Hug

 

Don't Give Up- Peter Gabriel

This is how I wish we could hug.

xxoo

Jen 

Thank You

 

I remember our first date.  I know it would sound strange to most people but even though it's been seven years I still "feel" it.  I feel the memories.  I can't help it.  I've said over and over on here that I am "normal" and sane, well not really normal because I manifest strongly and have "supernatural" experiences happen to me all the time so I guess I'm not really normal and that's okay.  But I am super stable, down-to-earth and a really good person.  And I still remember James even though it's been seven years.  Like get over it already, right?  Well it's not like that.  

This picture reminds me of our first date.  We sat at the park on a bench and looked at the sky and talked.  It was the most beautiful evening and experience, and birthday.  My 40th birthday, my gift.  It was the best night ever.  Seriously.  I liked him from the very start; he was perfect to me.  So sweet, so intelligent and mesmerizing and adorable and friendly and respectful and overall wonderful.  My heart aches.  I still miss him so much.  

I wish I could tell James thank you, but in person.  I wish I could thank him for what he showed me.  I so wish I could have a totally open conversation with him where I could tell him, "Yep this is how it was for me," and explain that knowing him, the connection I shared with him back then, made me have to finally believe and accept that I am a strong manifestor and he, as my strongest mirror, showed me everything I should NEVER think, or speak or write.  That if I focused on what I didn't like, or what I was scared of or worried about, or doubts, that those things would show up in my life as reality because I was creating my own life with those thoughts, beliefs, etc.  He showed me that in a way I could not ignore.  And I wish I could thank him for that because I saw it, clearly, and I believe it fully and I live my life by always realigning my focus to the best things I want for myself and my life.  Because he showed me to do that.  And it was so so so hard, challenging and painful for both of us.  I put him through a lot with my energy, and I wish I could say thank you and I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry, and all I do is love you.  Every day.  Love you, still.  Please know that I still love you, and I always will no matter what.  I will go to my dying day realizing how special you are to me.  

It really is true what is said about "twin souls" or "twin flames."  The connection is real.  It lasts.  I can't really explain to you what the connection is.  I know that for those four years that I was in contact with James we had strong telepathy even if he didn't realize it (and he didn't need to realize it because he did his part perfectly whether he knew what was happening or not.)  I could think something, or speak it, or write it down and he would typically email me and reflect that thought back to me somehow.  It is an eerie experience because you suddenly realize energy is real and life is more than you ever believe it could be.  Your thoughts are not your own.  The universe hears them and sends you people and experiences that "mirror" what you are thinking.  It's really strange when you start to actually see that happen in your life.  Luckily for me James came into my life and he showed me all of my erroneous thinking and beliefs that I had to clear in order to have a very happy life.  And I thank him for that.  After those four years, after I stopped hearing from him, I still get signs.  I get "nudges" when I don't feel like writing about him or keeping him in mind, and when I do think of him or speak of him or write about him I get the signs all over again.  So the energy is still there no matter what.  And I think that is very special.

I still miss him though.  That's the challenging part.  I wish I could walk with him and talk, and maybe hold hand.  And be friendly and intimate and talk and be open and honest and I wish I could tell him that I've missed him every single day since October of 2013.  Every day.  Not a day has went  by where I haven't thought of him.  Or spoke to him in my head.  Or wished I could see his lovely smile again.  I imagine dancing with him, holding hands and talking, smiling, loving each other, even quiet love.  

I've gained weight.  Not a ton but enough that I can tell.  And I'm gonna tell you why.  Sometimes I still ache and I long to do whatever makes me feel good to override that ache so I eat and I still really have to work hard on not drinking too much alcohol.  When I met my boyfriend Dave it was VERY hard for me.  You have NO idea.  I had it in my head for four years that I needed to be alone and not be with anyone else, and it was deeply ingrained into my heart and psyche that I did not want another lover besides James.  Four years is a long time.  But I loved him so much.  And I didn't have it in me to be with someone when I loved another so much.  Like how could I do that?  The lack of honesty and transparency would have fucking killed me.  I couldn't do it.  And then I met Dave and told him all this seemingly crazy stuff about James and all he said was he understood, respected my love for James but asked me to please let him love me anyway.  And I liked him which grew to loving him and caring about him and here we are.  We are happy.  But... I'm not always content because I still love James and I still ache.  I still wish.  I still miss him dearly and, no excuse, I think for a long time alcohol just helped take the edge off.  So I drank.  And I went out to have fun and I've gained weight.  But oh well I guess it could be worse.  I've been working hard on cutting back.  Most of the time I do a good job.  But I still ache and that can hurt.  I just wish I knew him again.  I wish I had him in my life.  I miss my friend.  My love.  I'll never forget.  I still love him and miss him.

It was this time when I was getting to know James.  Talking every day.  Planning to meet.  Getting to know each other was great fun.  He was so exciting and fun.  Easy to talk to and he always wanted to talk.  He wanted to know me, and he put the effort in.  He was excited too and he showed me.  He was happy to show me that he was happy to know me and wanted to know me better.  Friendly, cute, special, kind, funny, talkative, responsive, respectful, open.  He made me laugh.  He made me hopeful.  I loved knowing him.  I loved having him in my life.  I looked forward to hearing from him.  I looked forward to hearing his voice and talking to him into the wee hours of the morning.  We became buddies fast.  We were like-minded in many ways.  I can still remember how I felt knowing him.  I remember, and it aches.  Bittersweet.  It was such a great exciting fun time in my life knowing James.  This weather makes me think of him.  Funny how memories can be so strong even seven years later.  So much has happened, changed.  I've said time and again on here I have a great life.  I do.  I have a super happy awesome life.  My son totally just told me, "You are the BEST mom," and walked away.  I am so blessed and fortunate to have huge love in my life.  I am blessed in every way.  I really am.  I have a great happy life filled with so much good stuff.  Yet all of that still doesn't stop the fact that I remember James and I still miss him and love him and wish I could talk with him again.  I miss my friend.

I miss my sweet friend!!!

Jen

As Time Goes By

So this is why I often push the whole "twin flame" and James situation from my head.  Because when I start to think about it the floodgates open and I REMEMBER.  And then I get signs.  I hear all the songs.

When James and I met for the first time he hugged me, first thing.  We walked from our cars to greet each other.  He looked SO freaking cute!  And he hugged me and said, "You are just as beautiful and I knew you would be."  And he asked if I wanted to go inside for a beer.  He held the door for me and the song "Closer" by NIN was playing.  He said something like, "Some song lyrics hold a lot of meaning, like this one."  Ha!  But whenever I hear that song I think of him and his sly comment.  So the other night my boyfriend and I went out for dinner and on the way there and home we were playing music.  He was asking me what I wanted to hear and I told him to choose because I'd chosen a few songs already.  He paused and said, "What do you think of the song Closer by NIN?"  Now I get it- it's a dude song.  It's about sex, "I want to feel you from the inside."  But he had also played "Take on Me" on the way there.  When he asked me about "Closer" I got quiet and told him I'd rather not hear it.  I just can't.  It's so 80s and it just brings back to much for me.  But those things happen a lot once I start thinking about James.  I see his name everywhere.  I hear the songs.  I hear songs that feel like he's talking to me.  It is just out of this world.

I have a point.  Another thing that happens is I remember James, like when we dated.  How sweet he was.  I remember how much he fell in love with me.  Our late night conversation when he told me, "I'm already falling in love with you."  Talking about marriage, how he could see us married, how he'd never been a dad but he could try, that he'd teach my son about science and help him with sports.  He was genuinely a GOOD, kind, dear, sweet, understanding, patient, emotional, LOVING, cute and endearing person.  He always told me he realized how waiting for an answer to an email could cause stress and he'd never want to do that to me.  He went out of his way to be *responsive* to me because he knew the anxiety an unanswered text could bring to anyone.  He was very aware of protecting my emotions and taking care of me.  He was also very patient with me.  Gentle.  Unusually so.  He was just so cute.  But my point is to go from that to "fell off the face of the earth" STILL frustrates me because I know it wasn't HIM.  I know it is not what he wanted.  I know it wasn't his intention.

THAT is what blows my mind, to this day.  It has been almost seven years since this all happened.  I started talking with James 7/31/13.  It's almost seven years.  And I am a grown ass woman with a lot of responsibility, a busy life, a son, a dear man in my life, a career, and I am an artist.  I camp, I travel, I stay busy.  If it wasn't so BIG then I'd "let go of it."  But I can't.  BECAUSE I KNOW HE LOVED ME.  He loved me when he disappeared from my life.  He loved me.

It's taken these years of distance to see things very clearly.  The time and distance has allowed me to get rid on most of the fear, if not all.  Someone might ask, "Then why are you not with your twin" and the best answer I have is I may have KNOWN what to do but I couldn't do it.  I was too afraid of "my reflection."  My twin soul experience was BRUTAL.  It caused me tons of inner turmoil and terror.  When you have the person in your life who you love SO SO much, "The One," and that person turns out to be your biggest mirror and you have tons of fear and bullshit inside, get ready for the ride of your life on the scariest ride ever.  He mirrored me so hard; it was intense and unless you've been through it you can't understand, and you'd have to believe it in order to understand.  But it scared me.  He scared me due to what he had to show me and I couldn't shake that fear.  So it was a constant mirror of love and fear due to my love and fear.  I couldn't step far enough away from it to change it.

Throw in absolutely ACHING to hear from him, wanting him in my life, but he wasn't and that made me nuts.  And I missed him and so many people in the twin flame community told me "You can't miss him!  You can't be sad or else he won't come back" so I'd fight against missing him and it was so hard.  I missed him along with loving him.  I ached for him.  I was so heartsick.  I loved him SO much.  I really did.  I still do.  But that yearning was horrible and it was all just so overwhelming.

If I was back to say five years ago I would have allowed myself to focus more on LOVING him, and MISSING him, and letting myself grieve and cry and feel sad because that sadness cleansed me as it came from a place of love.  It made me soft inside.  It kept me loving, gentle and kind.  It erased my fears.  It was when I tried to be strong and NOT feel sad that the anger and fear took over, and it was the anger and fear that kept him away from me because "spirit" made sure he did not reach out to me when I felt that way.  Or my energy did it.  Something did it because I KNOW James felt badly staying away from me.  I know he did.  He showed me over and over again but back then I was just too immersed in my fear to be able to 100% believe it.

Looking back now though I do see it.  After nearly three years of near silence, not seeing each other, the weirdest communications ever, he ended up with me.  I had fought with my energy, seriously fought.  Wrote how badly I wanted to see him, thought about it, told the universe I had to see him and I knew he wanted to see me and one day he was just here, unexpectedly.  And when he saw me he hugged me.  I keep marveling over that- he HUGGED me.  And I could tell by his face and his hug that he MISSED me and he didn't like this, didn't want it.  He'd email me, when I had a good moment with my energy, and he'd say he missed me, that he wanted to come back, that he wanted to see me.  But I'd freak out (on the inside mind you) and he'd go quiet again AND IT MADE ME CRAZY.  He responded to my energy, 100%.  And that reality took a very long time for me to believe fully because, come on, how "real" is it for someone to respond to your energy and thoughts?  Like, is that even REAL?  Turns out it is.  It isn't a fairy tale and it's taught me a lot about life and to make sure I love with the purest intentions I can because my inner secret intentions and energy are always known and reflected back to me by people in my life.  But James did it the hardest, the fullest, with the most intensity.

To this day though I sit here and feel a type of frustration because I know that he loved me.  He was actively in love with me, deeply in love with me, and I know he wanted to stay with me.  I know it hurt him to leave.  I know he missed me and ached for me, and that makes me sad.  When we were together last we made love and he touched me so tenderly, touched my face and kissed me while being intimate with me.  And afterwards he held me and while it was SUPER FUCKING WEIRD because I'd waited nearly three years for that moment at the same time it was obvious he tremendously missed me, wanted that moment too.  Ugh he asked if we could hang out and spend the day together soon.  He was sweet and kind, James, my James.  It won't go away, the feeling of "But I know he loved me" and love doesn't just go away.  It can simmer, lay low, but when nothing happens to change love- it remains.  He knew I am a good person.  I must have seemed a bit crazy at times (God did I let my fear get to me, big time) but I was never mean.  I just insisted that I knew he loved me.

And you know what, never ONE TIME did he deny that!  And at the end he finally told me, "You are right!  I do love you.  I always have."  He said he wanted to be with me.  And the last time I heard from him was a call from him, again unexpected, where he let me know... he wanted to be with me.

I'm not exactly sure what I did.  If I pulled away from the energy too much in the end.  I wanted him back so much but I was also lonely and thought about how nice it would be to date someone, be with someone who was actually here.  I suppose I was being "a runner" on the inside.  At that time someone left a comment on my blog telling me "You are the runner" and I feel it was a message I was supposed to hear.  After that I tried desperately for the next year to focus on my energy, release my anger energy, be only love, clear myself, and hold on to James.  I had multiple really nice men ask me out and I told them no because I was in love with someone else.  I TRIED so hard.  I was militant.  But a year later I'd heard nothing and then I met my boyfriend, when I totally was not looking in any way shape or form, and here I am- three years later.

But all along... I've missed James. When I met Dave I wanted James.  I told Dave all about James.  Thank God David is as patient, kind and understanding as a saint.  And he loves me so much, so much that he accepts my love for someone else along with my love for him.  But I still miss James.  I remember his sweetness and how much in love we were, and that love never ended.  The physical closeness did but that love never ended.  WE never ended.  There was no "end." I don't think there was supposed to be.  I know the love was there.

I wish I could talk to him. I hope he feels my love for him,  still.

Jen

In My Heart, Still

I Won't Give Up on Us

How's everyone?  I hope anyone who might read this is doing well in all ways.  I know this has been a challenging time for most people, physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hope you are well, healthy and happy.

Years back when I felt I was going through a "twin soul" or twin flame experience I came across a few really good resources.  One was a psychic who totally knew her stuff and had been through the experience herself.  I mentioned her before on my blog because one day she told me she could no longer talk to me because my higher self didn't want her to, and she basically hung up after telling me to follow my own strong guidance.  I wish I had done so.  I wish I hadn't been so scared of my own reflection being shined at me through James, my sweet James.

One thing she told me was that twin souls, the people who end up in these connections, are very strong manifestors.  We have very strong energy.  She said if we use our energy right we can have only goodness in life if we manifest it.  And I've learned over these last few years that she was 100% correct.  I manifest very quickly.  I have to be careful to only ask for what I really want, and I have to be careful not to let myself complain or bitch or sink into lower energy because then I bring experiences to me that I don't want.  I take very seriously affirming my life in order to make sure I keep only goodness coming to me, and it comes quickly.  So throughout this COVID 19 situation I've actually been living my best life.  I'm working from home with tons of freedom and I LOVE IT.  I love being with my son, being home, hanging out, having the freedom to work in the house in between zoom calls, make nice dinners, sit outside on my deck with the laptop while my son plays or we have a bon fire or we cook outside, etc.  It's been absolutely wonderful.  I've had an income, we are healthy, and it's been perfectly awesome.  Life has been amazing.  I know that's not the case for everyone and my heart goes out to those who are struggling but for me I am grateful for the blessed times I've had.  I'd like to work like this for the remainder of my career and I do believe I can create ANYTHING I want to as long as I really focus on it and on positive energy.  So that's where I am right now, and I hope the same for anyone who might be reading this.

I do still miss James.  I do a really good job of putting it out of my mind though, and I do that often.  I am enjoying my life.  I've been on vacation.  I have a cabin on a creek.  I love my free time.  I have tons of good strong love in my life, dear friends, family and a sweet boyfriend who absolutely adores me and treats me amazingly well.  So I kinda go with my life.  It hurts too much to look back at what was, and it hurts to wish for something that I don't have so I tend to not do it.  I don't spend much time writing about James or thinking about him.  But then I get reminders.  And I "feel" him or I get a huge memory of him and it aches.  It still aches.  I still miss him but because sometimes it hurts to miss someone so much I push it away.  But it is still there.  I wish I could talk to him.  I wish I could sit down and see his smiling face and have a nice sweet kind conversation with James again.  I imagine that he would still think I am beautiful and he would think I am as wonderful as he did before.  I just know he would because that's how the connection is.  I tend to think one of the reasons why we have not magically reconnected is because I pay it little attention, give it no manifestation energy and since we attract to us what we focus on... with no focus I'm not sure it will ever happen.

But that doesn't mean I don't wish for it to.  I'm still with the same man I met three years ago, Dave.  He is a sweet man.  He still stands firm in that if somehow I were to connect with James again he would want me to have a conversation with him, see him again, spend time with him and see how it feels, how James feels, what the universe would bring to us.  So I shouldn't feel guilty but I guess sometimes I do because I know how much Dave loves me, and YES I realize it sounds like a fairy tale but I've had people tell me their twin souls have reached out to them ten years later.  So it could happen.  I KNOW it could, and I firmly believe it could, one day.  But I feel in my heart it only would if I "bring" it to me.  And I tend to just enjoy my life as it is now and fly through life being happy for my now. 

Once in a while, like now, it hits me though.  My long-time friend who also has a twin soul feels the same about her guy.  We still think of them and we know none of this was ever "normal."  They loved us.  A lot.  James loved me a ton.  We were perfect together, absolutely perfect... although I did need to learn a ton about myself, about life, about manifestation energy, about creating, about being a good person, an honest person, about feeling safe being ME and glorifying in being ME.  In loving myself and allowing myself to be loved.  To trust in love, to trust when someone showed me he truly was falling deeply in love with me.  To realize I WAS WORTH IT.  That I am worth it.  I can't really wish to go back because Dave really needed me in his life to help him through after his wife died.  I can't be that selfish to wish these last seven years hadn't happened.  But I do wish I could sit down with James knowing that I was always worth staying for.  That I was what he wanted, a life with ME.  I was worth it!  I feel sad for the Jennifer I was back then, so scared that I wasn't "enough" to stay for, to make a life with.  I always worried that I would "love him more than he loved me."  *sigh*  I don't let myself look back too far because some of the choices I made for myself before I met James are painful to remember so I don't let myself.  I just honor who I am right now: honest, pure, worthy, loveable, healthy, full of self love, a strong sense of self-worth.  A good loving mother who tries her best.  A good human.  Meeting James changed me a lot, thankfully, and my deep strong militant love for him helped protect me through some dark times where I could have made bad choices for myself but I kept reminding myself... I had been loved so purely, so wonderfully, so innocently, so PERFECTLY in my short time with James and I didn't want to tarnish that.  I didn't want to back track.  When you meet a man who is only interested in BEING IN YOUR PRESENCE, who says he will wait for you, until you're ready, who wants nothing more to just hold you and spend time with you and talk to you and email and call on the phone and talk for hours... and who doesn't pressure you for more- you hold on to that love even when it is no longer physically with you.  That's how it was for me.  I held on to that love and no matter how low I sank, how much I hurt, how badly I wanted to just throw myself into someone else to erase the ache for a moment- I wouldn't let myself go backwards to "less" than that perfect love.

That's one thing I can say about all of this.  THANK GOD I waited and honored that love.  It took me four years after James to allow myself to love someone else, and he is a good man.  A damn good man who desperately needed to be loved as well.  I am thankful that I didn't "go backwards."  I listened to my soul when it told me "maybe you shouldn't do that" within those four years while I was healing and grieving and falling apart only to be put back together in a more healthy balanced BRIGHT way.  And I heard my soul tell me when it was finally okay to let myself be loved by Dave.  Although it wasn't easy.  I missed James the first time Dave kissed me and I miss him still.  I still love James.  I've found we can love two people at once, and I do.  And it's okay.  My heart still longs for him though.  I can remember his cute smile, his bright beautiful blue eyes and how he would reach out to gently touch my face with a smile before he would kiss me.  I remember our sweet long kisses, like making out like teenagers kisses, hours on my couch just kissing.  Those were sweet moments, and I miss James.  I miss our conversations about the universe.  I miss him telling me I am made of stardust.  I miss the youthful bounce to his step, how he was so cute and funny and friendly and he made me laugh, a lot.  So talkative and sweet.  A perfect fit.  My buddy and my love.  I became good friends with him and it is so so hard when a friend is suddenly gone so I still grieve. 

I'm still in a "twin soul" connection even after all of this time.  So for anyone reading this- don't think I've forgotten because I haven't.  I've had to get on with my life, for my own sake and the sake of my son.  I HAD to.  Living like I was, staying alone while ACHING every day for this person who was not with me, would have eventually done me in.  I think I was alone for long enough and had to move forward but that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving James.  I love him.  I wish the best for him.  I hope he's been happy and well loved himself because all I want for him is happiness. 

But I still wish he was part of my life. 

I love you.  I miss you.  I really do.  I wish you could see my son, talk with him for a while.  He loves rocks, is a huge fan of geology and he wants to be a NASA scientist.  You'd have a great conversation with him. 

"There's a place in my heart though we're far apart.  May you always know.  No matter since I saw you I keep a flame there for you where ever I go."

xxoo

Be well

Jen

My Sweetest Friend

This is my favorite lady that I've drawn.  Currently I'm drawing and sewing with a goal to sew clothes that I embellish myself with my drawings and art.  I'll get there.  Learning to sew is fun but not necessarily simple.

I've been moody.  I get sad.

Oddly enough this blog has like 750,000 views.  That is crazy to me.  I can only hope that this strange blog has helped a few people.  What I hope is anyone who stumbles across this realizes is I really am a fairly normal, well-adjusted, kind, loving, successful 46 year-old woman and mother of an ADORABLE ten year-old son.  I've got a great job, happy life, own my home, drive a nice car... basically what I am saying is I am very stable.  Even though this blog reads like I must be nuts- I'm not, at all.  I know what I've experienced has been very real.  I know that when I think about something it often happens, or the thing/person/experience comes to me once I think about it, especially if I think hard.  Especially if there is a lot of emotion involved.  I know that my experience with James was filled with strong energy and was like magic would pop into my real life, like it was at times so "out of this world" and unreal, the things that would happen, supernatural really.  Yet I know those things really did happen, even if looking back it sometimes blows my mind.  I hold the entire experience, even though parts were difficult, close to my heart.  I protect that reality and I won't even write it off as "Maybe I imagined parts of it."  I've deleted all the communication between me and James.  Well, not all.  I actually have some of our original messages to each other.  From when we dated.  I have my old iPhone from back then.  It is sitting on my dresser.  About once a year I charge it and read the texts, and look at the pictures- there is a photo of James standing by the Chicago River, a photo I took on our date, and he looks So. Darn. Adorable.  OMG, the cutest, sweetest thing ever!  So so so so cute- it melts my heart but also breaks my heart!!!  The only thing I have not done in a very long time is listen to his old voicemail messages.  He used to call me and leave me super sweet messages telling me how much he loved me, how beautiful he thought I was.  I just can't.  Maybe one day I'll power up that phone and listen to him calling me after I'd fallen asleep, after we'd talked for three hours, and he told me... "I love you."  To this day- it feels like someone squeezes the shit out of my heart when I remember. 

Sometimes it is bittersweet.  I don't always understand it.  When I think about James, especially if I write about him (which I don't very often these days,) I will get signs.  I'll hear James Taylor's "Sweet Baby James" or songs will play that remind me of James.   It always happens.  But I feel like if I just stopped thinking about him, blocked it out, then I'd get no signs and it would all just disappear.

That's why I don't really think that "twin flames" will ALWAYS come back together.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe some day out of the blue he'll reach out to me but I'm just not sure.  I feel like I'd have to focus really hard on that and maybe *poof* one day he'd think, "Maybe I should call her or see her and talk with her."

Really what is, and will always be, the most bittersweet part about all of this is I had him right here with me.  We were a good couple.  We had fun together.  We had no "ending."  When he left he said to me, "This isn't goodbye.  This is until we see each other again."  I was still his girlfriend.  Nothing changed.  HE LOVED ME.  I'm not in denial.  I've had men in my life tell me "I'm just not that into you" and I'm okay with that.  I GET it.  People don't always click.  But James and I, we clicked.  STRONGLY.  Strong clicks.  Lots of clicks.  We talked for hours and hours.  Our conversations went on well into the night.  When we were together we kissed and kissed and talked and kissed.  No TV playing, no distractions.  It was just us enjoying each other's company.  I miss him.  I honestly just miss James. There was no closure.  There was never, not once, a time when that man ever denied loving me.  And I know it is because he DID love me.  He never stopped loving me. And despite all of the really strange shit that went on- ridiculous stuff that I knew I was creating- he was never able to deny his love for me.  One of the last things he told me was that I was right, he'd always loved me.

It's really painful to get to know someone, get close with a person, fall deeply in love with a person, start feeling like that person could be your future, and then suddenly that person is 100% gone.  I can't explain how much it hurts.  I wish I could go back and worry less, believe more, enjoy more, let go of the fear of rejection, fear of being so easily let go of.

I HATE THAT MY FEARS BECAME MY REALITY WITH JAMES.

I mean, I know it taught me a lot.  It finally showed me that manifestation is 100% real and I have to be super careful with my energy.  I *swear* sometimes I feel like I literally make things happen.  If I am in a tiff then my coffee might spill or I'll trip or something like that.  And when I'm very careful to be positive and grateful then life flows more smoothly than ever; people are super nice to me, stuff falls into place, and life just works out for me.  So I really am very aware of my energy and protecting it.  Not that I'm perfect but I do my best.  And I started REALLY believing in manifestation once the shit hit the fan with James.  So I have to be thankful that I was shown, but damn... that doesn't stop the ache any.  I still miss him.  After all this time I still freaking love him and wish I knew him again.

I've been more moody and emotional these last few weeks.  As I stated above I don't write very often anymore, and I especially don't write much about James.  I wonder if I did would it make me feel better?  If I used that as an outlet instead of trying to ignore how I feel?  Because I do.  I push it down and try to ignore how much I miss him.  I focus on enjoying my life, being happy with the goodness in my life, and I try to overlook that one thing that I don't have, the loss that makes me ache.  Because, you know, we are supposed to focus on what we have, right?  But when I ignore how I feel it gets all bottled up and then overflows and I get moody, and then I cry.

I wish I could go back and just be thankful for my gift.  I wish I could go back knowing what I know now.  I'd ignore any doubts and simply embrace the wonderfulness of being in love with each other.  It was special.  It was real.  It was pure.  It was good.  He was respectful and caring of me.  He was patient and kind.  He was such a good man.  A very good man.

My son tells me he wants to be a Geologist and a NASA scientist.  My son is so sweet.  But I have to laugh.  James is a Geologist.  PJ would like James.  I remember James asked PJ what his favorite insect is and PJ said, "An ant."  And now he has an ant farm.  He is fascinated with ants.  It's painful to want to talk to someone so much and to not have that person in my life.  I just wish we could talk, like really sit down and catch up and smile and laugh and be kind to each other and enjoy each others company like we did before.  I wish I could experience the James I knew when we dated, when we were together, when we met.  That giddy, silly, lighthearted, fun, exciting, loving, kind and wonderful friendship we had together.  I miss my friend.

I'm having a hard time with this right now.  It comes in waves, really.  I'll be fine and then all of a sudden I feel so sad, aching, missing him, wishing I could know him again.

It hurts and I try so hard to ignore it and Just. Be. Happy.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing.  Telling myself it's my past, keep it in the past, and finally let go of it all?  Ignore it?  That thought makes me so sad.  Maybe I should just keep on loving him and honoring that love and even hoping that one day I will see his beautiful smiling face again and hear his sweet voice and be able to talk with him like we used to, with smiles and laughter and silliness and joyfulness.

GAH!  If anything it reminds me to always make sure to keep my energy in check and leave any shady dark feelings at the door.  Sometimes I get frustrated and moody and then I have a tendency to have brief bouts of anger, which I really try to avoid by any means.  In my opinion it is better for me to feel sad over missing him, cry a little, feel a bit of heartache than feel irritated.  But what happens is when I ignore my heart THEN I get angry.  When I push it all down, avoid thinking about James, close my heart off to my very real desire to know him again *then* eventually I get frustrated and irritated and it all boils up and I ask myself when I feel so moody and sooner than later I having a crying spell and usually I feel better, because I allow myself to cry over him, over how much I miss him and still love him.

If there is anyone in the midst of a separation, the one huge piece of advice I would give you is please realize this is NOT about the "relationship."  Yes it is about the LOVE.  And it is fine to hope to be together some day.  It is fine to hold on.  It is fine to miss your twin soul/twin flame.  But avoid blaming your twin.  Avoid thinking negative stuff about him (or her.)  I wish people experiencing this connection could understand that anything you think about your twin will become reality.  So think the best, and block out any fears, doubts, etc.  I know it's scary and challenging but it is super important.  They don't mean it.  They are stuck being our mirrors, and the entire situation isn't easy on either person.  I will always believe that James actually wanted to have me in his life.  I know in my heart that this was all... not of this earth, not the reality we think of, and all based on strong energy and all along he loved me and missed me too.  I feel like I actually kept him away from me due to all of the crazy shit I thought inside, and that sucks.  I wish I could go back and clean that thinking up- if I knew then what I know now it would be very different.

I've often thought of writing a book about twin flames, about my experience and what it taught me.  But I want the happy ending that is in my heart.  I want to end the book with "And we hugged and talked and were happy, loving and good to each other."

I still love and miss my sweet friend, my sweetest friend, so much.  Thank you for allowing me to share that here because here I can share it all; I have for so long.

Come to me my sweetest friend.  Can you feel my heart again.   Come to me with secrets bared.  I love you more so don't be scared.  I'll take you back where you belong and this will be your favorite song.

My sweetest friend.  He used to call me his future. 

Never Goes Away

Obviously I don't write here often anymore.  I don't have much to say as it pertains to twin souls or twin flames.  I wish I could tell you that James and I have had some type of "reunion" but that hasn't happened.  I have a very good blessed life, and I thankful for the life I have.  My life is filled with love. 

Despite all the goodness I still miss James a lot.  Yesterday my friend Beverly came over to visit with me.  She is by far my dearest friend, and she understands me.  My boyfriend and I are engaged.  And people are wondering why I am not "gleeful" and squeeing it out all over my Facebook page.  Bev says she thinks I am in turmoil, and in a way I am.  Why?  Because I dreamed of something different.  I dreamed of being married to James.  I've always wanted it to be James.  But I live in the here and now, and my boyfriend Dave is a dear man.  He truly is, and he loves me so much, and I feel like I am meant to be in his life, in the here and now.

It is really difficult for me to express how I feel.  I feel... unnerved.  Unsettled.  Just now I started crying and I needed to come and blog.  Bev has ALWAYS believing my experience with James; she even dreamed of him once.  She dreamed he came to one of our big friend parties and everyone was able to meet him.  Just like my sister dreamed of our wedding.  I wanted those experiences so badly, and I am still not "over it."  I'm not.  Even after all of this time I still feel melancholy about him.  I love James.  I hope he's happy, wherever he is.  I don't know anything about his life right now.  I only remember the man I met and fell hard in love with, the best love I've ever been in.

W can't hide from our hearts.  I can't hide from my heart.  My heart knows the inner truest depths of how I feel.  Yes I am happy.  Yes I love Dave.  I guess I feel like since there is no James in my life then it is inevitable that I will marry David one day.  As I always say, he is a very good man and I love him.  I care about Dave deeply, and I do love him.  But GOD DAMN it is so fucking hard to still love this other man, and to wonder where he is, and to dream about him, and to... remember him so clearly, and to yearn to hear from him and know him again.

I still wish I could meet James again and sit down to talk with him.  I wish we could talk, like really truthfully honestly talk.  The man I met the night I turned 40- he was a sweet dear dreamboat of a man.  And I miss him.  I've been feeling off kilter for the last few days, and I think now I realize it's because I am trying to ignore my heart, push away how I feel because IT IS NOT CONVENIENT.  What would be convenient is to enjoy my life, be happy, be happy in love, be excited to get married, plan how and when we are going to get married, feel light-hearted about it all, and revel in the fact that this dear man David thinks I am perfection and loves me with all of his heart.  But I am finding it really hard to let go.  It hurts.  I am torn. 

How am I torn?  I guess I feel better living with Dave, loving him, sharing life with him without thinking about tomorrow or making societal commitments.  I'm super struggling.  I want to see James again so badly.  Even thought I don't write much in my journal anymore, and I don't really do anything to try (with my energy) to clear the connection or "reach out to him" with my mind/heart/energy- I still miss him.  And I think what happens is I push all of that stuff to the side and all of a sudden it all hits me so hard. 

My son wants to be a Geologist.  Of course he does.  He's in love with rocks right now, and all he wants to do is prospect and find gems and learn about them.  He's a huge Minecraft fan and he likes to take it "into the real world" by learning about stones, finding them, etc.  I miss my Geologist.  I miss the conversations I had with James.  They were so inspiring; he was so inspiring.  And he was so sweet to me.  I ache because I still know in my heart that he loved me dearly, and that love never really went anywhere.  I could tell the last time I heard his voice that he still loved me.  And I have to think that he must still think of me from time to time.  He was really in love with me after we met and spent time together.  He was excited about knowing me.  I remember all that.  And nothing changed.  Nothing changed!  It was all so mystical and weird but nothing changed. 

So yes, this still bothers me.  I just don't write much because I don't have a lot to say, and I wish it could be different.  I wish I could talk to James.  I don't know what would happen after that but I wish, oh how I wish, to sit and talk with my friend again.  I have these two different scenarios, right?  I feel like if I were to sit and talk with James again only one of two things could happen. 

1- we'd sit and talk and James would be the same kind sweet man I knew when I met him.  Kind of like all of the crazy never happened.  I had moments like that over the years after he was gone- all of a sudden we'd reconnect and it would be like ALL of the weirdness never happened.  It wouldn't be mentioned at all, or he'd gloss over it and it would be all normal and good and loving and kind- strange but I learned to accept that none of this has been normal, and that can happen.  Once the energy is clear (and focused only on truth and love) then it all just falls back into place.  So I feel like there would be chance we'd sit and talk and he'd tell me he still thinks of me and how have I been, and boy I still look pretty, and he'd be sweet and kind and he'd still like me, a lot. 

And then there is 2- I think what I want most is this: I want to be able to sit and talk with James like two grown adults, respectfully, and totally honestly.  I wish I could tell him that... I know it seemed really crazy.  And even if he didn't exactly experience the things that I did (the cause and effect, me being the cause and he being the effect) I realize what was happening, even if I don't understand why exactly it was with him, and I learned from it, and I'm sorry, and I've missed him.  I want to be able to hug him and tell him I've never experienced pain like I have from missing him.  That I've missed him every single day since we parted and I've never forgotten him and I've always loved him, no matter what.  That I hope he's very happy and enjoying his life.  I hope he is loved.  James is the type of man who enjoys being in a loving committed relationship and I hope he's been loved by someone wonderful, who truly loves him and cares for him- he deserves that.  Even so I wish I could spill it all, tell him that yes it was scary but I get it, and I love him dearly.  And I miss him.  I wish we could both tell each other, "Man that was some weird shit," and ACKNOWLEDGE that we really did share something "magical" even if... it was so chaotic and strange.  I guess I crave having an open honest talk about what happened (not digging up details) but just to say, "Damn it was strange- I could mention you here where I am and you'd immediately comment on it via email even though you had no "real life" idea what I'd said- like, we are that connected."  Or were.  Are we still now?  I don't know.  Maybe?

I'm not sure what happens with "twin souls."  I'm not sure what to think about this concept of twin souls.  I don't know if it was James because I prayed so hard for EXACTLY him and then he was so strongly energetically connected to me that the entire experience revolved around that manifestation aspect, the cause and effect between us because we were a couple and I thought about him constantly and with tons or energy and emotion... and maybe that is "all" a "twin flame" is.  I don't know.  Whatever he is to me he made a huge impact in my life and I miss him dearly.  I miss my friend.  I remember our long chats well into the night.  I remember our first AMAZING kiss, OMG.  I can't help it.  I'd love to kiss him again.  I miss his face, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, and I miss his tender touch and his kisses, and his hugs. 

I wish all along, when we were apart, I would have just let myself MISS him, even if it meant being sad.  Instead of being afraid or thinking the worst or all of that.  THAT was what kept him away from me, and I would, to this day, bet my life on that knowledge.  Had I trusted him, held on only to him being a good man, not doubted, etc. then a lot of the crazy would not have happened.  What a hard lesson to learn.

I can only tell myself that I will again see him one day and talk with him and it will be friendly and loving and kind, the same energy as when we met.  The same sweet connection, the friendship, the laughter, the joy, the bliss.  I will always love James.  Nothing in my life changes that fact.

Again, sometimes it hurts.  It all comes rushing up to me and I can't deny that I miss him still.  James was one of the very best things to ever happen to me, and I wish I still had him as part of my life.  I miss my friend and my love.

I can't help my love, my heart.  I really can't.

xxoo

Jennifer

My Sweetest Friend

I heard the song "Come to Me" again yesterday.  I don't know if it was just an accident or if I was meant to hear it.  It will always remind me of James, always.  Every part of that song speaks to me.  But I think the part that gets me most is:

Come to me my sweetest friend.  Can you feel my heart again?

"My sweetest friend."  I don't think I am eloquent enough to explain how those words make me feel.  James was my friend.  Yes he was my boyfriend for a short time, and my lover for an even shorter time but he was my FRIEND.  I MISS my friend!  I miss my friend so much!  So when I hear that song, those words, it makes my heart melt.

My sweetest friend.  I miss my sweetest friend.  Yes it's been a while.  I know that.  But when you love someone I guess that love lasts forever.  I love hard.  Always have.  And apparently my heart has the capacity to love more than one person at a time.  Because I will always love James, no matter what.

Yeah I know this blog must sound like the ramblings of a really weird woman.  I get it.  I have a boyfriend but MAN at least when I go to sleep at night I know I've been honest and true to my heart.  I was able to express my love for James this whole time, and maybe that might not seem like a lot to anyone else but it is huge for me, to be able to be honest about my love.  I still love him.  And I will always wish that I could see him, talk with him and know him again.

I wish I could hug James again.

Maybe it is the holidays.  I don't know.  I just miss him.  I wish I could see his face.  His beautiful face and gorgeous blue eyes and sweet smile.  I remember his touch.  How when he would lean into kiss me he would place his hand on the side of my face and lean my face into his kiss with a smile.  I can't help it.  I remember, and I miss him.

I've never enjoyed kissing anyone like I enjoyed kissing him.  I have learned that I can love again but my heart will never love like I loved James. 

Twin Soul?  I don't know.  I can't label it.  All I know is no one else has been my full mirror like James, and yeah he showed me a lot of myself that I didn't want to see but I needed to and I do my best to shift around.  But you know what aches?  On a purely human level?  When we met we had both been with people who were not our perfect match.  He'd been hurt a bit too.  And he told me when he met me he'd finally found the woman he had been hoping and wishing for.  We were a perfect fit.  We talked for hours.  We could sit in a room talking, hugging, kissing for hours needing nothing but each other.  No TV.  No cell phones.  Nothing but each other.  We text, called and emailed all the time and never got tired of hearing from each other.  I KNOW that man loved hearing for me.  That is what makes it, to this day, unbelievable.  I KNOW James enjoyed talking with me and knowing me.  I KNOW he loved me.  I know it.  Maybe I had a hard time believing it back then but looking back, I know he loved me dearly.  He thought I was wonderful.  He just really really loved me.  I know that.  Time has passed but I feel like... he must think of me.  Because what we shared was perfection and it never really ended.

I must be fucking stubborn to a fault.  Believe me many days I consider... maybe it's time.  But I just can't.  I can't "let go."  I NEED truth.  I need to speak with James again.  I will finally feel settled when I speak with him and he sounds like the sweet kind thoughtful caring gentle loving peaceful friendly funny generous considerate respectful dear dear man I met, knew and fell in love with.  I swear if I could hear from him, speak with him, and experience that man again- I might be okay.  I need to have that reflection.

If he was my reflection then, then when I had so much shit inside of me that needed to be cleared, why can't he be my reflection now?  I don't want someone else to be my reflection NOW.   James was the one to show me all of THAT, and I have worked so fucking hard to clear myself of the muck and the mud and the darkness and the anger.  I have tried to be SO conscious.  I do my very best to ignore anything negative or low and focus only on the positive, on my blessings, on being loving and kind.  I wish James could pop back into my life and be a reflection of who I am now.

I believe my current boyfriend is my reflection.  That is why he thinks I am so sweet.  But I want James to come back to me and be able to show me that too.  He was my mirror then and I want him to do the same now, now when I am more clear and happy and sound and peaceful and grateful. 

I want my friend back.  Dear God please I want my friend back in my life.  My loving endearing kind gentle wonderful adorable friend.

Come to my my sweetest friend.  I think of you all the time.  I hope you are well and I miss you.

Jennifer