"Happy"

I have something on my mind.  And when I have something on my mind it kind of rolls around in there and causes mischief.  Or wreaks havoc, or the like.  I don't want to appear defensive but I do want to explain something about myself.  So here goes.

My twin soul makes me happy.  Time spent with him makes me happy.  His kind words and tender touch MAKE ME HAPPY.

There, I said it.  When we were together being with him made me happy.  Ever seen couples out walking hand in hand, faces glowing?  Yeah- they shine because they make each other happy, and it's OKAY.

Last night I went to see Josh Groban in concert with my friend Jen and my mom.  I want my mom to feel good about our relationship so I try to do special things with her from time to time so I got her a ticket and took her for dinner to The Walnut Room and then Josh sang all show tunes, which my mother loves, so it was a great night.  My friend Jen, on the way home, was talking about her sweet boyfriend Joel.

A little background.  Jen was single for eight years following a heartbreaking break up.  She acted very jaded about love.  We have been friends for about ten years and my hopeful little heart grated on her nerves.  Spring 2014 James told me he wanted to come back and see me and the push-pull thing happened and then silence happened again.  I spent the weekend not long after that with Jen and I spoke of my love for James and it unnerved her to no end.  Any talk of love unnerved her.  We were with another friend, another Jen, and SHE spoke of love too and by the end of the weekend Jaded-Jen wanted to kill us.

So on the drive him we got into a debate about love.  I told her that she needed to stop being so intimidating and let her walls down because she'd never find love being so closed off and pretending to hate love.  I told her that God had someone waiting for her.  I actually told her, "You are going to try dating and there is someone just waiting for you- he's going to be right there waiting for you.  God has him waiting.

So four days later she joined Match.com.  Her "rules" were set to somewhere like within 100 miles but some guy 1000 miles away wrote to her and guess what?  Now, over a year later, they are very much in love and they travel to see each other about every 6-8 weeks and she is looking for a job where he lives.  I've never been more happy to be right in my life.  He was just waiting for her, and he is definitely a soul mate.  I'm certain marriage is in their future, and Jen has an interesting history because she had bariatric surgery a couple years ago and lost an entire person's worth of body weight. Her path has been a challenge too and this guy loves her to the moon and back.

Joel was just here for a visit last weekend and me and my son went to dinner with them.  He wanted to meet my son because he loves kids and wants one of his own.  Last night I asked Jen how she was doing and she explained that it gets harder and harder each time they see each other and they have to part.  And she said that after Joel left this time she cried a lot.  She said, "I am so happy when I am with him.  He makes me so happy," and she said it with such feeling and sincerity, and my friend is a VERY strong independent woman.  She knows how to take care of herself.  She's a parole officer and has a Psych degree and all kinds of credentials and works with high-risk mentally ill people, etc.  She is no push over, no weak woman.  She is one strong smart cookie.

And as I listened to her soften as she spoke of her sweet boyfriend it really made me think.  She said Joel makes her happy, that she is so happy when she is with him.  And in the "spiritual" community people always rally against a statement like that because "happiness must come from within."  And I guess I understand that but really- we are so so happy when we are with the ones we love, especially the man/woman we love, our life partner, a romantic interest and mate.

So I am tired of acting like I have to be so "okay" and happy being alone without James.  I am SO tired of having other people walking this path lecture me on being happy alone, fulfilling myself, making myself happy.   I live a good life but I MISS the love of my life.  I had such a great time with him.  He made me SO fucking happy.  I was on cloud nine with him because he was perfect with me; we were perfect together.  Kissing him, holding his hand, hugging him, talking to him- all of it was the happiest time of my life.  And I am not going to pretend like I am so fucking happy without him! It's ridiculous for anyone to feel that way.  And it is frustrating to me that people lecture so often about the need to be so happy alone.

I don't need sex or physical gratification or anything like that.  I've been celibate for two years now and I am fine with that.  I don't want "sex."  I want love with my twin soul.  I want my Love back in my life.  I could care less about getting physical interaction with anyone else, ick.  I just want him.  In all ways.  Even the thought of just talking with another man makes me cringe; I don't want it.  Throughout these two years I've felt a bit put out that I'm "on hold" but suddenly now I am so not put out.  I have no desire for anyone else.  The thought of another man touching me makes me cringe. I've cut out any contact with men because none of it feels right.  I only want to talk to my twin soul, my friend.  He made me so very happy.  Our conversation was inspiring and right.  His touch tender and gentle, his heart affectionate, and his being wonderful.  Being with him made me happy, plain and simple, and being without him leaves a hole inside of me that NOTHING can fill: no hobby, no activity, no meditation, no NOTHING.  Nothing can replace him.

Hearing my friend speak of her sweet boyfriend and how much it hurts her when he has to leave, how she misses him, how he makes her happy and then she's sad when he leaves... it let me know that missing someone is normal.  It is to be expected when you love someone.

Being with him... it made me so very happy.