When I Need You

I thought it might be polite to update.  I miss my twin soul.

The. End.

LOL.  I do miss James so much.  My GOD my heart is aching.

Lately, again, I have not been manifesting or writing to James or my soul in my journal. I was letting myself get distracted with other things when it is more important for me to at least TRY to do what my guidance has asked me to.  That is to focus on my healing, focus on believing in the love, trusting the love, feeling the love, creating more of the love, loving my twin soul, and taking my energy OFF the harsh mirroring.

One thing I have learned through all of this is it is NOT RIGHT for me to go out there and try to push my truth.  It is my truth, for me.  I share it here in case it resonates with anyone else.  If Spirit wants someone to find what I have to say then Spirit will send that person to my blog.  I don't need to force-feed my experience to someone on a forum or on Facebook or anywhere else.  I do think we get to a point where these become solo-journeys.  Pushing what I feel is truth is being kind of egotistical and I don't need to be in ego.  So for me going quiet, staying inner, is where I need to be.  I don't need to be judging other people's experiences because all of our stuff is personal.  We each have unique experiences, and we all have our own journeys to walk through.  I don't need to be judging people at all for the matter.  I have enough stuff about myself to concentrate on without worrying about what others are doing, feeling, thinking, etc.  That is their business, not mine.      

I know there are people out there who think I am deluding myself.  *sigh*  I am not deluding myself although sometimes I do have to "tick off" all the reasons why I know all of this IS truly happening.  I can honestly see why this person would feel I am trying to lie to myself.  I DO have to remind myself of my truth on a consistent basis.  You know why?  Because I get *this* close to screaming FUCK THIS and running off.  Far.  Like "In a land far far away" far away.  I feel myself slipping into feeling resentment and anger and all that does is increases my separation.  Yes it is SO easy to slip into 3D ego, old beliefs, fears, doubts, etc.  I wage a constant battle with myself to stay on track when the "real world" begins to seduce me...

Hell- I don't know if what I am told is the truth for anyone BUT me but it is what I gotta keep following, and that is to constantly work to KEEP MY HEART OPEN.  To remember that adorable man who I know is TRUTH, the one who I know loves me.  The one I am connected to in spirit. 

On the web I also read a comment from someone that she cries a lot lately.  I do too.  Especially when I hear songs like this one, "When I Need You" by Leo Sayer.  I will just burst into a huge crying jag where I release like... I just lost something or someone very valuable to me.  Like my heart aches drastically.  Like I miss someone from the depths of my soul.  This person is in communication with her twin soul but she cries and thinks about how devastated she would be to lose him. It got me thinking.  Maybe it is okay to be exposed and vulnerable, not so strong all the time.

I wonder if maybe I am trying too hard to be strong and "joyful."  I can't really NOT miss him.  Not cry when I write about him.  Not ask God to please help keep me strong and open and loving.  Not beg to shift my energy so he can come back to me, to end the separation.  I just want him back in my arms again.  I am having a hard time being separated from his wonderfulness, and at the risk of saying something TOTALLY spiritually "wrong," I NEED him in my life.  I do.  I need him back with me.

I do not feel complete without him.

I can work.
I can play.
I can mother.
I can love.
I can be strong.
I can even create {as long as it does not take a lot of inspiration.}

Yet I still do not feel complete without him.  Not fully.  Not really, and I don't think I ever will until he is back with me, where we belong: together.

This song.  Oh, this song.  I miss James in a way where I can't find words to describe it.  I can see his smile so perfectly in my mind.  I remember just how sweet and perfect he is.  How he made space for me in his heart, wore his heart on his sleeve, and invited me into that space.  How much he wanted me to be his girl.  How excited he was to come see me and spend time with me.  How sweet he is to my son.  Generous, kind, loving.  And my heart just breaks to pieces.  Absolute pieces.

I cannot stand that he is gone.  I understand it.  I have to accept it but it hurts.  And it does not hurt because something inside of me is not healed.  It hurts because I gave my heart to someone who is not here.  That is why it hurts.  Because I long to touch him.  Kiss him.  Hug him.  Cuddle up with him in bed.  I just miss my love.

So anyway- I hope for those of you who read my blog it can help you in some way, shape or form.  For now it has turned into a way for me to document my feelings and share.  In no way, though, am I trying to shove my truth down anyone's throat- we all have to learn how we learn, and we are all free to believe what we will.  God bless us all :)

And again, to my twin soul:  "Oh, I need you."