Feelings

A friend from my past contacted me the other day, and it unsettled me.  He is my friend from some years back, early on in my Awakening, and I felt he was meant to be a spiritual guide for me but that did not happen.  He had a very interesting spiritual path he was embarking on at that time and we'd discuss it but in the end he became upset that I did not want to be more than his friend, and I adamantly only wanted to be his friend.  So anyway that was a few years ago and we drifted off but he still reaches out to say hello once in a while, and sometimes when he does he mentions how sad he is that I couldn't see past his "appearance" because he seems to think I was not attracted to him due to his looks which is not the case.  I felt friendship for him.  When he reaches out to me I answer friendly because I am friendly.  I tell him about my son, let him know how I am, tell him I wish him well and that's about all.  He knows there is someone in my heart who I dearly care for.  But also this old friend of mine is a good human being and I wish him happiness.

I open my email the other day and he'd emailed me.  In his message he told me something like, "Hey old friend I thought you might get a kick out of this," and he told me he'd recently gotten a full-sleeve tattoo but not only that... he told me he got his "genitals" pierced, what's called a "Jacob's Ladder," and since I am not "up" on the genital piercing lingo I had to google it.

Seems this particular piercing adds to a woman's "pleasure" if you get my drift, and him even telling me about him getting his dick pierced REALLY rubbed me... entirely the wrong way.  In a separate message sent at another time he mentioned that his work would be bringing him near my area again.  I kept my cool {I really try not to be reactive at all these days, or as little as possible} so all I said was how funny, and that I had no comment besides asking him what his wife thought of it.

But the later I just could not stop myself.  See... I want to hear from JAMES.  My love.  I want to hear from my love who, YES, I do still believe is single and waiting for me, wanting me.  I have my own personal reasons for believing this.  If anyone is going to send me a personal comment then it should be James, no one else.  I just don't want that from another man.  It feels WRONG.  I asked myself why am I hearing from this "old friend" right now?  Usually they pop up for a reason.  It is to see if I am so lonely that I will engage him in conversation because that is SO not going to happen.  I honestly do not want to talk to any other man besides James.  I have no desire to do so.  I don't want a replacement.  I emailed my old friend and very very politely told him I did not appreciate him telling me that he got his penis pierced.  I told him that in no way shape or form do I want to know ANYTHING about his private area, at all, and there was no reason to tell me.  I told him to please speak to his wife about those matters.  And then I felt better after I was authentic to my feelings.  I was rather disgusted and put off, to be quite honest.  I am very protective of myself and it just made me feel so... icky.

Just like when months back another one of my past soul mates reached out to me after separating from his wife and he started being all sweet to me.  It had been over two years since I'd even talked with him and it felt wrong.  I told him I was in love with another man and he said he'd change my mind, and I told him... um, no.  Not going to happen.  Just him saying that was disrespectful to me, and how arrogant, right?  I wanted to be his friend but he kept calling me "baby doll" and saying things like "Good morning beautiful," and those are sweetnesses that James said to me.  I don't want that from this other man, at all.  He kept telling me he missed me and I do NOT miss him!  So finally a while back it got to me so badly that I told him I can't do it.  I love him and wish him well but I don't want to remain in contact with him.  He is part of my life that is over now.

I am not used to cutting people out of my life.  It does not come easily or naturally to me but if a connection does not feel right then I don't want it, you know what I mean?  I've been thinking of a few different things here lately, like another past lover of mine, the last time we were together which was years back {and I knew it would be the last time} he pulled my hair, and I didn't like it at all.  It was unexpected and not appreciated.  And I told him so.  And my GOD he's one I loved SO much but at that moment I remember very vividly telling him to stop it.  I didn't like it, and I told him so.  I am not meant to be a play toy or a fantasy-fulfiller.

Well that was the "old" me.  None of that shit would happen now for various reasons.  The last man I made love with was a very special angel who I love a lot and my memories of him are enough.  Getting laid is the last thing on my mind. But beyond that, I am different now.  There is just so much I could not tolerate now that I would have a few years ago.  Being with James offered me my innocence back and I plan on protecting and honoring that fact. 

The part that makes my heart ache MOST is the contrast between all that shit and James.  It is bittersweet.  James was just so sweet and gentle with me, and very polite and respectful.  Yes we flirted, and it could be a little saucy at times, but it was so not "sex chat."  It was never to get him off.  He was never ever selfish.  He flirted a bit but it was sweet and friendly and just to banter and be loving.  He shared a fantasy, sweetly and purely I might add, here and there- and then after he'd send it he'd get all freaked out worried that he may have offended me because he was so very protective of my feelings.  Like super considerate and caring.  He once told me he'd rather "punish me with kisses" than ever be rough with me... and that is just so James.  Very sweet and gentle.  God he'd never ever say anything to me that he thought might come across as crude or disrespectful.  I LOVE that about him, that tenderness and caring attitude.  Just so entirely sweet.

So the CONTRAST between his loveliness and this guy sending me an email out of the blue telling me about his piercing is... well, piercing, to my heart.  TO MY HEART.

The old friend emailed me back and apologized and he said he felt it would be better if we no longer keep in contact, especially since I have someone I hold special to my heart.  I wrote back and agreed and wished him well.  And that is that.  I feel better like this.  I don't want any man besides my twin soul telling me he misses me or thinks of me.  Anyone else and I cringe.  It just does not work for me.

I guess I am entitled to my feelings, and it is okay for me to be honest and express them.  I have no desire to be in contact with any other man right now.  I just don't.  I feel protective of my energy and interaction, especially like this, feels invasive to me.  But again these things highlight the truth behind the sweetness I had when James was in my life, a reminder maybe.  And I love him to no end, eternally.  I miss him with all of my heart, and I thank him for how kind, gracious and darling he was to me.  He who showed me how I deserve to be treated and loved... I will love you forever.