.  I love him and wish for his happiness.  I thought of him off and on but I also tried to keep busy.  We had a busy day yesterday too.  Lunch with my parents, cleaned my art room and PJ made some creations while I worked.  I am forcing myself to do SOMETHING even if I don't always want to because I have to.  I just have to, and I don't really even want to talk about it.  What can I say?  I love him.  I really do.  I know he is a good man.  I try to focus only on knowing how wonderful he is.  I focus on the things I would be SO happy to experience with him in the future.

But I live in the NOW.  I live right NOW.  And right now my heart still aches, deeply.  Scully & Mulder or not- my heart aches.  I kept wishing he was with us at Comic Con.  I want him WITH me.  I'd be happy to celebrate our birthdays together.  That is what I wish for, together.  And it aches because I miss him so so so much.  The clear night sky, seeing all the constellations and thinking of him aches.  I used to sit out on my deck at night and talk with him on the phone and I can so clearly remember that, looking up at the stars while talking with him, hearing his sweet voice!  I miss him.  So fucking much.

And I don't understand something.  I am thankful for my blessings.  I am doing my best to get through.  I've told the universe I do want to be happy, right now, blissfully happy.  I want to be as happy as I was when I had James here with me, and I want that with James.  I am happy when I am in love sharing love with another person and I do want that person to be James.  I DO.  I've told God that over and over again.  I want my bliss back.  It was bliss with him, more than anyone else ever.  I love him and my GOD I want my bliss back, my love back.  James.

Last night PJ and I went to our last festival of the season and watched the annual fireworks show.  We had a good time.  He absolutely loves this festival and the fireworks so he was very very happy and excited.  As we were walking home we were looking at the sky and I comments on the stars and mentioned James.  I told him it reminded me of James.  We got home and I got a text from one of my old "loves."  A soul mate.  One that I will get strangely-timed messages from once in a great while.  And it is weird because I'll get a message but then nothing else, not that I want anything else.  Because here is the thing: HE IS NOT JAMES.  I don't wish to hear from this other person.  AT ALL.  Ever.  Not because I don't like him.  I wish him well.  He's a good man.  But I don't care to talk with him.  I WANT TO TALK TO JAMES.  Not someone else!

I get so frustrated when things like this happen!  I don't know why it happens.  Here I ache to speak with my twin soul again.  I think of him all the time.  I love him.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  My biggest wish in the whole wide world is to have James back in my life... and I get a text at 10-something PM from this other person who I have not heard from in ages, who I don't want to hear from, and I actually told him before, a while back, after he reconnected with me that I can't talk with him anymore.  It does not feel right.  It irritates me more than anything because I want it to be James.  I want it to be James.  I only want to talk to James.  If I am going to get a text at 10:13PM at night from a man I really REALLY want it to be James.  Only James.  No one else.

So I hope the universe hears me.  NO MORE.  No-fucking-more!!!  I don't want anyone else.  Do not want to hear from anyone else.  I do not want to talk to any other man- it makes me sad to do so.  Sad.  Because I want to be connected with JAMES and really... it takes a lot for me to keep my patience when this stuff happens because I don't know why it happens.  Why?  To gauge my reaction?  Did something I thought or wrote cause it?  Is is because I've told God I don't want anyone else?  Is that why this happens?  Does me even saying that cause it to happen?

Because it is really fucking annoying.  It is exhausting.  I want to talk to and be with and share time with and live with and LOVE with- James.  Only him.

Maybe my energy yesterday was not the best.  I was not feeling very lovey dovey.  I ache.  I miss James.  That is the problem.  I miss him and it aches deeply, no matter how much I count my blessings.  No matter the huge amounts of fun I can have... I STILL want him with me.  I yearn for him to be with us sharing our fun.  I want him with me.  There is nothing to fill that void, nothing besides his loving presence in my life will ease this ache I have inside me.

And I don't know if this is all... correct energy.  I don't know.  I know what I would love to experience: sharing life with James.  Having a family with James.  Going to bed with James and waking to his smile every morning.  Lavishing him with all the love I have for him.  Allowing him to love me too because I KNOW he loves me.  He cares about me and my son and he wants to show me his love.  And I want that.  I would be happy to experience his love again like I did before.  I am more than ready to accept his love and his wonderful presence in my life.  I KNOW what I want.  I know he is a dear man.  There are hundreds of things I love about him.  I've listed them copiously on my blog already.  I would love to experience being married to him and having our own child together.  I'd be the best mother to his child.  I would love to have his baby.  My son would be an amazing big brother.  And James and PJ would get along well too.  I have my dreams.  I've held on to them through the fucking FIRE.  I know what I want.

But missing him as much as I do tears me up.  I just wish he was back now, forever.  I wish that we could celebrate holidays and special occasions together.  I love him so much.  I miss my friend and love.  Right now I remember him so clearly because the weather reminds me of being with him.  My son and I ended up walking in the same area last night that me and James walked on our first date when James asked if he could hold my hand.  Near the park.  I could almost feel him with me, and it makes me miss him so so much.  To go home and then get a text message from someone else makes me want to cry.  It just makes me want to cry.  It almost feels like divine trickery when I don't understand why it happens, like "ha ha" and I don't understand that because I've done nothing to deserve that.  I don't understand at all why I want to hear from James and I have not thought of this other person at all and then suddenly the other person I don't even care to hear from pops up instead of James when I actually totally ache to connect with James again.  It's like WTF?  Why?  It makes me ache and long for James even more.  Because HE is the one I want to talk to.  Only him.  And I want to talk to him now.  I'd be so happy to see him now.  Hold him now.  Love him now.

What else can I say?  I don't know why these other people pop up here and there but I want nothing to do with them.  I am so glad this other person fell away.  I know it's "orchestrated" somehow but I don't know why.  I am not sure what the message is.  If the universe was feeling me out to see if I'd talk to someone else as a diversion or something to take my mind off things then NO. 

I only want to talk with the love of my life, and that is James.  I'd be very happy to experience being together with him in love now.  Him and only him.

Again, I truly am thankful for the blessed weekend I had.  I don't want to appear thankless.  But I also must be honest.  I had a good fun wonderful time at Comic Con meeting my heroes Special Agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder, FBI.  LOL.  I am a total fan girl of those two characters, through and through.  Got my thesis signed by them with is probably the most geeked-out moment of my entire life.  It was an enjoyable birthday which is what I hoped for, and I am very thankful.  I kept James in my heart and wished he could have been with us and I hope he had his own happy birthday yesterday.  But I still wish he was here with me, together.  I'd be so happy to share love, life and experiences with him.  I love him so very much.

Jennifer

This Song

This I promise you.

Oh how I love and miss the love of my life.

Then this one is playing.

I can't really explain how much I love this man using human words. There are no words. Only feelings. I know he is my Destiny and meant to be here with me. Forever.