"Playful"

I read the word "playful" this morning and it made me think of my Love.  I always refer to him as being "joyful" when I knew him in the {very fine} flesh but the word "playful" is such a good solid reminder of him!  James reminds me of my son in his energy.  They both have a bright clear "playful" energy and that is one thing I really love about James.  His joy and playfulness.  In my past I have been more of a reserved person.  I was quiet for a long time but then I started growing out of that and now I talk a lot!  I am social now but I was not always social.  I switched from an introvert to an extrovert some time ago, probably when I started knowing the REAL me instead of believing in who I thought I was as a child.  I do love to be alone to "recharge" and I don't really love huge crowds.  I like to be in bed early!!!  I'm more of a morning person, not a night owl.  I hate clubs and those places but still I like to be social.  I'm a good conversationalist and I enjoy meeting new people and getting to know them.

Still, though, I've been reserved through much of my life, almost like I did not know how to be playful.  I was afraid to be playful, to open up, to share who I was.  What really helped me relax was having my son.  He was an instant lesson in learning how to not be so serious, to loosen up.  Anyone who had read my blog and knows of my childhood can probably understand why I grew to be a serious adult.  I was a serious child.  Growing up with fear can kinda push the playfulness and being light-hearted out of a child as it did me.  It took me having my son for me to learn how to be like a child.  So through him I am able to be like a child again, and I am!  I am taking him to Disney World for the second time in just a few weeks because I want to enjoy his childhood as much as possible not only for him but for ME.  I did not have a care-free childhood with a high concentration on joy like I am giving him, and while I am giving it to him I am also treating myself to the same sweet deal.  This is why we go to pumpkin patches all the time, parks, play centers, out to get a cookie and hot chocolate, small trips here and there, simple walks around the block, overnights at hotels with a pool... so we can PLAY and be HAPPY.

FYI I am happy.  Honestly I am.  I do miss someone from the bottom of my heart and soul so yes there is an ache here.  I am very much in love with someone who is not in my life so it can make me sad, yes.  But at the same time I also enjoy my life.  I have my "career" job but then I have my REAL job, my soul role, and that is to be a mother.  And I do my soul role to the best of my ability, and I LOVE doing it.  I love being a mother to my son.  It is the best thing I've ever personally done in my entire life, and I do it GREAT.  I am an excellent mother.  I just love being a mom.  And the plus for me is my child is highly joyful.  He is like "Curious George" the monkey- he's always got a huge smile on his face.  He bounces around.  He's highly inquisitive, always in a good mood, friendly as the day is long, does not know a stranger, everyone is his best friend, and he falls in love with life every day.  He's got enough energy for twelve monkeys, and he's my very best buddy.  He is a total blessing to my life and through him I am shown how to have fun, be playful and *finally* be the child I was not in my youth.  So I do :)

"Playful."  When I met James I noticed his silliness right away.  He's a goof ball, and I love that about him.  Not immature mind you, I know what immature is like, but instead very friendly and silly and funny.  He has a great sense of humor, always making me laugh.  He made me laugh often.  After this change happened I was so devastated because, sadly, all of that disappeared.  And one day I was working with my guidance, crying, and I said, "But he made me laugh."  And really I don't laugh enough.  My son makes me laugh, for sure.  But I don't laugh a lot.  And laughing feels so good, doesn't it?  Well James made me laugh.  He either made silly facial expressions or else he was cracking little off-handed jokes or writing me something off the wall that made me smile or laugh.  So I told my guidance, "But he made me laugh," and my guidance said, "I know, and isn't that a beautiful thing?"  And yes- it is a beautiful thing.  So when I think back to the time I spent with him, and a few times throughout this time since I last saw him, often he'd either send me something funny or share something funny or tell me a hilarious story or say something silly... just his bouncy little walk and cute smile was "playful."  Like a child.  My twin soul is like a child in the best way possible, like my son.  Loving and playful and fairly care-free.  He didn't seem to have many worries.  He is a happy guy and it showed.

It can really hurt right now because I have not been able to experience that happy guy in a while due to my own energetic blocks, doubts and worries: fear steals joy.  And I miss him, my kind loving friend, with all of my heart.  I really work at staying light-hearted myself by knowing that I am FREE to experience joy.  I am supposed to know joy and it's okay to do the things that make me feel good or bring me happiness, healthy things like going to a festival with my son or watching a comedy that makes me laugh my ass off or baking cookies with the kids.  It's okay to not really give a shit if my neighbor doesn't like that my yard is not manicured and awesome-looking like his is.  My yard, it needs to be edged.  It needs to be weeded.  There are sticks in my grass from my huge trees, and some toys because the kids play.  If this bothers my neighbor then yes, he's free to come care for my yard himself or he can get over it.  He offered to come do it himself because he said he "doesn't want to despise me" over my yard, and really- who says that?  I told him by all means it he wants to come help clean my yard, fix my fence and power wash my house- I'd be very much appreciative!  God knows I don't have the time or energy to do it myself right now.  He's young and married with no kids and has free time.  I do not have that free time at my disposal, and my yard is soooo not my priority.  So I will take it as a blessing if he does come over and help me, even if my yard is making him nuts, lol.  Thing is I am not going to use my precious free time making my yard perfect.  I am instead going to use it keeping myself and my son happy and "playful."  So I am learning when to just let shit go.  And worrying that my yard is not fulfilling the expectations of my neighbor is one of those things I am learning to let go.  Worrying about shit like that does not make me happy!  Worrying makes me feel guilty, bad and lazy when I am not bad or lazy and I should not feel guilty.  I am a busy, very busy, single working mother.  I already miss the shit out of my Love so I am really trying to live my life in a way that brings me as much personal joy as possible to balance out the sadness I feel in not having my Love in my life.  I already spend too much time behind a desk away from my child so when I am with him we do fun stuff.  And we also clean and cook and do responsible stuff that needs to be done- and there are only so many waking in hours in a day so as a mom who does it all on her own... certain things do get glossed over, and that's just the way it is.  I will take all the help I can get but I refuse to allow myself to feel badly about that :) 

I loved walking along with James holding hands.  He bounces when he walks, like Tigger.  Smiling, happy, glowing.  I miss our walks and talks, our kisses.  We'd kiss and he'd pull back and make silly faces until I laughed with him.  I have a video of him doing this, making me giggle and then he laughed.  Oh how I miss that laugh!  I miss him so much.  His playfulness was SUCH a blessing in my life.  I didn't notice until after he was gone what a breath of fresh air he was in being so silly in such a cute way.  Loving, playful and kind.  Spending time with him was fun.  Happy.  I felt so happy when I was with him because he was just fun to be with.  That joy was contagious.

As my mirror he also showed me that really I am the same way, my truth.  I am also bouncy and fun to be with, and I don't have to doubt that about myself.  I don't give myself enough credit for being an enjoyable presence myself.  People like being with me, and it's safe for me to be playful and leave behind that old "seriousness" that was ingrained in me in my past.  That's not really me.  See my parents used to tell us "You'd better walk on egg shells" which meant to be quiet and good or else we'd be hurt.  So I grew up feeling like I had to be silent, unseen, unheard, and I think I felt I was just an overall embarrassment so I tried to be invisible and I did not feel at all worthy of even being seen or heard, hence why I turned to books as my solace and I used writing to express myself, not a bad thing because now I love to write and I am a huge lover of the written word and I would not have it any other way.  But  I am a free-spirit as well, and as I get older I am embracing this about myself.  I was serious and quiet when I was afraid to be judged for who I am.  Now that I am Awakening I am learning to not mind what others think of me.  It is way more important to be MYSELF, and I am a more of a free spirit than most people realize.  I've come to realize this in the time that James has been gone.  I love color :)  I am much more of a colorful playful person than I knew in the past, unique, irreplaceable- and it's okay to own this about myself.  I saw it immediately in my twin but now I can also see it in myself.

Playful.  What a good reminder.