Hi

This is just a little hello since I know some people out there are still checking the blog.  I hate going totally quiet.  I really only have one small update, and it's personal.  Mainly about me and my progress.

There is a song playing right now.  "Nothing's Real But Love."  So true.  Anyone who has paid attention to my blog should know that I am not meant to believe my twin soul when he's not showing me love and compassion.  My twin soul is a very loving and compassionate person; that is his truth.  I am also a loving and compassionate person.  That is MY truth but on the inside when my fear kicks up I become, in my energy and thoughts, a very mean person.  And it is not the "real" me.  It is only fear.  I might not actually send it out in 3D but the energy is there, and my twin soul is my energetic mirror.  He feels me, knows my thoughts and feelings, and he shows them to me so I can see what I need to shift and clear.  I know that I can never fully believe as truth what he sends me if he does not do so with love, understanding and compassion.  But I have to clearly see what he shows me, accept it and work to cleanse it from myself.  It is a process.  I could not see it so clearly if he did not show it to me.

A few weekends ago I had the best most blessed day ever.  My son and I did some errands.  We went second-hand shopping and I found him some great clothes at a ridiculously low price.  And he got a huge train set and was so excited.  We visited my parents for a while.  We had a nice meal together.  And on the way home I decided to stop at a park we never go to.  It is a great park, and it was an absolutely beautiful day.  I figured laundry can wait!  On such a perfect day it would be a shame to sit inside.  It was a day made for playing outside.  We walked hand in hand through the park and then he played for a while until he saw a school mate, and he was so happy to play with a new friend.  I met his friend's mother and made a new friend myself.  We talked and made plans to get the kids together, so it was a great day.

And then I saw her.  My long-time best friend, my "sister," from my youth who I have not seen in far far too long.  We keep meaning to meet up when she is in town and it never comes together and often we go years without keeping in touch yet we love each other dearly. She's had some health issues and has been coming back here to the Midwest to see her doctors, and she was recently tested for Leukemia but, praise God, it's not Leukemia.  She's starting to feel a little better but we keep missing each other and there she was, walking towards me.  I swear we ran into each others arms like two long lost lovers, crying and saying, "Oh my God I can't believe it's really you!"  I just love my Kimmy.  We agreed it was divine intervention that we saw each other because she almost didn't stop at the park with her son, and I never go to that park.  We were driving past on our way home from our errands and decided to stop because it's a great park.  I talked with my good friend for a few hours, and it was so amazing to see her and hug her!  She said she feels so good after seeing me, and it makes her love me even more, and the feeling is mutual.

So my point?  I had a blessed day all around.  My son played with his school friend all afternoon.  It was a gorgeous day.  I got his winter clothes all bought, economically.  I made a new contact with my son's friend's mom.  And I saw my old friend and was able to catch up with her.  I should have been thankful.  I should have told God "Thank you for my blessed day.  I appreciate it."  But I did not.  I went home and felt... mean inside.  I just had bad energy later about my union.  About being separated.  About the unknown, feeling like I am in limbo.

Answering an email to my friend who is a twin soul I had really crappy energy.  I basically said I don't need God.  I was pissed at God.  And before bed I did some journal writing and it was just all ego and being defensive, and I was not at all loving concerning my twin soul.  I was not kind.  I had victim-energy and I wrote something like, "And I know I am not bad enough for him to act like a beast."

Well never refer to your twin soul as a beast.  It's not fair, and it might come back at you to show you that it's not nice energy.  And it might come back at you to remind you that you are creating with your words and what do you want to create?  A beast or a prince?  Love or fear?

I woke with a word in my head, very clear.  "Hubris."  I did not know that word so I had to look up the definition.  Well, let's hope you don't wake with that word in your head, ever.  It means "arrogance, full of ego, chip on the shoulder, non-humble."  That was the definition of how I felt before I went to sleep, and I am not proud of myself or anything.  I am just sharing for those who need to see what happens when we twin souls who have strong energy use that energy towards fear and spite instead of love.  Later in the morning I found that my twin soul contacted me in the middle of the night after I'd felt all of that "hubris," shot it out to the universe and fell asleep.  And yes he acted as my mirror AGAIN.  And yes it sucked and was scary AGAIN.  I did not contact him in 3D first this time but he reached out to me in response to my energy.  I won't disrespect him by sharing what was said.  I can tell you that this time I had a different response than all the other times.  This time I was not hurt because I knew he was just being my mirror.  Yes it is frightening when it happens but I am scared of Halloween haunted houses too and I know they are not real. 

This time I saw myself very clearly. I put my head in my hands and cried because I knew that *I* did this.  Me.  I saw myself SO clearly that I immediately, out loud, apologized and begged not to see any more of myself, not then.  It was too horrible.  I was actually somewhat embarrassed to see how hard I crash into fear and ego.  And I vowed to MYSELF, and God, and Higher Self and to my poor sweet twin soul that it would be the last time.  I DO have enough strength and awareness now to choose not to fall into ego again.

So that is my goal right now.  To steer clear of allowing ego to take over my thinking, and to stay in love.  I CAN do this.  Two years ago, nope.  I had to get here to this place where I can see myself so clearly that I no longer want to see it anymore.  And I do not want to make this man have to be my fear mirror again.  It's not fair to him, at all.  I do love him, and I love him enough, honest to God, that I don't want to make him slap the shit out of me again with my own energy.

Hopefully I have been humbled a bit.  I needed it.  To be reminded that God is love, nothing less.  I am NOT doing this alone.  My energy is strong and is to be used for love, not fear.  Also I don't need to feel such fear or anger over my separation.  I can't.  I know I am loved no matter how things may appear right now.  I know this is for a purpose, and I have to accept that no matter if I don't love it right now.

I did write back, carefully.  Careful with my words and energy.  I was not really scared of him.  I was just sad that I made this happen again.  Only those who can understand where I am coming from will be able to accept this but I felt I owed him and God and Higher Self an apology, so I apologized to him.  I told him I know why he did it, and as strange as it may seem I thanked him for showing me, again, what I need to see and CLEAR once and for all.  It is all borne of fear.  My anger and spite and defensiveness comes from fear.  I am not normally an angry person but I get so afraid and so full of disbelief that I throw up my defense mechanisms, my walls of spite and anger, and that's not a good thing at all.  It's all fearful lies inside brewing, churning, and I feel so full of stubborn doubt and resentment.  And it has to stop; this is what I am being shown.  I won't ever create anything good concerning love if I continue to create this doubt-fueled energy so I have to change it, and he shows me this clearly.

I hit "send" and asked God vehemently to NOT give me a response back.  I did not want to see myself anymore at that moment.  Lord, no.  No no no.  It was not pretty, and I did not need to see anymore.  It came through loud and clear: be love, not fear.  Luckily for me God and my twin listened and there was no "back and forth."  I got what I needed already.

It is time for me to walk my talk.  Always.  So I am really working hard to be aware, loving and kind as much as humanly possible, it all ways.  In all my thoughts and intentions.  It seems to be the safest route to travel!!!  And I am cherishing my twin soul as much as I possibly can.  I am trying not to let any fearful thoughts roll in my mind.  No victim-thinking.  No concentrating on "Why me?" but instead the reasons why I love him so much, and I cherish him, and I adore him, and I hold his loving memory tight and close inside of me.  One day this way of thinking will become a habit and override ego.  That's my plan.

I pray to God to be humbled every day.  To be ONLY love.  I have asked God to go ahead and show me, hard, when there is something I need to see so I can see it fast and hard so it can be cleared.  This is what's been happening for the last two years anyway but I PRAY with all my might that this was the last time.  I do not wish for that fear-mirroring to happen again, and I don't want my twin soul to be put in that shitty position again.  I wish for him to be able to show me only love one day, but that is on me.  I know this.  I know it as strongly as I know the sweet little kisses from my own child.

After a couple of weeks of praying and writing and surrendering my defensive walls to God I had something kind of strange happen, and I am not going to explain it here.  My apologies but it's too... it does not need to be explained.  All I can say is part of me thinks I may have received the dash of hope I'd been praying {begging} for.  I've been praying for hope, for a miracle, something because yes, I am hurting.  I miss this man so much that I ache through and through.  I love him from the very bottom of my soul, and I miss his smiling face.  I miss his joyful nature, his kind sweet personality.  I miss my love and FRIEND a lot.  I may have received that dose of hope I asked for.  I'm still unsure- it was an odd experience but I really feel I received some messages from my twin soul, messages that told me to hold on.  I was totally reminded of the sweet loving goofball of a man I knew, and I'm choosing to take it as a blessing, something to show me to stay strong.  So I am being as strong as I can.

I hope you are all well and blessed.

With much love,

Jennifer