See The Stars With You

See The Stars With You

Today is a rough day.  Second night in a row where I've come awake at midnight and I don't know why.  Wide awake.  Just laying there with thoughts in my head and songs playing in my mind.  Last night was Diana Ross singing about missing someone.  *sigh*

I just don't know.  

I have some "real life" stuff I need to address and on top of how I feel emotionally it feels like I am ready to crack.  I cry all the time.  I cried this morning with my son's teacher.  I am trying to keep it all together.  But I feel like I barely am.  My son... is adorable.  He is wonderful and sweet, very kind sensitive little soul.  He is also extremely high-energy.  And I mean EXTREMELY.  In pre-school they told me he was the highest energy child they had, and now in the public school system, well, it's been a challenge.  So I am going to have him tested.  I am terrified of stuffing a pill down his throat simply because he has too much energy to sit in a chair All. Day. Long.  They get like 15 minutes of recess!  Come the fuck on- they are six and seven years old!  But my son in particular- his teacher told me today that she loves him.  He has a sparkling loveable personality.  He is sweet.  But he also is very very social and talkative and he cannot sit still.  She was careful with his grade in conduct on this first report card; she said she knows he "can't control himself" and it isn't his fault.  He is always moving.  Always thinking, building, talking, reflecting, "what if-ing," working shit out through his words, contemplating, engineering, singing, la la la-gin, humming, moving... he is never still unlesshe is sleeping.  He sleeps hard and long and wakes talking.  I swear- he wakes up talking, asking me questions, telling me stories.  He wakes with stuff already in his head.  And he's like that all day long until he falls asleep fast and hard, and he still has a routine bedtime.  He is such a sweet child but I am not sure what to do with him and this high-energy thing he has going on.  He's so smart and engaging.  I don't want to give him a drug to take away who he is; this bright light personality is what makes him unique.  I don't know what to do. 

I am fucking tired.  Even without a twin soul thing in my life I am tired.  Add in whatever is going on with James, this thing I don't totally understand, and I'm exhausted!  I do not understand.  I don't.  I feel lost.  I understand that we have a "connection" of some kind.  He somehow reflects me, whether or not he knows he does it- he reflects me.  I did not ask for a mirror soul to come into my life.  I asked for a sweet boyfriend, and granted I did get what I asked for but I did not realize he was going to reflect my fears and stuff back to me.  I did not know that.  I just wanted him to stay with me.

That is all I wanted.  I wanted him to stay with me.  I am so sad because he could not stay with me!

I am so so so ready to have a companion in my life, someone to help me, someone I could help as well.  When I met James he very quickly started saying things like, "Maybe one day we will be sleeping next to each other."  He says he wants to make love to me every night.  And he told me one night when we were on the phone that he was sad when he went home at night and I was not there, he was wanting me to be there when he got home at night.  He did not want me at my own house and him at his house- he wanted us together.  He told me he could see us married.  He told me he could see himself as PJ's step-daddy.  He said, "Let's talk about when we are married..."  He said, so sweetly, "I don't know how to be a daddy but I am sure I could learn.  I could teach him science and help him at sports."  He said he finally met the woman he could see himself wanting to have a child with since he saw how good I was with my own child.  And I am a good mother but I am tired of doing it alone.  I want my mate, my companion, and I am SAD because James told me he wanted to be that partner for me.  He told me.  And here I am, every day wanting and hoping and praying that he can come back to me so we can have what we dreamed of together.

I want a life with James.  I really do.  I can't forget or let go of how good he was to me and how he spoke my every dream to me.  Full mirror.  Ugh- full mirror.  I've had other people who reflect me, other soul mates, but they were not my "full mirror" like James is.  I have this strong faith that we have a unique connection where the opportunity to come back together exists- and that is why I don't give up.  I have this deep faith that eventually, when I get this "right," he can come back to me because I believe he truly wants to come back and be with me.

I miss him.  I miss the adorable man I met, got to know, fell in love with, kissed for hours, held hands with, talked with forever, shared dreams with, made love with- I was so entirely happy with James.  I've never been that happy in my entire life.  Not even when I had my son was I as happy as when James was here in my life as my boyfriend.  I loved being with him, loved knowing him, loved spending time with him or even just talking to him.  My GOD just knowing he was in my life, actively a part of my life, made me feel so content and good and happy.  I thought I... was finally going to have a chance at being happy.  I felt like I met the best guy in the whole world.  I fell in love with him so quickly.  It made me totally vulnerable and brought my fears out, yes it did, but STILL I loved him SO much!  I thought that maybe finally I'd met "the one" and we'd be happy together.  I wanted everything with him.  He treated me well.  Better than anyone else, better than I could ever dream of.

I knew "love" before I met James but there is one thing about our time together that means a lot to me.  That is our relationship was built more on friendship and "true love" than just desire.  It was not based on an immediate sexual attraction.  We were attracted to each other but since we only kissed for a while first it was not like we jumped into bed right away and then got to know each other in between screwing each others brains out.  We actually did not make love many times but the times we did were sweet.  But... I am glad that we talked for a month before we met and then we waited a few weeks and spent "quality" time together before getting naked.  That means a lot to me, and he always told me that while he found me very attractive he also just liked being with me.  Near me, knowing me, talking to me, sharing with me.  He said he would wait as long as I needed because he wanted me to be ready and he enjoyed my company.  He always told me he looked forward to reading my messages and knowing my thoughts.  I still have, somewhere, a message from him.  Very sweet and James.  He told me that, lol, his friends called him "science trip" because of his love for science, and he was so glad that I appreciated that side of him and respected his likes and how he thinks, and I did.  It is one of the things I greatly miss about him, his brilliant mind and how he thinks and his passion for science.  I miss all that we shared together.  I cannot even.  I cannot EVEN read anything about the universe or see Neil deGrasse Tyson or anything science or Geology related without my heart seizing up in my chest because it reminds me of James so much- my poor fucking heart!  I miss my cute little scientist friend and love so much that I am losing it.  I don't even know what to do with myself.

I think THAT is what makes me the most bonkers.  Truth is so different than what I have experienced over these last three years and sometimes it is so maddening that it makes me not want to "life" anymore.  That is why sometimes suicide sneaks into my thoughts- because I feel like I am living in my own private HELL that no one else can understand.  Because I know who James is.  I know how much he enjoyed knowing me.  I know how in love we were {and still are} together, the kind of love where you can't stand to be apart and you just need to be touching and kissing and talking and loving each other.  I know what truth is.  I know what we shared- he cares about me!  I know he cares about me, and my son.  And I know he would want me happy and at peace.  Because he is a good man.

He is a good man.

No, if you have not been through a twin soul experience, especially the separation part, then you won't clearly understand what I mean.  Because I don't feel like this is reality.  "This" feels like illusion.  It feels WRONG.  We should be talking to each other.  In person.  One human being to another.  I know he considers me a friend and he cares about me.  I know he enjoys talking to me.  I KNOW he does.  And it makes me very frustrated to... more than want something.  To know what truth is, to know we should be talking and together and knowing each other lovingly and peacefully.  So I am frustrated.  It is a frustration that I am working hard not to allow into anger since I am not a victim.  I know I got myself here.

But I want out now.  I want the light at the end of the tunnel.  I want to know James again like he was when I met him: friendly, funny, kind, loving, affectionate, gentle, sweet, silly, goofball, making me laugh, holding my hand, being my buddy, kissing me all the time, not able to keep his hands off me yet totally respectful and PROTECTIVE of me.  He was very protective of me, always careful of my heart and emotions.  The perfect man to meet and know.  A man who was kind to me and kind to my child.  A man who respected my role as mother and always took my responsibilities as PJ's mom into consideration.  He planned a "play day" for me and him and my son, together.  OMG- that memory alone makes me bawl.  He is a man who was obviously raised well by someone who taught him how to treat a woman.  He totally accepted me and loved me and wanted to be with me, and I know he still does.

I miss my gift.  I was blessed with a gift, and I really wish he was back in my life. 

I miss James so much I can barely stand it, and I don't know what to do.  How I feel is not "normal."  I know there is "something" out there.  A God.  My guidance/HS.  I am asking for some serious HELP.  I am a mother who has to keep her shit together and I could use some help.  I swear I am trying my best to hold on, stay focused, etc. etc. but... I need some help.

Jennifer

Feeling

This is how I feel.

I write here and delete over and over again because nothing feels right.  The only thing I really feel or care about right now is I love James and I miss my sweetheart so deeply that I can't even explain how it feels.  I cry all the time.  I cry over everything because my emotions are so tender. 

I ache.

I ache because I remember how much fun I had with James.  I remember his sweetness.  I remember what good friends we became, the fun conversations we had.  He earned my trust because he was totally protective of me in every way and I had never really been treated like that before, like I was totally cherished and chosen.  He showed me he felt I was special.  He protected my body, mind and heart.  He was good to my child.  He made time for me.  He looked forward to seeing me.  He not only came to visit me but he brought gifts with him... so thoughtful and generous and kind.

And he was sweet to my child.  That is something I cannot recover from, ever.  My heart is a big pile of aching goo right now.  Every time I think back to how kind he was to my son and about my son it slays my heart.  He is such a gem.  A treasure.  That is why I ache.  I miss my gem.

I need to remain focused on feeling love right now.  I stray off.  But I know I am meant to be loving and kind to James in my heart.  Send him love, remember him with goodness.  Yes I miss him.  I sure wish he was back with me but I do love him no matter what.

Sometimes I don't feel very loving.  I get kind of icky inside.  I want to avoid aching so I "shut off."  Like this weekend I just wanted to feel normal and have fun so I went out... and I don't know if that is the best choice for me right now.  I get antsy.  I want to escape feeling like this but maybe there really is no escape from it.  I need to continue to just stay home or in more peaceful quiet places and "feel" and be reflective.  Otherwise I want to distract and I don't feel that distracting is the best energy.  This might be hard to understand since I don't know how to explain it properly but let me try: when I want to feel all strong and "I don't hurt" and "I can be happy and have a fun normal life too" and "I am not going to spend my whole day missing him" it feels like my heart closes.  And then it closes a little more.  And then I don't want to bring him to mind.  And I might not cry as much or ache as deeply BUT I also get a bit of a chip on my shoulder, and then a few days later I STILL miss him and it's this huge ball of glop that does not feel good.  And it can make me feel angry, and anger is a shit energy that I must avoid by all means.  So, when I just allow myself to feel him and his love, to remember him even if it makes me ache and cry- I feel softer then.  I feel more tempered and kind inside.  I feel more loving.  Even if it aches.  There is NO middle ground for me.  I can feel very grateful for my life and I do.  I can enjoy the moment.  I can smile and laugh... but inside I still carry a bittersweet sorrow behind my smile {and later I will cry when I hear a song or am reminded of him or a wave of emotion comes over me} no matter what- if I keep my heart open then that is how it feels, always. 

James was good to me.  *sigh*  I really miss my loving friend.  We were not only lovers but friends, friends first.  I feel in my heart that he loves me a lot, still does.  Well, see?  He not long ago told me he does love me.  He told me "accept that."  Like I don't accept it.  I KNOW he does love me.  He is a good guy and he loves me.  I need to focus on love even if it makes me ache. I think that is pretty natural, to miss and ache for someone who is not here.  I am human still.  I have a strong heart.  I feel emotions intensely, especially love.  I am very much in love with this man and I long for him.  It is not something I can even control at this point.  I can't stop thinking of kissing him and holding him, being in his arms, our sweet loving pillow talk.  I can't stop thinking of how he held me and kissed me and made love to me when he was here last.  I miss him.  I miss seeing his sweet warm kind fun smile.  I want to touch his face and kiss his lips.

I wish James could come to my house again and kiss me for hours and make love with me. Close and intimate and good.

I was always told that it is my mission to love him and remember him for who he is, the man I met who treated me with tenderness and total kindness.  James was very gentle to me.  That is what aches so deeply- I miss his tender touch.  I miss that gentleness.  I know who he is and I ache to have him back in my life.  Remembering his goodness is bittersweet but I have to do it even if it aches because I want him here and I have to be supportive of him and loving to him.  I believe he is meant to be here.  I believe he wants to be here.  God I am so ready to go forward and know James again, my friend and love.  The intimacy we share is so beautiful.  It really was the start to a healthy beautiful loving relationship- one that is meant to continue.

But I need to stay grounded and loving inside.  I've felt resistance for a while and I need to get through it.  I've had really weird dreams that show me I am not allowing my feelings out, not expressing myself enough {even just privately.}  Maybe not expressing my truth.  I've had a hard time writing here on the blog too. Blocked almost.  Gotta work through that.  Keep my priorities in check.  I'm given a ton of signs and I don't always know what they mean but I think they are showing me to keep doing what helps me, staying focused on love.

Man, I do love James.  If I could wake in the morning and find a text that says, "Hi! Good morning!" from him I'd be so happy.  I miss being in touch with him and knowing how he is and just sharing life with him in general.  I do wish I could know him again.  Not because I am nosy or anything but just because friends share.  Friends talk.  Friends are open and honest, and we were before.  I miss that.  I miss being able to talk casually, laugh easily.  I miss seeing his smile and hearing his cute laugh.  Seeing his sweet face.  *sigh*  I miss James so much.  I know he loves me.  I know that we are still connected on some level.  I love him too, and I care about him and want him happy.  But I still feel like we are meant to be together, and he did not want to leave, and he's tried to come back time and again... and I just feel he loves me as much as I love him.  Like he told me, I gotta accept that.

So here I am, holding on.  Tightly.  I feel like I would do pretty much anything to see his smiling face, and hold him and kiss him.  To have him in my life again like I did before, my sweet friend and love.

I heard this song today.  It is fitting.

Sad Song

Songs & My Heart

Roses Are Red

My Hands

Oh God I heard both of these songs back to back while I was out on my lunch break, and they both explain how I feel perfectly.  My heart hurts.  MY GOD does my heart hurt.  I remember James.  I remember how sweet he was to me, perfectly kind and loving and good.  I remember our kisses.  Sweet wonderful beautiful kisses.  I remember how he told me that he loves when we are together we are so kissy and loving and good- that when together we cannot keep our hands off each other.  

He always held my hand when we were together.  If we were alone we were kissing, or making love, and when we were out together he always held my hand.  Always.  The night we were in Chicago he held my hand the whole night.  

Memories are a beautiful thing but... they hurt too.  Bittersweet.  I wish James was here with me now, cuddled up together with me every night.  I wish his sweet face was the last thing I see at night, and his sweet kisses the first thing I feel in the morning.  I want to sleep next to him all night long.  

I love him, and I miss him.  I so so so wish he was here with me, with me and my son.  Our family.

I read something yesterday that said you gotta feel like they are here instead of missing them.  But I don't think I can get there.  I can remember how wonderful it felt to be with James.  Heaven on earth.  Blissful.  Pure bliss.  The time I spent with him was the happiest time of my life.  I cannot imagine meeting a man as wonderful and kind and sweet as James.  Gentle.  He was gentle to me.  I needed a gentle touch and he gave that to me.  It is what aches so deeply- I miss his gentle sweet love.  He is perfect for me.

This ache, I have pretty much come to accept it.  It is not going anywhere.  No matter how much jewelry I make, or the books I try to read, or spending time with family or friends or even my sweet child- nothing erases this deep ache I have for him.  It must just be what one feels when going through what people call a "twin soul separation."  All I know is we fell deeply in love, quickly.  He told me it was the start to a healthy and beautiful relationship, and that it truth.  There was a lot of pure strong love between us.  We only wanted to treat each other well and with love.  That is all there was between us.  And I feel that there is really only love there now too.

Nothing changed.  That is the thing that can boggle my mind.  Nothing changed.  He even told me, later, "Nothing changed.  I feel exactly the same."  And while I know more time has passed- real strong true love lasts.  Nothing changed.  Nothing "happened."  That love did not go anywhere.  It is still there.

Ohhhh... my heart.  My heart does ache.  I try not to focus on him not being here and more that I wish he was with me.  I look up at the stars at night and remember him.  I tell him how much I love him.  He knows I love him.  He is a good man.  The best I ever met.  I just wish he was with me now.  But again I feel like I have to simply accept the fact that I ache.  It is a feeling I cannot shake.  I feel like I will only feel fully peaceful and "happy" once... he is back in my life.  I feel like I am not perfect and never will be but I can always keep in mind his goodness and how much he loves me.  He has been my partner through all of this, and I'm gonna just have to miss him until he is back with me.  I cry a lot.  But I can't help it.  When I bring his sweet love to mind, the time we spent together holding each other, kissing, giggling, talking closely, sharing, being dear friends and lovers at the same time... feeling so safe and comfortable with him, so so so so fucking HAPPY- it is impossible for me to not feel that bittersweet sorrow, and it is a sorrow.  Maybe that sorrow and missing that is borne of love is the only thing I am able to feel right now.

I am thankful I met him.  I am grateful for the time we spent together.  I would not know real true pure love had I not spent time with James.  Besides my son he is the best thing to ever happen to me.  He will always be so special to me.  I just miss him so much.  He is always on my mind and in my heart.  I can only pray hard to God and anything else "out there" to please help protect my aching heart.  Because I have prayed and prayed for the ache to be eased but it is still there, three years later.  

I miss my Love.  I would give anything to hear his sweet voice again.  I pray for truth because I know truth is we do love each other and care for one another, and I wish with all of my heart we could be back together. I am so ready to know my sweet loving kind friend again.  He told me he loves me, always has, and that he wants me in his life.  I know I need to hold on to that as truth, accept it like he told me to.  And I do.  It can be a challenge missing him this much but- oh well.  I guess that is just how it feels when you love someone so much and you dream of having him back with you.

So there.  That is how I feel, still.  Not much different than normal.  I just remember his sweet kisses like I can almost feel him- and... it aches.  Sweet and beautiful are my dear memories yet they tug at my heart because I want more than a memory. I want to kiss my Love again.  I want to hear him call me "honey" again- I miss that, him calling me sweet names, especially honey because it still feels inside like I am his honey.  I want to hold him and look into his beautiful blue eyes and smile at him and hold his hand and make sweet close intimate love with him.  I miss him.  I know him and I miss him because he is a good sweet man, and when someone is blessed with the most amazing life-changing gift, and then that gift is gone... I want my gift back.  So much.  And I feel like he wishes he could be with his gift too.  I know I am a gift to him- he told me so.  He told me he'd dreamed of meeting a woman who would love him fully and understand him, and he found her in me.  And I believe that still.

That's about all I have right now.

I love you.  You are still my sweetheart.  I carry you in my heart, carefully.  My biggest and only wish is to have you in my life again like I did before, your kind loving sweet gentle tender beautiful wonderful amazing self.  

It Was Like This

He really was so good and sweet and kind to me, and it hurts all the time to be away from him.

I've never in my life wanted something as much as I want to have an open honest truthful conversation with James.  Or to hug, hold and kiss him.

That's about all I can say without spiraling into upset.  He showed me he was making me a priority.  He showed me he loved being with me and wanted me in his life.  He really did.  And I miss him and his sweet amazing love.  It hurts and I wish he could be back with me now like I knew him before, kind and gentle and loving.

I feel really sad without him. We did not have enough time together.