Human

I keep reminding myself of this fact, that I'm a piece of the universe playing human for a while.  It's been quite a ride.  I feel like I'm really fighting to own truth right now.  My brain keeps slinking back to these thoughts that I don't want, and I am trying to combat it.  Because I KNOW that human I kissed and hugged on in my past.  My Love.  I do remember him.

There was a question posed the other day on the web that got me thinking.  It was about twin souls and it asked- do you love the person or the connection?  Like... do I love James or do I more love the spiritual connection I have with him?  It took me only a fraction of a second to respond in my head.  Oh, I love HIM.  I love him.  Some of the people who responded said they love the connection more than the person.  I've felt strong STRONG soul connections before and they felt good.  At the moment when I knew those people, man... it was intense.  Those were AWESOME connections.  Soul-love is a GREAT feeling.  But if I was only after the feeling of divine soul love then I'd be happy with one of those people from my past, and I've had one return to me and want to pick up where we left off and I said NO.  I am no longer "in love" with that person, and even though the ooey gooey soul connection felt great at that time, and I will always care about this person, I love another person now.  Even if both "connections," in their good loving moments, feel very much the same.

I have no doubt if I made contact with another soul connection that the love could feel warm and soulful again.  But I am not in this for the "connection" or the way the "twin soul energy" makes me feel.  I fell in love with a person, with an individual, with another human being.  Not with a "connection."  I fell in love with a quirky, adorable, sweet kind person... not just a soul collective.  Not just "twin soul energy."  I do not believe that energy hops from person to person.  I really don't.  My beliefs are my own but like I said, I've experienced strong soul mates in my past.  But they were soul mates.  They did not mirror me fully and they did not have to be hard on me.  I don't like labels so all I can say is they were special to me but they were not my "soul twin."  There is a reason why a twin is called a TWIN.  Because twin means ONE.  One single exact match.  Not more than one.  But one.  I do believe we have many soul mates who can come to us to love us and bring about a lot of change, some chaotic.  But they are not the twin soul.  They are soul mates.  They can even feel the same on some levels but none of my soul mates did or do for me what James has.  My connection with him is intense.  And to be honest with you- I LOVE him as a human being so very much but sometimes I do not like this connection.  It is not the easiest connection.  My soul mates were much much easier.  Yet I love this person.  With all my heart.  No matter how challenging it can be.  I love this person so fucking much that I continue to stare fear in the face and walk into dark places that not many other people would walk into, and pretty much because I love him and because I do trust the connection.  I trust that it is based on total unconditional love and somewhere he is out there loving me despite appearances.  When it is said to walk by faith and not by sight?  Oh yeah, that is me right now.  I am walking by faith alone, and through forcing myself to look back and own truth and continue to fight through fear.  Do I love it?  Hell no.  But I love him.  SO very much.  I love him as a human.  My cute little Geologist, funny, kinda corny sometimes, he who makes me laugh when not many others can.  Warm and gentle.  Intelligent as all get out, totally aware, loving, merciful, tender, passionate, caring, giving, warm, considerate... and just an all around wonderful HUMAN BEING.  I know people out there might shake their heads and think, 'She loves him more than she loves herself," and that's so not true.  I love myself SO much that I know I deserve an angel like him.  And that is why I am still in this.  Right there.  Because I am so amazing that I deserve his wonderful love.

Not a connection.  NOT "I can just move on and find this feeling with someone else."  It does not work like this for some of us.  I met someone who changed my life, who made such an impact on me that it was like I ordered him up myself piece by intricately wonderful piece... oh wait, I did.  I did ask for him.  I asked for every single loving hair on his body, every aspect of him... his charm, his wit, his adorable nature.  I DID ask for him.  How am I supposed to replace such uniqueness with a new "connection?"

I just had to get this out.  Some of us fall in love with one single particular SPECIAL person.  A walking breathing person.  Not just a soul.  Not just a "feeling" or a connection that can be easily let go of and replaced.  I love him, and there are plenty of reasons why I love HIM and have not moved on to someone new or allowed anyone from my past to come into my life as romantic interest, past soul connection or not.  None of them are James.  And I love James.  For good reason.

So for some of us it is not all about the "connection."  It's about the darling of a human being walking around out there, a unique one-of-a-kind individual.  An angel on earth.