Hi

Hi.

I had a very good birthday.  I went to Comic Con with my son who was the perfect little PATIENT angel all day long!  This poor little six year-old filled with energy little boy stood in line after line with me over and over again with a smile on his face and he kept hugging me and telling me how happy he was!  Me being the clueless person I am did not think about how much waiting we would be doing.  I also assumed there would be vending and I was frazzled so I didn't pack any snacks.  DUH.  On the drive there he ate a PB&J and some fruit snacks.  But at the convention center there is hardly any vending.  Little guy was hungry.  Luckily I did pack a notebook and his new smelly markers so he could sit and color while we waited.  He could not use my phone to watch anything or play a game because I needed to hold the charge as long as I could.

He was such a good kid all day long, and it was good that I had him because Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny both spoke to him and catered to him which was sweet!  I found my thesis about midnight the night before in the very last place I thought to look, and they both signed it.  David paused to look at the title page and ask me about it which was so cool, and he told me he almost wrote his thesis on one of the other books I used.  I was totally geeked out.  Gillian wished me happy birthday, asked my son's name, said hello to both of us and told PJ to be good to his mom on my birthday.  I almost cried, lol!  They were very rushed so to have them both speak to me made me very happy!  We had fourth row for the panel presentation which was way cool too.  Scully, Mulder, Skinner and Cancer Man were all there.  Seriously awesome.  

And then when we got our photo taken with them David gave PJ knuckles.  PJ was wearing a Captain America shirt {that his daddy put on him which was a great call on his part!} and David said, "Hey Captain America!" and gave him knuckles and I said, "OMG Mulder just gave you knuckles!"  Now whenever I watch the show I'll think, "Hey Mulder gave PJ knuckles!"  They both have kids and they did not see many kids come up to them because not many people waiting to see them brought little kids.  I take PJ with me everywhere so I didn't think to not bring him.  He was so well-behaved that other people were complimenting him and even in the 45-minute panel presentation he sat on the floor and colored and was quiet and amazing.  How blessed I am to have such a great kid!


And our photo is classic.  It looks like we are one happy family, ha!  PJ made the nicest smile of his life and Gillian has her hands on his shoulders and Mulder has his arm around me.  And of course I have a huge cheesy smile on my face. Picture turned out great too. 

Then we were lucky enough to find my son a HUGE super hero sugar cookie right after the photo, after the kid had spent about four hours total waiting in various lines with me, rushing around the convention center trying to find here and there and everywhere and sitting through the panel presentation which to him had to have seemed like paint drying.  My sweet little toot!

Perfect day, seriously.  I am very thankful.  I am always blessed with great experiences.  I really am, and I do appreciate it.  It was a great birthday.

I had to really keep my focus on myself on Saturday.  I could not let any sadness slip in.  I could not think much about meeting James three years ago.  I just could not let myself.  I said hello to him in my energy, wrote a small amount, and that was that.  If I could trade meeting Scully & Mulder for another amazing date with my twin soul- God knows I would have.  Someone said to me, "Well this has to be the best birthday you've ever had!" and I said, "Well it is my second.  I once had another amazing birthday.  I also met someone wonderful that night."  And I mean it.  This was the second most wonderful birthday of my life.  First was three years ago when I met James.  And I surely would have done it again this year had I been able to.  He is who I would have loved to actually spend my birthday with BUT I still had a very good happy birthday for which I am thankful.  Don't think I am not.

I still miss James though.  A lot.  So much that I feel myself trying to close off a bit so I don't ache so much.  I am not sure what else to do.  I hope wherever James is right now he had a good birthday.  I really do.  I love him and wish for his happiness.  I thought of him off and on but I also tried to keep busy.  We had a busy day yesterday too.  Lunch with my parents, cleaned my art room and PJ made some creations while I worked.  I am forcing myself to do SOMETHING even if I don't always want to because I have to.  I just have to, and I don't really even want to talk about it.  What can I say?  I love him.  I really do.  I know he is a good man.  I try to focus only on knowing how wonderful he is.  I focus on the things I would be SO happy to experience with him in the future.

But I live in the NOW.  I live right NOW.  And right now my heart still aches, deeply.  Scully & Mulder or not- my heart aches.  I kept wishing he was with us at Comic Con.  I want him WITH me.  I'd be happy to celebrate our birthdays together.  That is what I wish for, together.  And it aches because I miss him so so so much.  The clear night sky, seeing all the constellations and thinking of him aches.  I used to sit out on my deck at night and talk with him on the phone and I can so clearly remember that, looking up at the stars while talking with him, hearing his sweet voice!  I miss him.  So fucking much.

And I don't understand something.  I am thankful for my blessings.  I am doing my best to get through.  I've told the universe I do want to be happy, right now, blissfully happy.  I want to be as happy as I was when I had James here with me, and I want that with James.  I am happy when I am in love sharing love with another person and I do want that person to be James.  I DO.  I've told God that over and over again.  I want my bliss back.  It was bliss with him, more than anyone else ever.  I love him and my GOD I want my bliss back, my love back.  James.

Last night PJ and I went to our last festival of the season and watched the annual fireworks show.  We had a good time.  He absolutely loves this festival and the fireworks so he was very very happy and excited.  As we were walking home we were looking at the sky and I comments on the stars and mentioned James.  I told him it reminded me of James.  We got home and I got a text from one of my old "loves."  A soul mate.  One that I will get strangely-timed messages from once in a great while.  And it is weird because I'll get a message but then nothing else, not that I want anything else.  Because here is the thing: HE IS NOT JAMES.  I don't wish to hear from this other person.  AT ALL.  Ever.  Not because I don't like him.  I wish him well.  He's a good man.  But I don't care to talk with him.  I WANT TO TALK TO JAMES.  Not someone else!

I get so frustrated when things like this happen!  I don't know why it happens.  Here I ache to speak with my twin soul again.  I think of him all the time.  I love him.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  My biggest wish in the whole wide world is to have James back in my life... and I get a text at 10-something PM from this other person who I have not heard from in ages, who I don't want to hear from, and I actually told him before, a while back, after he reconnected with me that I can't talk with him anymore.  It does not feel right.  It irritates me more than anything because I want it to be James.  I want it to be James.  I only want to talk to James.  If I am going to get a text at 10:13PM at night from a man I really REALLY want it to be James.  Only James.  No one else.

So I hope the universe hears me.  NO MORE.  No-fucking-more!!!  I don't want anyone else.  Do not want to hear from anyone else.  I do not want to talk to any other man- it makes me sad to do so.  Sad.  Because I want to be connected with JAMES and really... it takes a lot for me to keep my patience when this stuff happens because I don't know why it happens.  Why?  To gauge my reaction?  Did something I thought or wrote cause it?  Is is because I've told God I don't want anyone else?  Is that why this happens?  Does me even saying that cause it to happen?

Because it is really fucking annoying.  It is exhausting.  I want to talk to and be with and share time with and live with and LOVE with- James.  Only him.

Maybe my energy yesterday was not the best.  I was not feeling very lovey dovey.  I ache.  I miss James.  That is the problem.  I miss him and it aches deeply, no matter how much I count my blessings.  No matter the huge amounts of fun I can have... I STILL want him with me.  I yearn for him to be with us sharing our fun.  I want him with me.  There is nothing to fill that void, nothing besides his loving presence in my life will ease this ache I have inside me.

And I don't know if this is all... correct energy.  I don't know.  I know what I would love to experience: sharing life with James.  Having a family with James.  Going to bed with James and waking to his smile every morning.  Lavishing him with all the love I have for him.  Allowing him to love me too because I KNOW he loves me.  He cares about me and my son and he wants to show me his love.  And I want that.  I would be happy to experience his love again like I did before.  I am more than ready to accept his love and his wonderful presence in my life.  I KNOW what I want.  I know he is a dear man.  There are hundreds of things I love about him.  I've listed them copiously on my blog already.  I would love to experience being married to him and having our own child together.  I'd be the best mother to his child.  I would love to have his baby.  My son would be an amazing big brother.  And James and PJ would get along well too.  I have my dreams.  I've held on to them through the fucking FIRE.  I know what I want.

But missing him as much as I do tears me up.  I just wish he was back now, forever.  I wish that we could celebrate holidays and special occasions together.  I love him so much.  I miss my friend and love.  Right now I remember him so clearly because the weather reminds me of being with him.  My son and I ended up walking in the same area last night that me and James walked on our first date when James asked if he could hold my hand.  Near the park.  I could almost feel him with me, and it makes me miss him so so much.  To go home and then get a text message from someone else makes me want to cry.  It just makes me want to cry.  It almost feels like divine trickery when I don't understand why it happens, like "ha ha" and I don't understand that because I've done nothing to deserve that.  I don't understand at all why I want to hear from James and I have not thought of this other person at all and then suddenly the other person I don't even care to hear from pops up instead of James when I actually totally ache to connect with James again.  It's like WTF?  Why?  It makes me ache and long for James even more.  Because HE is the one I want to talk to.  Only him.  And I want to talk to him now.  I'd be so happy to see him now.  Hold him now.  Love him now.

What else can I say?  I don't know why these other people pop up here and there but I want nothing to do with them.  I am so glad this other person fell away.  I know it's "orchestrated" somehow but I don't know why.  I am not sure what the message is.  If the universe was feeling me out to see if I'd talk to someone else as a diversion or something to take my mind off things then NO. 

I only want to talk with the love of my life, and that is James.  I'd be very happy to experience being together with him in love now.  Him and only him.

Again, I truly am thankful for the blessed weekend I had.  I don't want to appear thankless.  But I also must be honest.  I had a good fun wonderful time at Comic Con meeting my heroes Special Agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder, FBI.  LOL.  I am a total fan girl of those two characters, through and through.  Got my thesis signed by them with is probably the most geeked-out moment of my entire life.  It was an enjoyable birthday which is what I hoped for, and I am very thankful.  I kept James in my heart and wished he could have been with us and I hope he had his own happy birthday yesterday.  But I still wish he was here with me, together.  I'd be so happy to share love, life and experiences with him.  I love him so very much.

Jennifer