Things I Adore

I miss James.  I love him so much.

I heard this song today and it is so beautiful. 

There are so many things that I adore about him.  And he showed me that he adores me too.  He told me I am beauty.  He told me that I am beautiful naturally with no makeup.  He said I am his obsession which is honestly too much for me to even process.  I can't imagine being anyone's "obsession" but I do know that he desires me a lot and loves me even more than he desires me.

I want him to be here with me, to be mine.

I want him to be MINE.  All mine, forever.  "I am certain I am yours." 

This ache is deep.  I want him back with me right now.  I can't really concentrate well.  I ache.  I yearn for him.  I remember him and his sweet kind gentle loving tender silly friendly nature and it blows my heart up because I want him here with me right this very moment.  I am still torn between feeling like I am supposed to be stronger and overcome how sad I feel and/or allowing myself to be overwhelmed by how much I love him and realize I AM going to ache.  Just accept it.  Accept that it's all I can do to keep my son fed and happy in between my tears.  I don't feel like doing much.  I just don't.  I wish James was here.  I miss him.  I ache.  *sigh*  I was doing very good with not drinking but I did drink last night.  Don't ask me why.  I think the text message from the other man when I want to hear from James pushed me hard.  It makes me want to cry.  Whether or not it is part of this "process" does not matter to my HEART.  My heart does not care.  All my heart wants is James back in my arms.  I want to talk to James so so so so so much.  I miss him so bad that I hurt.  I miss him so much and all I want is for him to be back in my life again like he was before.  A friendly caring understanding loving relationship.  

I don't even know what to do.  I'm a mess.  I don't know how God can expect one person to miss another person this much and tolerate it well or at all.  I am not handling it well.  My house is a mess.  I'm unorganized.  I have gained weight.  It's all I can do to be a decent mother, keep up with my child and his needs and make sure I get my ass to work and get my job done so I can earn my pay.  And even then I am productive enough but not as much as I would be if I felt better. 

I wish that he could now.  Could contact me.  Could come back to me.  Could be my loving sweet friend and boyfriend again.  Now. 

There are certain things that I adore... pretty much everything.  He is very gentle, loving and kind and I miss everything about him.